Holes and Filters

Dear Mamacita,
This was supposed to be our weekend.  Every hunting opener weekend, you would always come down and stay with me and the boys.  We would go shopping, trying to keep the kids from fighting all day, and go out to a nice dinner in the evenings.  Do you remember two years ago when we went to the Olive Garden for dinner with the boys?  I thought it would be a huge mistake to take the boys out to eat there, but they ended up being as good as gold, and they both ate all their dinner!  It was like a miracle!  And you and I actually got to enjoy the meal and a glass of wine with it.  It was one of those perfect nights together.  I loved the quiet time we would have together after the kids were in bed.  We'd have such great conversations.  My favorite thing was getting up early with you (like 5:00) and having coffee and conversations together at the kitchen table or in the livingroom, or on the deck..  Mornings were always the best time for you, when you felt the best physically, and mentally.  It was during these talks that I could tell you anything and everything.  I could cry and laugh with you.  You understood all I had been through and where I've come from.  You knew what made me the way I am today, both good and bad.  God, I miss those talks.

I'm really struggling, mom, to figure out how to fill the holes in my life that you have left.  You were a filter for our family.  Adam is in a bad situation right now, of his own doing, and I have to find out 2nd or 3rd hand what's happened, instead of from you.  Too many family members are involved and facts get changed and no one really knows what's going on.  I'm not sure I can do this without you.  We always had each other to lean on when it came to Adam's issues.  Now I feel like I'm left adrift to deal with the stress of it all without your love and understanding and guidance.  I also miss your way of facilitating our relationships with Dayton.  I'm not sure what he wants or how he feels about maintaining our relationships.  I don't know what he really wants from me (us).  I wish you were here to just set him straight and tell him what he really needs to hear.

Next weekend I am going to bring your cross up to your grave.  I'm looking forward to giving you the respect that you deserve with having your name there, and maybe feeling some peace when it's all done.  I need to be there again to talk to you, to be close to you, to know that a part of you is physically close to me.  I hope that you like the cross.  I do!  Monica and Brian went beyond my expectations when they made it for me.  I hope that it holds up through the winter.

The kids are fighting and making me crazy, so I'm going to go now mamacita.  I'm gonna start some laundry and then get out and go to Target just to get out of the house with the kids for awhile.  Next time I write I need to talk to you about Thanksgiving Mom... *sigh* 

I love you mom.  Please send me some patience.  I'm going to need it today.

Missing our Chats,
Me