Inadequate

Dear Mamacita,

It's 7:00 a.m. on a snowy Saturday morning.  Do you remember the wonderful, calm glow of the Christmas tree in the morning?  It feels like the universe is is quiet and still.  The kids are happily watching a Christmas cartoon and Dave got us a bag of Kona coffee beans last night!  So I got the coffee pot ready and the beans ground last night, and then set out our favorite coffee cups so that everything would be ready to go this morning.  My favorite Saturday tradition is drinking coffee from your favorite mug that I kept when you moved out.  It's the one that says "My favorite people call me Nana".  It makes me feel close to you.  It reminds me of sitting at the kitchen table early in the morning with you, drinking coffee and having loving chats.

Did you ever feel inadequate as a mom and woman, mamacita?  This season is proving to be particularly difficult for me.  I'm feeling inadequate in so many ways.  The Christmas tree is up, the stockings are hung and the Santa pictures are sitting on the mantel, but that's all the decorating we have been able to do.  The boys have been really sick this week and school has been really trying.  Sometimes I feel like I let everyone who's important to me down.  I wish I could just be graceful and accepting of what has happened.  There are some people I know who have had difficult situations that are so graceful, gentle and accepting of what life has dealt them.  I can't figure out why I don't have that.  Instead I feel like I'm not doing anything right.  I'm just hurt, fearful, and angry.  I haven't been doing right by God and my kids by not taking them to Sunday school and attending worship ourselves.  I have a whole basket full of wonderful Christmas books that I can't bring myself to read to them. 

This season is supposed to be full of expectation.  Waiting for baby Jesus to come into our world, waiting for Santa to come, waiting for the family get togethers, waiting for the special holiday treats, and waiting for the presents.  But for me, I don't feel it mom.  It all seems hollow.  I haven't bought any Christmas presents yet, it just doesn't seem important, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed by life that sometimes I can't even bring myself to return phone calls or maintain friendships that mean so much to me.  I know that I haven't been a very good friend to so many people who are so important to me.  I used to be the one whom people would come to, to talk about their problems, but now I feel like people aren't sharing these things with me like they used to.  I'm probably putting out the vibe that I can't handle everyone else's problems.  I also feel very needy and vulnerable for the first time in my life.

My anxiety levels have been really high this week.  I've had to take more meds than usual.  But when everything hurts and I feel like I can't breathe there's no good options.  I try to focus on my breathing, mom.  Taking long, deep steadying breaths, but sometimes that doesn't help at all.  If I didn't have Dave as my rock and steady force in my life I wouldn't be functioning as well as I am.  How long will this last mom?  How long will I need all the meds in order to cope and function?  When does the pain subside?  I absolutely hate it when people tell me to just "think about the good times"!  Do they think that I don't want to do that???  There are times when I am calm and it's just me and Dave that I can talk about funny memories of us and favorite times, but mostly when I think about you, it's just the loneliness.  Just remembering over and over again that you are gone.  That I have to face the rest of my life without you.  That I don't get to call you anymore to ask you how to make gravy (for the 130th time!) or how long to hard boil an egg, or what to do when your Sam Sam has a temp of 104 degrees and is asking for you and says that he just wants you here to take care of him and hold him. 

Where do I go from here?  I'm praying for God to show me the path I need to take.  I trust that he can make a flower bloom from this desert of pain.  I want to ask Him so many questions, but I know the answers will have to wait.  I know that I can't see His plan for my life.  I know he only wants and plans good for our lives, but it's hard to see through the grief and loneliness right now.  I praise him for the 34 1/2 years I had with you.  I am thankful that He gave us each other for as long as we did.  I truly believe that depth of which we grieve is directly proportionate to the depth to which we loved.  As Queen Elizabeth II said "Grief is the price we pay for love."

For now I'm going to make my kids some "Fa la la hot chocolate" (dark hot chocolate with Andes mints melted in them) and drink my Kona coffee and just let God sort it out for me.  I'll keep on keeping on and keep breathing.

Love and Coffee,
Me