A New Year

Dear Mamacita,

Today was the second day of school. Yesterday I was a mess. I was so very anxious, nervous, excited, and sad all at once. I felt sick to my stomach all morning. I was anxious and nervous because I didn't know what to expect from these 5th graders. I wasn't sure I knew how to talk to them, what they would be like, and if they would like me too. I know that's insecure of me, but it is what it is. I was so sad because this is the first school year I have ever started without you. Since my first day of kindergarten through my first day of student teaching, you were there for me. You always had such complete faith and belief in me. You always thought I could do anything. You encouraged me and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You were always so interested in every detail of my and Sam's days at school. You loved the funny stories and when I would tell you frustrating stories of things that had happened during the day you would help me find the humor in it all. You were so insightful and I miss you so much. I wish you were here to decompress with. I want to go over everything with you. I feel like there is so much that you are missing, that you don't know. It scares me that you might not know what's going on in my life.

I am missing telling you my Monster Max stories. For example, tonight after dinner I started clearing the dishes from the table and Max ran and sat next to Sam on the big chair. We had a feeling he needed to use the potty but he didn't say anything so I walked over there and he had already started going pee and poop in his undies! So I ran him into the bathroom and had to dig a huge chunk of poop out of his undies using some toilet paper! I know if I would have called you, you would have burst out laughing and made me see the humor in it, and that would have made me love you and Max even more.

When I was missing you really bad on Tuesday morning, I told a friend of mine that I really needed you with me, and she said "she's in your heart and soul, and the only difference is this year she gets to be in your classroom with you!" That thought was so comforting! I don't know if you have been visiting me in my class, but everything has gone really well. I have been feeling happy at school these last two days and feeling like I may just have found my place. I wish I could look in your eyes as I tell you all this. I guess I will just have to hope you're in my classroom and in my heart. If I could ask one thing of you mom, it would be for you to look in on Sam during his days at school. I worry about him. I know he's trying so hard socially right now. I know it's so stressful for him. I hope you're there to lay your hand on his shoulder and guide him through all the social situations that he needs help with. He misses you so bad too mom. He talks about you all the time. He told me his wish for this school year was that you were still alive. I didn't even know what to say to that. I just tried not to cry.

I also just went to our first family get together without you there. The vibe was totally different without you there. When things got silly or exasperating, you weren't there to make eye contact with and laugh with. Missing you doesn't begin to cover how I feel about not having you here. It feels like the light in my life is now dim. There's still light, it's just not as bright. I'm not sure it ever will be as bright as when you were in my life.

There's so much pain and trouble in life right now. Adam is hurting both himself and Dayton so much. I know this can only end one way for him. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later. Dayton can't take it, and I can barely take the stress of dealing with the fallout. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not responsible for either one of their actions and can't control either one of them. I can't make either of them do the right thing.

I know that God didn't take you away from me. I know He didn't make you sick, and He didn't want for any of us to suffer. I know He has been merciful in this whole journey. He can't give me you back, but someday, He will take me to be with you and Him. Until then he has made my earthly relationships so much better. I feel so much closer to so many people. My "Fristas", brothers-in-law, friends, and aunts, uncles, and some cousins. People have been there for me in ways I never could have anticipated or imagined. I have never felt more loved by these people than I do now in my life. Losing you has made me realize just exactly how much I love and need these people in my life. I know they haven't changed, I have. There is a whole new place in my heart for love and understanding. I can't change the fact that I haven't always been there for other people when they really needed it, but now I get it. I don't think a person can truly understand what someone is going through unless they have experienced a traumatic and significant loss in their own lives. The people in my life that haven't ever lost someone they were close to, or gone through a life changing situation, have no idea how much I hurt and how much the human soul can endure. My co-workers are so wonderful. I am still amazed that when you died I had only known these people for 7 months and so many of them came to your visitation. I totally didn't expect it, but seeing them there meant so much to me. I know I have found my place as a teacher. I love them there at school, and don't want to be anywhere else. My girlfriends are amazing. I can call/text/email them when I'm hyper, happy, scared, or having a nervous breakdown. I know that they are just a text or phone call away. I would not be in the place I'm in today if not for them. I pray for blessings in their lives everyday.

I miss you Mamacita. I need to get ready for school tomorrow and get some lesson plans ready. Please visit me in my dreams mom. I need you....

Love and More Love,
Erika