Dear Mamacita,
Oh mom! I've tried to write so many times, but the words just wouldn't come. I'm feeling so conflicted about so many things. There's been some good things that have happened though, that have made me feel you and God. On Wednesday I was alone in our house wrapping presents for Dave and I saw the beautiful fabric ribbon lying there on the table and I said aloud "Ok mom, I'll give it a try!" You always tied beautiful fabric bows on our presents! No one ever wanted to cut them off or throw them away. You always scoffed at our gushings about how amazing they looked. I think I loved the gifts from you because of the time you took in making them look so beautiful. I know you were thinking of me and putting all your love into each wrapping. So I worked and worked to tie something worthy on Dave's gift, and I have to say, it did turn out nice! Not up to your standards, but the best I've ever been able to do! It meant a lot to me that I could honor you and our tradition this way. So I tied beautiful ribbons on all of Dave's gifts.
While I was wrapping I was talking out loud to you about the dilemma I've been struggling with in my heart. Dayton is expecting us to come over to his/your house for Christmas Eve and I've wanted to cancel. I'm so afraid of spending Christmas Eve without you, and I don't know if I can spend it in your home, surrounded by everything that is you, and not have you there. I don't know if I can stand being there today without hearing the sound of your voice, and your laughter, the clatter of pots and pans preparing our Christmas dinner, and the look of joy on your face as your babies opening their gifts. It's going to feel so lonely. I really don't know if I can do it mom. So anyway, I was talking out loud to you, asking you what I should do. Should I cancel on Dayton? Does he even want a relationship with us? Does he care if we are there? What do you want me to do mom? I asked you to send me a note, an email, or whatever to show me what I'm supposed to do, what the right thing to do in this situation is. And literally the moment I finished asking you all of these questions out loud, my phone rang. It was Dayton. He was calling to see if we were still coming today. I started to cry. It was obvious to me that this was a sign if there ever was one! You were listening mom! Thank you thank you thank you! At that moment, I knew you wanted me to be there with Dayton on Christmas eve.
It was a good conversation with Dayton. He was so nice and gentle with me. I could tell he genuinely wanted us to be there. I even told him how scared I was of how it would feel there without you being there and I started to cry. I asked him if it was going to feel horrible, and he said "No, it won't.. Everything will be ok, Everything will be ok..." So as I hung up with him, I knew you had a hand in this. Now I'm begging you to help me actually get through this day. I am praying that it's not so incredibly painful that I can't enjoy it.
One other thing that happened that I knew was a love message from you! I had hard boiled some eggs and on Tuesday I cut one in half to salt and pepper it and then eat it. When I sliced it open the yolk was in the shape of a perfect heart! So I had two perfect hearts right in front of me! How random is that?!! I knew it had to be from you.. Your love and my love.. Just a reminder from you.
Ok mom, here goes. It's going to be a long emotional day, please help me get through it. I love you more than I can say, a love that echoes through to the Heavens. Feel my love for you. Send your love and comfort to me.
Oh, and I'll be stopping by your grave site today with some of your favorite Ritz peanut butter, white chocolate covered cookies! You used to beg me to make them every year! They were your faves!
Love and Ritz Cookies,
Erika
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