Empty

Dear Mamacita,

I feel empty today. It's been one of those days where nothing feels right, and the anxiety is always just right there hiding beneath the surface. I miss everything that was you. I. want to talk to you on the phone and hear your voice. I want to feel your arms around me. I feel like a little kid, I want to crawl onto the couch with you and just snuggle. Even if you couldn't talk to me I just want to lay with you and snuggle and feel your warmth and tell you over and over how much I love and adore you.

On your birthday you held me while I cried, and I said "I don't think I can do this, Mom.." and you said "You'll be ok, baby.." When will that be mom? I feel so lonely for you, no one understands the relationship that we had. No one knows exactly how much I love and need you. Every single minute I long to hear your laughter, hear you say my name, hear you say I love you, just one more time. I wish I could dream of you mom. I wish I could have a really really good dream about you and me. I need you mamacita. I need to feel your presence. Do you know how broken my heart really is? If you do, I'm sure it makes you so sad. You told me not to be sad forever. I said I wouldn't, but I had no idea the pain would be like this.

Why did it have to end like this mom? Why did it have to be you? I feel like my kids have been robbed of the honor of growing up with you in their lives. I feel angry that you won't be there for all the milestones and all the little moments too. I get so angry that I just want to scream and curse and smash stuff. The emotions are so intense at times it feels like I can't contain them inside my heart and brain. The anger is white hot sometimes. And the sadness can be as blue as the night sky. Sometimes my chest hurts so bad that I think something may be physically wrong with me. The only escape I have is at night when I take 2 xanax and fall into a black sleep.

I don't want to leave my kids and my family and friends here, but I just long to be with you, in place of eternal peace and healing. I want to find you again and feel whole again. I want you here in my life. I need you mom. What am I supposed to do about that? What can I do about my grief? What can I do about the pain? What am I supposed to do when my kids ask for you and I can't explain it to them? So many questions and no freakin answers. I'm done mom. There's nothing left in me tonight except pain and emptiness. I'm done trying to explain how to I feel to others. Sad doesn't cover it, angry doesn't cover it, heartbroken doesn't cover it. It's all those things multiplied by a billion.

One final thought of the night mom.... a quote you would agree with..

"Grief is the price we pay for love." Queen Elizabeth II

Love,
Me