Sadness and Strife

Dear Mamacita,

Life just isn't getting easier for me and Dave.  Yesterday morning Sue's husband Dave died of a sudden heart attack.  He was only 47 years old.  My heart is hurting so much for the pain I see and feel in Dave, Sue, Rach, Becca.....everyone.  I am so incredibly sad for the path that Rach and Becca have to walk now, without their dad.  I know the pain they are in for now.  I will be there for them in every single way that I can to help them know that they aren't alone, and they will make it through this dark time of their lives.  My heart breaks for Sue.  She knew Dave for 31 years.  That's a long time to love someone and lose your husband and best friend.  I miss Dave so much too.  In the last five months we have grown so much closer.  He was the only one in our family that had lost a parent, and whenever we saw each other he would slide an arm around me and look me in the eyes and ask me how I was doing.  And I knew I didn't have to explain my feelings to him.  He just "got" it.  He just knew what was on my mind.  I will miss his quiet, loving way, his funny sense of humor that would make you take a double take, and how his smile always reached his eyes.  He will be missed so badly by so many people.  If you see him up there mom, give him a hug from all of us, and "show him the ropes" of Heaven.

It's fall now mom.  This was always our favorite time of year.  You loved how dry and crisp the air felt and of course, the beautiful fall colors.  Dave just reminded me that next Tuesday is my birthday.  It shocked me.  It doesn't seem possible that it's been almost a year since that terrible day a year ago when our lives began to spiral downwards.  I don't want it to be fall.  I don't want to see the leaves change color.  It shouldn't be happening without you.  I still picture you here with me, wearing that beautiful perfect fall red sweater and a pair of jeans, sitting at my table having coffee with me and just chatting about life, love , Monster Max, and Sam Sam.  I loved our chats and miss them so incredibly much.  Just having you here in my house, laughing and talking with me was the best feeling ever!  I always felt so loved and supported by being with you.  The boys would just light up when you would walk in the door.  I will never forget the look on your face every single time you came in the house and saw the boys.  The was just a look of complete joy and love on your face and in your eyes.  It was like your heart had come home.  The four of us were together, and life was good.  The world felt like it was exactly as it was supposed to be.  Do you think it will ever feel like that again?  I just don't know mom.  Maybe someday when I'm a nana and I'm sitting in one of my son's houses with them and their kids...  Hard to even imagine at this point. 

I decided how I want to spend my birthday this year mom.  Dave and I are going to take the day off of work and school, take the kids to school and daycare, and then drive down to Stillwater for the day.  We love it down there!  We're going to have lunch at Smalley's Caribbean BBQ and Pirate Bar, and just walk around and see what we see.  I didn't want to be alone on this anniversary of something so sad, and I didn't want to be at work, because my heart wouldn't be in it.  So I'm really looking forward to some alone time with Dave. 

We still haven't finished dealing with your headstone issue.  Dayton refuses to sign the damn contract and write the check and send it in.  We even told him that we would pay for it, and that just made him blow up, saying "he's a big boy and doesn't need anyone to take care of his problems" etc. etc.  I can't even tell you how irate I am over this situation mom.  I feel like he doesn't give a damn how I feel, and that I need this headstone to be there to heal part of my heart.  He told the funeral director yesterday that "it's just too soon" for him.  WTH??!!!??  It's been 5 months and he's dating someone, so it's not like he's wallowing in sorrow or self-pity at home and can't function with the grief.  Why won't he do this momma?  He just seems so selfish and self-absorbed right now.  I don't think he truly understands how I feel and how incredibly hard this has been and is for me.

I have a request mom.  Can you please check in with God, after choir practice, and ask for some special favors?  We need some help down here.  I need help with Dayton, and my husband and his side of our family is hurting.  I pray for comfort for all of them that are hurting.  Please let me feel your love around me mom.  I need you.  Now more than ever....

Love and Mixed Feelings of Fall,
Erika