Dear Mamacita,
We had a very nice Christmas Eve with Dayton! He went to such effort to make it a special day for us. The house was so clean, he had worked so hard, and it was decorated! He put up a small Christmas tree and decorated it, and also put stockings up for the kids and the kitties! He really, really tried mom! I think because he was so thoughtful, so gentle, grateful and happy we were there with him, it made it a day I won't forget. I was so afraid that it would just be horrible to be there without you, but it wasn't. As we left that evening I could hear your voice in my head saying "See, I told you everything would be ok!"
Before we went out to your house we stopped at your grave site and I brought you your favorite Ritz peanut butter chocolate covered cookies. I tromped through knee high snow, and am so glad that we had that cross put there! It was still standing perfectly straight and still looked like new. I rubbed your name and set the cookies on top of the snow for you. I know the birds will eat them, but I think you'd like to see them visiting you and getting a tasty winter snack. More likely, the damn squirrels will get them, but that's funny too! I started crying while I was standing there next to you. I think just knowing your body is that close to me, but still so far away, pushes the loneliness to the forefront of my mind and heart. I still can't help thinking how cold you must be. The need to give you a blanket still hasn't gone away.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of your bone marrow transplant. I will never forget how hopeful we were, and how lucky we were. I know so many people don't ever get a match, don't ever get even a chance at getting better. I will never forget what Gerald did mom. I know a little of the physical hell he went through to give us all this hope. I remember he said it felt like every bone in his body was in pain. He never takes an Advil or Tylenol, but he was readily accepting morphine for the pain. That tells me how bad it really was. But he never once complained or had second thoughts. Every time I saw him he had a smile on his face. I know he'd do it again if given the chance. I know anyone in our family would have done it. Just as I would give anything I have to help one of them. Thank you doesn't seem enough to give Uncle Gerald, mom. I just hope he doesn't feel like it was all for nothing. Hope is a precious thing, and his gift reminded me of all the good that is in human hearts, and how much he really does love you and us all. I pray for God to bless him every day mom. He deserves it.
I really needed to talk to you yesterday. I needed someone a little more removed from the situation than me and Dave, and yet someone who still had a vested interest in Sam's well-being. I don't want to go into too much detail here mom, but we are trying to make a difficult decision for Sam that will make his life much harder now, but may improve his quality of life in the future. We are feeling guilty for not doing something about it earlier, for letting it go. But at the time, his other needs were more important, and this seemed secondary. I don't know mom. Someone I trust reminded me that I'm not his P.T., I'm not his O.T., I'm not his teacher. What he needs from me is a mom's love and to get him the resources he needs. I know this is true but it's still hard to accept. My heart is breaking for him. He already feel different than his peers, and if we make this decision he will feel even more different than them. Please help guide us to the right decision.
I miss you mamacita. I miss your gentleness, the way you always had the right words to soothe my heart. I need those words now. I need to be your little girl for just a little while.. let me be 5 years old and lay my head on your lap and let you stroke my hair and whisper all the things I need to hear from you. If I close my eyes I can put myself back on your hospital bed, the day of your birthday, when you held me like that as I cried, and you whispered over and over "You'll be ok, baby, you'll be ok.." I knew it wasn't true then, and it's not true now, but maybe someday it will be. Just don't let go of my hand mom. I need you.
Love and Difficult Decisions,
Erika
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Eggs, Cookies and Ribbons
Dear Mamacita,
Oh mom! I've tried to write so many times, but the words just wouldn't come. I'm feeling so conflicted about so many things. There's been some good things that have happened though, that have made me feel you and God. On Wednesday I was alone in our house wrapping presents for Dave and I saw the beautiful fabric ribbon lying there on the table and I said aloud "Ok mom, I'll give it a try!" You always tied beautiful fabric bows on our presents! No one ever wanted to cut them off or throw them away. You always scoffed at our gushings about how amazing they looked. I think I loved the gifts from you because of the time you took in making them look so beautiful. I know you were thinking of me and putting all your love into each wrapping. So I worked and worked to tie something worthy on Dave's gift, and I have to say, it did turn out nice! Not up to your standards, but the best I've ever been able to do! It meant a lot to me that I could honor you and our tradition this way. So I tied beautiful ribbons on all of Dave's gifts.
While I was wrapping I was talking out loud to you about the dilemma I've been struggling with in my heart. Dayton is expecting us to come over to his/your house for Christmas Eve and I've wanted to cancel. I'm so afraid of spending Christmas Eve without you, and I don't know if I can spend it in your home, surrounded by everything that is you, and not have you there. I don't know if I can stand being there today without hearing the sound of your voice, and your laughter, the clatter of pots and pans preparing our Christmas dinner, and the look of joy on your face as your babies opening their gifts. It's going to feel so lonely. I really don't know if I can do it mom. So anyway, I was talking out loud to you, asking you what I should do. Should I cancel on Dayton? Does he even want a relationship with us? Does he care if we are there? What do you want me to do mom? I asked you to send me a note, an email, or whatever to show me what I'm supposed to do, what the right thing to do in this situation is. And literally the moment I finished asking you all of these questions out loud, my phone rang. It was Dayton. He was calling to see if we were still coming today. I started to cry. It was obvious to me that this was a sign if there ever was one! You were listening mom! Thank you thank you thank you! At that moment, I knew you wanted me to be there with Dayton on Christmas eve.
It was a good conversation with Dayton. He was so nice and gentle with me. I could tell he genuinely wanted us to be there. I even told him how scared I was of how it would feel there without you being there and I started to cry. I asked him if it was going to feel horrible, and he said "No, it won't.. Everything will be ok, Everything will be ok..." So as I hung up with him, I knew you had a hand in this. Now I'm begging you to help me actually get through this day. I am praying that it's not so incredibly painful that I can't enjoy it.
One other thing that happened that I knew was a love message from you! I had hard boiled some eggs and on Tuesday I cut one in half to salt and pepper it and then eat it. When I sliced it open the yolk was in the shape of a perfect heart! So I had two perfect hearts right in front of me! How random is that?!! I knew it had to be from you.. Your love and my love.. Just a reminder from you.
Ok mom, here goes. It's going to be a long emotional day, please help me get through it. I love you more than I can say, a love that echoes through to the Heavens. Feel my love for you. Send your love and comfort to me.
Oh, and I'll be stopping by your grave site today with some of your favorite Ritz peanut butter, white chocolate covered cookies! You used to beg me to make them every year! They were your faves!
Love and Ritz Cookies,
Erika
Oh mom! I've tried to write so many times, but the words just wouldn't come. I'm feeling so conflicted about so many things. There's been some good things that have happened though, that have made me feel you and God. On Wednesday I was alone in our house wrapping presents for Dave and I saw the beautiful fabric ribbon lying there on the table and I said aloud "Ok mom, I'll give it a try!" You always tied beautiful fabric bows on our presents! No one ever wanted to cut them off or throw them away. You always scoffed at our gushings about how amazing they looked. I think I loved the gifts from you because of the time you took in making them look so beautiful. I know you were thinking of me and putting all your love into each wrapping. So I worked and worked to tie something worthy on Dave's gift, and I have to say, it did turn out nice! Not up to your standards, but the best I've ever been able to do! It meant a lot to me that I could honor you and our tradition this way. So I tied beautiful ribbons on all of Dave's gifts.
While I was wrapping I was talking out loud to you about the dilemma I've been struggling with in my heart. Dayton is expecting us to come over to his/your house for Christmas Eve and I've wanted to cancel. I'm so afraid of spending Christmas Eve without you, and I don't know if I can spend it in your home, surrounded by everything that is you, and not have you there. I don't know if I can stand being there today without hearing the sound of your voice, and your laughter, the clatter of pots and pans preparing our Christmas dinner, and the look of joy on your face as your babies opening their gifts. It's going to feel so lonely. I really don't know if I can do it mom. So anyway, I was talking out loud to you, asking you what I should do. Should I cancel on Dayton? Does he even want a relationship with us? Does he care if we are there? What do you want me to do mom? I asked you to send me a note, an email, or whatever to show me what I'm supposed to do, what the right thing to do in this situation is. And literally the moment I finished asking you all of these questions out loud, my phone rang. It was Dayton. He was calling to see if we were still coming today. I started to cry. It was obvious to me that this was a sign if there ever was one! You were listening mom! Thank you thank you thank you! At that moment, I knew you wanted me to be there with Dayton on Christmas eve.
It was a good conversation with Dayton. He was so nice and gentle with me. I could tell he genuinely wanted us to be there. I even told him how scared I was of how it would feel there without you being there and I started to cry. I asked him if it was going to feel horrible, and he said "No, it won't.. Everything will be ok, Everything will be ok..." So as I hung up with him, I knew you had a hand in this. Now I'm begging you to help me actually get through this day. I am praying that it's not so incredibly painful that I can't enjoy it.
One other thing that happened that I knew was a love message from you! I had hard boiled some eggs and on Tuesday I cut one in half to salt and pepper it and then eat it. When I sliced it open the yolk was in the shape of a perfect heart! So I had two perfect hearts right in front of me! How random is that?!! I knew it had to be from you.. Your love and my love.. Just a reminder from you.
Ok mom, here goes. It's going to be a long emotional day, please help me get through it. I love you more than I can say, a love that echoes through to the Heavens. Feel my love for you. Send your love and comfort to me.
Oh, and I'll be stopping by your grave site today with some of your favorite Ritz peanut butter, white chocolate covered cookies! You used to beg me to make them every year! They were your faves!
Love and Ritz Cookies,
Erika
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Inadequate
Dear Mamacita,
It's 7:00 a.m. on a snowy Saturday morning. Do you remember the wonderful, calm glow of the Christmas tree in the morning? It feels like the universe is is quiet and still. The kids are happily watching a Christmas cartoon and Dave got us a bag of Kona coffee beans last night! So I got the coffee pot ready and the beans ground last night, and then set out our favorite coffee cups so that everything would be ready to go this morning. My favorite Saturday tradition is drinking coffee from your favorite mug that I kept when you moved out. It's the one that says "My favorite people call me Nana". It makes me feel close to you. It reminds me of sitting at the kitchen table early in the morning with you, drinking coffee and having loving chats.
Did you ever feel inadequate as a mom and woman, mamacita? This season is proving to be particularly difficult for me. I'm feeling inadequate in so many ways. The Christmas tree is up, the stockings are hung and the Santa pictures are sitting on the mantel, but that's all the decorating we have been able to do. The boys have been really sick this week and school has been really trying. Sometimes I feel like I let everyone who's important to me down. I wish I could just be graceful and accepting of what has happened. There are some people I know who have had difficult situations that are so graceful, gentle and accepting of what life has dealt them. I can't figure out why I don't have that. Instead I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I'm just hurt, fearful, and angry. I haven't been doing right by God and my kids by not taking them to Sunday school and attending worship ourselves. I have a whole basket full of wonderful Christmas books that I can't bring myself to read to them.
This season is supposed to be full of expectation. Waiting for baby Jesus to come into our world, waiting for Santa to come, waiting for the family get togethers, waiting for the special holiday treats, and waiting for the presents. But for me, I don't feel it mom. It all seems hollow. I haven't bought any Christmas presents yet, it just doesn't seem important, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed by life that sometimes I can't even bring myself to return phone calls or maintain friendships that mean so much to me. I know that I haven't been a very good friend to so many people who are so important to me. I used to be the one whom people would come to, to talk about their problems, but now I feel like people aren't sharing these things with me like they used to. I'm probably putting out the vibe that I can't handle everyone else's problems. I also feel very needy and vulnerable for the first time in my life.
My anxiety levels have been really high this week. I've had to take more meds than usual. But when everything hurts and I feel like I can't breathe there's no good options. I try to focus on my breathing, mom. Taking long, deep steadying breaths, but sometimes that doesn't help at all. If I didn't have Dave as my rock and steady force in my life I wouldn't be functioning as well as I am. How long will this last mom? How long will I need all the meds in order to cope and function? When does the pain subside? I absolutely hate it when people tell me to just "think about the good times"! Do they think that I don't want to do that??? There are times when I am calm and it's just me and Dave that I can talk about funny memories of us and favorite times, but mostly when I think about you, it's just the loneliness. Just remembering over and over again that you are gone. That I have to face the rest of my life without you. That I don't get to call you anymore to ask you how to make gravy (for the 130th time!) or how long to hard boil an egg, or what to do when your Sam Sam has a temp of 104 degrees and is asking for you and says that he just wants you here to take care of him and hold him.
Where do I go from here? I'm praying for God to show me the path I need to take. I trust that he can make a flower bloom from this desert of pain. I want to ask Him so many questions, but I know the answers will have to wait. I know that I can't see His plan for my life. I know he only wants and plans good for our lives, but it's hard to see through the grief and loneliness right now. I praise him for the 34 1/2 years I had with you. I am thankful that He gave us each other for as long as we did. I truly believe that depth of which we grieve is directly proportionate to the depth to which we loved. As Queen Elizabeth II said "Grief is the price we pay for love."
For now I'm going to make my kids some "Fa la la hot chocolate" (dark hot chocolate with Andes mints melted in them) and drink my Kona coffee and just let God sort it out for me. I'll keep on keeping on and keep breathing.
Love and Coffee,
Me
It's 7:00 a.m. on a snowy Saturday morning. Do you remember the wonderful, calm glow of the Christmas tree in the morning? It feels like the universe is is quiet and still. The kids are happily watching a Christmas cartoon and Dave got us a bag of Kona coffee beans last night! So I got the coffee pot ready and the beans ground last night, and then set out our favorite coffee cups so that everything would be ready to go this morning. My favorite Saturday tradition is drinking coffee from your favorite mug that I kept when you moved out. It's the one that says "My favorite people call me Nana". It makes me feel close to you. It reminds me of sitting at the kitchen table early in the morning with you, drinking coffee and having loving chats.
Did you ever feel inadequate as a mom and woman, mamacita? This season is proving to be particularly difficult for me. I'm feeling inadequate in so many ways. The Christmas tree is up, the stockings are hung and the Santa pictures are sitting on the mantel, but that's all the decorating we have been able to do. The boys have been really sick this week and school has been really trying. Sometimes I feel like I let everyone who's important to me down. I wish I could just be graceful and accepting of what has happened. There are some people I know who have had difficult situations that are so graceful, gentle and accepting of what life has dealt them. I can't figure out why I don't have that. Instead I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I'm just hurt, fearful, and angry. I haven't been doing right by God and my kids by not taking them to Sunday school and attending worship ourselves. I have a whole basket full of wonderful Christmas books that I can't bring myself to read to them.
This season is supposed to be full of expectation. Waiting for baby Jesus to come into our world, waiting for Santa to come, waiting for the family get togethers, waiting for the special holiday treats, and waiting for the presents. But for me, I don't feel it mom. It all seems hollow. I haven't bought any Christmas presents yet, it just doesn't seem important, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed by life that sometimes I can't even bring myself to return phone calls or maintain friendships that mean so much to me. I know that I haven't been a very good friend to so many people who are so important to me. I used to be the one whom people would come to, to talk about their problems, but now I feel like people aren't sharing these things with me like they used to. I'm probably putting out the vibe that I can't handle everyone else's problems. I also feel very needy and vulnerable for the first time in my life.
My anxiety levels have been really high this week. I've had to take more meds than usual. But when everything hurts and I feel like I can't breathe there's no good options. I try to focus on my breathing, mom. Taking long, deep steadying breaths, but sometimes that doesn't help at all. If I didn't have Dave as my rock and steady force in my life I wouldn't be functioning as well as I am. How long will this last mom? How long will I need all the meds in order to cope and function? When does the pain subside? I absolutely hate it when people tell me to just "think about the good times"! Do they think that I don't want to do that??? There are times when I am calm and it's just me and Dave that I can talk about funny memories of us and favorite times, but mostly when I think about you, it's just the loneliness. Just remembering over and over again that you are gone. That I have to face the rest of my life without you. That I don't get to call you anymore to ask you how to make gravy (for the 130th time!) or how long to hard boil an egg, or what to do when your Sam Sam has a temp of 104 degrees and is asking for you and says that he just wants you here to take care of him and hold him.
Where do I go from here? I'm praying for God to show me the path I need to take. I trust that he can make a flower bloom from this desert of pain. I want to ask Him so many questions, but I know the answers will have to wait. I know that I can't see His plan for my life. I know he only wants and plans good for our lives, but it's hard to see through the grief and loneliness right now. I praise him for the 34 1/2 years I had with you. I am thankful that He gave us each other for as long as we did. I truly believe that depth of which we grieve is directly proportionate to the depth to which we loved. As Queen Elizabeth II said "Grief is the price we pay for love."
For now I'm going to make my kids some "Fa la la hot chocolate" (dark hot chocolate with Andes mints melted in them) and drink my Kona coffee and just let God sort it out for me. I'll keep on keeping on and keep breathing.
Love and Coffee,
Me
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Ribbons
Dear Mamacita,
My heart just isn't in it. We are trying to clean, decorate, and set up the Christmas tree. Of course, nothing can go that smoothly. You know what set me off today? I was trying to tie a beautiful new Christmas ribbon on the gorgeous glass ornament of yours that is hanging from our window, and I can't do it! I cannot tie the damned ribbon in bow to save my life. You had an amazing gift for tying beautiful ribbons. It was one of the things I looked forward to most at Christmas, every present you wrapped had a beautifully tied fabric ribbon around it. I knew one day I would miss that so much, I just didn't know that "one day" would be this year.
It feels like my chest is caving in on itself. My heart and chest physically hurt. I'm fighting a migraine too. I know my body is trying to tell me I'm doing to much and not taking care of myself emotionally, but I don't know what to do. I want to decorate and make Christmas special for your babies, but it hurts so much mom. The anxiety is hovering right over my shoulder, waiting to ambush me when I least expect it. I'm so unhappy mom. Things weren't good last year at this time, but at least we had hope. We were leading up to your transplant and had our eyes on the goal, a new lease on life for you. Instead, something went horribly wrong and now there's nothing. Just my first miserable Christmas season without you. Everything is an outrage mom. Putting up pretty things, making a shopping/gift list, planning family get togethers, it all seems wrong. I just want to skip it all together.
I wish I could clone myself. Then I could give Sam and Max a happy, loving mom, and Dave a less needy wife, instead of this shell of the person I once was. The only thing about me that is the same since before you died, is the stuff on the outside. If I could clone myself then I could go somewhere alone and just grieve, or try to figure out how to find you in all of this pain. I would give almost anything to see you again, if only for a little while, just to ease the incredible loneliness I feel without you. You were my shield in this world. The person who loved me without question or condition.
My friend Jen titled her last post "Love Come Down". It made me think about how God may have felt when He sent His son into our world. He knew how it would end, with His beautiful, amazing Son on the cross, and yet, He sent Him anyways, out of His love for us. He literally sent His love down to us in the form of a tiny baby. When I look back on our story mom, even knowing now how it would end, I would do it again in a heartbeat. All the tears we shared, the trials and heartaches we went through, made us who we are. The good times and the bad made our relationship the amazing thing it was.
I'm trying to figure out how God intends me to grow from this desert of pain. What does He want from me? People tell me they think I am strong. I'm not. The truth is I feel vulnerable, angry, sad, hurt, miserable and lost without you. I know He gave us blessings along the way, but it doesn't change the fact that you're still gone, and I'm left here to deal with life and Adam, and Dayton without you. I miss the way you would mediate between me and Dayton, and the way you would put him in his place and tell him to knock it off when he was being stubborn or throwing a fit. I showed him the cross we had made for your grave site and I know he didn't like it. I don't really care though. It felt good to me and Dave once it was there for you. After we placed it and stood back to look at it, all I could do was cry.
I'm so sorry it ended this way mom. I know if you had a choice you'd choose to be here with us. In the last 6 months of your life you showed more strength and grace than anyone I have ever known. What do you want me to do now mom? How do I honor you and your life during this season? God, I miss your voice so much. It hasn't gotten easier to not hear your voice on the phone or feel your hug. I'm having a hard time with it being winter. All I can think of is that your body is buried in the cold unforgiving ground and you must be so cold. I keep wishing I had wrapped warm blankets around you before they buried you. I fight the urge to bring you blankets. I know you don't really need them, I just need to be able to care for you somehow in some way.
Do you see me mom? Do you feel my love and my loneliness for you? Can you send me a sign that I can recognize to show me that you still are there, still love me and haven't forgotten me wherever it is that you are? I know I shouldn't be jealous of Heaven, since I know I'm going there too someday, and will get to spend eternity with you and all His saints, but I just want to be where you are.
There is a song that I have dubbed as "yours". It's titled "Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin. There's a line in it that makes me feel like you're talking directly to me. It goes: "My chains are gone, I've been set free.." I know that is how you must feel right now. The chains of your illness and hurting body have been broken. God took you home to be with Him and now you are perfect. And for that, I am grateful and humbled by His mercy. "And like a flood, His mercy rains, unending love, amazing grace.."
Please be with me mom. I need you more than ever before. Be with Sam and help him through his grief too.
All My Love,
Erika
My heart just isn't in it. We are trying to clean, decorate, and set up the Christmas tree. Of course, nothing can go that smoothly. You know what set me off today? I was trying to tie a beautiful new Christmas ribbon on the gorgeous glass ornament of yours that is hanging from our window, and I can't do it! I cannot tie the damned ribbon in bow to save my life. You had an amazing gift for tying beautiful ribbons. It was one of the things I looked forward to most at Christmas, every present you wrapped had a beautifully tied fabric ribbon around it. I knew one day I would miss that so much, I just didn't know that "one day" would be this year.
It feels like my chest is caving in on itself. My heart and chest physically hurt. I'm fighting a migraine too. I know my body is trying to tell me I'm doing to much and not taking care of myself emotionally, but I don't know what to do. I want to decorate and make Christmas special for your babies, but it hurts so much mom. The anxiety is hovering right over my shoulder, waiting to ambush me when I least expect it. I'm so unhappy mom. Things weren't good last year at this time, but at least we had hope. We were leading up to your transplant and had our eyes on the goal, a new lease on life for you. Instead, something went horribly wrong and now there's nothing. Just my first miserable Christmas season without you. Everything is an outrage mom. Putting up pretty things, making a shopping/gift list, planning family get togethers, it all seems wrong. I just want to skip it all together.
I wish I could clone myself. Then I could give Sam and Max a happy, loving mom, and Dave a less needy wife, instead of this shell of the person I once was. The only thing about me that is the same since before you died, is the stuff on the outside. If I could clone myself then I could go somewhere alone and just grieve, or try to figure out how to find you in all of this pain. I would give almost anything to see you again, if only for a little while, just to ease the incredible loneliness I feel without you. You were my shield in this world. The person who loved me without question or condition.
My friend Jen titled her last post "Love Come Down". It made me think about how God may have felt when He sent His son into our world. He knew how it would end, with His beautiful, amazing Son on the cross, and yet, He sent Him anyways, out of His love for us. He literally sent His love down to us in the form of a tiny baby. When I look back on our story mom, even knowing now how it would end, I would do it again in a heartbeat. All the tears we shared, the trials and heartaches we went through, made us who we are. The good times and the bad made our relationship the amazing thing it was.
I'm trying to figure out how God intends me to grow from this desert of pain. What does He want from me? People tell me they think I am strong. I'm not. The truth is I feel vulnerable, angry, sad, hurt, miserable and lost without you. I know He gave us blessings along the way, but it doesn't change the fact that you're still gone, and I'm left here to deal with life and Adam, and Dayton without you. I miss the way you would mediate between me and Dayton, and the way you would put him in his place and tell him to knock it off when he was being stubborn or throwing a fit. I showed him the cross we had made for your grave site and I know he didn't like it. I don't really care though. It felt good to me and Dave once it was there for you. After we placed it and stood back to look at it, all I could do was cry.
I'm so sorry it ended this way mom. I know if you had a choice you'd choose to be here with us. In the last 6 months of your life you showed more strength and grace than anyone I have ever known. What do you want me to do now mom? How do I honor you and your life during this season? God, I miss your voice so much. It hasn't gotten easier to not hear your voice on the phone or feel your hug. I'm having a hard time with it being winter. All I can think of is that your body is buried in the cold unforgiving ground and you must be so cold. I keep wishing I had wrapped warm blankets around you before they buried you. I fight the urge to bring you blankets. I know you don't really need them, I just need to be able to care for you somehow in some way.
Do you see me mom? Do you feel my love and my loneliness for you? Can you send me a sign that I can recognize to show me that you still are there, still love me and haven't forgotten me wherever it is that you are? I know I shouldn't be jealous of Heaven, since I know I'm going there too someday, and will get to spend eternity with you and all His saints, but I just want to be where you are.
There is a song that I have dubbed as "yours". It's titled "Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin. There's a line in it that makes me feel like you're talking directly to me. It goes: "My chains are gone, I've been set free.." I know that is how you must feel right now. The chains of your illness and hurting body have been broken. God took you home to be with Him and now you are perfect. And for that, I am grateful and humbled by His mercy. "And like a flood, His mercy rains, unending love, amazing grace.."
Please be with me mom. I need you more than ever before. Be with Sam and help him through his grief too.
All My Love,
Erika
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thanksgiving Storm
Dear Mamacita,
Oh my God... This is really going to happen, isn't it? Thanksgiving without you. I thought I was doing ok today. Sort of numb to all the things going on around me. Choosing to disengage on some level, I guess. But your babies are tipping the scales of my emotional balance (what there is of it). We were in the van going to Target (again) and Monster Max said "Momma, I miss Nana.. Where she?" And later that day Sam said "Hey mom, remember that Thanksgiving that nana came to our house? It was such a good day. I miss her.. You know that picture of her I have in my room? I was thinking that maybe we could put it on the table when we have Thanksgiving dinner and then it would kinda be like she was with us". I told him that was a great idea, and we are going to do that. Each time the kids ask about you it's like a dagger to my heart. My heart hurts for my own loss, and it hurts for their little hearts too. I get so angry that they have to grow up without you. I can tell them how much you love them, and remind them of all our favorite memories together, but you should be here to do it yourself and to love them.
Then I called Dayton tonight. The phone call went well, but it pushed me over the edge. He's having dinner with his new friend and her grown up kids and grandkids. I don't begrudge him that, but everything just feels wrong about it. I think it hit me that things really aren't ever going to be the same again. Last year we were all together and it was a perfect day. Now, you're not here, Dayton is going somewhere different and we are going to Dave's parents house. And I have no idea where Adam might be spending his Thanksgiving. Probably in some hell hole, thinking that nobody care about him anymore, now that you're gone. It just feels like our family is shattered and scattered. There's no sense of completeness, or peace, or safety.
I miss your excitement about Thanksgiving. You loved this holiday even more than Christmas. Thanksgiving is only about family and being thankful the things we have in this life. You loved all the cooking prep. It was always so much work when you would host, but everybody loved gathering at your house. The food was always perfect and abundant. Everyone always looked forward to the pies for dessert. And you took such pride and joy in making them. They were your favorite thing to make. You were everything that was Thanksgiving. When I picture thanksgivings with you I see your beautiful, shining face. You loved it. I remember coming up early to help you cook and get things ready. I loved setting the table so formally with all the best china and cloth napkins folded elegantly. I remember how wonderful and mouth-watering the house would smell with the turkey baking and the sides cooking. I always made the cranberry sauce and the real whipped cream. We worked together so well and so joyfully together. It was always exhausting but so satisfying and soul refreshing to have everyone there in your house together. Sharing a beautiful meal, the laughter all around, feeling at ease with each other and seeing the various clumps of family members talking in small groups around the house. Usually there was a new baby to hold and fight for, and small children always under foot. That's what made it perfect and complete.
Now what?
How do I go on tomorrow when my heart is broken and all I want is you? I want to hear your laugh and to hear you wish me and the kids and Dave happy thanksgiving. Dave's family loved you too, and now our hearts are broken again with the loss of Dave K. Too many people are missing from the table mom. I'm having trouble finding the right attitude to be thankful for anything. I know there are things I'm thankful for, such as my amazing husband, my fristers, Dave's mom and dad, my girlfriends, my kids, a warm house, blankets, a comfortable bed, enough food and money to pay the bills. But it all seems secondary to the pain I feel right now.
The pain I feel now and earlier tonight was as intense as when you first died. I've been really struggling in the last week or so. I've been under an onslaught of the intense images and feelings from the night/morning you died. All I can think of sometimes is the physicalness of your body as you laid there, stepping into your next life. The weight or you hand in mine, the feel of my head on your chest, as my tears soaked into your nightgown, my hand on your forehead, and the sight of the funeral home guy wheeling your body out of the house. I think of you laying in your casket. What was in there, what you looked like. I still can't stand the smell of mixed flowers. They make me nauseous now because it takes me back to the funeral home. I miss the physical feel of your hug. The way you would always touch me as you passed by me.. a touch on the head or shoulders or back.. enough to tell me without words how much you loved me.
So because my body was so racked with pain tonight I felt like I needed to "do" something, so I dusted off my nightstand all the things on our decorative shelves and then I moved on to the dresser. As I was sorting things, under a pile of papers, I found the last birthday card you ever gave me. October 5th, 2009. It was right after we just found out how bad the cancer was, and the slim chances of your survival. it was like you knew what might happen and wanted to send me love and encouragement. I think that you intended for me to find it again tonight, over a year later, on a day I was desperate for your love. Here's what you wrote to me:
"How I waited for you and loved you from the moment I knew you were coming. That love will never die Erika, but will bless you and comfort you always. All my love forever, Erika. Mom."
Mom, even typing this makes me cry again. Damn Damn Damn! I both love and hate this card. I want you! Not a card to get me through the next 50 years of my life. I miss you mamacita. All I can do is sit here and cry. My life will never be the same and it feels like the pain will never stop. I just want the pain to stop and I want you back. The despair and rage I feel tonight is so raw and so strong. It scares me. If I didn't have Dave, I don't know what I would do. I think I would have given up or ended up in an institution somewhere. I'm so tired mama. I feel like I could sleep for days. I wish I could sleep for days. I just want to be alone. I need my rocks in Grand Marais. I need an escape from the pain. I need to be able to go somewhere and process. I need to go somewhere where no one expects anything of me. Where I'm not a teacher, not a mom, not a friend who needs to give back, somewhere I can just be a grieving daughter. Somewhere that people understand that. I'm fairly sure that place doesn't exist. Maybe when the weather gets warmer again I can get away from everything and go be with you.
There's a quote from Winnie the Pooh that my friend Jen C.-M. posted in facebook that really meant a lot to me. I thought you might like to read it mom. It goes like this:
"How does one become a butterfly?" Pooh asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar," Piglet replied.
"You mean to die?" asked Pooh.
"Yes and no" he answered.
"What looks like you will die, but what's REALLY you will live on."
- A.A. Milne
I know you can't explain to me what it's like where you are or what you are like now. I just long to have the confirmation that you still remember me and feel my love wherever you are. I know that a love like ours doesn't just die. It echoes on into eternity. Just can't wait to be there with you.
I've been working on your quilt mama. I can't wait to get it done so that I can wrap myself up in you whenever I need to feel you. It's difficult to handle your clothing, but I know the end result will be worth the tears and anxiety I have while making it.
We are going up to Hinckley on Saturday. We are going out to your house. I asked Dayton if I could have a few things of yours to have around me. Even table cloths or some Christmas decorations. I'd really love to have all of your jewelry, but I'm afraid to ask Dayton, for fear that he may say no. Maybe it would help him let go of it if he knew I wasn't going to sell or destroy it. I want to keep your beautiful wedding ring for Sam or Max to one day give to their fiance. I just need some of your things to be in my life. I hope our visit with Dayton goes well and the kids enjoy seeing him again. We are going to stop out at your gravesite.
I love you so much mamacita. Please hold me tonight as I sleep and be with me tomorrow. Give me the Grace and Courage I'll need to get through the day. You were the light in my life and the shield to my past. In my next letter to you, I want to talk more about shields.
Good night Mamacita, Find me in my dreams.
Forever yours,
Erika
Oh my God... This is really going to happen, isn't it? Thanksgiving without you. I thought I was doing ok today. Sort of numb to all the things going on around me. Choosing to disengage on some level, I guess. But your babies are tipping the scales of my emotional balance (what there is of it). We were in the van going to Target (again) and Monster Max said "Momma, I miss Nana.. Where she?" And later that day Sam said "Hey mom, remember that Thanksgiving that nana came to our house? It was such a good day. I miss her.. You know that picture of her I have in my room? I was thinking that maybe we could put it on the table when we have Thanksgiving dinner and then it would kinda be like she was with us". I told him that was a great idea, and we are going to do that. Each time the kids ask about you it's like a dagger to my heart. My heart hurts for my own loss, and it hurts for their little hearts too. I get so angry that they have to grow up without you. I can tell them how much you love them, and remind them of all our favorite memories together, but you should be here to do it yourself and to love them.
Then I called Dayton tonight. The phone call went well, but it pushed me over the edge. He's having dinner with his new friend and her grown up kids and grandkids. I don't begrudge him that, but everything just feels wrong about it. I think it hit me that things really aren't ever going to be the same again. Last year we were all together and it was a perfect day. Now, you're not here, Dayton is going somewhere different and we are going to Dave's parents house. And I have no idea where Adam might be spending his Thanksgiving. Probably in some hell hole, thinking that nobody care about him anymore, now that you're gone. It just feels like our family is shattered and scattered. There's no sense of completeness, or peace, or safety.
I miss your excitement about Thanksgiving. You loved this holiday even more than Christmas. Thanksgiving is only about family and being thankful the things we have in this life. You loved all the cooking prep. It was always so much work when you would host, but everybody loved gathering at your house. The food was always perfect and abundant. Everyone always looked forward to the pies for dessert. And you took such pride and joy in making them. They were your favorite thing to make. You were everything that was Thanksgiving. When I picture thanksgivings with you I see your beautiful, shining face. You loved it. I remember coming up early to help you cook and get things ready. I loved setting the table so formally with all the best china and cloth napkins folded elegantly. I remember how wonderful and mouth-watering the house would smell with the turkey baking and the sides cooking. I always made the cranberry sauce and the real whipped cream. We worked together so well and so joyfully together. It was always exhausting but so satisfying and soul refreshing to have everyone there in your house together. Sharing a beautiful meal, the laughter all around, feeling at ease with each other and seeing the various clumps of family members talking in small groups around the house. Usually there was a new baby to hold and fight for, and small children always under foot. That's what made it perfect and complete.
Now what?
How do I go on tomorrow when my heart is broken and all I want is you? I want to hear your laugh and to hear you wish me and the kids and Dave happy thanksgiving. Dave's family loved you too, and now our hearts are broken again with the loss of Dave K. Too many people are missing from the table mom. I'm having trouble finding the right attitude to be thankful for anything. I know there are things I'm thankful for, such as my amazing husband, my fristers, Dave's mom and dad, my girlfriends, my kids, a warm house, blankets, a comfortable bed, enough food and money to pay the bills. But it all seems secondary to the pain I feel right now.
The pain I feel now and earlier tonight was as intense as when you first died. I've been really struggling in the last week or so. I've been under an onslaught of the intense images and feelings from the night/morning you died. All I can think of sometimes is the physicalness of your body as you laid there, stepping into your next life. The weight or you hand in mine, the feel of my head on your chest, as my tears soaked into your nightgown, my hand on your forehead, and the sight of the funeral home guy wheeling your body out of the house. I think of you laying in your casket. What was in there, what you looked like. I still can't stand the smell of mixed flowers. They make me nauseous now because it takes me back to the funeral home. I miss the physical feel of your hug. The way you would always touch me as you passed by me.. a touch on the head or shoulders or back.. enough to tell me without words how much you loved me.
So because my body was so racked with pain tonight I felt like I needed to "do" something, so I dusted off my nightstand all the things on our decorative shelves and then I moved on to the dresser. As I was sorting things, under a pile of papers, I found the last birthday card you ever gave me. October 5th, 2009. It was right after we just found out how bad the cancer was, and the slim chances of your survival. it was like you knew what might happen and wanted to send me love and encouragement. I think that you intended for me to find it again tonight, over a year later, on a day I was desperate for your love. Here's what you wrote to me:
"How I waited for you and loved you from the moment I knew you were coming. That love will never die Erika, but will bless you and comfort you always. All my love forever, Erika. Mom."
Mom, even typing this makes me cry again. Damn Damn Damn! I both love and hate this card. I want you! Not a card to get me through the next 50 years of my life. I miss you mamacita. All I can do is sit here and cry. My life will never be the same and it feels like the pain will never stop. I just want the pain to stop and I want you back. The despair and rage I feel tonight is so raw and so strong. It scares me. If I didn't have Dave, I don't know what I would do. I think I would have given up or ended up in an institution somewhere. I'm so tired mama. I feel like I could sleep for days. I wish I could sleep for days. I just want to be alone. I need my rocks in Grand Marais. I need an escape from the pain. I need to be able to go somewhere and process. I need to go somewhere where no one expects anything of me. Where I'm not a teacher, not a mom, not a friend who needs to give back, somewhere I can just be a grieving daughter. Somewhere that people understand that. I'm fairly sure that place doesn't exist. Maybe when the weather gets warmer again I can get away from everything and go be with you.
There's a quote from Winnie the Pooh that my friend Jen C.-M. posted in facebook that really meant a lot to me. I thought you might like to read it mom. It goes like this:
"How does one become a butterfly?" Pooh asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar," Piglet replied.
"You mean to die?" asked Pooh.
"Yes and no" he answered.
"What looks like you will die, but what's REALLY you will live on."
- A.A. Milne
I know you can't explain to me what it's like where you are or what you are like now. I just long to have the confirmation that you still remember me and feel my love wherever you are. I know that a love like ours doesn't just die. It echoes on into eternity. Just can't wait to be there with you.
I've been working on your quilt mama. I can't wait to get it done so that I can wrap myself up in you whenever I need to feel you. It's difficult to handle your clothing, but I know the end result will be worth the tears and anxiety I have while making it.
We are going up to Hinckley on Saturday. We are going out to your house. I asked Dayton if I could have a few things of yours to have around me. Even table cloths or some Christmas decorations. I'd really love to have all of your jewelry, but I'm afraid to ask Dayton, for fear that he may say no. Maybe it would help him let go of it if he knew I wasn't going to sell or destroy it. I want to keep your beautiful wedding ring for Sam or Max to one day give to their fiance. I just need some of your things to be in my life. I hope our visit with Dayton goes well and the kids enjoy seeing him again. We are going to stop out at your gravesite.
I love you so much mamacita. Please hold me tonight as I sleep and be with me tomorrow. Give me the Grace and Courage I'll need to get through the day. You were the light in my life and the shield to my past. In my next letter to you, I want to talk more about shields.
Good night Mamacita, Find me in my dreams.
Forever yours,
Erika
Monday, November 15, 2010
A Few of My Favorite Things
Dear Mamacita,
I felt you... There's a massage/Reiki place in the same building that I go to counseling in and as I walked past there it smelled so good. I knew it was somewhere I wanted to go. I wrote down the number of the place and called to make an appointment for a massage. Last Wednesday after my counseling session, I went there for the first time and got the best massage of my entire life. When I walked into the treatment room, it was like walking into Hawaii. It smelled so delicious, there was soft tropical music playing, the walls were all decorated in Hawaiian decor, and the therapist I saw was certified in lomi lomi massage. I told her about our connection to Hawaii and she told me hers. I found out that she has also lost her mother. She totally understood about the healing that comes from being in Hawaii, and while I was on that table, I could feel you in the room, taking care of me, and enjoying the fact that I was being taken care of. This was the first time that I knew with certainty that you were there with me. I love you so much Mom. Tessa, the massage therapist, told me that sometimes people can try too hard to "see" or "feel" the person they are missing. And like everyone who has lost someone very close to them has told me, I will find you in my soul, in my heart. Maybe the veil of the darkest, deepest depression is lifting, and so I can sense you better. I'm not sure. There are still times that the pain is so overwhelming that I can't breathe and feel like I'm falling apart. I know there will always be moments like that.
I've been trying to focus on the positive things in life. It's not easy, but there are many things I love, things that make me happy. So I decided to write them down. Here's the list Mamacita. Enjoy!
*my kids' giggles and belly laughs
*a hot bath by candlelight
*rum
*small jeans
*conquering fears
*going out to O'Donovan's with Dave
*feeling Dave's hug
*the "I love you" sign from Sam
*girlfriends!
*laughing till I cry
*watching a good movie
*the 1st drink of coffee in the morning
*how I feel *after* working out
*magical teaching moments
*holding my kids tight
*the smell of Hawaii
*oatmeal from Caribou
*holding hands
*texting ;-)
*pedicures
*music
*concerts
*bowling league
*lipstick
*reaching goals
*happy hour
*sunsets
*going home again
*family parties
*Vikings football
*quiet time when the kids are in bed
*a clean house
*getting things organized
*feeling the sun soaking into my skin
*grown-up retreats
*4-wheeling
*thunderstorms
*the smell of thanksgiving
*kissing
*sharing massages
*surprises
*looking at my scrapbooks
*climbing into our bed with fresh sheets
*romantic birthday dates
*musicals
*when Dave says "pump n munch"
*the first and last days of school
*decorating the Christmas tree
*making Christmas cookies with girlfriends
*watching the kids open presents
*finding the perfect gift for Dave
*getting cards
*my birthday
*the word "giggidy"
*frogs croaking at night
*falling asleep to the lull of familiar voices
*stars out in the country
*the full moon
*short skirts
*"are you even speaking English"?!
*coffee with girlfriends
*the "Barefoot Bar" in Waikiki
*developing great friendships
I'll add more later Momma... I need a shower and to get to bed. I love and miss you.
All my love and then some,
Erika
I felt you... There's a massage/Reiki place in the same building that I go to counseling in and as I walked past there it smelled so good. I knew it was somewhere I wanted to go. I wrote down the number of the place and called to make an appointment for a massage. Last Wednesday after my counseling session, I went there for the first time and got the best massage of my entire life. When I walked into the treatment room, it was like walking into Hawaii. It smelled so delicious, there was soft tropical music playing, the walls were all decorated in Hawaiian decor, and the therapist I saw was certified in lomi lomi massage. I told her about our connection to Hawaii and she told me hers. I found out that she has also lost her mother. She totally understood about the healing that comes from being in Hawaii, and while I was on that table, I could feel you in the room, taking care of me, and enjoying the fact that I was being taken care of. This was the first time that I knew with certainty that you were there with me. I love you so much Mom. Tessa, the massage therapist, told me that sometimes people can try too hard to "see" or "feel" the person they are missing. And like everyone who has lost someone very close to them has told me, I will find you in my soul, in my heart. Maybe the veil of the darkest, deepest depression is lifting, and so I can sense you better. I'm not sure. There are still times that the pain is so overwhelming that I can't breathe and feel like I'm falling apart. I know there will always be moments like that.
I've been trying to focus on the positive things in life. It's not easy, but there are many things I love, things that make me happy. So I decided to write them down. Here's the list Mamacita. Enjoy!
*my kids' giggles and belly laughs
*a hot bath by candlelight
*rum
*small jeans
*conquering fears
*going out to O'Donovan's with Dave
*feeling Dave's hug
*the "I love you" sign from Sam
*girlfriends!
*laughing till I cry
*watching a good movie
*the 1st drink of coffee in the morning
*how I feel *after* working out
*magical teaching moments
*holding my kids tight
*the smell of Hawaii
*oatmeal from Caribou
*holding hands
*texting ;-)
*pedicures
*music
*concerts
*bowling league
*lipstick
*reaching goals
*happy hour
*sunsets
*going home again
*family parties
*Vikings football
*quiet time when the kids are in bed
*a clean house
*getting things organized
*feeling the sun soaking into my skin
*grown-up retreats
*4-wheeling
*thunderstorms
*the smell of thanksgiving
*kissing
*sharing massages
*surprises
*looking at my scrapbooks
*climbing into our bed with fresh sheets
*romantic birthday dates
*musicals
*when Dave says "pump n munch"
*the first and last days of school
*decorating the Christmas tree
*making Christmas cookies with girlfriends
*watching the kids open presents
*finding the perfect gift for Dave
*getting cards
*my birthday
*the word "giggidy"
*frogs croaking at night
*falling asleep to the lull of familiar voices
*stars out in the country
*the full moon
*short skirts
*"are you even speaking English"?!
*coffee with girlfriends
*the "Barefoot Bar" in Waikiki
*developing great friendships
I'll add more later Momma... I need a shower and to get to bed. I love and miss you.
All my love and then some,
Erika
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Holes and Filters
Dear Mamacita,
This was supposed to be our weekend. Every hunting opener weekend, you would always come down and stay with me and the boys. We would go shopping, trying to keep the kids from fighting all day, and go out to a nice dinner in the evenings. Do you remember two years ago when we went to the Olive Garden for dinner with the boys? I thought it would be a huge mistake to take the boys out to eat there, but they ended up being as good as gold, and they both ate all their dinner! It was like a miracle! And you and I actually got to enjoy the meal and a glass of wine with it. It was one of those perfect nights together. I loved the quiet time we would have together after the kids were in bed. We'd have such great conversations. My favorite thing was getting up early with you (like 5:00) and having coffee and conversations together at the kitchen table or in the livingroom, or on the deck.. Mornings were always the best time for you, when you felt the best physically, and mentally. It was during these talks that I could tell you anything and everything. I could cry and laugh with you. You understood all I had been through and where I've come from. You knew what made me the way I am today, both good and bad. God, I miss those talks.
I'm really struggling, mom, to figure out how to fill the holes in my life that you have left. You were a filter for our family. Adam is in a bad situation right now, of his own doing, and I have to find out 2nd or 3rd hand what's happened, instead of from you. Too many family members are involved and facts get changed and no one really knows what's going on. I'm not sure I can do this without you. We always had each other to lean on when it came to Adam's issues. Now I feel like I'm left adrift to deal with the stress of it all without your love and understanding and guidance. I also miss your way of facilitating our relationships with Dayton. I'm not sure what he wants or how he feels about maintaining our relationships. I don't know what he really wants from me (us). I wish you were here to just set him straight and tell him what he really needs to hear.
Next weekend I am going to bring your cross up to your grave. I'm looking forward to giving you the respect that you deserve with having your name there, and maybe feeling some peace when it's all done. I need to be there again to talk to you, to be close to you, to know that a part of you is physically close to me. I hope that you like the cross. I do! Monica and Brian went beyond my expectations when they made it for me. I hope that it holds up through the winter.
The kids are fighting and making me crazy, so I'm going to go now mamacita. I'm gonna start some laundry and then get out and go to Target just to get out of the house with the kids for awhile. Next time I write I need to talk to you about Thanksgiving Mom... *sigh*
I love you mom. Please send me some patience. I'm going to need it today.
Missing our Chats,
Me
This was supposed to be our weekend. Every hunting opener weekend, you would always come down and stay with me and the boys. We would go shopping, trying to keep the kids from fighting all day, and go out to a nice dinner in the evenings. Do you remember two years ago when we went to the Olive Garden for dinner with the boys? I thought it would be a huge mistake to take the boys out to eat there, but they ended up being as good as gold, and they both ate all their dinner! It was like a miracle! And you and I actually got to enjoy the meal and a glass of wine with it. It was one of those perfect nights together. I loved the quiet time we would have together after the kids were in bed. We'd have such great conversations. My favorite thing was getting up early with you (like 5:00) and having coffee and conversations together at the kitchen table or in the livingroom, or on the deck.. Mornings were always the best time for you, when you felt the best physically, and mentally. It was during these talks that I could tell you anything and everything. I could cry and laugh with you. You understood all I had been through and where I've come from. You knew what made me the way I am today, both good and bad. God, I miss those talks.
I'm really struggling, mom, to figure out how to fill the holes in my life that you have left. You were a filter for our family. Adam is in a bad situation right now, of his own doing, and I have to find out 2nd or 3rd hand what's happened, instead of from you. Too many family members are involved and facts get changed and no one really knows what's going on. I'm not sure I can do this without you. We always had each other to lean on when it came to Adam's issues. Now I feel like I'm left adrift to deal with the stress of it all without your love and understanding and guidance. I also miss your way of facilitating our relationships with Dayton. I'm not sure what he wants or how he feels about maintaining our relationships. I don't know what he really wants from me (us). I wish you were here to just set him straight and tell him what he really needs to hear.
Next weekend I am going to bring your cross up to your grave. I'm looking forward to giving you the respect that you deserve with having your name there, and maybe feeling some peace when it's all done. I need to be there again to talk to you, to be close to you, to know that a part of you is physically close to me. I hope that you like the cross. I do! Monica and Brian went beyond my expectations when they made it for me. I hope that it holds up through the winter.
The kids are fighting and making me crazy, so I'm going to go now mamacita. I'm gonna start some laundry and then get out and go to Target just to get out of the house with the kids for awhile. Next time I write I need to talk to you about Thanksgiving Mom... *sigh*
I love you mom. Please send me some patience. I'm going to need it today.
Missing our Chats,
Me
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Pacies and Trust
Dear Mamacita,
It's been a difficult couple of days. Who am I kidding? It's been a difficult year. In the last two days I've had one obsessive thought that I can't get rid of. Let me back up a minute though. In my therapy sessions I've been talking to Sally about how to get rid of the painful, sad, icky images I have of you in my head. The images of you in pain, in the I.C.U., being intubated, wheelchair-bound, helpless, and finally in your casket. She told me that they only way to get through them is to not be afraid of them when they come, to actually think about them and draw them out if I need to, but to confront them. So two days ago I was thinking of you laying in your casket. I was driving so I couldn't draw it, but I imagined drawing it in my head. I was thinking about what you were wearing, how you were laying, the look on your face, and the things that were in your casket with you. There was Mrs. Jumbo, from your Sam Sam, the tiny picture of you holding Sam's hand when he was two years old, and your favorite picture of me and you. All of a sudden I realized that I didn't give you anything from Max.
All I can think about right now is that I should have put one of his pacies in your casket for you with you. Why didn't I do that, Mom? Will Max one day resent that I didn't give you something of him to have with you? I guess I just wasn't thinking clearly momma. I guess I was giving you what Sam and I needed you to have, because we were hurting so badly. Max was aware of our pain, but obviously didn't understand what was happening. Maybe I'm starting to realize all the things that Max is going to miss out on, not having you in his life. Sam has so many connections to you, and special memories of you. I will work hard to make sure Max knows how much you love him. I miss giving you the "Monster Max" updates everyday. It would make me laugh and relax from the stresses of mommyhood when you would ask me "Did Max get a spanking yet today?" Or you would say "What has my Monster Max gotten into today?" I miss those chats mom. I miss everything. I miss your sweet voice telling me that everything is going to be ok, and that I really do love Maxwell even though he's unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper, destroyed stacks of freshly laundered and folded clothes, fought with his brother, and peed on the floor.
I've also been struggling with things I can't control, things I couldn't or can't fix. Sally said to make a list of everything I can't fix. I'm kind of scared to open that box in my heart. I wondered how far back I should go, and immediately knew the answer to that. All the way as far back as I can remember. Wherever the hurts or problems started. I'm going to do that mama. I know that each step I take is a healing one. So, maybe to move forward I need to go back, back to where things started. I worry that if I share everything with Dave he'll see how screwed up my family really was. What if he is like "What the hell have I gotten myself into?" I'm not proud of how screwed up everything was for a long time mom, and I don't want to change how Dave looks at me. Part of my brain knows that he doesn't scare easily and he's already made up his mind about me, and isn't going anywhere, but there's a small part that still says "No one has ever proven they will stay in your life..." I know this is all about trust. I know I have "trust issues". I'm working on it Mom.
Mamacita, will you please visit me in my dreams and send me an unmistakable sign that you are still with me? I need something mom to know you are still all around me. When I said I couldn't feel you, someone I trust said she thinks I am filled with you, that we are always together. Maybe I need the fog to be lifted from my heart before I can totally "see" you here with me. I'll be thinking of you as I go to sleep tonight mom, and again when I wake up. I miss you. I love you. I need you. My life isn't the same without you in it. There is a huge void in my life and a huge hole in my chest. My chest still aches with the loss, my eyes won't stop crying, my arms ache to hold you. I long to smell you, to hug you, to talk for hours and hours...
Love and More Love,
Erika
It's been a difficult couple of days. Who am I kidding? It's been a difficult year. In the last two days I've had one obsessive thought that I can't get rid of. Let me back up a minute though. In my therapy sessions I've been talking to Sally about how to get rid of the painful, sad, icky images I have of you in my head. The images of you in pain, in the I.C.U., being intubated, wheelchair-bound, helpless, and finally in your casket. She told me that they only way to get through them is to not be afraid of them when they come, to actually think about them and draw them out if I need to, but to confront them. So two days ago I was thinking of you laying in your casket. I was driving so I couldn't draw it, but I imagined drawing it in my head. I was thinking about what you were wearing, how you were laying, the look on your face, and the things that were in your casket with you. There was Mrs. Jumbo, from your Sam Sam, the tiny picture of you holding Sam's hand when he was two years old, and your favorite picture of me and you. All of a sudden I realized that I didn't give you anything from Max.
All I can think about right now is that I should have put one of his pacies in your casket for you with you. Why didn't I do that, Mom? Will Max one day resent that I didn't give you something of him to have with you? I guess I just wasn't thinking clearly momma. I guess I was giving you what Sam and I needed you to have, because we were hurting so badly. Max was aware of our pain, but obviously didn't understand what was happening. Maybe I'm starting to realize all the things that Max is going to miss out on, not having you in his life. Sam has so many connections to you, and special memories of you. I will work hard to make sure Max knows how much you love him. I miss giving you the "Monster Max" updates everyday. It would make me laugh and relax from the stresses of mommyhood when you would ask me "Did Max get a spanking yet today?" Or you would say "What has my Monster Max gotten into today?" I miss those chats mom. I miss everything. I miss your sweet voice telling me that everything is going to be ok, and that I really do love Maxwell even though he's unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper, destroyed stacks of freshly laundered and folded clothes, fought with his brother, and peed on the floor.
I've also been struggling with things I can't control, things I couldn't or can't fix. Sally said to make a list of everything I can't fix. I'm kind of scared to open that box in my heart. I wondered how far back I should go, and immediately knew the answer to that. All the way as far back as I can remember. Wherever the hurts or problems started. I'm going to do that mama. I know that each step I take is a healing one. So, maybe to move forward I need to go back, back to where things started. I worry that if I share everything with Dave he'll see how screwed up my family really was. What if he is like "What the hell have I gotten myself into?" I'm not proud of how screwed up everything was for a long time mom, and I don't want to change how Dave looks at me. Part of my brain knows that he doesn't scare easily and he's already made up his mind about me, and isn't going anywhere, but there's a small part that still says "No one has ever proven they will stay in your life..." I know this is all about trust. I know I have "trust issues". I'm working on it Mom.
Mamacita, will you please visit me in my dreams and send me an unmistakable sign that you are still with me? I need something mom to know you are still all around me. When I said I couldn't feel you, someone I trust said she thinks I am filled with you, that we are always together. Maybe I need the fog to be lifted from my heart before I can totally "see" you here with me. I'll be thinking of you as I go to sleep tonight mom, and again when I wake up. I miss you. I love you. I need you. My life isn't the same without you in it. There is a huge void in my life and a huge hole in my chest. My chest still aches with the loss, my eyes won't stop crying, my arms ache to hold you. I long to smell you, to hug you, to talk for hours and hours...
Love and More Love,
Erika
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Birthdays, Dreams and Trees
Dear Mamacita,
I know it's been a long time since I've written to you. So much has happened. Where to even begin? Guess I can start on my birthday. When we were cleaning the basement a few weeks ago I found several cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college, to cheer me up and encourage me. I put them in my planner and didn't look at them until my birthday. Dave took Sam to school and Max to daycare that morning, and I was alone in the house for a little while. I read them and the storm of sadness began, tears, anger that you aren't here for my 35th birthday, the physical ache in my chest of missing you, and the longing to be with you were just overwhelming. So I let the storm rage for a while and felt a little better when it had passed. Dave and I drove down to Stillwater for the day. We walked around and shopped a little and had lunch together. Came home to a nice quiet house and enjoyed the stillness and peace. I didn't want to have my birthday mom. Not without you here. You knew how much my birthday always meant to me, that it was my favorite "holiday". You knew why it was important to me. It just didn't feel right without you here...I also don't want to get older without you here.
You were such a huge part of my life, so integrated into the daily fabric, that to have you ripped out of my life is painful beyond belief. There are a thousand times a day I need to talk to you. I still can't bear to delete your contact info from my phone. Your name and number are still programmed into our house phones too, and I can't bring myself to delete it. I know it's just another way I'm not letting go of you. I just can't yet. I know that's ok for now. I know I have been holding onto everything I possibly can so that I don't lose you in every sense. I feel like I'm obsessive over the tiniest things about you. I buy clothes that remind me of you. I bought a shirt with butterflies on it because that's what you are to me now, and I bought a turquoise colored shirt with little birds on it, because I know it's one you would love. I've worn some of your clothes just to feel close to you. I wear your heart necklace everyday. When I think I can bear it, I will smell the bottle of your perfume that I kept. Maybe this isn't normal, maybe I'm holding on too tightly momma, but I can't seem to do otherwise.
A couple of good things have happened to my heart and mind in the last few weeks. One Sunday Dave and Sam were up at his Grandpa's cabin fixing deer stands so just Max and I went to church. I dropped him off at Sunday school and sat in church by myself. Pastor Chris' sermon was about her insistence that we pray. She said that usually her words are encouraging or inviting, but that day they were insistent. She gave some examples of prayer. She talked about how praying to God can be like having a conversation with Him, not just using the standard prayers. Then she prayed aloud for her mother who was having hip replacement surgery and her went went like this "God, thanks for mom...." That's all I really remember because those simple words melted some ice I had around my heart. I started to cry and I could finally feel my Jesus again. I have been praying and praying to feel Him and my mom's presence and finally sitting alone in church that day, surrounded by all His saints here and in Heaven, I felt the Holy Spirit melt some ice that was surrounding my broken heart. This was a huge break-through for my heart and spirit mom. I know that He never left me, it was just me that was having a hard time finding Him in all of this pain and trauma.
The other good thing that has happened, is I dreamed about you momma. This dream was unlike any others I have had. There was nothing negative or scary or sad. The dream was just your voice. It was pitch black in my head. There was no picture involved with this dream. It was just your voice coming out of the darkness. You were calling my name like you were just trying to get my attention. You said "Erika, Erika! It's all ok! I love you! I love you! I'm here!" That's all I remember mom. This was such a special dream to me. I've been over it again and again trying to figure out if it was real or if it was just a dream. I want to believe it was real, that you were really visiting me in my dreams, a place where my mind and heart would be totally open to receiving such a message. In the end, I've figured out it really doesn't matter if it was real because it was exactly what I needed.
One other good thing that has happened is that we bought and planted a beautiful pink spirus crab apple tree in your honor. It's at least 9 feet tall already and the thing I love about it is that it always blooms the most beautiful pink flowers over Mother's Day in the spring. Dayton wouldn't let us have the closure of putting a headstone on your grave to give you the respect you deserve, so this is the memorial we have to you. All winter long I can look out my livingroom window and see it there. I feel your spirit when I see it and it will represent Hope to me momma. Hope that spring will come, the ice and snow will melt outside as well as around my heart. Hope that the tree will bloom into something beautiful, and love and peace will bloom in my heart again. I bought a stone to put at the base that says "The greatest love is shared between a mother and daughter".
The thing that bothered me most about you not having a headstone until next year is the thought of you lying cold and alone there all winter, anonymous. No visitors during the winter, nothing to mark your place, nothing to say to the world "Here lies a wonderful woman who was loved beyond measure". You deserve to have your name there. Dayton chose to hurt me by not putting a headstone there. I need to have closure on the funeral process. He knew without a doubt how badly it would hurt me not to have it there, and yet he wouldn't allow us to pay for it, he wouldn't allow us to put a single headstone there, and he offered no explanations as to why. As always "he has a plan" that no one else is privy to. He told Nate, the funeral director that it was "just too soon" mom. That made me want to scream! He is moving on with his life. He's not sitting at home drowning in sorrow and can't function. Lies. I know if you are aware of what's playing out here on Earth you are appalled at what he's doing.
So to take back some of the power that Dayton took away, I sent out an email to all of my friends and relatives asking around for someone who does woodworking that would be willing/able to make a cross for us to put at your grave site. My friends Monica and Brian immediately said they could make it happen. We are going to make a name plate for it and write your name and a message for you on it. I am going to place it there and once your headstone is in place I will move the cross to your tree in our yard. I couldn't believe all the responses I got to the email I sent mom! Their love and kindness humbled me and made me feel so loved and that people really cared about the pain I am going through, and want to help. One of the blessings in this journey has been seeing the amazing love and kindness that people are capable of.
One final note before I sign off mom.. I have been seeing a fantastic grief counselor. Her name is Sally and she has 3 golden retrievers that wander around her office and look for love and petting from anyone that's willing. She's helping me sort stuff out. She has made me understand that grief, trauma, and ptsd are different things and have to be dealt with separately. This all makes lots of sense to me, and I'm so happy to have found her. I know this is what you would want for me mom. I'm trying to take care of myself.
I love you and miss you more than I can say. You are so loved.
Love and Hugs,
Erika
I know it's been a long time since I've written to you. So much has happened. Where to even begin? Guess I can start on my birthday. When we were cleaning the basement a few weeks ago I found several cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college, to cheer me up and encourage me. I put them in my planner and didn't look at them until my birthday. Dave took Sam to school and Max to daycare that morning, and I was alone in the house for a little while. I read them and the storm of sadness began, tears, anger that you aren't here for my 35th birthday, the physical ache in my chest of missing you, and the longing to be with you were just overwhelming. So I let the storm rage for a while and felt a little better when it had passed. Dave and I drove down to Stillwater for the day. We walked around and shopped a little and had lunch together. Came home to a nice quiet house and enjoyed the stillness and peace. I didn't want to have my birthday mom. Not without you here. You knew how much my birthday always meant to me, that it was my favorite "holiday". You knew why it was important to me. It just didn't feel right without you here...I also don't want to get older without you here.
You were such a huge part of my life, so integrated into the daily fabric, that to have you ripped out of my life is painful beyond belief. There are a thousand times a day I need to talk to you. I still can't bear to delete your contact info from my phone. Your name and number are still programmed into our house phones too, and I can't bring myself to delete it. I know it's just another way I'm not letting go of you. I just can't yet. I know that's ok for now. I know I have been holding onto everything I possibly can so that I don't lose you in every sense. I feel like I'm obsessive over the tiniest things about you. I buy clothes that remind me of you. I bought a shirt with butterflies on it because that's what you are to me now, and I bought a turquoise colored shirt with little birds on it, because I know it's one you would love. I've worn some of your clothes just to feel close to you. I wear your heart necklace everyday. When I think I can bear it, I will smell the bottle of your perfume that I kept. Maybe this isn't normal, maybe I'm holding on too tightly momma, but I can't seem to do otherwise.
A couple of good things have happened to my heart and mind in the last few weeks. One Sunday Dave and Sam were up at his Grandpa's cabin fixing deer stands so just Max and I went to church. I dropped him off at Sunday school and sat in church by myself. Pastor Chris' sermon was about her insistence that we pray. She said that usually her words are encouraging or inviting, but that day they were insistent. She gave some examples of prayer. She talked about how praying to God can be like having a conversation with Him, not just using the standard prayers. Then she prayed aloud for her mother who was having hip replacement surgery and her went went like this "God, thanks for mom...." That's all I really remember because those simple words melted some ice I had around my heart. I started to cry and I could finally feel my Jesus again. I have been praying and praying to feel Him and my mom's presence and finally sitting alone in church that day, surrounded by all His saints here and in Heaven, I felt the Holy Spirit melt some ice that was surrounding my broken heart. This was a huge break-through for my heart and spirit mom. I know that He never left me, it was just me that was having a hard time finding Him in all of this pain and trauma.
The other good thing that has happened, is I dreamed about you momma. This dream was unlike any others I have had. There was nothing negative or scary or sad. The dream was just your voice. It was pitch black in my head. There was no picture involved with this dream. It was just your voice coming out of the darkness. You were calling my name like you were just trying to get my attention. You said "Erika, Erika! It's all ok! I love you! I love you! I'm here!" That's all I remember mom. This was such a special dream to me. I've been over it again and again trying to figure out if it was real or if it was just a dream. I want to believe it was real, that you were really visiting me in my dreams, a place where my mind and heart would be totally open to receiving such a message. In the end, I've figured out it really doesn't matter if it was real because it was exactly what I needed.
One other good thing that has happened is that we bought and planted a beautiful pink spirus crab apple tree in your honor. It's at least 9 feet tall already and the thing I love about it is that it always blooms the most beautiful pink flowers over Mother's Day in the spring. Dayton wouldn't let us have the closure of putting a headstone on your grave to give you the respect you deserve, so this is the memorial we have to you. All winter long I can look out my livingroom window and see it there. I feel your spirit when I see it and it will represent Hope to me momma. Hope that spring will come, the ice and snow will melt outside as well as around my heart. Hope that the tree will bloom into something beautiful, and love and peace will bloom in my heart again. I bought a stone to put at the base that says "The greatest love is shared between a mother and daughter".
The thing that bothered me most about you not having a headstone until next year is the thought of you lying cold and alone there all winter, anonymous. No visitors during the winter, nothing to mark your place, nothing to say to the world "Here lies a wonderful woman who was loved beyond measure". You deserve to have your name there. Dayton chose to hurt me by not putting a headstone there. I need to have closure on the funeral process. He knew without a doubt how badly it would hurt me not to have it there, and yet he wouldn't allow us to pay for it, he wouldn't allow us to put a single headstone there, and he offered no explanations as to why. As always "he has a plan" that no one else is privy to. He told Nate, the funeral director that it was "just too soon" mom. That made me want to scream! He is moving on with his life. He's not sitting at home drowning in sorrow and can't function. Lies. I know if you are aware of what's playing out here on Earth you are appalled at what he's doing.
So to take back some of the power that Dayton took away, I sent out an email to all of my friends and relatives asking around for someone who does woodworking that would be willing/able to make a cross for us to put at your grave site. My friends Monica and Brian immediately said they could make it happen. We are going to make a name plate for it and write your name and a message for you on it. I am going to place it there and once your headstone is in place I will move the cross to your tree in our yard. I couldn't believe all the responses I got to the email I sent mom! Their love and kindness humbled me and made me feel so loved and that people really cared about the pain I am going through, and want to help. One of the blessings in this journey has been seeing the amazing love and kindness that people are capable of.
One final note before I sign off mom.. I have been seeing a fantastic grief counselor. Her name is Sally and she has 3 golden retrievers that wander around her office and look for love and petting from anyone that's willing. She's helping me sort stuff out. She has made me understand that grief, trauma, and ptsd are different things and have to be dealt with separately. This all makes lots of sense to me, and I'm so happy to have found her. I know this is what you would want for me mom. I'm trying to take care of myself.
I love you and miss you more than I can say. You are so loved.
Love and Hugs,
Erika
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Missing You Today
Dear Mamacita,
I want to blog tonight, but the words won't come. Maybe I'm too tired. It's been a very emotional day. I think I'm just gonna chill and go to bed early tonight momma. I love you so much. I'm missing you so very bad tonight. My heart is full of love and loneliness. I love my family so much, but I'm so lonely for you mamacita. I needed to hear your voice today and feel you close to me and I can't. I did read some old birthday cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college.. The things you said in them are as relevant today as they were back in 1997. I'll share them with you later. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow night. I'll blog sometime tomorrow and let you know everything that's on my heart mama. It's just too achy in my chest right now. I think I need some process time. Will you visit me and Sam Sam in our dreams tonight? Oh, and tomorrow I will also tell you about church on Sunday. Something great is happening....
Night Mamacita,
Me
I want to blog tonight, but the words won't come. Maybe I'm too tired. It's been a very emotional day. I think I'm just gonna chill and go to bed early tonight momma. I love you so much. I'm missing you so very bad tonight. My heart is full of love and loneliness. I love my family so much, but I'm so lonely for you mamacita. I needed to hear your voice today and feel you close to me and I can't. I did read some old birthday cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college.. The things you said in them are as relevant today as they were back in 1997. I'll share them with you later. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow night. I'll blog sometime tomorrow and let you know everything that's on my heart mama. It's just too achy in my chest right now. I think I need some process time. Will you visit me and Sam Sam in our dreams tonight? Oh, and tomorrow I will also tell you about church on Sunday. Something great is happening....
Night Mamacita,
Me
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hunting, Quilts and Trees
Dear Mamacita,
It's 5:40 a.m. and Dave and Sam just left to go up to Dave's grandpa's cabin to work on hunting stands with Loren, Cameron, his cousinTodd and his son A.J. and a few other guys. Sam was so excited! He woke up at 4:00 and started watching the clock. He came upstairs at exactly 5:00. We were going to let him sleep till about 5:20 and when he came upstairs I asked him why he was already up and he said "well dad said we had to get up at 5:00!" I made some fresh blueberry muffins and fresh coffee for Dave and a thermos of milk for Sam. We made sandwiches last night and packed some snacks, so they grabbed everything and I sent them on their way. I'm looking forward to taking Max to church and then Target and coming home and having a quiet day and doing laundry and getting ready for the week.
Yesterday Dave's mom and I made the pattern and stencils to cut out the pieces of material from your clothes to make a quilt made from of all my favorite pieces of clothes that were yours. It felt good to get started on your quilt. This is going to be a quilt that gets used everyday and can be washed and loved. I'm going to love it so much mom. It will definitely feel so good to me to be able to snuggle with pieces of clothing that you wore and lived in. It was difficult to handle your clothes yesterday, it makes me miss you so much. My heart aches with the need to see you in these clothes again. Yesterday I had the intense desire to go to Caribou with you and just have some alone time with you. I wanted a two hour coffee chat with you. I long to hear your laugh and the gentle banter that flows so naturally between us. I just want to feel that love, that bond, that easiness of conversation, where we could say nothing or talk forever..
On Wednesday I saw a grief counselor for the first time. Her name is Sally, and she was fantastic! She had so many insights into what I'm going through. She validated everything I was feeling and was an amazing listener. She also has two beautiful golden retrievers that wander around her office and come over for some loves and pets while we talk. I loved that. I'm going to see her once a week until further notice. I printed off all of my blog entries for her to read. I thought they'd give her a good idea of how I've been doing since August. I will keep you posed on how that's going. I'm trying to take care of myself mom. I know you only wanted the best for me, and that you want me to be ok, and to be happy. I'm not there yet, but maybe someday. I want to find you mom. I want to feel you next to me and know without a doubt that you are there. I need a sign. Can you send me something to let me know it's you?
I've been sharing these letters with people I care about mom, so that they know how I am doing. I feel like I need to express to them that I will eventually be ok. Some people have expressed their real concern for my health and safety. I want to say without a doubt that I would never ever, ever hurt myself. That would be dishonoring your love for me, and sentencing my loved ones that are still here to an unbelievable pain for a long, long time. I wouldn't do that. I fully intend to see my children grow up and have babies of their own. I will spoil my grandchildren just like you spoiled yours. :) I hope that they will call me Nana too one day. It would be such an honor. Maybe one of my boys will have a little girl someday for me to love and have that mother/daughter relationship with. I crave that so bad. I think about adopting a little girl so much. I know it's because of the relationship I'm missing in my life, so it's not the right time to do anything like that, but I think of it often. In the meantime, I've got my beautiful nieces Lindsey and Kylie that I can pour my mommy love into for now. I'd also like to tell all my loved ones who read this blog, how much I love them and couldn't walk this journey without them. I feel so loved and so supported. And I know that some of my closest family members (who are also friends) are hurting badly right now. I will do everything I can to be there for them in the ways that they have been there for me. It's all the little things that make a difference. For me it's just people acknowledging the pain and difficult road I'm on.
Dayton isn't going to let us get your headstone, mamacita. He won't tell us exactly why, we have a few guesses as to what his reasons are, but either way, they are selfish. I feel that it's so disrespectful to you to not have a headstone there after 5 months, and now it won't be there over the winter. I know you're not physically there, but I need everyone who passes by there to know who's buried there and to know that you were not insignificant, that you were loved beyond measure, and to see your name there. It was killing me to think of your body being there over the long, cold, dark winter with no name, no visitors of anything. The worst part is going to be Christmas. Knowing that your body is there, instead of here with us. I know I need to change my perspective and realize that you get to celebrate Christmas with Jesus, Himself this year, and I'm sure there's nothing better than that. However, it's going to be a difficult season for all of us back here. Dayton has taken the right to see your name there, to show you the respect that you deserve, away from me, so to take back some of my power, Dave and I have decided to plant a pink spirus crabapple tree in the back yard. I wanted to do it this weekend, but the place we're going to get it from won't have any instock for a week or so. I saved all the money I got in memorial gifts after your death, and put the money in an envelope for this very reason. I researched a lot of trees and found the perfect one. This tree doesn't drop its fruit and always is blooming over Mother's Day. It's truly beautiful. It will be my place to go be with you. And everytime I see it this winter it will bring me hope for the spring when it will bloom and we will finally have your headstone in place.
Well momma, I got a long time alone this morning to write to you and talk to you, and Monster Max is waking up, so I gotta go. I will talk to you soon, until then know that you are in my heart and thoughts always..
Love and Beautiful Trees,
Erika
It's 5:40 a.m. and Dave and Sam just left to go up to Dave's grandpa's cabin to work on hunting stands with Loren, Cameron, his cousinTodd and his son A.J. and a few other guys. Sam was so excited! He woke up at 4:00 and started watching the clock. He came upstairs at exactly 5:00. We were going to let him sleep till about 5:20 and when he came upstairs I asked him why he was already up and he said "well dad said we had to get up at 5:00!" I made some fresh blueberry muffins and fresh coffee for Dave and a thermos of milk for Sam. We made sandwiches last night and packed some snacks, so they grabbed everything and I sent them on their way. I'm looking forward to taking Max to church and then Target and coming home and having a quiet day and doing laundry and getting ready for the week.
Yesterday Dave's mom and I made the pattern and stencils to cut out the pieces of material from your clothes to make a quilt made from of all my favorite pieces of clothes that were yours. It felt good to get started on your quilt. This is going to be a quilt that gets used everyday and can be washed and loved. I'm going to love it so much mom. It will definitely feel so good to me to be able to snuggle with pieces of clothing that you wore and lived in. It was difficult to handle your clothes yesterday, it makes me miss you so much. My heart aches with the need to see you in these clothes again. Yesterday I had the intense desire to go to Caribou with you and just have some alone time with you. I wanted a two hour coffee chat with you. I long to hear your laugh and the gentle banter that flows so naturally between us. I just want to feel that love, that bond, that easiness of conversation, where we could say nothing or talk forever..
On Wednesday I saw a grief counselor for the first time. Her name is Sally, and she was fantastic! She had so many insights into what I'm going through. She validated everything I was feeling and was an amazing listener. She also has two beautiful golden retrievers that wander around her office and come over for some loves and pets while we talk. I loved that. I'm going to see her once a week until further notice. I printed off all of my blog entries for her to read. I thought they'd give her a good idea of how I've been doing since August. I will keep you posed on how that's going. I'm trying to take care of myself mom. I know you only wanted the best for me, and that you want me to be ok, and to be happy. I'm not there yet, but maybe someday. I want to find you mom. I want to feel you next to me and know without a doubt that you are there. I need a sign. Can you send me something to let me know it's you?
I've been sharing these letters with people I care about mom, so that they know how I am doing. I feel like I need to express to them that I will eventually be ok. Some people have expressed their real concern for my health and safety. I want to say without a doubt that I would never ever, ever hurt myself. That would be dishonoring your love for me, and sentencing my loved ones that are still here to an unbelievable pain for a long, long time. I wouldn't do that. I fully intend to see my children grow up and have babies of their own. I will spoil my grandchildren just like you spoiled yours. :) I hope that they will call me Nana too one day. It would be such an honor. Maybe one of my boys will have a little girl someday for me to love and have that mother/daughter relationship with. I crave that so bad. I think about adopting a little girl so much. I know it's because of the relationship I'm missing in my life, so it's not the right time to do anything like that, but I think of it often. In the meantime, I've got my beautiful nieces Lindsey and Kylie that I can pour my mommy love into for now. I'd also like to tell all my loved ones who read this blog, how much I love them and couldn't walk this journey without them. I feel so loved and so supported. And I know that some of my closest family members (who are also friends) are hurting badly right now. I will do everything I can to be there for them in the ways that they have been there for me. It's all the little things that make a difference. For me it's just people acknowledging the pain and difficult road I'm on.
Dayton isn't going to let us get your headstone, mamacita. He won't tell us exactly why, we have a few guesses as to what his reasons are, but either way, they are selfish. I feel that it's so disrespectful to you to not have a headstone there after 5 months, and now it won't be there over the winter. I know you're not physically there, but I need everyone who passes by there to know who's buried there and to know that you were not insignificant, that you were loved beyond measure, and to see your name there. It was killing me to think of your body being there over the long, cold, dark winter with no name, no visitors of anything. The worst part is going to be Christmas. Knowing that your body is there, instead of here with us. I know I need to change my perspective and realize that you get to celebrate Christmas with Jesus, Himself this year, and I'm sure there's nothing better than that. However, it's going to be a difficult season for all of us back here. Dayton has taken the right to see your name there, to show you the respect that you deserve, away from me, so to take back some of my power, Dave and I have decided to plant a pink spirus crabapple tree in the back yard. I wanted to do it this weekend, but the place we're going to get it from won't have any instock for a week or so. I saved all the money I got in memorial gifts after your death, and put the money in an envelope for this very reason. I researched a lot of trees and found the perfect one. This tree doesn't drop its fruit and always is blooming over Mother's Day. It's truly beautiful. It will be my place to go be with you. And everytime I see it this winter it will bring me hope for the spring when it will bloom and we will finally have your headstone in place.
Well momma, I got a long time alone this morning to write to you and talk to you, and Monster Max is waking up, so I gotta go. I will talk to you soon, until then know that you are in my heart and thoughts always..
Love and Beautiful Trees,
Erika
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sadness and Strife
Dear Mamacita,
Life just isn't getting easier for me and Dave. Yesterday morning Sue's husband Dave died of a sudden heart attack. He was only 47 years old. My heart is hurting so much for the pain I see and feel in Dave, Sue, Rach, Becca.....everyone. I am so incredibly sad for the path that Rach and Becca have to walk now, without their dad. I know the pain they are in for now. I will be there for them in every single way that I can to help them know that they aren't alone, and they will make it through this dark time of their lives. My heart breaks for Sue. She knew Dave for 31 years. That's a long time to love someone and lose your husband and best friend. I miss Dave so much too. In the last five months we have grown so much closer. He was the only one in our family that had lost a parent, and whenever we saw each other he would slide an arm around me and look me in the eyes and ask me how I was doing. And I knew I didn't have to explain my feelings to him. He just "got" it. He just knew what was on my mind. I will miss his quiet, loving way, his funny sense of humor that would make you take a double take, and how his smile always reached his eyes. He will be missed so badly by so many people. If you see him up there mom, give him a hug from all of us, and "show him the ropes" of Heaven.
It's fall now mom. This was always our favorite time of year. You loved how dry and crisp the air felt and of course, the beautiful fall colors. Dave just reminded me that next Tuesday is my birthday. It shocked me. It doesn't seem possible that it's been almost a year since that terrible day a year ago when our lives began to spiral downwards. I don't want it to be fall. I don't want to see the leaves change color. It shouldn't be happening without you. I still picture you here with me, wearing that beautiful perfect fall red sweater and a pair of jeans, sitting at my table having coffee with me and just chatting about life, love , Monster Max, and Sam Sam. I loved our chats and miss them so incredibly much. Just having you here in my house, laughing and talking with me was the best feeling ever! I always felt so loved and supported by being with you. The boys would just light up when you would walk in the door. I will never forget the look on your face every single time you came in the house and saw the boys. The was just a look of complete joy and love on your face and in your eyes. It was like your heart had come home. The four of us were together, and life was good. The world felt like it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Do you think it will ever feel like that again? I just don't know mom. Maybe someday when I'm a nana and I'm sitting in one of my son's houses with them and their kids... Hard to even imagine at this point.
I decided how I want to spend my birthday this year mom. Dave and I are going to take the day off of work and school, take the kids to school and daycare, and then drive down to Stillwater for the day. We love it down there! We're going to have lunch at Smalley's Caribbean BBQ and Pirate Bar, and just walk around and see what we see. I didn't want to be alone on this anniversary of something so sad, and I didn't want to be at work, because my heart wouldn't be in it. So I'm really looking forward to some alone time with Dave.
We still haven't finished dealing with your headstone issue. Dayton refuses to sign the damn contract and write the check and send it in. We even told him that we would pay for it, and that just made him blow up, saying "he's a big boy and doesn't need anyone to take care of his problems" etc. etc. I can't even tell you how irate I am over this situation mom. I feel like he doesn't give a damn how I feel, and that I need this headstone to be there to heal part of my heart. He told the funeral director yesterday that "it's just too soon" for him. WTH??!!!?? It's been 5 months and he's dating someone, so it's not like he's wallowing in sorrow or self-pity at home and can't function with the grief. Why won't he do this momma? He just seems so selfish and self-absorbed right now. I don't think he truly understands how I feel and how incredibly hard this has been and is for me.
I have a request mom. Can you please check in with God, after choir practice, and ask for some special favors? We need some help down here. I need help with Dayton, and my husband and his side of our family is hurting. I pray for comfort for all of them that are hurting. Please let me feel your love around me mom. I need you. Now more than ever....
Love and Mixed Feelings of Fall,
Erika
Life just isn't getting easier for me and Dave. Yesterday morning Sue's husband Dave died of a sudden heart attack. He was only 47 years old. My heart is hurting so much for the pain I see and feel in Dave, Sue, Rach, Becca.....everyone. I am so incredibly sad for the path that Rach and Becca have to walk now, without their dad. I know the pain they are in for now. I will be there for them in every single way that I can to help them know that they aren't alone, and they will make it through this dark time of their lives. My heart breaks for Sue. She knew Dave for 31 years. That's a long time to love someone and lose your husband and best friend. I miss Dave so much too. In the last five months we have grown so much closer. He was the only one in our family that had lost a parent, and whenever we saw each other he would slide an arm around me and look me in the eyes and ask me how I was doing. And I knew I didn't have to explain my feelings to him. He just "got" it. He just knew what was on my mind. I will miss his quiet, loving way, his funny sense of humor that would make you take a double take, and how his smile always reached his eyes. He will be missed so badly by so many people. If you see him up there mom, give him a hug from all of us, and "show him the ropes" of Heaven.
It's fall now mom. This was always our favorite time of year. You loved how dry and crisp the air felt and of course, the beautiful fall colors. Dave just reminded me that next Tuesday is my birthday. It shocked me. It doesn't seem possible that it's been almost a year since that terrible day a year ago when our lives began to spiral downwards. I don't want it to be fall. I don't want to see the leaves change color. It shouldn't be happening without you. I still picture you here with me, wearing that beautiful perfect fall red sweater and a pair of jeans, sitting at my table having coffee with me and just chatting about life, love , Monster Max, and Sam Sam. I loved our chats and miss them so incredibly much. Just having you here in my house, laughing and talking with me was the best feeling ever! I always felt so loved and supported by being with you. The boys would just light up when you would walk in the door. I will never forget the look on your face every single time you came in the house and saw the boys. The was just a look of complete joy and love on your face and in your eyes. It was like your heart had come home. The four of us were together, and life was good. The world felt like it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Do you think it will ever feel like that again? I just don't know mom. Maybe someday when I'm a nana and I'm sitting in one of my son's houses with them and their kids... Hard to even imagine at this point.
I decided how I want to spend my birthday this year mom. Dave and I are going to take the day off of work and school, take the kids to school and daycare, and then drive down to Stillwater for the day. We love it down there! We're going to have lunch at Smalley's Caribbean BBQ and Pirate Bar, and just walk around and see what we see. I didn't want to be alone on this anniversary of something so sad, and I didn't want to be at work, because my heart wouldn't be in it. So I'm really looking forward to some alone time with Dave.
We still haven't finished dealing with your headstone issue. Dayton refuses to sign the damn contract and write the check and send it in. We even told him that we would pay for it, and that just made him blow up, saying "he's a big boy and doesn't need anyone to take care of his problems" etc. etc. I can't even tell you how irate I am over this situation mom. I feel like he doesn't give a damn how I feel, and that I need this headstone to be there to heal part of my heart. He told the funeral director yesterday that "it's just too soon" for him. WTH??!!!?? It's been 5 months and he's dating someone, so it's not like he's wallowing in sorrow or self-pity at home and can't function with the grief. Why won't he do this momma? He just seems so selfish and self-absorbed right now. I don't think he truly understands how I feel and how incredibly hard this has been and is for me.
I have a request mom. Can you please check in with God, after choir practice, and ask for some special favors? We need some help down here. I need help with Dayton, and my husband and his side of our family is hurting. I pray for comfort for all of them that are hurting. Please let me feel your love around me mom. I need you. Now more than ever....
Love and Mixed Feelings of Fall,
Erika
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
5 months
Dear Mamacita,
It's been 5 months, mom. You have been free for 5 months now. Free from pain, procedures, doctors, humiliation and fear. And I know that you are in an amazing place now mom. You are young, beautiful, perfectly healthy, and completely happy in the arms of God. For that, I am grateful. However, these have been the worst 5 months of my entire life. I miss our relationship so incredibly much! There are still a billion times a day I want to call you, text you, or see you just to tell you something or hear the love in your voice when you say "Hi Sweetie" when you answer the phone. Sometimes I think I could cry for days without stopping. There are times that I just want to be alone for a week, a month...just to be alone with my grief. I want to escape from all the other demands in my life and be able to concentrate just on my heart. Maybe I'm just fooling myself or wishing too hard, but sometimes I think that if I could just be alone, sitting on the flat rocks in Grand Marais, with nothing and no one around me that I could sense you and communicate with you somehow. Do you think God would allow that mom? When do I get to see you again? When will my heart start to heal?
Someone I trust confided in me that when she was going through a very difficult time in her life, she also had trouble feeling God. She said her faith had become "just" an intellectual thing, rather than an emotional connection to God. She said that just believing that God is there and is somehow taking care of everything counts as faith. She talked about how the fear felt cold to her. And that somehow with time she slowly began to trust life again. To trust God again. She was able to verbalize what I have been feeling. I don't trust that life won't keep taking things, taking people from me. Maybe instead of the word Life, the name God could be exchanged. Maybe I don't trust God with my whole heart right now. How do I learn to trust again? I know He is with me, and is taking care of me and was merciful with us during this whole experience, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's going to be next? Who will leave me next? You and Dave were the closest people to me in my whole world. You two were the the most significant people in my life, and now half of you are gone. Dave is all I have left. I am so lucky to have him. My world would be shattered if he wasn't in my life..
I would never abandon my God, my faith.. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take. I know our fragile human hearts can withstand amazing amounts of pain. I know I need to lay my hurt and anger, loneliness and sadness at Jesus' feet and ask Him to take it all away. Do you think God is listening mom? Do you think He has time for my insignificant little broken heart? In the scope of the world's problems, where does my broken heart rank in God's "To Do" list?
I keep telling myself that I'm going to write you a positive letter, that you're probably tired of just hearing about all the pain.. But then one of my best friends told me I didn't have to do that, and gave me permission to spew my pain, loneliness and anger in these letters to you.
I miss you mom. I'm 5 months closer to seeing you again. I know you're right around the corner, just waiting for me. Do you miss me there, or is that not even possible where you are? Do you feel me? Do you see me and my boys? So many questions..and after 5 months, I'm still not any closer to answering them.
Good night mom. Tomorrow is a new day...
All My Love,
Erika
It's been 5 months, mom. You have been free for 5 months now. Free from pain, procedures, doctors, humiliation and fear. And I know that you are in an amazing place now mom. You are young, beautiful, perfectly healthy, and completely happy in the arms of God. For that, I am grateful. However, these have been the worst 5 months of my entire life. I miss our relationship so incredibly much! There are still a billion times a day I want to call you, text you, or see you just to tell you something or hear the love in your voice when you say "Hi Sweetie" when you answer the phone. Sometimes I think I could cry for days without stopping. There are times that I just want to be alone for a week, a month...just to be alone with my grief. I want to escape from all the other demands in my life and be able to concentrate just on my heart. Maybe I'm just fooling myself or wishing too hard, but sometimes I think that if I could just be alone, sitting on the flat rocks in Grand Marais, with nothing and no one around me that I could sense you and communicate with you somehow. Do you think God would allow that mom? When do I get to see you again? When will my heart start to heal?
Someone I trust confided in me that when she was going through a very difficult time in her life, she also had trouble feeling God. She said her faith had become "just" an intellectual thing, rather than an emotional connection to God. She said that just believing that God is there and is somehow taking care of everything counts as faith. She talked about how the fear felt cold to her. And that somehow with time she slowly began to trust life again. To trust God again. She was able to verbalize what I have been feeling. I don't trust that life won't keep taking things, taking people from me. Maybe instead of the word Life, the name God could be exchanged. Maybe I don't trust God with my whole heart right now. How do I learn to trust again? I know He is with me, and is taking care of me and was merciful with us during this whole experience, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's going to be next? Who will leave me next? You and Dave were the closest people to me in my whole world. You two were the the most significant people in my life, and now half of you are gone. Dave is all I have left. I am so lucky to have him. My world would be shattered if he wasn't in my life..
I would never abandon my God, my faith.. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take. I know our fragile human hearts can withstand amazing amounts of pain. I know I need to lay my hurt and anger, loneliness and sadness at Jesus' feet and ask Him to take it all away. Do you think God is listening mom? Do you think He has time for my insignificant little broken heart? In the scope of the world's problems, where does my broken heart rank in God's "To Do" list?
I keep telling myself that I'm going to write you a positive letter, that you're probably tired of just hearing about all the pain.. But then one of my best friends told me I didn't have to do that, and gave me permission to spew my pain, loneliness and anger in these letters to you.
I miss you mom. I'm 5 months closer to seeing you again. I know you're right around the corner, just waiting for me. Do you miss me there, or is that not even possible where you are? Do you feel me? Do you see me and my boys? So many questions..and after 5 months, I'm still not any closer to answering them.
Good night mom. Tomorrow is a new day...
All My Love,
Erika
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Spiritually Deaf
Dear Mamacita,
Today I went back to church for the first time since, well...what seems like forever. I stopped going when you got really sick. There didn't seem to be any time and if there was some down time I just wanted to be at home. Then when you died, I had a lot of issues with going to church again. I guess in this letter I'd like to tell you about where I'm at with God, mom. You and I used to have such amazing conversations... Sometimes they'd be lighthearted and funny, and sometimes they were deep...trying to figure out things maybe we aren't meant to know in this lifetime.
I've told you before that I'm not angry at God for taking you home to be with Him. I know that was merciful on His part. I know He didn't make you sick. Here's where I have the problem, mom. I don't hear Him anymore. I don't hear you anymore. I know that God hasn't left me for one single moment during this last sad year of my life. But, I can't feel Him. I can't feel you. I feel so incredibly lonely for both of you. Why can't I feel and hear God, mom? The more I try to hear Him, and don't, the angrier I get. The more I try to sense your presence and don't, the more frustrated and sad I become. I talk to God, mom. I pray for others, I pray for my family and even strangers I see on the street. I'll see a teenage girl walking down the sidewalk and pray that God brings good things into her life and keep her safe. Maybe I just haven't asked Him to help me. Maybe He is helping me and I just can't tell. I pray that He will let me sense you near me, but I haven't. Why won't He allow that mom? I wouldn't be afraid if I sensed you in the room with me. I would feel comforted I think. The silence I feel from God and you makes me feel insignificant. I'm sure God has way more important things to be handling than my sad and hurting heart. I have repeatedly said that I'm not angry with God, but I guess I am. Just because I feel so distant from Him and you. Why won't He talk to me, or comfort me, or let you visit me? And if you have, why can't I feel it???
It was good to be at church again today. I loved seeing some friends there. However I was expecting an emotional reunion between me and God, and that didn't happen. There have been so many times at church that I have felt the Holy Spirit there in our midst, but I couldn't sense that today. I left feeling a little disappointed that I didn't feel God there either. I was happy that my boys loved being back. But I felt numb as I left.
I've got a lot on my heart right now. We are having some serious issues with a family member, concerning your headstone, and I don't know how that's going to be resolved. It will all come to a head this week though. Also, Tuesday will be 5 months since you've died. That doesn't seem possible. I hate every minute of this mom. My chest hurts tonight. I need to go to bed and blackout for awhile and escape the heartache for awhile.
I love you more than anything mamacita. You were my mom and best friend. Please visit me when you can.......even if it's in my dreams.
Love and tight hugs,
Lucita
Today I went back to church for the first time since, well...what seems like forever. I stopped going when you got really sick. There didn't seem to be any time and if there was some down time I just wanted to be at home. Then when you died, I had a lot of issues with going to church again. I guess in this letter I'd like to tell you about where I'm at with God, mom. You and I used to have such amazing conversations... Sometimes they'd be lighthearted and funny, and sometimes they were deep...trying to figure out things maybe we aren't meant to know in this lifetime.
I've told you before that I'm not angry at God for taking you home to be with Him. I know that was merciful on His part. I know He didn't make you sick. Here's where I have the problem, mom. I don't hear Him anymore. I don't hear you anymore. I know that God hasn't left me for one single moment during this last sad year of my life. But, I can't feel Him. I can't feel you. I feel so incredibly lonely for both of you. Why can't I feel and hear God, mom? The more I try to hear Him, and don't, the angrier I get. The more I try to sense your presence and don't, the more frustrated and sad I become. I talk to God, mom. I pray for others, I pray for my family and even strangers I see on the street. I'll see a teenage girl walking down the sidewalk and pray that God brings good things into her life and keep her safe. Maybe I just haven't asked Him to help me. Maybe He is helping me and I just can't tell. I pray that He will let me sense you near me, but I haven't. Why won't He allow that mom? I wouldn't be afraid if I sensed you in the room with me. I would feel comforted I think. The silence I feel from God and you makes me feel insignificant. I'm sure God has way more important things to be handling than my sad and hurting heart. I have repeatedly said that I'm not angry with God, but I guess I am. Just because I feel so distant from Him and you. Why won't He talk to me, or comfort me, or let you visit me? And if you have, why can't I feel it???
It was good to be at church again today. I loved seeing some friends there. However I was expecting an emotional reunion between me and God, and that didn't happen. There have been so many times at church that I have felt the Holy Spirit there in our midst, but I couldn't sense that today. I left feeling a little disappointed that I didn't feel God there either. I was happy that my boys loved being back. But I felt numb as I left.
I've got a lot on my heart right now. We are having some serious issues with a family member, concerning your headstone, and I don't know how that's going to be resolved. It will all come to a head this week though. Also, Tuesday will be 5 months since you've died. That doesn't seem possible. I hate every minute of this mom. My chest hurts tonight. I need to go to bed and blackout for awhile and escape the heartache for awhile.
I love you more than anything mamacita. You were my mom and best friend. Please visit me when you can.......even if it's in my dreams.
Love and tight hugs,
Lucita
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Empty
Dear Mamacita,
I feel empty today. It's been one of those days where nothing feels right, and the anxiety is always just right there hiding beneath the surface. I miss everything that was you. I. want to talk to you on the phone and hear your voice. I want to feel your arms around me. I feel like a little kid, I want to crawl onto the couch with you and just snuggle. Even if you couldn't talk to me I just want to lay with you and snuggle and feel your warmth and tell you over and over how much I love and adore you.
On your birthday you held me while I cried, and I said "I don't think I can do this, Mom.." and you said "You'll be ok, baby.." When will that be mom? I feel so lonely for you, no one understands the relationship that we had. No one knows exactly how much I love and need you. Every single minute I long to hear your laughter, hear you say my name, hear you say I love you, just one more time. I wish I could dream of you mom. I wish I could have a really really good dream about you and me. I need you mamacita. I need to feel your presence. Do you know how broken my heart really is? If you do, I'm sure it makes you so sad. You told me not to be sad forever. I said I wouldn't, but I had no idea the pain would be like this.
Why did it have to end like this mom? Why did it have to be you? I feel like my kids have been robbed of the honor of growing up with you in their lives. I feel angry that you won't be there for all the milestones and all the little moments too. I get so angry that I just want to scream and curse and smash stuff. The emotions are so intense at times it feels like I can't contain them inside my heart and brain. The anger is white hot sometimes. And the sadness can be as blue as the night sky. Sometimes my chest hurts so bad that I think something may be physically wrong with me. The only escape I have is at night when I take 2 xanax and fall into a black sleep.
I don't want to leave my kids and my family and friends here, but I just long to be with you, in place of eternal peace and healing. I want to find you again and feel whole again. I want you here in my life. I need you mom. What am I supposed to do about that? What can I do about my grief? What can I do about the pain? What am I supposed to do when my kids ask for you and I can't explain it to them? So many questions and no freakin answers. I'm done mom. There's nothing left in me tonight except pain and emptiness. I'm done trying to explain how to I feel to others. Sad doesn't cover it, angry doesn't cover it, heartbroken doesn't cover it. It's all those things multiplied by a billion.
One final thought of the night mom.... a quote you would agree with..
"Grief is the price we pay for love." Queen Elizabeth II
Love,
Me
I feel empty today. It's been one of those days where nothing feels right, and the anxiety is always just right there hiding beneath the surface. I miss everything that was you. I. want to talk to you on the phone and hear your voice. I want to feel your arms around me. I feel like a little kid, I want to crawl onto the couch with you and just snuggle. Even if you couldn't talk to me I just want to lay with you and snuggle and feel your warmth and tell you over and over how much I love and adore you.
On your birthday you held me while I cried, and I said "I don't think I can do this, Mom.." and you said "You'll be ok, baby.." When will that be mom? I feel so lonely for you, no one understands the relationship that we had. No one knows exactly how much I love and need you. Every single minute I long to hear your laughter, hear you say my name, hear you say I love you, just one more time. I wish I could dream of you mom. I wish I could have a really really good dream about you and me. I need you mamacita. I need to feel your presence. Do you know how broken my heart really is? If you do, I'm sure it makes you so sad. You told me not to be sad forever. I said I wouldn't, but I had no idea the pain would be like this.
Why did it have to end like this mom? Why did it have to be you? I feel like my kids have been robbed of the honor of growing up with you in their lives. I feel angry that you won't be there for all the milestones and all the little moments too. I get so angry that I just want to scream and curse and smash stuff. The emotions are so intense at times it feels like I can't contain them inside my heart and brain. The anger is white hot sometimes. And the sadness can be as blue as the night sky. Sometimes my chest hurts so bad that I think something may be physically wrong with me. The only escape I have is at night when I take 2 xanax and fall into a black sleep.
I don't want to leave my kids and my family and friends here, but I just long to be with you, in place of eternal peace and healing. I want to find you again and feel whole again. I want you here in my life. I need you mom. What am I supposed to do about that? What can I do about my grief? What can I do about the pain? What am I supposed to do when my kids ask for you and I can't explain it to them? So many questions and no freakin answers. I'm done mom. There's nothing left in me tonight except pain and emptiness. I'm done trying to explain how to I feel to others. Sad doesn't cover it, angry doesn't cover it, heartbroken doesn't cover it. It's all those things multiplied by a billion.
One final thought of the night mom.... a quote you would agree with..
"Grief is the price we pay for love." Queen Elizabeth II
Love,
Me
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A New Year
Dear Mamacita,
Today was the second day of school. Yesterday I was a mess. I was so very anxious, nervous, excited, and sad all at once. I felt sick to my stomach all morning. I was anxious and nervous because I didn't know what to expect from these 5th graders. I wasn't sure I knew how to talk to them, what they would be like, and if they would like me too. I know that's insecure of me, but it is what it is. I was so sad because this is the first school year I have ever started without you. Since my first day of kindergarten through my first day of student teaching, you were there for me. You always had such complete faith and belief in me. You always thought I could do anything. You encouraged me and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You were always so interested in every detail of my and Sam's days at school. You loved the funny stories and when I would tell you frustrating stories of things that had happened during the day you would help me find the humor in it all. You were so insightful and I miss you so much. I wish you were here to decompress with. I want to go over everything with you. I feel like there is so much that you are missing, that you don't know. It scares me that you might not know what's going on in my life.
I am missing telling you my Monster Max stories. For example, tonight after dinner I started clearing the dishes from the table and Max ran and sat next to Sam on the big chair. We had a feeling he needed to use the potty but he didn't say anything so I walked over there and he had already started going pee and poop in his undies! So I ran him into the bathroom and had to dig a huge chunk of poop out of his undies using some toilet paper! I know if I would have called you, you would have burst out laughing and made me see the humor in it, and that would have made me love you and Max even more.
When I was missing you really bad on Tuesday morning, I told a friend of mine that I really needed you with me, and she said "she's in your heart and soul, and the only difference is this year she gets to be in your classroom with you!" That thought was so comforting! I don't know if you have been visiting me in my class, but everything has gone really well. I have been feeling happy at school these last two days and feeling like I may just have found my place. I wish I could look in your eyes as I tell you all this. I guess I will just have to hope you're in my classroom and in my heart. If I could ask one thing of you mom, it would be for you to look in on Sam during his days at school. I worry about him. I know he's trying so hard socially right now. I know it's so stressful for him. I hope you're there to lay your hand on his shoulder and guide him through all the social situations that he needs help with. He misses you so bad too mom. He talks about you all the time. He told me his wish for this school year was that you were still alive. I didn't even know what to say to that. I just tried not to cry.
I also just went to our first family get together without you there. The vibe was totally different without you there. When things got silly or exasperating, you weren't there to make eye contact with and laugh with. Missing you doesn't begin to cover how I feel about not having you here. It feels like the light in my life is now dim. There's still light, it's just not as bright. I'm not sure it ever will be as bright as when you were in my life.
There's so much pain and trouble in life right now. Adam is hurting both himself and Dayton so much. I know this can only end one way for him. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later. Dayton can't take it, and I can barely take the stress of dealing with the fallout. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not responsible for either one of their actions and can't control either one of them. I can't make either of them do the right thing.
I know that God didn't take you away from me. I know He didn't make you sick, and He didn't want for any of us to suffer. I know He has been merciful in this whole journey. He can't give me you back, but someday, He will take me to be with you and Him. Until then he has made my earthly relationships so much better. I feel so much closer to so many people. My "Fristas", brothers-in-law, friends, and aunts, uncles, and some cousins. People have been there for me in ways I never could have anticipated or imagined. I have never felt more loved by these people than I do now in my life. Losing you has made me realize just exactly how much I love and need these people in my life. I know they haven't changed, I have. There is a whole new place in my heart for love and understanding. I can't change the fact that I haven't always been there for other people when they really needed it, but now I get it. I don't think a person can truly understand what someone is going through unless they have experienced a traumatic and significant loss in their own lives. The people in my life that haven't ever lost someone they were close to, or gone through a life changing situation, have no idea how much I hurt and how much the human soul can endure. My co-workers are so wonderful. I am still amazed that when you died I had only known these people for 7 months and so many of them came to your visitation. I totally didn't expect it, but seeing them there meant so much to me. I know I have found my place as a teacher. I love them there at school, and don't want to be anywhere else. My girlfriends are amazing. I can call/text/email them when I'm hyper, happy, scared, or having a nervous breakdown. I know that they are just a text or phone call away. I would not be in the place I'm in today if not for them. I pray for blessings in their lives everyday.
I miss you Mamacita. I need to get ready for school tomorrow and get some lesson plans ready. Please visit me in my dreams mom. I need you....
Love and More Love,
Erika
Today was the second day of school. Yesterday I was a mess. I was so very anxious, nervous, excited, and sad all at once. I felt sick to my stomach all morning. I was anxious and nervous because I didn't know what to expect from these 5th graders. I wasn't sure I knew how to talk to them, what they would be like, and if they would like me too. I know that's insecure of me, but it is what it is. I was so sad because this is the first school year I have ever started without you. Since my first day of kindergarten through my first day of student teaching, you were there for me. You always had such complete faith and belief in me. You always thought I could do anything. You encouraged me and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You were always so interested in every detail of my and Sam's days at school. You loved the funny stories and when I would tell you frustrating stories of things that had happened during the day you would help me find the humor in it all. You were so insightful and I miss you so much. I wish you were here to decompress with. I want to go over everything with you. I feel like there is so much that you are missing, that you don't know. It scares me that you might not know what's going on in my life.
I am missing telling you my Monster Max stories. For example, tonight after dinner I started clearing the dishes from the table and Max ran and sat next to Sam on the big chair. We had a feeling he needed to use the potty but he didn't say anything so I walked over there and he had already started going pee and poop in his undies! So I ran him into the bathroom and had to dig a huge chunk of poop out of his undies using some toilet paper! I know if I would have called you, you would have burst out laughing and made me see the humor in it, and that would have made me love you and Max even more.
When I was missing you really bad on Tuesday morning, I told a friend of mine that I really needed you with me, and she said "she's in your heart and soul, and the only difference is this year she gets to be in your classroom with you!" That thought was so comforting! I don't know if you have been visiting me in my class, but everything has gone really well. I have been feeling happy at school these last two days and feeling like I may just have found my place. I wish I could look in your eyes as I tell you all this. I guess I will just have to hope you're in my classroom and in my heart. If I could ask one thing of you mom, it would be for you to look in on Sam during his days at school. I worry about him. I know he's trying so hard socially right now. I know it's so stressful for him. I hope you're there to lay your hand on his shoulder and guide him through all the social situations that he needs help with. He misses you so bad too mom. He talks about you all the time. He told me his wish for this school year was that you were still alive. I didn't even know what to say to that. I just tried not to cry.
I also just went to our first family get together without you there. The vibe was totally different without you there. When things got silly or exasperating, you weren't there to make eye contact with and laugh with. Missing you doesn't begin to cover how I feel about not having you here. It feels like the light in my life is now dim. There's still light, it's just not as bright. I'm not sure it ever will be as bright as when you were in my life.
There's so much pain and trouble in life right now. Adam is hurting both himself and Dayton so much. I know this can only end one way for him. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later. Dayton can't take it, and I can barely take the stress of dealing with the fallout. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not responsible for either one of their actions and can't control either one of them. I can't make either of them do the right thing.
I know that God didn't take you away from me. I know He didn't make you sick, and He didn't want for any of us to suffer. I know He has been merciful in this whole journey. He can't give me you back, but someday, He will take me to be with you and Him. Until then he has made my earthly relationships so much better. I feel so much closer to so many people. My "Fristas", brothers-in-law, friends, and aunts, uncles, and some cousins. People have been there for me in ways I never could have anticipated or imagined. I have never felt more loved by these people than I do now in my life. Losing you has made me realize just exactly how much I love and need these people in my life. I know they haven't changed, I have. There is a whole new place in my heart for love and understanding. I can't change the fact that I haven't always been there for other people when they really needed it, but now I get it. I don't think a person can truly understand what someone is going through unless they have experienced a traumatic and significant loss in their own lives. The people in my life that haven't ever lost someone they were close to, or gone through a life changing situation, have no idea how much I hurt and how much the human soul can endure. My co-workers are so wonderful. I am still amazed that when you died I had only known these people for 7 months and so many of them came to your visitation. I totally didn't expect it, but seeing them there meant so much to me. I know I have found my place as a teacher. I love them there at school, and don't want to be anywhere else. My girlfriends are amazing. I can call/text/email them when I'm hyper, happy, scared, or having a nervous breakdown. I know that they are just a text or phone call away. I would not be in the place I'm in today if not for them. I pray for blessings in their lives everyday.
I miss you Mamacita. I need to get ready for school tomorrow and get some lesson plans ready. Please visit me in my dreams mom. I need you....
Love and More Love,
Erika
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Blue
Dear Mamacita,
I'm feeling stressed and tired and lonely and anxious today. I had a couple of doctor appointments on Thursday to evaluate how I'm doing both physically and emotionally. The verdict? Well that depends on how you look at things. My primary care doctor increased my dosage of Celexa, for depression, from 40mg to 60mg and also increased my Xanax dosage because of my increased anxiety levels. My fingernail cuticles are a direct reflection of my anxiety and right now they are at an embarrassing level of torn up. Nothing feels right in my life right now.
I'm starting the bowling league tonight but it's hard to get excited about it because the fun that I should be having there feels fake. I have become good at faking fun. I love the people there that I'm bowling with, and I know they love me, but it's still hard. But what choices do I really have mom? I could stay home forever and cry and be sad and angry, or I can try. I can try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making the effort at participating in life.
If I could I would just run away. Everything is very overwhelming to me momma. I'm stressed to the max about potty training, getting ready to go back to school, money issues, anxiety, Adam, my dad, and dealing with fighting kids all the time. If I could I would run away to Grand Marais. I would go to the special place that Dave and I have, out on the huge flat rocks, where he surprised me with a special gift one time. I want to be there and just not see another person. I want to hear the waves crashing on the rocky shore and the seagulls calling from all around. I just want to be alone with my grief and try to figure things out, mom.
All of my heart longs to be with you. Would I find you there in my heart? When will God allow you to come to me, so I can feel your presence? I just need a sign that you're still aware that I am here where you are not, I need a sign that you understand my broken heart and are still here for me. Why haven't I been able to feel you yet momma? How long do I have to wait? It's been four months and all it's been is pain and more pain.
I sometimes wonder if my family and closest friends are tired of hearing about it, and just want me to "move on" or "get over it". I hope they don't feel that way, but I'm not sure. I try not to bring up you or my grief, but it takes up almost all of my heart and all of my brain. Your name is always on the tip of my tongue.
I am afraid a lot, mom. I'm afraid of so many things. I am scared that people will stop talking about you. I am afraid that we will forget the little things that make you, you. I am afraid that as time goes by, people just won't remember or care that I still hurt and this has been a life changing loss for me. I may look the same on the outside, but on the inside, I can never ever go back to who I was a year ago. That girl doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes I see flashes of her, but the new me is so different. I feel like I'm more cynical, irritable, short tempered, scared, and angry. I know I have to resist the urge to push people away. I know I shouldn't test people's love for me by trying to see if I can make them leave me. I wouldn't say that I'm used to the people I love leaving me, but I'm starting to expect it. I've even thought about who will probably be next to leave.
What is permanent in this world, mom? Nothing. I know God is the only constant, but I feel distant, even from Him. I know I could just ask Him in, and he is waiting for me to do just that, but there's so much anger and hurt, I'm not sure how. I'm tired momma. I'm emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually tired. Sometimes I feel like I've got nothing left. The demands keep piling up, but I've got nothing left to give. I wonder if my eyes look as hollow as I feel inside. I know you would be so sad to read this, to hear this, but I don't know how to make it better mom. I can't just make myself "be happy". "They" keep telling me it's just a process... that maybe after a year I will feel better. I hope so. My world hurts right now. I miss you more than I can express with words mom. I miss picking up the phone and telling you all my hurts and worries. Even if you couldn't fix them, I still felt loved and not alone after talking to you. There isn't a price tag I wouldn't pay to have an hour long convo with you again. ..
Waiting for your love,
Erika
I'm feeling stressed and tired and lonely and anxious today. I had a couple of doctor appointments on Thursday to evaluate how I'm doing both physically and emotionally. The verdict? Well that depends on how you look at things. My primary care doctor increased my dosage of Celexa, for depression, from 40mg to 60mg and also increased my Xanax dosage because of my increased anxiety levels. My fingernail cuticles are a direct reflection of my anxiety and right now they are at an embarrassing level of torn up. Nothing feels right in my life right now.
I'm starting the bowling league tonight but it's hard to get excited about it because the fun that I should be having there feels fake. I have become good at faking fun. I love the people there that I'm bowling with, and I know they love me, but it's still hard. But what choices do I really have mom? I could stay home forever and cry and be sad and angry, or I can try. I can try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making the effort at participating in life.
If I could I would just run away. Everything is very overwhelming to me momma. I'm stressed to the max about potty training, getting ready to go back to school, money issues, anxiety, Adam, my dad, and dealing with fighting kids all the time. If I could I would run away to Grand Marais. I would go to the special place that Dave and I have, out on the huge flat rocks, where he surprised me with a special gift one time. I want to be there and just not see another person. I want to hear the waves crashing on the rocky shore and the seagulls calling from all around. I just want to be alone with my grief and try to figure things out, mom.
All of my heart longs to be with you. Would I find you there in my heart? When will God allow you to come to me, so I can feel your presence? I just need a sign that you're still aware that I am here where you are not, I need a sign that you understand my broken heart and are still here for me. Why haven't I been able to feel you yet momma? How long do I have to wait? It's been four months and all it's been is pain and more pain.
I sometimes wonder if my family and closest friends are tired of hearing about it, and just want me to "move on" or "get over it". I hope they don't feel that way, but I'm not sure. I try not to bring up you or my grief, but it takes up almost all of my heart and all of my brain. Your name is always on the tip of my tongue.
I am afraid a lot, mom. I'm afraid of so many things. I am scared that people will stop talking about you. I am afraid that we will forget the little things that make you, you. I am afraid that as time goes by, people just won't remember or care that I still hurt and this has been a life changing loss for me. I may look the same on the outside, but on the inside, I can never ever go back to who I was a year ago. That girl doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes I see flashes of her, but the new me is so different. I feel like I'm more cynical, irritable, short tempered, scared, and angry. I know I have to resist the urge to push people away. I know I shouldn't test people's love for me by trying to see if I can make them leave me. I wouldn't say that I'm used to the people I love leaving me, but I'm starting to expect it. I've even thought about who will probably be next to leave.
What is permanent in this world, mom? Nothing. I know God is the only constant, but I feel distant, even from Him. I know I could just ask Him in, and he is waiting for me to do just that, but there's so much anger and hurt, I'm not sure how. I'm tired momma. I'm emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually tired. Sometimes I feel like I've got nothing left. The demands keep piling up, but I've got nothing left to give. I wonder if my eyes look as hollow as I feel inside. I know you would be so sad to read this, to hear this, but I don't know how to make it better mom. I can't just make myself "be happy". "They" keep telling me it's just a process... that maybe after a year I will feel better. I hope so. My world hurts right now. I miss you more than I can express with words mom. I miss picking up the phone and telling you all my hurts and worries. Even if you couldn't fix them, I still felt loved and not alone after talking to you. There isn't a price tag I wouldn't pay to have an hour long convo with you again. ..
Waiting for your love,
Erika
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Happy Hour
Dear Mamacita,
Today was a very trying day. Potty training isn't going well. Monster Max is very stubborn and I am impatient. Bad combination! I went through two pairs of pants, four pairs of socks, 3 pairs of Max's socks, and five pairs of Max's undies. After so many frustrating hours of potty training I decided to go with Plan B. Plan B involves Xanax and using pull-ups until he figures out how to do this whole potty training thing. And the ironic thing is that once I decided that, I took a half of a Xanax and put Max on the potty chair before his nap. He took a huge poopie and was so excited about it that he stood up while he was still peeing and peed in a circle while exclaiming "Mom! Look at my huge poop!!" over and over! I laughed so hard. Then of course I took a pic of it on my camera phone and sent it to Dave! I would have loved to see his face when he downloaded the pic and realized I sent him a pic of a turd! *laughing* Then a little while later I put him on the potty again and peed a ton! It's 7:42 p.m. and he hasn't had another accident yet. Maybe it's the pull-ups, or maybe it's because I'm relaxed since I had decided to hand Max over to his daycare lady and tell her I failed and it's up to her to teach my son to use the potty, but for whatever reason, we've had 4 successes this afternoon and evening.
So I was stressed and sad by the time Dave got home this evening, but then the kiddos wanted to get out and play, so we sent them outside and then sat on the deck watching them while having a drink and listening to some relaxing music (Guggenheim Grotto, but that probably doesn't mean anything to you). We were able to have some nice adult conversation and just relax while the kids pretended to shoot the bad guys all over the yard! Then we grilled some chicken and sat on the deck and ate dinner. It was a perfect evening, mom. One that I know you would have loved to join us for. I pictured you sitting on the deck with us drinking a nice glass of Merlot and smiling as you listened to the kids chatter and the gentle banter between me and Dave. I have so many memories of this very thing with you.
I wish you could tell me what you are doing now in Heaven. What is it like to wake up at the feet of Jesus, or to be held in God's arms? What is the most beautiful sound there? Is it the sound of angel wings, or the angels singing, or the voice of God saying your name? I still don't understand how you can be experiencing all those things in Heaven and still know what's going on with us down here on Earth. I know someday I will know what it's like to touch the face of Jesus and be completely healed in both body and soul.
I got the final proof of your headstone that I designed today. I think it's beautiful, in the most sad, empty way it can be. if someone would have told me five months ago that today I would be calmly talking about your headstone, I would have lost all my composure. I am anxious to have it there on your grave. I want the world to know who rests there, and that you were so very loved.
Last Saturday Dave and I stopped out at your grave to talk to you after we had spent a really nice few hours with Dayton. I wanted to talk directly to you, so we sat on the ground and I began telling you about how everyone was doing, and the flood gates opened, so to speak. Dayton is doing well mom. He looks the best I have seen him look in months and months. He's gained some weight and his eyes look like he's sleeping again, in his own bed. The house was looking really good. And mom, Dayton is happy again... or at least, not so sad. He has a new friend named Joann and I think she is really good for him. He has someone to have coffee with, take out to dinner and just be with. He was so worried that I would be upset or feel like he was betraying your memory or love or something, but I put his mind at ease right away. I told him I was glad he found someone to spend time with, someone he really likes. I told him that you would just want him to be happy and not hurt so much. I know that's all you want for all of us. In some ways, I'm kind of jealous of Dayton. He has found a way to start moving on past his grief, and I really haven't yet. I know there's no timeline for grief, it's just a journey we must make by ourselves. Dayton was worried that people would think it was too soon for him to be going out with someone but I say screw them if they can't see that he's lonely and needs to have someone to be close to. I met Joann and she's really nice mom. You would approve and like her. She has three daughters of her own and lots of grandkids. I know you would never deny any of us anything or anyone that could comfort us. It felt really good to hang out with Dayton, mom. He was as relaxed as I've ever seen him and happy to be with us too. We had drinks outside at the patio table and he grilled country style ribs! They were delicious. He even had drinks ready for us when we got there. All of his effort and caring made me love him even more.
I miss you so much mom. I hung up the beautiful glass ornament I gave you for your birthday a few years ago, in my living room window. I'm going to put seasonal ribbons on it just like you did, and every time I see it, I will know you are with me. I love you so very very much mamacita. I'll write again soon.
All my Love and Hugs,
Erika
Today was a very trying day. Potty training isn't going well. Monster Max is very stubborn and I am impatient. Bad combination! I went through two pairs of pants, four pairs of socks, 3 pairs of Max's socks, and five pairs of Max's undies. After so many frustrating hours of potty training I decided to go with Plan B. Plan B involves Xanax and using pull-ups until he figures out how to do this whole potty training thing. And the ironic thing is that once I decided that, I took a half of a Xanax and put Max on the potty chair before his nap. He took a huge poopie and was so excited about it that he stood up while he was still peeing and peed in a circle while exclaiming "Mom! Look at my huge poop!!" over and over! I laughed so hard. Then of course I took a pic of it on my camera phone and sent it to Dave! I would have loved to see his face when he downloaded the pic and realized I sent him a pic of a turd! *laughing* Then a little while later I put him on the potty again and peed a ton! It's 7:42 p.m. and he hasn't had another accident yet. Maybe it's the pull-ups, or maybe it's because I'm relaxed since I had decided to hand Max over to his daycare lady and tell her I failed and it's up to her to teach my son to use the potty, but for whatever reason, we've had 4 successes this afternoon and evening.
So I was stressed and sad by the time Dave got home this evening, but then the kiddos wanted to get out and play, so we sent them outside and then sat on the deck watching them while having a drink and listening to some relaxing music (Guggenheim Grotto, but that probably doesn't mean anything to you). We were able to have some nice adult conversation and just relax while the kids pretended to shoot the bad guys all over the yard! Then we grilled some chicken and sat on the deck and ate dinner. It was a perfect evening, mom. One that I know you would have loved to join us for. I pictured you sitting on the deck with us drinking a nice glass of Merlot and smiling as you listened to the kids chatter and the gentle banter between me and Dave. I have so many memories of this very thing with you.
I wish you could tell me what you are doing now in Heaven. What is it like to wake up at the feet of Jesus, or to be held in God's arms? What is the most beautiful sound there? Is it the sound of angel wings, or the angels singing, or the voice of God saying your name? I still don't understand how you can be experiencing all those things in Heaven and still know what's going on with us down here on Earth. I know someday I will know what it's like to touch the face of Jesus and be completely healed in both body and soul.
I got the final proof of your headstone that I designed today. I think it's beautiful, in the most sad, empty way it can be. if someone would have told me five months ago that today I would be calmly talking about your headstone, I would have lost all my composure. I am anxious to have it there on your grave. I want the world to know who rests there, and that you were so very loved.
Last Saturday Dave and I stopped out at your grave to talk to you after we had spent a really nice few hours with Dayton. I wanted to talk directly to you, so we sat on the ground and I began telling you about how everyone was doing, and the flood gates opened, so to speak. Dayton is doing well mom. He looks the best I have seen him look in months and months. He's gained some weight and his eyes look like he's sleeping again, in his own bed. The house was looking really good. And mom, Dayton is happy again... or at least, not so sad. He has a new friend named Joann and I think she is really good for him. He has someone to have coffee with, take out to dinner and just be with. He was so worried that I would be upset or feel like he was betraying your memory or love or something, but I put his mind at ease right away. I told him I was glad he found someone to spend time with, someone he really likes. I told him that you would just want him to be happy and not hurt so much. I know that's all you want for all of us. In some ways, I'm kind of jealous of Dayton. He has found a way to start moving on past his grief, and I really haven't yet. I know there's no timeline for grief, it's just a journey we must make by ourselves. Dayton was worried that people would think it was too soon for him to be going out with someone but I say screw them if they can't see that he's lonely and needs to have someone to be close to. I met Joann and she's really nice mom. You would approve and like her. She has three daughters of her own and lots of grandkids. I know you would never deny any of us anything or anyone that could comfort us. It felt really good to hang out with Dayton, mom. He was as relaxed as I've ever seen him and happy to be with us too. We had drinks outside at the patio table and he grilled country style ribs! They were delicious. He even had drinks ready for us when we got there. All of his effort and caring made me love him even more.
I miss you so much mom. I hung up the beautiful glass ornament I gave you for your birthday a few years ago, in my living room window. I'm going to put seasonal ribbons on it just like you did, and every time I see it, I will know you are with me. I love you so very very much mamacita. I'll write again soon.
All my Love and Hugs,
Erika
Monday, August 23, 2010
Promises
Dear Mamacita,
Some of my loved ones have reminded me of the many things you and I have promised each other over the last year or so. I've been thinking about our last semi-annual girls weekend we took together back in October. We were at a crossroads in our lives. We had just found out what your official diagnosis was and were made aware of the three treatment options you had. We needed to get away and spend time with just each other to laugh, talk, cry, get hour long side by side massages, dinner at the Winds steakhouse at Grand Casino, and then drinks and more talk sitting at the lounge. After the first couple of drinks we started talking about what would happen if you didn't survive. Neither of us wanted to go down that road, but I knew that there were things we needed to talk about while we still could. I didn't know how sick you would get or when we would get time alone like that to talk again. The first thing you said, was "if I die, I want your promise that you won't be sad forever." I couldn't hold back the tears after that request, so I cried and said I promise I won't be sad forever. Then you said "You can't be sad forever because you have to take care of my babies!" We talked about your funeral wishes, who you wanted to be involved in your funeral, the music, the flowers..it was all too much. That was when my heart started to shatter. The thing that I feared the most was becoming a real possibility. You also made me promise that if I received any life insurance money I would use it to the best of my ability to make my life better, however that would mean. You said "Use every penny as wisely as you can to help yourself!" Well Mom, what actually happened with that money wasn't what helped my life, but was none the less the right thing to do. I believe that when you put good out in the universe it comes back to you. I know I did the right thing with the money. I'd do it again if I had to, but your words have often come to my mind, wondering if you would have made the same choice for me that I made.
I'm feeling over-tired, emotionally depleted, and really sad right now. It's just been a long day. It's Max's 3rd birthday. Yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it would until after everyone left. As soon as Dave took Max downstairs to bed, Sam came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and said "It just doesn't feel right that Nana wasn't here. She comes to all our parties!" So I held him and let him get some sadness out. We also started potty training today. I wish you were here for morale support. I want so badly to call you so you can hear Max's sweet voice as he says "I did it!!" The really sad part for me, is that this is only the first of a lifetime of milestones that you won't be here for.
Goodnight Mamacita.. I hope that I get to see you in my dreams.
All my love,
Erika
Some of my loved ones have reminded me of the many things you and I have promised each other over the last year or so. I've been thinking about our last semi-annual girls weekend we took together back in October. We were at a crossroads in our lives. We had just found out what your official diagnosis was and were made aware of the three treatment options you had. We needed to get away and spend time with just each other to laugh, talk, cry, get hour long side by side massages, dinner at the Winds steakhouse at Grand Casino, and then drinks and more talk sitting at the lounge. After the first couple of drinks we started talking about what would happen if you didn't survive. Neither of us wanted to go down that road, but I knew that there were things we needed to talk about while we still could. I didn't know how sick you would get or when we would get time alone like that to talk again. The first thing you said, was "if I die, I want your promise that you won't be sad forever." I couldn't hold back the tears after that request, so I cried and said I promise I won't be sad forever. Then you said "You can't be sad forever because you have to take care of my babies!" We talked about your funeral wishes, who you wanted to be involved in your funeral, the music, the flowers..it was all too much. That was when my heart started to shatter. The thing that I feared the most was becoming a real possibility. You also made me promise that if I received any life insurance money I would use it to the best of my ability to make my life better, however that would mean. You said "Use every penny as wisely as you can to help yourself!" Well Mom, what actually happened with that money wasn't what helped my life, but was none the less the right thing to do. I believe that when you put good out in the universe it comes back to you. I know I did the right thing with the money. I'd do it again if I had to, but your words have often come to my mind, wondering if you would have made the same choice for me that I made.
I'm feeling over-tired, emotionally depleted, and really sad right now. It's just been a long day. It's Max's 3rd birthday. Yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it would until after everyone left. As soon as Dave took Max downstairs to bed, Sam came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and said "It just doesn't feel right that Nana wasn't here. She comes to all our parties!" So I held him and let him get some sadness out. We also started potty training today. I wish you were here for morale support. I want so badly to call you so you can hear Max's sweet voice as he says "I did it!!" The really sad part for me, is that this is only the first of a lifetime of milestones that you won't be here for.
Goodnight Mamacita.. I hope that I get to see you in my dreams.
All my love,
Erika
Old Friends
Dear Mamacita,
Kim has been blogging some of her adventures in life and recently shared the following entry. It really made a difference in my heart so I wanted to let you know what she said. She is very intuitive and has always been able to read me well! I miss her and wish we could go back to being 14 and freshmen again. Life was so much simpler then. I feel so much older than my almost 35 years. So much has happened since I was 14...so much pain, and yes, so much joy. I thought you'd like to see this mom, so here's a partial entry from her blog:
"And finally, my old friend - who is also my cousin - is on my mind and in my heart a lot these days. Her mom died a few months ago, and Erika has taken it hard. Understandably so, as they were very close. I think Erika often felt like her mom was the only constant in her life, and that losing her meant losing place in the world. I'm not going to begin to go into all the challenges Erika and her mom have faced over the years, suffice it to say that the simple fact that Erika is a loving wife and mother, a talented teacher, and a great friend speaks volumes to her strength - both strength of character and spiritual strength. What would have crushed a lesser person has made Erika more beautiful. And while she is having problems seeing that right now, I know that Linda is with her in spirit, reminding her that it is ok to enjoy life, to laugh, to love, and to carry on. I know Linda would have wanted Erika to go on living and embracing all it offers. But I also know that she isn't quite ready to make that step yet. So I am asking everyone to send your prayers, thoughts, karma, or whatever spiritual things you do, to Erika. Give her your healing vibes, help her know that moving on doesn't mean forgetting, and that her mom is still with her - in herself and in her 2 beautiful children. Maybe if enough of us send her good thoughts, she can start to heal. It doesn't matter if you know her or not, send it anyway. Everything helps!"
Kim has been blogging some of her adventures in life and recently shared the following entry. It really made a difference in my heart so I wanted to let you know what she said. She is very intuitive and has always been able to read me well! I miss her and wish we could go back to being 14 and freshmen again. Life was so much simpler then. I feel so much older than my almost 35 years. So much has happened since I was 14...so much pain, and yes, so much joy. I thought you'd like to see this mom, so here's a partial entry from her blog:
"And finally, my old friend - who is also my cousin - is on my mind and in my heart a lot these days. Her mom died a few months ago, and Erika has taken it hard. Understandably so, as they were very close. I think Erika often felt like her mom was the only constant in her life, and that losing her meant losing place in the world. I'm not going to begin to go into all the challenges Erika and her mom have faced over the years, suffice it to say that the simple fact that Erika is a loving wife and mother, a talented teacher, and a great friend speaks volumes to her strength - both strength of character and spiritual strength. What would have crushed a lesser person has made Erika more beautiful. And while she is having problems seeing that right now, I know that Linda is with her in spirit, reminding her that it is ok to enjoy life, to laugh, to love, and to carry on. I know Linda would have wanted Erika to go on living and embracing all it offers. But I also know that she isn't quite ready to make that step yet. So I am asking everyone to send your prayers, thoughts, karma, or whatever spiritual things you do, to Erika. Give her your healing vibes, help her know that moving on doesn't mean forgetting, and that her mom is still with her - in herself and in her 2 beautiful children. Maybe if enough of us send her good thoughts, she can start to heal. It doesn't matter if you know her or not, send it anyway. Everything helps!"
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Difficult Conversations
Dear Mamacita,
I need you with me today. I'm so stressed and anxious about what's going to go down today. Dave and I are going to your house to meet with Dayton to talk about a lot of things that need to get talked about. The most important thing we need to talk about is your headstone. He was avoiding the topic every time I brought it up. I know it's painful, but I need to have it there at your grave. You deserve to have something beautiful there for people to recognize the life you lived and that you were so very loved. I made two different options mom. I made a single marker that is just for you, and I made a double that is for you and Dayton. Both are beautiful options I think. I'm hoping he will pick one and then we can agree on how to pay for it.
The next thing we need to talk about is Adam. Or rather how to deal with his situation. Dave and I think that Dayton just needs repeated permission to do the right thing. Adam is using Dayton's love for you to take advantage of him. He is bleeding him dry and stealing from him. Dave and I are going to tell him that you wouldn't accept that behavior from him and would involve the authorities. It's a hard line to take but enough is enough! I'm not sad for what's going to happen to Adam... just angry and hurt. I guess maybe I am sad.. sad for him that he has never been able to process any of the pain in his life, and has chosen to smother the pain with drugs. He knows that so many people love him, but that doesn't matter to him momma. He still continues to abuse his body and soul. He still continues to hurt everyone who loves him. He has made people afraid of him. I am afraid to be alone with him. I am afraid of his temper and violent mood swings. I know that he could hurt me physically and not even remember it when his high wears off.
When you were in the hospital after we found out that your cancer was terminal you were asking and asking where Adam was. He hadn't come to see you even once and in your heart you knew something was wrong. You asked me on the phone if he was in jail. I told you honestly that I didn't know but I felt things were headed that way. You cried and told me that I needed to remember that Adam is always forgiven. I have so much anger directed at him I'm not sure what forgiveness looks like in this situation. One definition of forgiveness that I can work with is "Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt someone just because they hurt me." I don't want to hurt him. But the hurts that he has done to me and you just keep adding up. I am angry with him for so many things. Where was he when you were in the hospital and staying with me for 6 months? He has ruined so many important moments of my life. He has always been a bruise on my heart. The previous 2 years before last October were the best two years we have had a family. He was clean and sober and working and taking care of his sweet little girl financially. Then as soon as you got sick(er) and had to move in with me, he went right back to what he used to do. I know that one day Adam and I will be able to address all the issues that stand in the way of our love for each other. I don't know when. Can I tell you what the secret fear in my heart is mamacita? I know he's going to die. I know it won't be long. You can't be an addict and live a long life. How will I deal with that mom? Everyone who isn't supposed to leave me has. My dad left me when I was five, my step-dad, whom I considered my dad left me at a crucial point in my life and hurt us for so long, you left me, and I know Adam is going to leave me too. Then I will be the only one from our family left. What the hell?!?! Sweet Jenny left us too early, funny, beautiful Aunt Kay left us too early, and then you! Sometimes mom all I want to do is scream profanity and break some glass to hear it shatter into a million pieces just like my heart! How can I deal mom? When does the pain end?
I also found out that my dad has had a series of small strokes. That terrifies me too mom. We have had a great relationship in the last 8 years. I don't think I can take losing him again.
I miss you so much momma. I need you here to talk to me. Tell me that I'm not alone in dealing with Adam and alone in dealing with this vast ocean of pain. I need you so much that sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I can't touch you and hear your voice again. I know where you are, and I know that I'm going there too someday, and that I will spend eternity with you, so really 50 years is only a blink of the eye in comparison to how long we will be together, but for right now, it may as well be 500 years. I ask you again Mamacita, please come visit me in my dreams or when I'm awake. Let me feel your presence and love. Help me mom.
A good friend of mine told me that I won't find you in Wisconsin Dells, in my kitchen, or in Hawaii. I will find you in my soul. She told me that I have been holding onto you so tightly, and maybe by letting go, I would feel some peace. She's right mom. I have been holding on so tightly. I am terrified of letting go of you and this painful experience. I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side of this pain. What if there's nothing? What if it's worse? What if I don't remember everything we've been through? I'm a mess mom. I still cry everyday from missing you, I think I may need a higher dosage of my depression meds, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist who specializes in grief and eating disorders. I'm really trying to take care of myself mom.
Here's the other thing that's on my heart. Maxwell's 3rd birthday party is on Sunday. It seems like an outrage to celebrate with you. I know if you were here you would tell me of course, without a doubt I should have the party to celebrate your baby! It all just feels fake to me. I don't feel like celebrating anything. I just want you to be here, or for me to be where you are.
I love you mamacita. More than life. Our hearts are forever connected, and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. Please be with me today mom. I need you.
All my love,
Erika
I need you with me today. I'm so stressed and anxious about what's going to go down today. Dave and I are going to your house to meet with Dayton to talk about a lot of things that need to get talked about. The most important thing we need to talk about is your headstone. He was avoiding the topic every time I brought it up. I know it's painful, but I need to have it there at your grave. You deserve to have something beautiful there for people to recognize the life you lived and that you were so very loved. I made two different options mom. I made a single marker that is just for you, and I made a double that is for you and Dayton. Both are beautiful options I think. I'm hoping he will pick one and then we can agree on how to pay for it.
The next thing we need to talk about is Adam. Or rather how to deal with his situation. Dave and I think that Dayton just needs repeated permission to do the right thing. Adam is using Dayton's love for you to take advantage of him. He is bleeding him dry and stealing from him. Dave and I are going to tell him that you wouldn't accept that behavior from him and would involve the authorities. It's a hard line to take but enough is enough! I'm not sad for what's going to happen to Adam... just angry and hurt. I guess maybe I am sad.. sad for him that he has never been able to process any of the pain in his life, and has chosen to smother the pain with drugs. He knows that so many people love him, but that doesn't matter to him momma. He still continues to abuse his body and soul. He still continues to hurt everyone who loves him. He has made people afraid of him. I am afraid to be alone with him. I am afraid of his temper and violent mood swings. I know that he could hurt me physically and not even remember it when his high wears off.
When you were in the hospital after we found out that your cancer was terminal you were asking and asking where Adam was. He hadn't come to see you even once and in your heart you knew something was wrong. You asked me on the phone if he was in jail. I told you honestly that I didn't know but I felt things were headed that way. You cried and told me that I needed to remember that Adam is always forgiven. I have so much anger directed at him I'm not sure what forgiveness looks like in this situation. One definition of forgiveness that I can work with is "Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt someone just because they hurt me." I don't want to hurt him. But the hurts that he has done to me and you just keep adding up. I am angry with him for so many things. Where was he when you were in the hospital and staying with me for 6 months? He has ruined so many important moments of my life. He has always been a bruise on my heart. The previous 2 years before last October were the best two years we have had a family. He was clean and sober and working and taking care of his sweet little girl financially. Then as soon as you got sick(er) and had to move in with me, he went right back to what he used to do. I know that one day Adam and I will be able to address all the issues that stand in the way of our love for each other. I don't know when. Can I tell you what the secret fear in my heart is mamacita? I know he's going to die. I know it won't be long. You can't be an addict and live a long life. How will I deal with that mom? Everyone who isn't supposed to leave me has. My dad left me when I was five, my step-dad, whom I considered my dad left me at a crucial point in my life and hurt us for so long, you left me, and I know Adam is going to leave me too. Then I will be the only one from our family left. What the hell?!?! Sweet Jenny left us too early, funny, beautiful Aunt Kay left us too early, and then you! Sometimes mom all I want to do is scream profanity and break some glass to hear it shatter into a million pieces just like my heart! How can I deal mom? When does the pain end?
I also found out that my dad has had a series of small strokes. That terrifies me too mom. We have had a great relationship in the last 8 years. I don't think I can take losing him again.
I miss you so much momma. I need you here to talk to me. Tell me that I'm not alone in dealing with Adam and alone in dealing with this vast ocean of pain. I need you so much that sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I can't touch you and hear your voice again. I know where you are, and I know that I'm going there too someday, and that I will spend eternity with you, so really 50 years is only a blink of the eye in comparison to how long we will be together, but for right now, it may as well be 500 years. I ask you again Mamacita, please come visit me in my dreams or when I'm awake. Let me feel your presence and love. Help me mom.
A good friend of mine told me that I won't find you in Wisconsin Dells, in my kitchen, or in Hawaii. I will find you in my soul. She told me that I have been holding onto you so tightly, and maybe by letting go, I would feel some peace. She's right mom. I have been holding on so tightly. I am terrified of letting go of you and this painful experience. I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side of this pain. What if there's nothing? What if it's worse? What if I don't remember everything we've been through? I'm a mess mom. I still cry everyday from missing you, I think I may need a higher dosage of my depression meds, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist who specializes in grief and eating disorders. I'm really trying to take care of myself mom.
Here's the other thing that's on my heart. Maxwell's 3rd birthday party is on Sunday. It seems like an outrage to celebrate with you. I know if you were here you would tell me of course, without a doubt I should have the party to celebrate your baby! It all just feels fake to me. I don't feel like celebrating anything. I just want you to be here, or for me to be where you are.
I love you mamacita. More than life. Our hearts are forever connected, and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. Please be with me today mom. I need you.
All my love,
Erika
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