Spiritually Deaf

Dear Mamacita,

Today I went back to church for the first time since, well...what seems like forever. I stopped going when you got really sick. There didn't seem to be any time and if there was some down time I just wanted to be at home. Then when you died, I had a lot of issues with going to church again. I guess in this letter I'd like to tell you about where I'm at with God, mom. You and I used to have such amazing conversations... Sometimes they'd be lighthearted and funny, and sometimes they were deep...trying to figure out things maybe we aren't meant to know in this lifetime.

I've told you before that I'm not angry at God for taking you home to be with Him. I know that was merciful on His part. I know He didn't make you sick. Here's where I have the problem, mom. I don't hear Him anymore. I don't hear you anymore. I know that God hasn't left me for one single moment during this last sad year of my life. But, I can't feel Him. I can't feel you. I feel so incredibly lonely for both of you. Why can't I feel and hear God, mom? The more I try to hear Him, and don't, the angrier I get. The more I try to sense your presence and don't, the more frustrated and sad I become. I talk to God, mom. I pray for others, I pray for my family and even strangers I see on the street. I'll see a teenage girl walking down the sidewalk and pray that God brings good things into her life and keep her safe. Maybe I just haven't asked Him to help me. Maybe He is helping me and I just can't tell. I pray that He will let me sense you near me, but I haven't. Why won't He allow that mom? I wouldn't be afraid if I sensed you in the room with me. I would feel comforted I think. The silence I feel from God and you makes me feel insignificant. I'm sure God has way more important things to be handling than my sad and hurting heart. I have repeatedly said that I'm not angry with God, but I guess I am. Just because I feel so distant from Him and you. Why won't He talk to me, or comfort me, or let you visit me? And if you have, why can't I feel it???

It was good to be at church again today. I loved seeing some friends there. However I was expecting an emotional reunion between me and God, and that didn't happen. There have been so many times at church that I have felt the Holy Spirit there in our midst, but I couldn't sense that today. I left feeling a little disappointed that I didn't feel God there either. I was happy that my boys loved being back. But I felt numb as I left.

I've got a lot on my heart right now. We are having some serious issues with a family member, concerning your headstone, and I don't know how that's going to be resolved. It will all come to a head this week though. Also, Tuesday will be 5 months since you've died. That doesn't seem possible. I hate every minute of this mom. My chest hurts tonight. I need to go to bed and blackout for awhile and escape the heartache for awhile.

I love you more than anything mamacita. You were my mom and best friend. Please visit me when you can.......even if it's in my dreams.

Love and tight hugs,
Lucita