5 months

Dear Mamacita,

It's been 5 months, mom. You have been free for 5 months now. Free from pain, procedures, doctors, humiliation and fear. And I know that you are in an amazing place now mom. You are young, beautiful, perfectly healthy, and completely happy in the arms of God. For that, I am grateful. However, these have been the worst 5 months of my entire life. I miss our relationship so incredibly much! There are still a billion times a day I want to call you, text you, or see you just to tell you something or hear the love in your voice when you say "Hi Sweetie" when you answer the phone. Sometimes I think I could cry for days without stopping. There are times that I just want to be alone for a week, a month...just to be alone with my grief. I want to escape from all the other demands in my life and be able to concentrate just on my heart. Maybe I'm just fooling myself or wishing too hard, but sometimes I think that if I could just be alone, sitting on the flat rocks in Grand Marais, with nothing and no one around me that I could sense you and communicate with you somehow. Do you think God would allow that mom? When do I get to see you again? When will my heart start to heal?

Someone I trust confided in me that when she was going through a very difficult time in her life, she also had trouble feeling God. She said her faith had become "just" an intellectual thing, rather than an emotional connection to God. She said that just believing that God is there and is somehow taking care of everything counts as faith. She talked about how the fear felt cold to her. And that somehow with time she slowly began to trust life again. To trust God again. She was able to verbalize what I have been feeling. I don't trust that life won't keep taking things, taking people from me. Maybe instead of the word Life, the name God could be exchanged. Maybe I don't trust God with my whole heart right now. How do I learn to trust again? I know He is with me, and is taking care of me and was merciful with us during this whole experience, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's going to be next? Who will leave me next? You and Dave were the closest people to me in my whole world. You two were the the most significant people in my life, and now half of you are gone. Dave is all I have left. I am so lucky to have him. My world would be shattered if he wasn't in my life..

I would never abandon my God, my faith.. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take. I know our fragile human hearts can withstand amazing amounts of pain. I know I need to lay my hurt and anger, loneliness and sadness at Jesus' feet and ask Him to take it all away. Do you think God is listening mom? Do you think He has time for my insignificant little broken heart? In the scope of the world's problems, where does my broken heart rank in God's "To Do" list?

I keep telling myself that I'm going to write you a positive letter, that you're probably tired of just hearing about all the pain.. But then one of my best friends told me I didn't have to do that, and gave me permission to spew my pain, loneliness and anger in these letters to you.

I miss you mom. I'm 5 months closer to seeing you again. I know you're right around the corner, just waiting for me. Do you miss me there, or is that not even possible where you are? Do you feel me? Do you see me and my boys? So many questions..and after 5 months, I'm still not any closer to answering them.

Good night mom. Tomorrow is a new day...

All My Love,
Erika