Pacies and Trust

Dear Mamacita,

It's been a difficult couple of days.  Who am I kidding?  It's been a difficult year.  In the last two days I've had one obsessive thought that I can't get rid of.  Let me back up a minute though.  In my therapy sessions I've been talking to Sally about how to get rid of the painful, sad, icky images I have of you in my head.  The images of you in pain, in the I.C.U., being intubated, wheelchair-bound, helpless, and finally in your casket.  She told me that they only way to get through them is to not be afraid of them when they come, to actually think about them and draw them out if I need to, but to confront them.  So two days ago I was thinking of you laying in your casket.  I was driving so I couldn't draw it, but I imagined drawing it in my head.  I was thinking about what you were wearing, how you were laying, the look on your face, and the things that were in your casket with you.  There was Mrs. Jumbo, from your Sam Sam, the tiny picture of you holding Sam's hand when he was two years old, and your favorite picture of me and you.  All of a sudden I realized that I didn't give you anything from Max. 

All I can think about right now is that I should have put one of his pacies in your casket for you with you.  Why didn't I do that, Mom?  Will Max one day resent that I didn't give you something of him to have with you?  I guess I just wasn't thinking clearly momma.  I guess I was giving you what Sam and I needed you to have, because we were hurting so badly.  Max was aware of our pain, but obviously didn't understand what was happening.  Maybe I'm starting to realize all the things that Max is going to miss out on, not having you in his life.  Sam has so many connections to you, and special memories of you.  I will work hard to make sure Max knows how much you love him.  I miss giving you the "Monster Max" updates everyday.  It would make me laugh and relax from the stresses of mommyhood when you would ask me "Did Max get a spanking yet today?"  Or you would say "What has my Monster Max gotten into today?"  I miss those chats mom.  I miss everything. I miss your sweet voice telling me that everything is going to be ok, and that I really do love Maxwell even though he's unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper, destroyed stacks of freshly laundered and folded clothes, fought with his brother, and peed on the floor. 

I've also been struggling with things I can't control, things I couldn't or can't fix.  Sally said to make a list of everything I can't fix.  I'm kind of scared to open that box in my heart.  I wondered how far back I should go, and immediately knew the answer to that.  All the way as far back as I can remember.  Wherever the hurts or problems started.  I'm going to do that mama.  I know that each step I take is a healing one.  So, maybe to move forward I need to go back, back to where things started.  I worry that if I share everything with Dave he'll see how screwed up my family really was.  What if he is like "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"  I'm not proud of how screwed up everything was for a long time mom, and I don't want to change how Dave looks at me.  Part of my brain knows that he doesn't scare easily and he's already made up his mind about me, and isn't going anywhere, but there's a small part that still says "No one has ever proven they will stay in your life..."  I know this is all about trust.  I know I have "trust issues".  I'm working on it Mom. 

Mamacita, will you please visit me in my dreams and send me an unmistakable sign that you are still with me?  I need something mom to know you are still all around me.  When I said I couldn't feel you, someone I trust said she thinks I am filled with you, that we are always together.  Maybe I need the fog to be lifted from my heart before I can totally "see" you here with me.  I'll be thinking of you as I go to sleep tonight mom, and again when I wake up. I miss you.  I love you.  I need you.  My life isn't the same without you in it.  There is a huge void in my life and a huge hole in my chest.  My chest still aches with the loss, my eyes won't stop crying, my arms ache to hold you.  I long to smell you, to hug you, to talk for hours and hours...

Love and More Love,
Erika