Happy Hour

Dear Mamacita,

Today was a very trying day. Potty training isn't going well. Monster Max is very stubborn and I am impatient. Bad combination! I went through two pairs of pants, four pairs of socks, 3 pairs of Max's socks, and five pairs of Max's undies. After so many frustrating hours of potty training I decided to go with Plan B. Plan B involves Xanax and using pull-ups until he figures out how to do this whole potty training thing. And the ironic thing is that once I decided that, I took a half of a Xanax and put Max on the potty chair before his nap. He took a huge poopie and was so excited about it that he stood up while he was still peeing and peed in a circle while exclaiming "Mom! Look at my huge poop!!" over and over! I laughed so hard. Then of course I took a pic of it on my camera phone and sent it to Dave! I would have loved to see his face when he downloaded the pic and realized I sent him a pic of a turd! *laughing* Then a little while later I put him on the potty again and peed a ton! It's 7:42 p.m. and he hasn't had another accident yet. Maybe it's the pull-ups, or maybe it's because I'm relaxed since I had decided to hand Max over to his daycare lady and tell her I failed and it's up to her to teach my son to use the potty, but for whatever reason, we've had 4 successes this afternoon and evening.

So I was stressed and sad by the time Dave got home this evening, but then the kiddos wanted to get out and play, so we sent them outside and then sat on the deck watching them while having a drink and listening to some relaxing music (Guggenheim Grotto, but that probably doesn't mean anything to you). We were able to have some nice adult conversation and just relax while the kids pretended to shoot the bad guys all over the yard! Then we grilled some chicken and sat on the deck and ate dinner. It was a perfect evening, mom. One that I know you would have loved to join us for. I pictured you sitting on the deck with us drinking a nice glass of Merlot and smiling as you listened to the kids chatter and the gentle banter between me and Dave. I have so many memories of this very thing with you.

I wish you could tell me what you are doing now in Heaven. What is it like to wake up at the feet of Jesus, or to be held in God's arms? What is the most beautiful sound there? Is it the sound of angel wings, or the angels singing, or the voice of God saying your name? I still don't understand how you can be experiencing all those things in Heaven and still know what's going on with us down here on Earth. I know someday I will know what it's like to touch the face of Jesus and be completely healed in both body and soul.

I got the final proof of your headstone that I designed today. I think it's beautiful, in the most sad, empty way it can be. if someone would have told me five months ago that today I would be calmly talking about your headstone, I would have lost all my composure. I am anxious to have it there on your grave. I want the world to know who rests there, and that you were so very loved.

Last Saturday Dave and I stopped out at your grave to talk to you after we had spent a really nice few hours with Dayton. I wanted to talk directly to you, so we sat on the ground and I began telling you about how everyone was doing, and the flood gates opened, so to speak. Dayton is doing well mom. He looks the best I have seen him look in months and months. He's gained some weight and his eyes look like he's sleeping again, in his own bed. The house was looking really good. And mom, Dayton is happy again... or at least, not so sad. He has a new friend named Joann and I think she is really good for him. He has someone to have coffee with, take out to dinner and just be with. He was so worried that I would be upset or feel like he was betraying your memory or love or something, but I put his mind at ease right away. I told him I was glad he found someone to spend time with, someone he really likes. I told him that you would just want him to be happy and not hurt so much. I know that's all you want for all of us. In some ways, I'm kind of jealous of Dayton. He has found a way to start moving on past his grief, and I really haven't yet. I know there's no timeline for grief, it's just a journey we must make by ourselves. Dayton was worried that people would think it was too soon for him to be going out with someone but I say screw them if they can't see that he's lonely and needs to have someone to be close to. I met Joann and she's really nice mom. You would approve and like her. She has three daughters of her own and lots of grandkids. I know you would never deny any of us anything or anyone that could comfort us. It felt really good to hang out with Dayton, mom. He was as relaxed as I've ever seen him and happy to be with us too. We had drinks outside at the patio table and he grilled country style ribs! They were delicious. He even had drinks ready for us when we got there. All of his effort and caring made me love him even more.

I miss you so much mom. I hung up the beautiful glass ornament I gave you for your birthday a few years ago, in my living room window. I'm going to put seasonal ribbons on it just like you did, and every time I see it, I will know you are with me. I love you so very very much mamacita. I'll write again soon.

All my Love and Hugs,
Erika