Difficult Conversations

Dear Mamacita,

I need you with me today. I'm so stressed and anxious about what's going to go down today. Dave and I are going to your house to meet with Dayton to talk about a lot of things that need to get talked about. The most important thing we need to talk about is your headstone. He was avoiding the topic every time I brought it up. I know it's painful, but I need to have it there at your grave. You deserve to have something beautiful there for people to recognize the life you lived and that you were so very loved. I made two different options mom. I made a single marker that is just for you, and I made a double that is for you and Dayton. Both are beautiful options I think. I'm hoping he will pick one and then we can agree on how to pay for it.

The next thing we need to talk about is Adam. Or rather how to deal with his situation. Dave and I think that Dayton just needs repeated permission to do the right thing. Adam is using Dayton's love for you to take advantage of him. He is bleeding him dry and stealing from him. Dave and I are going to tell him that you wouldn't accept that behavior from him and would involve the authorities. It's a hard line to take but enough is enough! I'm not sad for what's going to happen to Adam... just angry and hurt. I guess maybe I am sad.. sad for him that he has never been able to process any of the pain in his life, and has chosen to smother the pain with drugs. He knows that so many people love him, but that doesn't matter to him momma. He still continues to abuse his body and soul. He still continues to hurt everyone who loves him. He has made people afraid of him. I am afraid to be alone with him. I am afraid of his temper and violent mood swings. I know that he could hurt me physically and not even remember it when his high wears off.

When you were in the hospital after we found out that your cancer was terminal you were asking and asking where Adam was. He hadn't come to see you even once and in your heart you knew something was wrong. You asked me on the phone if he was in jail. I told you honestly that I didn't know but I felt things were headed that way. You cried and told me that I needed to remember that Adam is always forgiven. I have so much anger directed at him I'm not sure what forgiveness looks like in this situation. One definition of forgiveness that I can work with is "Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt someone just because they hurt me." I don't want to hurt him. But the hurts that he has done to me and you just keep adding up. I am angry with him for so many things. Where was he when you were in the hospital and staying with me for 6 months? He has ruined so many important moments of my life. He has always been a bruise on my heart. The previous 2 years before last October were the best two years we have had a family. He was clean and sober and working and taking care of his sweet little girl financially. Then as soon as you got sick(er) and had to move in with me, he went right back to what he used to do. I know that one day Adam and I will be able to address all the issues that stand in the way of our love for each other. I don't know when. Can I tell you what the secret fear in my heart is mamacita? I know he's going to die. I know it won't be long. You can't be an addict and live a long life. How will I deal with that mom? Everyone who isn't supposed to leave me has. My dad left me when I was five, my step-dad, whom I considered my dad left me at a crucial point in my life and hurt us for so long, you left me, and I know Adam is going to leave me too. Then I will be the only one from our family left. What the hell?!?! Sweet Jenny left us too early, funny, beautiful Aunt Kay left us too early, and then you! Sometimes mom all I want to do is scream profanity and break some glass to hear it shatter into a million pieces just like my heart! How can I deal mom? When does the pain end?

I also found out that my dad has had a series of small strokes. That terrifies me too mom. We have had a great relationship in the last 8 years. I don't think I can take losing him again.

I miss you so much momma. I need you here to talk to me. Tell me that I'm not alone in dealing with Adam and alone in dealing with this vast ocean of pain. I need you so much that sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I can't touch you and hear your voice again. I know where you are, and I know that I'm going there too someday, and that I will spend eternity with you, so really 50 years is only a blink of the eye in comparison to how long we will be together, but for right now, it may as well be 500 years. I ask you again Mamacita, please come visit me in my dreams or when I'm awake. Let me feel your presence and love. Help me mom.

A good friend of mine told me that I won't find you in Wisconsin Dells, in my kitchen, or in Hawaii. I will find you in my soul. She told me that I have been holding onto you so tightly, and maybe by letting go, I would feel some peace. She's right mom. I have been holding on so tightly. I am terrified of letting go of you and this painful experience. I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side of this pain. What if there's nothing? What if it's worse? What if I don't remember everything we've been through? I'm a mess mom. I still cry everyday from missing you, I think I may need a higher dosage of my depression meds, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist who specializes in grief and eating disorders. I'm really trying to take care of myself mom.

Here's the other thing that's on my heart. Maxwell's 3rd birthday party is on Sunday. It seems like an outrage to celebrate with you. I know if you were here you would tell me of course, without a doubt I should have the party to celebrate your baby! It all just feels fake to me. I don't feel like celebrating anything. I just want you to be here, or for me to be where you are.

I love you mamacita. More than life. Our hearts are forever connected, and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. Please be with me today mom. I need you.

All my love,
Erika