Promises

Dear Mamacita,

Some of my loved ones have reminded me of the many things you and I have promised each other over the last year or so. I've been thinking about our last semi-annual girls weekend we took together back in October. We were at a crossroads in our lives. We had just found out what your official diagnosis was and were made aware of the three treatment options you had. We needed to get away and spend time with just each other to laugh, talk, cry, get hour long side by side massages, dinner at the Winds steakhouse at Grand Casino, and then drinks and more talk sitting at the lounge. After the first couple of drinks we started talking about what would happen if you didn't survive. Neither of us wanted to go down that road, but I knew that there were things we needed to talk about while we still could. I didn't know how sick you would get or when we would get time alone like that to talk again. The first thing you said, was "if I die, I want your promise that you won't be sad forever." I couldn't hold back the tears after that request, so I cried and said I promise I won't be sad forever. Then you said "You can't be sad forever because you have to take care of my babies!" We talked about your funeral wishes, who you wanted to be involved in your funeral, the music, the flowers..it was all too much. That was when my heart started to shatter. The thing that I feared the most was becoming a real possibility. You also made me promise that if I received any life insurance money I would use it to the best of my ability to make my life better, however that would mean. You said "Use every penny as wisely as you can to help yourself!" Well Mom, what actually happened with that money wasn't what helped my life, but was none the less the right thing to do. I believe that when you put good out in the universe it comes back to you. I know I did the right thing with the money. I'd do it again if I had to, but your words have often come to my mind, wondering if you would have made the same choice for me that I made.

I'm feeling over-tired, emotionally depleted, and really sad right now. It's just been a long day. It's Max's 3rd birthday. Yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it would until after everyone left. As soon as Dave took Max downstairs to bed, Sam came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and said "It just doesn't feel right that Nana wasn't here. She comes to all our parties!" So I held him and let him get some sadness out. We also started potty training today. I wish you were here for morale support. I want so badly to call you so you can hear Max's sweet voice as he says "I did it!!" The really sad part for me, is that this is only the first of a lifetime of milestones that you won't be here for.

Goodnight Mamacita.. I hope that I get to see you in my dreams.
All my love,
Erika