Dear Mamacita,
It's 5:40 a.m. and Dave and Sam just left to go up to Dave's grandpa's cabin to work on hunting stands with Loren, Cameron, his cousinTodd and his son A.J. and a few other guys. Sam was so excited! He woke up at 4:00 and started watching the clock. He came upstairs at exactly 5:00. We were going to let him sleep till about 5:20 and when he came upstairs I asked him why he was already up and he said "well dad said we had to get up at 5:00!" I made some fresh blueberry muffins and fresh coffee for Dave and a thermos of milk for Sam. We made sandwiches last night and packed some snacks, so they grabbed everything and I sent them on their way. I'm looking forward to taking Max to church and then Target and coming home and having a quiet day and doing laundry and getting ready for the week.
Yesterday Dave's mom and I made the pattern and stencils to cut out the pieces of material from your clothes to make a quilt made from of all my favorite pieces of clothes that were yours. It felt good to get started on your quilt. This is going to be a quilt that gets used everyday and can be washed and loved. I'm going to love it so much mom. It will definitely feel so good to me to be able to snuggle with pieces of clothing that you wore and lived in. It was difficult to handle your clothes yesterday, it makes me miss you so much. My heart aches with the need to see you in these clothes again. Yesterday I had the intense desire to go to Caribou with you and just have some alone time with you. I wanted a two hour coffee chat with you. I long to hear your laugh and the gentle banter that flows so naturally between us. I just want to feel that love, that bond, that easiness of conversation, where we could say nothing or talk forever..
On Wednesday I saw a grief counselor for the first time. Her name is Sally, and she was fantastic! She had so many insights into what I'm going through. She validated everything I was feeling and was an amazing listener. She also has two beautiful golden retrievers that wander around her office and come over for some loves and pets while we talk. I loved that. I'm going to see her once a week until further notice. I printed off all of my blog entries for her to read. I thought they'd give her a good idea of how I've been doing since August. I will keep you posed on how that's going. I'm trying to take care of myself mom. I know you only wanted the best for me, and that you want me to be ok, and to be happy. I'm not there yet, but maybe someday. I want to find you mom. I want to feel you next to me and know without a doubt that you are there. I need a sign. Can you send me something to let me know it's you?
I've been sharing these letters with people I care about mom, so that they know how I am doing. I feel like I need to express to them that I will eventually be ok. Some people have expressed their real concern for my health and safety. I want to say without a doubt that I would never ever, ever hurt myself. That would be dishonoring your love for me, and sentencing my loved ones that are still here to an unbelievable pain for a long, long time. I wouldn't do that. I fully intend to see my children grow up and have babies of their own. I will spoil my grandchildren just like you spoiled yours. :) I hope that they will call me Nana too one day. It would be such an honor. Maybe one of my boys will have a little girl someday for me to love and have that mother/daughter relationship with. I crave that so bad. I think about adopting a little girl so much. I know it's because of the relationship I'm missing in my life, so it's not the right time to do anything like that, but I think of it often. In the meantime, I've got my beautiful nieces Lindsey and Kylie that I can pour my mommy love into for now. I'd also like to tell all my loved ones who read this blog, how much I love them and couldn't walk this journey without them. I feel so loved and so supported. And I know that some of my closest family members (who are also friends) are hurting badly right now. I will do everything I can to be there for them in the ways that they have been there for me. It's all the little things that make a difference. For me it's just people acknowledging the pain and difficult road I'm on.
Dayton isn't going to let us get your headstone, mamacita. He won't tell us exactly why, we have a few guesses as to what his reasons are, but either way, they are selfish. I feel that it's so disrespectful to you to not have a headstone there after 5 months, and now it won't be there over the winter. I know you're not physically there, but I need everyone who passes by there to know who's buried there and to know that you were not insignificant, that you were loved beyond measure, and to see your name there. It was killing me to think of your body being there over the long, cold, dark winter with no name, no visitors of anything. The worst part is going to be Christmas. Knowing that your body is there, instead of here with us. I know I need to change my perspective and realize that you get to celebrate Christmas with Jesus, Himself this year, and I'm sure there's nothing better than that. However, it's going to be a difficult season for all of us back here. Dayton has taken the right to see your name there, to show you the respect that you deserve, away from me, so to take back some of my power, Dave and I have decided to plant a pink spirus crabapple tree in the back yard. I wanted to do it this weekend, but the place we're going to get it from won't have any instock for a week or so. I saved all the money I got in memorial gifts after your death, and put the money in an envelope for this very reason. I researched a lot of trees and found the perfect one. This tree doesn't drop its fruit and always is blooming over Mother's Day. It's truly beautiful. It will be my place to go be with you. And everytime I see it this winter it will bring me hope for the spring when it will bloom and we will finally have your headstone in place.
Well momma, I got a long time alone this morning to write to you and talk to you, and Monster Max is waking up, so I gotta go. I will talk to you soon, until then know that you are in my heart and thoughts always..
Love and Beautiful Trees,
Erika
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