Dear Mamacita,
I know it's been a long time since I've written to you. So much has happened. Where to even begin? Guess I can start on my birthday. When we were cleaning the basement a few weeks ago I found several cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college, to cheer me up and encourage me. I put them in my planner and didn't look at them until my birthday. Dave took Sam to school and Max to daycare that morning, and I was alone in the house for a little while. I read them and the storm of sadness began, tears, anger that you aren't here for my 35th birthday, the physical ache in my chest of missing you, and the longing to be with you were just overwhelming. So I let the storm rage for a while and felt a little better when it had passed. Dave and I drove down to Stillwater for the day. We walked around and shopped a little and had lunch together. Came home to a nice quiet house and enjoyed the stillness and peace. I didn't want to have my birthday mom. Not without you here. You knew how much my birthday always meant to me, that it was my favorite "holiday". You knew why it was important to me. It just didn't feel right without you here...I also don't want to get older without you here.
You were such a huge part of my life, so integrated into the daily fabric, that to have you ripped out of my life is painful beyond belief. There are a thousand times a day I need to talk to you. I still can't bear to delete your contact info from my phone. Your name and number are still programmed into our house phones too, and I can't bring myself to delete it. I know it's just another way I'm not letting go of you. I just can't yet. I know that's ok for now. I know I have been holding onto everything I possibly can so that I don't lose you in every sense. I feel like I'm obsessive over the tiniest things about you. I buy clothes that remind me of you. I bought a shirt with butterflies on it because that's what you are to me now, and I bought a turquoise colored shirt with little birds on it, because I know it's one you would love. I've worn some of your clothes just to feel close to you. I wear your heart necklace everyday. When I think I can bear it, I will smell the bottle of your perfume that I kept. Maybe this isn't normal, maybe I'm holding on too tightly momma, but I can't seem to do otherwise.
A couple of good things have happened to my heart and mind in the last few weeks. One Sunday Dave and Sam were up at his Grandpa's cabin fixing deer stands so just Max and I went to church. I dropped him off at Sunday school and sat in church by myself. Pastor Chris' sermon was about her insistence that we pray. She said that usually her words are encouraging or inviting, but that day they were insistent. She gave some examples of prayer. She talked about how praying to God can be like having a conversation with Him, not just using the standard prayers. Then she prayed aloud for her mother who was having hip replacement surgery and her went went like this "God, thanks for mom...." That's all I really remember because those simple words melted some ice I had around my heart. I started to cry and I could finally feel my Jesus again. I have been praying and praying to feel Him and my mom's presence and finally sitting alone in church that day, surrounded by all His saints here and in Heaven, I felt the Holy Spirit melt some ice that was surrounding my broken heart. This was a huge break-through for my heart and spirit mom. I know that He never left me, it was just me that was having a hard time finding Him in all of this pain and trauma.
The other good thing that has happened, is I dreamed about you momma. This dream was unlike any others I have had. There was nothing negative or scary or sad. The dream was just your voice. It was pitch black in my head. There was no picture involved with this dream. It was just your voice coming out of the darkness. You were calling my name like you were just trying to get my attention. You said "Erika, Erika! It's all ok! I love you! I love you! I'm here!" That's all I remember mom. This was such a special dream to me. I've been over it again and again trying to figure out if it was real or if it was just a dream. I want to believe it was real, that you were really visiting me in my dreams, a place where my mind and heart would be totally open to receiving such a message. In the end, I've figured out it really doesn't matter if it was real because it was exactly what I needed.
One other good thing that has happened is that we bought and planted a beautiful pink spirus crab apple tree in your honor. It's at least 9 feet tall already and the thing I love about it is that it always blooms the most beautiful pink flowers over Mother's Day in the spring. Dayton wouldn't let us have the closure of putting a headstone on your grave to give you the respect you deserve, so this is the memorial we have to you. All winter long I can look out my livingroom window and see it there. I feel your spirit when I see it and it will represent Hope to me momma. Hope that spring will come, the ice and snow will melt outside as well as around my heart. Hope that the tree will bloom into something beautiful, and love and peace will bloom in my heart again. I bought a stone to put at the base that says "The greatest love is shared between a mother and daughter".
The thing that bothered me most about you not having a headstone until next year is the thought of you lying cold and alone there all winter, anonymous. No visitors during the winter, nothing to mark your place, nothing to say to the world "Here lies a wonderful woman who was loved beyond measure". You deserve to have your name there. Dayton chose to hurt me by not putting a headstone there. I need to have closure on the funeral process. He knew without a doubt how badly it would hurt me not to have it there, and yet he wouldn't allow us to pay for it, he wouldn't allow us to put a single headstone there, and he offered no explanations as to why. As always "he has a plan" that no one else is privy to. He told Nate, the funeral director that it was "just too soon" mom. That made me want to scream! He is moving on with his life. He's not sitting at home drowning in sorrow and can't function. Lies. I know if you are aware of what's playing out here on Earth you are appalled at what he's doing.
So to take back some of the power that Dayton took away, I sent out an email to all of my friends and relatives asking around for someone who does woodworking that would be willing/able to make a cross for us to put at your grave site. My friends Monica and Brian immediately said they could make it happen. We are going to make a name plate for it and write your name and a message for you on it. I am going to place it there and once your headstone is in place I will move the cross to your tree in our yard. I couldn't believe all the responses I got to the email I sent mom! Their love and kindness humbled me and made me feel so loved and that people really cared about the pain I am going through, and want to help. One of the blessings in this journey has been seeing the amazing love and kindness that people are capable of.
One final note before I sign off mom.. I have been seeing a fantastic grief counselor. Her name is Sally and she has 3 golden retrievers that wander around her office and look for love and petting from anyone that's willing. She's helping me sort stuff out. She has made me understand that grief, trauma, and ptsd are different things and have to be dealt with separately. This all makes lots of sense to me, and I'm so happy to have found her. I know this is what you would want for me mom. I'm trying to take care of myself.
I love you and miss you more than I can say. You are so loved.
Love and Hugs,
Erika
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