Blue

Dear Mamacita,

I'm feeling stressed and tired and lonely and anxious today. I had a couple of doctor appointments on Thursday to evaluate how I'm doing both physically and emotionally. The verdict? Well that depends on how you look at things. My primary care doctor increased my dosage of Celexa, for depression, from 40mg to 60mg and also increased my Xanax dosage because of my increased anxiety levels. My fingernail cuticles are a direct reflection of my anxiety and right now they are at an embarrassing level of torn up. Nothing feels right in my life right now.

I'm starting the bowling league tonight but it's hard to get excited about it because the fun that I should be having there feels fake. I have become good at faking fun. I love the people there that I'm bowling with, and I know they love me, but it's still hard. But what choices do I really have mom? I could stay home forever and cry and be sad and angry, or I can try. I can try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making the effort at participating in life.

If I could I would just run away. Everything is very overwhelming to me momma. I'm stressed to the max about potty training, getting ready to go back to school, money issues, anxiety, Adam, my dad, and dealing with fighting kids all the time. If I could I would run away to Grand Marais. I would go to the special place that Dave and I have, out on the huge flat rocks, where he surprised me with a special gift one time. I want to be there and just not see another person. I want to hear the waves crashing on the rocky shore and the seagulls calling from all around. I just want to be alone with my grief and try to figure things out, mom.

All of my heart longs to be with you. Would I find you there in my heart? When will God allow you to come to me, so I can feel your presence? I just need a sign that you're still aware that I am here where you are not, I need a sign that you understand my broken heart and are still here for me. Why haven't I been able to feel you yet momma? How long do I have to wait? It's been four months and all it's been is pain and more pain.

I sometimes wonder if my family and closest friends are tired of hearing about it, and just want me to "move on" or "get over it". I hope they don't feel that way, but I'm not sure. I try not to bring up you or my grief, but it takes up almost all of my heart and all of my brain. Your name is always on the tip of my tongue.

I am afraid a lot, mom. I'm afraid of so many things. I am scared that people will stop talking about you. I am afraid that we will forget the little things that make you, you. I am afraid that as time goes by, people just won't remember or care that I still hurt and this has been a life changing loss for me. I may look the same on the outside, but on the inside, I can never ever go back to who I was a year ago. That girl doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes I see flashes of her, but the new me is so different. I feel like I'm more cynical, irritable, short tempered, scared, and angry. I know I have to resist the urge to push people away. I know I shouldn't test people's love for me by trying to see if I can make them leave me. I wouldn't say that I'm used to the people I love leaving me, but I'm starting to expect it. I've even thought about who will probably be next to leave.

What is permanent in this world, mom? Nothing. I know God is the only constant, but I feel distant, even from Him. I know I could just ask Him in, and he is waiting for me to do just that, but there's so much anger and hurt, I'm not sure how. I'm tired momma. I'm emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually tired. Sometimes I feel like I've got nothing left. The demands keep piling up, but I've got nothing left to give. I wonder if my eyes look as hollow as I feel inside. I know you would be so sad to read this, to hear this, but I don't know how to make it better mom. I can't just make myself "be happy". "They" keep telling me it's just a process... that maybe after a year I will feel better. I hope so. My world hurts right now. I miss you more than I can express with words mom. I miss picking up the phone and telling you all my hurts and worries. Even if you couldn't fix them, I still felt loved and not alone after talking to you. There isn't a price tag I wouldn't pay to have an hour long convo with you again. ..

Waiting for your love,
Erika