Dear Mamacita,
I know it's been a long time since I've written to you. So much has happened. Where to even begin? Guess I can start on my birthday. When we were cleaning the basement a few weeks ago I found several cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college, to cheer me up and encourage me. I put them in my planner and didn't look at them until my birthday. Dave took Sam to school and Max to daycare that morning, and I was alone in the house for a little while. I read them and the storm of sadness began, tears, anger that you aren't here for my 35th birthday, the physical ache in my chest of missing you, and the longing to be with you were just overwhelming. So I let the storm rage for a while and felt a little better when it had passed. Dave and I drove down to Stillwater for the day. We walked around and shopped a little and had lunch together. Came home to a nice quiet house and enjoyed the stillness and peace. I didn't want to have my birthday mom. Not without you here. You knew how much my birthday always meant to me, that it was my favorite "holiday". You knew why it was important to me. It just didn't feel right without you here...I also don't want to get older without you here.
You were such a huge part of my life, so integrated into the daily fabric, that to have you ripped out of my life is painful beyond belief. There are a thousand times a day I need to talk to you. I still can't bear to delete your contact info from my phone. Your name and number are still programmed into our house phones too, and I can't bring myself to delete it. I know it's just another way I'm not letting go of you. I just can't yet. I know that's ok for now. I know I have been holding onto everything I possibly can so that I don't lose you in every sense. I feel like I'm obsessive over the tiniest things about you. I buy clothes that remind me of you. I bought a shirt with butterflies on it because that's what you are to me now, and I bought a turquoise colored shirt with little birds on it, because I know it's one you would love. I've worn some of your clothes just to feel close to you. I wear your heart necklace everyday. When I think I can bear it, I will smell the bottle of your perfume that I kept. Maybe this isn't normal, maybe I'm holding on too tightly momma, but I can't seem to do otherwise.
A couple of good things have happened to my heart and mind in the last few weeks. One Sunday Dave and Sam were up at his Grandpa's cabin fixing deer stands so just Max and I went to church. I dropped him off at Sunday school and sat in church by myself. Pastor Chris' sermon was about her insistence that we pray. She said that usually her words are encouraging or inviting, but that day they were insistent. She gave some examples of prayer. She talked about how praying to God can be like having a conversation with Him, not just using the standard prayers. Then she prayed aloud for her mother who was having hip replacement surgery and her went went like this "God, thanks for mom...." That's all I really remember because those simple words melted some ice I had around my heart. I started to cry and I could finally feel my Jesus again. I have been praying and praying to feel Him and my mom's presence and finally sitting alone in church that day, surrounded by all His saints here and in Heaven, I felt the Holy Spirit melt some ice that was surrounding my broken heart. This was a huge break-through for my heart and spirit mom. I know that He never left me, it was just me that was having a hard time finding Him in all of this pain and trauma.
The other good thing that has happened, is I dreamed about you momma. This dream was unlike any others I have had. There was nothing negative or scary or sad. The dream was just your voice. It was pitch black in my head. There was no picture involved with this dream. It was just your voice coming out of the darkness. You were calling my name like you were just trying to get my attention. You said "Erika, Erika! It's all ok! I love you! I love you! I'm here!" That's all I remember mom. This was such a special dream to me. I've been over it again and again trying to figure out if it was real or if it was just a dream. I want to believe it was real, that you were really visiting me in my dreams, a place where my mind and heart would be totally open to receiving such a message. In the end, I've figured out it really doesn't matter if it was real because it was exactly what I needed.
One other good thing that has happened is that we bought and planted a beautiful pink spirus crab apple tree in your honor. It's at least 9 feet tall already and the thing I love about it is that it always blooms the most beautiful pink flowers over Mother's Day in the spring. Dayton wouldn't let us have the closure of putting a headstone on your grave to give you the respect you deserve, so this is the memorial we have to you. All winter long I can look out my livingroom window and see it there. I feel your spirit when I see it and it will represent Hope to me momma. Hope that spring will come, the ice and snow will melt outside as well as around my heart. Hope that the tree will bloom into something beautiful, and love and peace will bloom in my heart again. I bought a stone to put at the base that says "The greatest love is shared between a mother and daughter".
The thing that bothered me most about you not having a headstone until next year is the thought of you lying cold and alone there all winter, anonymous. No visitors during the winter, nothing to mark your place, nothing to say to the world "Here lies a wonderful woman who was loved beyond measure". You deserve to have your name there. Dayton chose to hurt me by not putting a headstone there. I need to have closure on the funeral process. He knew without a doubt how badly it would hurt me not to have it there, and yet he wouldn't allow us to pay for it, he wouldn't allow us to put a single headstone there, and he offered no explanations as to why. As always "he has a plan" that no one else is privy to. He told Nate, the funeral director that it was "just too soon" mom. That made me want to scream! He is moving on with his life. He's not sitting at home drowning in sorrow and can't function. Lies. I know if you are aware of what's playing out here on Earth you are appalled at what he's doing.
So to take back some of the power that Dayton took away, I sent out an email to all of my friends and relatives asking around for someone who does woodworking that would be willing/able to make a cross for us to put at your grave site. My friends Monica and Brian immediately said they could make it happen. We are going to make a name plate for it and write your name and a message for you on it. I am going to place it there and once your headstone is in place I will move the cross to your tree in our yard. I couldn't believe all the responses I got to the email I sent mom! Their love and kindness humbled me and made me feel so loved and that people really cared about the pain I am going through, and want to help. One of the blessings in this journey has been seeing the amazing love and kindness that people are capable of.
One final note before I sign off mom.. I have been seeing a fantastic grief counselor. Her name is Sally and she has 3 golden retrievers that wander around her office and look for love and petting from anyone that's willing. She's helping me sort stuff out. She has made me understand that grief, trauma, and ptsd are different things and have to be dealt with separately. This all makes lots of sense to me, and I'm so happy to have found her. I know this is what you would want for me mom. I'm trying to take care of myself.
I love you and miss you more than I can say. You are so loved.
Love and Hugs,
Erika
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Missing You Today
Dear Mamacita,
I want to blog tonight, but the words won't come. Maybe I'm too tired. It's been a very emotional day. I think I'm just gonna chill and go to bed early tonight momma. I love you so much. I'm missing you so very bad tonight. My heart is full of love and loneliness. I love my family so much, but I'm so lonely for you mamacita. I needed to hear your voice today and feel you close to me and I can't. I did read some old birthday cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college.. The things you said in them are as relevant today as they were back in 1997. I'll share them with you later. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow night. I'll blog sometime tomorrow and let you know everything that's on my heart mama. It's just too achy in my chest right now. I think I need some process time. Will you visit me and Sam Sam in our dreams tonight? Oh, and tomorrow I will also tell you about church on Sunday. Something great is happening....
Night Mamacita,
Me
I want to blog tonight, but the words won't come. Maybe I'm too tired. It's been a very emotional day. I think I'm just gonna chill and go to bed early tonight momma. I love you so much. I'm missing you so very bad tonight. My heart is full of love and loneliness. I love my family so much, but I'm so lonely for you mamacita. I needed to hear your voice today and feel you close to me and I can't. I did read some old birthday cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college.. The things you said in them are as relevant today as they were back in 1997. I'll share them with you later. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow night. I'll blog sometime tomorrow and let you know everything that's on my heart mama. It's just too achy in my chest right now. I think I need some process time. Will you visit me and Sam Sam in our dreams tonight? Oh, and tomorrow I will also tell you about church on Sunday. Something great is happening....
Night Mamacita,
Me
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hunting, Quilts and Trees
Dear Mamacita,
It's 5:40 a.m. and Dave and Sam just left to go up to Dave's grandpa's cabin to work on hunting stands with Loren, Cameron, his cousinTodd and his son A.J. and a few other guys. Sam was so excited! He woke up at 4:00 and started watching the clock. He came upstairs at exactly 5:00. We were going to let him sleep till about 5:20 and when he came upstairs I asked him why he was already up and he said "well dad said we had to get up at 5:00!" I made some fresh blueberry muffins and fresh coffee for Dave and a thermos of milk for Sam. We made sandwiches last night and packed some snacks, so they grabbed everything and I sent them on their way. I'm looking forward to taking Max to church and then Target and coming home and having a quiet day and doing laundry and getting ready for the week.
Yesterday Dave's mom and I made the pattern and stencils to cut out the pieces of material from your clothes to make a quilt made from of all my favorite pieces of clothes that were yours. It felt good to get started on your quilt. This is going to be a quilt that gets used everyday and can be washed and loved. I'm going to love it so much mom. It will definitely feel so good to me to be able to snuggle with pieces of clothing that you wore and lived in. It was difficult to handle your clothes yesterday, it makes me miss you so much. My heart aches with the need to see you in these clothes again. Yesterday I had the intense desire to go to Caribou with you and just have some alone time with you. I wanted a two hour coffee chat with you. I long to hear your laugh and the gentle banter that flows so naturally between us. I just want to feel that love, that bond, that easiness of conversation, where we could say nothing or talk forever..
On Wednesday I saw a grief counselor for the first time. Her name is Sally, and she was fantastic! She had so many insights into what I'm going through. She validated everything I was feeling and was an amazing listener. She also has two beautiful golden retrievers that wander around her office and come over for some loves and pets while we talk. I loved that. I'm going to see her once a week until further notice. I printed off all of my blog entries for her to read. I thought they'd give her a good idea of how I've been doing since August. I will keep you posed on how that's going. I'm trying to take care of myself mom. I know you only wanted the best for me, and that you want me to be ok, and to be happy. I'm not there yet, but maybe someday. I want to find you mom. I want to feel you next to me and know without a doubt that you are there. I need a sign. Can you send me something to let me know it's you?
I've been sharing these letters with people I care about mom, so that they know how I am doing. I feel like I need to express to them that I will eventually be ok. Some people have expressed their real concern for my health and safety. I want to say without a doubt that I would never ever, ever hurt myself. That would be dishonoring your love for me, and sentencing my loved ones that are still here to an unbelievable pain for a long, long time. I wouldn't do that. I fully intend to see my children grow up and have babies of their own. I will spoil my grandchildren just like you spoiled yours. :) I hope that they will call me Nana too one day. It would be such an honor. Maybe one of my boys will have a little girl someday for me to love and have that mother/daughter relationship with. I crave that so bad. I think about adopting a little girl so much. I know it's because of the relationship I'm missing in my life, so it's not the right time to do anything like that, but I think of it often. In the meantime, I've got my beautiful nieces Lindsey and Kylie that I can pour my mommy love into for now. I'd also like to tell all my loved ones who read this blog, how much I love them and couldn't walk this journey without them. I feel so loved and so supported. And I know that some of my closest family members (who are also friends) are hurting badly right now. I will do everything I can to be there for them in the ways that they have been there for me. It's all the little things that make a difference. For me it's just people acknowledging the pain and difficult road I'm on.
Dayton isn't going to let us get your headstone, mamacita. He won't tell us exactly why, we have a few guesses as to what his reasons are, but either way, they are selfish. I feel that it's so disrespectful to you to not have a headstone there after 5 months, and now it won't be there over the winter. I know you're not physically there, but I need everyone who passes by there to know who's buried there and to know that you were not insignificant, that you were loved beyond measure, and to see your name there. It was killing me to think of your body being there over the long, cold, dark winter with no name, no visitors of anything. The worst part is going to be Christmas. Knowing that your body is there, instead of here with us. I know I need to change my perspective and realize that you get to celebrate Christmas with Jesus, Himself this year, and I'm sure there's nothing better than that. However, it's going to be a difficult season for all of us back here. Dayton has taken the right to see your name there, to show you the respect that you deserve, away from me, so to take back some of my power, Dave and I have decided to plant a pink spirus crabapple tree in the back yard. I wanted to do it this weekend, but the place we're going to get it from won't have any instock for a week or so. I saved all the money I got in memorial gifts after your death, and put the money in an envelope for this very reason. I researched a lot of trees and found the perfect one. This tree doesn't drop its fruit and always is blooming over Mother's Day. It's truly beautiful. It will be my place to go be with you. And everytime I see it this winter it will bring me hope for the spring when it will bloom and we will finally have your headstone in place.
Well momma, I got a long time alone this morning to write to you and talk to you, and Monster Max is waking up, so I gotta go. I will talk to you soon, until then know that you are in my heart and thoughts always..
Love and Beautiful Trees,
Erika
It's 5:40 a.m. and Dave and Sam just left to go up to Dave's grandpa's cabin to work on hunting stands with Loren, Cameron, his cousinTodd and his son A.J. and a few other guys. Sam was so excited! He woke up at 4:00 and started watching the clock. He came upstairs at exactly 5:00. We were going to let him sleep till about 5:20 and when he came upstairs I asked him why he was already up and he said "well dad said we had to get up at 5:00!" I made some fresh blueberry muffins and fresh coffee for Dave and a thermos of milk for Sam. We made sandwiches last night and packed some snacks, so they grabbed everything and I sent them on their way. I'm looking forward to taking Max to church and then Target and coming home and having a quiet day and doing laundry and getting ready for the week.
Yesterday Dave's mom and I made the pattern and stencils to cut out the pieces of material from your clothes to make a quilt made from of all my favorite pieces of clothes that were yours. It felt good to get started on your quilt. This is going to be a quilt that gets used everyday and can be washed and loved. I'm going to love it so much mom. It will definitely feel so good to me to be able to snuggle with pieces of clothing that you wore and lived in. It was difficult to handle your clothes yesterday, it makes me miss you so much. My heart aches with the need to see you in these clothes again. Yesterday I had the intense desire to go to Caribou with you and just have some alone time with you. I wanted a two hour coffee chat with you. I long to hear your laugh and the gentle banter that flows so naturally between us. I just want to feel that love, that bond, that easiness of conversation, where we could say nothing or talk forever..
On Wednesday I saw a grief counselor for the first time. Her name is Sally, and she was fantastic! She had so many insights into what I'm going through. She validated everything I was feeling and was an amazing listener. She also has two beautiful golden retrievers that wander around her office and come over for some loves and pets while we talk. I loved that. I'm going to see her once a week until further notice. I printed off all of my blog entries for her to read. I thought they'd give her a good idea of how I've been doing since August. I will keep you posed on how that's going. I'm trying to take care of myself mom. I know you only wanted the best for me, and that you want me to be ok, and to be happy. I'm not there yet, but maybe someday. I want to find you mom. I want to feel you next to me and know without a doubt that you are there. I need a sign. Can you send me something to let me know it's you?
I've been sharing these letters with people I care about mom, so that they know how I am doing. I feel like I need to express to them that I will eventually be ok. Some people have expressed their real concern for my health and safety. I want to say without a doubt that I would never ever, ever hurt myself. That would be dishonoring your love for me, and sentencing my loved ones that are still here to an unbelievable pain for a long, long time. I wouldn't do that. I fully intend to see my children grow up and have babies of their own. I will spoil my grandchildren just like you spoiled yours. :) I hope that they will call me Nana too one day. It would be such an honor. Maybe one of my boys will have a little girl someday for me to love and have that mother/daughter relationship with. I crave that so bad. I think about adopting a little girl so much. I know it's because of the relationship I'm missing in my life, so it's not the right time to do anything like that, but I think of it often. In the meantime, I've got my beautiful nieces Lindsey and Kylie that I can pour my mommy love into for now. I'd also like to tell all my loved ones who read this blog, how much I love them and couldn't walk this journey without them. I feel so loved and so supported. And I know that some of my closest family members (who are also friends) are hurting badly right now. I will do everything I can to be there for them in the ways that they have been there for me. It's all the little things that make a difference. For me it's just people acknowledging the pain and difficult road I'm on.
Dayton isn't going to let us get your headstone, mamacita. He won't tell us exactly why, we have a few guesses as to what his reasons are, but either way, they are selfish. I feel that it's so disrespectful to you to not have a headstone there after 5 months, and now it won't be there over the winter. I know you're not physically there, but I need everyone who passes by there to know who's buried there and to know that you were not insignificant, that you were loved beyond measure, and to see your name there. It was killing me to think of your body being there over the long, cold, dark winter with no name, no visitors of anything. The worst part is going to be Christmas. Knowing that your body is there, instead of here with us. I know I need to change my perspective and realize that you get to celebrate Christmas with Jesus, Himself this year, and I'm sure there's nothing better than that. However, it's going to be a difficult season for all of us back here. Dayton has taken the right to see your name there, to show you the respect that you deserve, away from me, so to take back some of my power, Dave and I have decided to plant a pink spirus crabapple tree in the back yard. I wanted to do it this weekend, but the place we're going to get it from won't have any instock for a week or so. I saved all the money I got in memorial gifts after your death, and put the money in an envelope for this very reason. I researched a lot of trees and found the perfect one. This tree doesn't drop its fruit and always is blooming over Mother's Day. It's truly beautiful. It will be my place to go be with you. And everytime I see it this winter it will bring me hope for the spring when it will bloom and we will finally have your headstone in place.
Well momma, I got a long time alone this morning to write to you and talk to you, and Monster Max is waking up, so I gotta go. I will talk to you soon, until then know that you are in my heart and thoughts always..
Love and Beautiful Trees,
Erika
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sadness and Strife
Dear Mamacita,
Life just isn't getting easier for me and Dave. Yesterday morning Sue's husband Dave died of a sudden heart attack. He was only 47 years old. My heart is hurting so much for the pain I see and feel in Dave, Sue, Rach, Becca.....everyone. I am so incredibly sad for the path that Rach and Becca have to walk now, without their dad. I know the pain they are in for now. I will be there for them in every single way that I can to help them know that they aren't alone, and they will make it through this dark time of their lives. My heart breaks for Sue. She knew Dave for 31 years. That's a long time to love someone and lose your husband and best friend. I miss Dave so much too. In the last five months we have grown so much closer. He was the only one in our family that had lost a parent, and whenever we saw each other he would slide an arm around me and look me in the eyes and ask me how I was doing. And I knew I didn't have to explain my feelings to him. He just "got" it. He just knew what was on my mind. I will miss his quiet, loving way, his funny sense of humor that would make you take a double take, and how his smile always reached his eyes. He will be missed so badly by so many people. If you see him up there mom, give him a hug from all of us, and "show him the ropes" of Heaven.
It's fall now mom. This was always our favorite time of year. You loved how dry and crisp the air felt and of course, the beautiful fall colors. Dave just reminded me that next Tuesday is my birthday. It shocked me. It doesn't seem possible that it's been almost a year since that terrible day a year ago when our lives began to spiral downwards. I don't want it to be fall. I don't want to see the leaves change color. It shouldn't be happening without you. I still picture you here with me, wearing that beautiful perfect fall red sweater and a pair of jeans, sitting at my table having coffee with me and just chatting about life, love , Monster Max, and Sam Sam. I loved our chats and miss them so incredibly much. Just having you here in my house, laughing and talking with me was the best feeling ever! I always felt so loved and supported by being with you. The boys would just light up when you would walk in the door. I will never forget the look on your face every single time you came in the house and saw the boys. The was just a look of complete joy and love on your face and in your eyes. It was like your heart had come home. The four of us were together, and life was good. The world felt like it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Do you think it will ever feel like that again? I just don't know mom. Maybe someday when I'm a nana and I'm sitting in one of my son's houses with them and their kids... Hard to even imagine at this point.
I decided how I want to spend my birthday this year mom. Dave and I are going to take the day off of work and school, take the kids to school and daycare, and then drive down to Stillwater for the day. We love it down there! We're going to have lunch at Smalley's Caribbean BBQ and Pirate Bar, and just walk around and see what we see. I didn't want to be alone on this anniversary of something so sad, and I didn't want to be at work, because my heart wouldn't be in it. So I'm really looking forward to some alone time with Dave.
We still haven't finished dealing with your headstone issue. Dayton refuses to sign the damn contract and write the check and send it in. We even told him that we would pay for it, and that just made him blow up, saying "he's a big boy and doesn't need anyone to take care of his problems" etc. etc. I can't even tell you how irate I am over this situation mom. I feel like he doesn't give a damn how I feel, and that I need this headstone to be there to heal part of my heart. He told the funeral director yesterday that "it's just too soon" for him. WTH??!!!?? It's been 5 months and he's dating someone, so it's not like he's wallowing in sorrow or self-pity at home and can't function with the grief. Why won't he do this momma? He just seems so selfish and self-absorbed right now. I don't think he truly understands how I feel and how incredibly hard this has been and is for me.
I have a request mom. Can you please check in with God, after choir practice, and ask for some special favors? We need some help down here. I need help with Dayton, and my husband and his side of our family is hurting. I pray for comfort for all of them that are hurting. Please let me feel your love around me mom. I need you. Now more than ever....
Love and Mixed Feelings of Fall,
Erika
Life just isn't getting easier for me and Dave. Yesterday morning Sue's husband Dave died of a sudden heart attack. He was only 47 years old. My heart is hurting so much for the pain I see and feel in Dave, Sue, Rach, Becca.....everyone. I am so incredibly sad for the path that Rach and Becca have to walk now, without their dad. I know the pain they are in for now. I will be there for them in every single way that I can to help them know that they aren't alone, and they will make it through this dark time of their lives. My heart breaks for Sue. She knew Dave for 31 years. That's a long time to love someone and lose your husband and best friend. I miss Dave so much too. In the last five months we have grown so much closer. He was the only one in our family that had lost a parent, and whenever we saw each other he would slide an arm around me and look me in the eyes and ask me how I was doing. And I knew I didn't have to explain my feelings to him. He just "got" it. He just knew what was on my mind. I will miss his quiet, loving way, his funny sense of humor that would make you take a double take, and how his smile always reached his eyes. He will be missed so badly by so many people. If you see him up there mom, give him a hug from all of us, and "show him the ropes" of Heaven.
It's fall now mom. This was always our favorite time of year. You loved how dry and crisp the air felt and of course, the beautiful fall colors. Dave just reminded me that next Tuesday is my birthday. It shocked me. It doesn't seem possible that it's been almost a year since that terrible day a year ago when our lives began to spiral downwards. I don't want it to be fall. I don't want to see the leaves change color. It shouldn't be happening without you. I still picture you here with me, wearing that beautiful perfect fall red sweater and a pair of jeans, sitting at my table having coffee with me and just chatting about life, love , Monster Max, and Sam Sam. I loved our chats and miss them so incredibly much. Just having you here in my house, laughing and talking with me was the best feeling ever! I always felt so loved and supported by being with you. The boys would just light up when you would walk in the door. I will never forget the look on your face every single time you came in the house and saw the boys. The was just a look of complete joy and love on your face and in your eyes. It was like your heart had come home. The four of us were together, and life was good. The world felt like it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Do you think it will ever feel like that again? I just don't know mom. Maybe someday when I'm a nana and I'm sitting in one of my son's houses with them and their kids... Hard to even imagine at this point.
I decided how I want to spend my birthday this year mom. Dave and I are going to take the day off of work and school, take the kids to school and daycare, and then drive down to Stillwater for the day. We love it down there! We're going to have lunch at Smalley's Caribbean BBQ and Pirate Bar, and just walk around and see what we see. I didn't want to be alone on this anniversary of something so sad, and I didn't want to be at work, because my heart wouldn't be in it. So I'm really looking forward to some alone time with Dave.
We still haven't finished dealing with your headstone issue. Dayton refuses to sign the damn contract and write the check and send it in. We even told him that we would pay for it, and that just made him blow up, saying "he's a big boy and doesn't need anyone to take care of his problems" etc. etc. I can't even tell you how irate I am over this situation mom. I feel like he doesn't give a damn how I feel, and that I need this headstone to be there to heal part of my heart. He told the funeral director yesterday that "it's just too soon" for him. WTH??!!!?? It's been 5 months and he's dating someone, so it's not like he's wallowing in sorrow or self-pity at home and can't function with the grief. Why won't he do this momma? He just seems so selfish and self-absorbed right now. I don't think he truly understands how I feel and how incredibly hard this has been and is for me.
I have a request mom. Can you please check in with God, after choir practice, and ask for some special favors? We need some help down here. I need help with Dayton, and my husband and his side of our family is hurting. I pray for comfort for all of them that are hurting. Please let me feel your love around me mom. I need you. Now more than ever....
Love and Mixed Feelings of Fall,
Erika
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
5 months
Dear Mamacita,
It's been 5 months, mom. You have been free for 5 months now. Free from pain, procedures, doctors, humiliation and fear. And I know that you are in an amazing place now mom. You are young, beautiful, perfectly healthy, and completely happy in the arms of God. For that, I am grateful. However, these have been the worst 5 months of my entire life. I miss our relationship so incredibly much! There are still a billion times a day I want to call you, text you, or see you just to tell you something or hear the love in your voice when you say "Hi Sweetie" when you answer the phone. Sometimes I think I could cry for days without stopping. There are times that I just want to be alone for a week, a month...just to be alone with my grief. I want to escape from all the other demands in my life and be able to concentrate just on my heart. Maybe I'm just fooling myself or wishing too hard, but sometimes I think that if I could just be alone, sitting on the flat rocks in Grand Marais, with nothing and no one around me that I could sense you and communicate with you somehow. Do you think God would allow that mom? When do I get to see you again? When will my heart start to heal?
Someone I trust confided in me that when she was going through a very difficult time in her life, she also had trouble feeling God. She said her faith had become "just" an intellectual thing, rather than an emotional connection to God. She said that just believing that God is there and is somehow taking care of everything counts as faith. She talked about how the fear felt cold to her. And that somehow with time she slowly began to trust life again. To trust God again. She was able to verbalize what I have been feeling. I don't trust that life won't keep taking things, taking people from me. Maybe instead of the word Life, the name God could be exchanged. Maybe I don't trust God with my whole heart right now. How do I learn to trust again? I know He is with me, and is taking care of me and was merciful with us during this whole experience, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's going to be next? Who will leave me next? You and Dave were the closest people to me in my whole world. You two were the the most significant people in my life, and now half of you are gone. Dave is all I have left. I am so lucky to have him. My world would be shattered if he wasn't in my life..
I would never abandon my God, my faith.. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take. I know our fragile human hearts can withstand amazing amounts of pain. I know I need to lay my hurt and anger, loneliness and sadness at Jesus' feet and ask Him to take it all away. Do you think God is listening mom? Do you think He has time for my insignificant little broken heart? In the scope of the world's problems, where does my broken heart rank in God's "To Do" list?
I keep telling myself that I'm going to write you a positive letter, that you're probably tired of just hearing about all the pain.. But then one of my best friends told me I didn't have to do that, and gave me permission to spew my pain, loneliness and anger in these letters to you.
I miss you mom. I'm 5 months closer to seeing you again. I know you're right around the corner, just waiting for me. Do you miss me there, or is that not even possible where you are? Do you feel me? Do you see me and my boys? So many questions..and after 5 months, I'm still not any closer to answering them.
Good night mom. Tomorrow is a new day...
All My Love,
Erika
It's been 5 months, mom. You have been free for 5 months now. Free from pain, procedures, doctors, humiliation and fear. And I know that you are in an amazing place now mom. You are young, beautiful, perfectly healthy, and completely happy in the arms of God. For that, I am grateful. However, these have been the worst 5 months of my entire life. I miss our relationship so incredibly much! There are still a billion times a day I want to call you, text you, or see you just to tell you something or hear the love in your voice when you say "Hi Sweetie" when you answer the phone. Sometimes I think I could cry for days without stopping. There are times that I just want to be alone for a week, a month...just to be alone with my grief. I want to escape from all the other demands in my life and be able to concentrate just on my heart. Maybe I'm just fooling myself or wishing too hard, but sometimes I think that if I could just be alone, sitting on the flat rocks in Grand Marais, with nothing and no one around me that I could sense you and communicate with you somehow. Do you think God would allow that mom? When do I get to see you again? When will my heart start to heal?
Someone I trust confided in me that when she was going through a very difficult time in her life, she also had trouble feeling God. She said her faith had become "just" an intellectual thing, rather than an emotional connection to God. She said that just believing that God is there and is somehow taking care of everything counts as faith. She talked about how the fear felt cold to her. And that somehow with time she slowly began to trust life again. To trust God again. She was able to verbalize what I have been feeling. I don't trust that life won't keep taking things, taking people from me. Maybe instead of the word Life, the name God could be exchanged. Maybe I don't trust God with my whole heart right now. How do I learn to trust again? I know He is with me, and is taking care of me and was merciful with us during this whole experience, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's going to be next? Who will leave me next? You and Dave were the closest people to me in my whole world. You two were the the most significant people in my life, and now half of you are gone. Dave is all I have left. I am so lucky to have him. My world would be shattered if he wasn't in my life..
I would never abandon my God, my faith.. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take. I know our fragile human hearts can withstand amazing amounts of pain. I know I need to lay my hurt and anger, loneliness and sadness at Jesus' feet and ask Him to take it all away. Do you think God is listening mom? Do you think He has time for my insignificant little broken heart? In the scope of the world's problems, where does my broken heart rank in God's "To Do" list?
I keep telling myself that I'm going to write you a positive letter, that you're probably tired of just hearing about all the pain.. But then one of my best friends told me I didn't have to do that, and gave me permission to spew my pain, loneliness and anger in these letters to you.
I miss you mom. I'm 5 months closer to seeing you again. I know you're right around the corner, just waiting for me. Do you miss me there, or is that not even possible where you are? Do you feel me? Do you see me and my boys? So many questions..and after 5 months, I'm still not any closer to answering them.
Good night mom. Tomorrow is a new day...
All My Love,
Erika
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Spiritually Deaf
Dear Mamacita,
Today I went back to church for the first time since, well...what seems like forever. I stopped going when you got really sick. There didn't seem to be any time and if there was some down time I just wanted to be at home. Then when you died, I had a lot of issues with going to church again. I guess in this letter I'd like to tell you about where I'm at with God, mom. You and I used to have such amazing conversations... Sometimes they'd be lighthearted and funny, and sometimes they were deep...trying to figure out things maybe we aren't meant to know in this lifetime.
I've told you before that I'm not angry at God for taking you home to be with Him. I know that was merciful on His part. I know He didn't make you sick. Here's where I have the problem, mom. I don't hear Him anymore. I don't hear you anymore. I know that God hasn't left me for one single moment during this last sad year of my life. But, I can't feel Him. I can't feel you. I feel so incredibly lonely for both of you. Why can't I feel and hear God, mom? The more I try to hear Him, and don't, the angrier I get. The more I try to sense your presence and don't, the more frustrated and sad I become. I talk to God, mom. I pray for others, I pray for my family and even strangers I see on the street. I'll see a teenage girl walking down the sidewalk and pray that God brings good things into her life and keep her safe. Maybe I just haven't asked Him to help me. Maybe He is helping me and I just can't tell. I pray that He will let me sense you near me, but I haven't. Why won't He allow that mom? I wouldn't be afraid if I sensed you in the room with me. I would feel comforted I think. The silence I feel from God and you makes me feel insignificant. I'm sure God has way more important things to be handling than my sad and hurting heart. I have repeatedly said that I'm not angry with God, but I guess I am. Just because I feel so distant from Him and you. Why won't He talk to me, or comfort me, or let you visit me? And if you have, why can't I feel it???
It was good to be at church again today. I loved seeing some friends there. However I was expecting an emotional reunion between me and God, and that didn't happen. There have been so many times at church that I have felt the Holy Spirit there in our midst, but I couldn't sense that today. I left feeling a little disappointed that I didn't feel God there either. I was happy that my boys loved being back. But I felt numb as I left.
I've got a lot on my heart right now. We are having some serious issues with a family member, concerning your headstone, and I don't know how that's going to be resolved. It will all come to a head this week though. Also, Tuesday will be 5 months since you've died. That doesn't seem possible. I hate every minute of this mom. My chest hurts tonight. I need to go to bed and blackout for awhile and escape the heartache for awhile.
I love you more than anything mamacita. You were my mom and best friend. Please visit me when you can.......even if it's in my dreams.
Love and tight hugs,
Lucita
Today I went back to church for the first time since, well...what seems like forever. I stopped going when you got really sick. There didn't seem to be any time and if there was some down time I just wanted to be at home. Then when you died, I had a lot of issues with going to church again. I guess in this letter I'd like to tell you about where I'm at with God, mom. You and I used to have such amazing conversations... Sometimes they'd be lighthearted and funny, and sometimes they were deep...trying to figure out things maybe we aren't meant to know in this lifetime.
I've told you before that I'm not angry at God for taking you home to be with Him. I know that was merciful on His part. I know He didn't make you sick. Here's where I have the problem, mom. I don't hear Him anymore. I don't hear you anymore. I know that God hasn't left me for one single moment during this last sad year of my life. But, I can't feel Him. I can't feel you. I feel so incredibly lonely for both of you. Why can't I feel and hear God, mom? The more I try to hear Him, and don't, the angrier I get. The more I try to sense your presence and don't, the more frustrated and sad I become. I talk to God, mom. I pray for others, I pray for my family and even strangers I see on the street. I'll see a teenage girl walking down the sidewalk and pray that God brings good things into her life and keep her safe. Maybe I just haven't asked Him to help me. Maybe He is helping me and I just can't tell. I pray that He will let me sense you near me, but I haven't. Why won't He allow that mom? I wouldn't be afraid if I sensed you in the room with me. I would feel comforted I think. The silence I feel from God and you makes me feel insignificant. I'm sure God has way more important things to be handling than my sad and hurting heart. I have repeatedly said that I'm not angry with God, but I guess I am. Just because I feel so distant from Him and you. Why won't He talk to me, or comfort me, or let you visit me? And if you have, why can't I feel it???
It was good to be at church again today. I loved seeing some friends there. However I was expecting an emotional reunion between me and God, and that didn't happen. There have been so many times at church that I have felt the Holy Spirit there in our midst, but I couldn't sense that today. I left feeling a little disappointed that I didn't feel God there either. I was happy that my boys loved being back. But I felt numb as I left.
I've got a lot on my heart right now. We are having some serious issues with a family member, concerning your headstone, and I don't know how that's going to be resolved. It will all come to a head this week though. Also, Tuesday will be 5 months since you've died. That doesn't seem possible. I hate every minute of this mom. My chest hurts tonight. I need to go to bed and blackout for awhile and escape the heartache for awhile.
I love you more than anything mamacita. You were my mom and best friend. Please visit me when you can.......even if it's in my dreams.
Love and tight hugs,
Lucita
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Empty
Dear Mamacita,
I feel empty today. It's been one of those days where nothing feels right, and the anxiety is always just right there hiding beneath the surface. I miss everything that was you. I. want to talk to you on the phone and hear your voice. I want to feel your arms around me. I feel like a little kid, I want to crawl onto the couch with you and just snuggle. Even if you couldn't talk to me I just want to lay with you and snuggle and feel your warmth and tell you over and over how much I love and adore you.
On your birthday you held me while I cried, and I said "I don't think I can do this, Mom.." and you said "You'll be ok, baby.." When will that be mom? I feel so lonely for you, no one understands the relationship that we had. No one knows exactly how much I love and need you. Every single minute I long to hear your laughter, hear you say my name, hear you say I love you, just one more time. I wish I could dream of you mom. I wish I could have a really really good dream about you and me. I need you mamacita. I need to feel your presence. Do you know how broken my heart really is? If you do, I'm sure it makes you so sad. You told me not to be sad forever. I said I wouldn't, but I had no idea the pain would be like this.
Why did it have to end like this mom? Why did it have to be you? I feel like my kids have been robbed of the honor of growing up with you in their lives. I feel angry that you won't be there for all the milestones and all the little moments too. I get so angry that I just want to scream and curse and smash stuff. The emotions are so intense at times it feels like I can't contain them inside my heart and brain. The anger is white hot sometimes. And the sadness can be as blue as the night sky. Sometimes my chest hurts so bad that I think something may be physically wrong with me. The only escape I have is at night when I take 2 xanax and fall into a black sleep.
I don't want to leave my kids and my family and friends here, but I just long to be with you, in place of eternal peace and healing. I want to find you again and feel whole again. I want you here in my life. I need you mom. What am I supposed to do about that? What can I do about my grief? What can I do about the pain? What am I supposed to do when my kids ask for you and I can't explain it to them? So many questions and no freakin answers. I'm done mom. There's nothing left in me tonight except pain and emptiness. I'm done trying to explain how to I feel to others. Sad doesn't cover it, angry doesn't cover it, heartbroken doesn't cover it. It's all those things multiplied by a billion.
One final thought of the night mom.... a quote you would agree with..
"Grief is the price we pay for love." Queen Elizabeth II
Love,
Me
I feel empty today. It's been one of those days where nothing feels right, and the anxiety is always just right there hiding beneath the surface. I miss everything that was you. I. want to talk to you on the phone and hear your voice. I want to feel your arms around me. I feel like a little kid, I want to crawl onto the couch with you and just snuggle. Even if you couldn't talk to me I just want to lay with you and snuggle and feel your warmth and tell you over and over how much I love and adore you.
On your birthday you held me while I cried, and I said "I don't think I can do this, Mom.." and you said "You'll be ok, baby.." When will that be mom? I feel so lonely for you, no one understands the relationship that we had. No one knows exactly how much I love and need you. Every single minute I long to hear your laughter, hear you say my name, hear you say I love you, just one more time. I wish I could dream of you mom. I wish I could have a really really good dream about you and me. I need you mamacita. I need to feel your presence. Do you know how broken my heart really is? If you do, I'm sure it makes you so sad. You told me not to be sad forever. I said I wouldn't, but I had no idea the pain would be like this.
Why did it have to end like this mom? Why did it have to be you? I feel like my kids have been robbed of the honor of growing up with you in their lives. I feel angry that you won't be there for all the milestones and all the little moments too. I get so angry that I just want to scream and curse and smash stuff. The emotions are so intense at times it feels like I can't contain them inside my heart and brain. The anger is white hot sometimes. And the sadness can be as blue as the night sky. Sometimes my chest hurts so bad that I think something may be physically wrong with me. The only escape I have is at night when I take 2 xanax and fall into a black sleep.
I don't want to leave my kids and my family and friends here, but I just long to be with you, in place of eternal peace and healing. I want to find you again and feel whole again. I want you here in my life. I need you mom. What am I supposed to do about that? What can I do about my grief? What can I do about the pain? What am I supposed to do when my kids ask for you and I can't explain it to them? So many questions and no freakin answers. I'm done mom. There's nothing left in me tonight except pain and emptiness. I'm done trying to explain how to I feel to others. Sad doesn't cover it, angry doesn't cover it, heartbroken doesn't cover it. It's all those things multiplied by a billion.
One final thought of the night mom.... a quote you would agree with..
"Grief is the price we pay for love." Queen Elizabeth II
Love,
Me
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A New Year
Dear Mamacita,
Today was the second day of school. Yesterday I was a mess. I was so very anxious, nervous, excited, and sad all at once. I felt sick to my stomach all morning. I was anxious and nervous because I didn't know what to expect from these 5th graders. I wasn't sure I knew how to talk to them, what they would be like, and if they would like me too. I know that's insecure of me, but it is what it is. I was so sad because this is the first school year I have ever started without you. Since my first day of kindergarten through my first day of student teaching, you were there for me. You always had such complete faith and belief in me. You always thought I could do anything. You encouraged me and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You were always so interested in every detail of my and Sam's days at school. You loved the funny stories and when I would tell you frustrating stories of things that had happened during the day you would help me find the humor in it all. You were so insightful and I miss you so much. I wish you were here to decompress with. I want to go over everything with you. I feel like there is so much that you are missing, that you don't know. It scares me that you might not know what's going on in my life.
I am missing telling you my Monster Max stories. For example, tonight after dinner I started clearing the dishes from the table and Max ran and sat next to Sam on the big chair. We had a feeling he needed to use the potty but he didn't say anything so I walked over there and he had already started going pee and poop in his undies! So I ran him into the bathroom and had to dig a huge chunk of poop out of his undies using some toilet paper! I know if I would have called you, you would have burst out laughing and made me see the humor in it, and that would have made me love you and Max even more.
When I was missing you really bad on Tuesday morning, I told a friend of mine that I really needed you with me, and she said "she's in your heart and soul, and the only difference is this year she gets to be in your classroom with you!" That thought was so comforting! I don't know if you have been visiting me in my class, but everything has gone really well. I have been feeling happy at school these last two days and feeling like I may just have found my place. I wish I could look in your eyes as I tell you all this. I guess I will just have to hope you're in my classroom and in my heart. If I could ask one thing of you mom, it would be for you to look in on Sam during his days at school. I worry about him. I know he's trying so hard socially right now. I know it's so stressful for him. I hope you're there to lay your hand on his shoulder and guide him through all the social situations that he needs help with. He misses you so bad too mom. He talks about you all the time. He told me his wish for this school year was that you were still alive. I didn't even know what to say to that. I just tried not to cry.
I also just went to our first family get together without you there. The vibe was totally different without you there. When things got silly or exasperating, you weren't there to make eye contact with and laugh with. Missing you doesn't begin to cover how I feel about not having you here. It feels like the light in my life is now dim. There's still light, it's just not as bright. I'm not sure it ever will be as bright as when you were in my life.
There's so much pain and trouble in life right now. Adam is hurting both himself and Dayton so much. I know this can only end one way for him. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later. Dayton can't take it, and I can barely take the stress of dealing with the fallout. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not responsible for either one of their actions and can't control either one of them. I can't make either of them do the right thing.
I know that God didn't take you away from me. I know He didn't make you sick, and He didn't want for any of us to suffer. I know He has been merciful in this whole journey. He can't give me you back, but someday, He will take me to be with you and Him. Until then he has made my earthly relationships so much better. I feel so much closer to so many people. My "Fristas", brothers-in-law, friends, and aunts, uncles, and some cousins. People have been there for me in ways I never could have anticipated or imagined. I have never felt more loved by these people than I do now in my life. Losing you has made me realize just exactly how much I love and need these people in my life. I know they haven't changed, I have. There is a whole new place in my heart for love and understanding. I can't change the fact that I haven't always been there for other people when they really needed it, but now I get it. I don't think a person can truly understand what someone is going through unless they have experienced a traumatic and significant loss in their own lives. The people in my life that haven't ever lost someone they were close to, or gone through a life changing situation, have no idea how much I hurt and how much the human soul can endure. My co-workers are so wonderful. I am still amazed that when you died I had only known these people for 7 months and so many of them came to your visitation. I totally didn't expect it, but seeing them there meant so much to me. I know I have found my place as a teacher. I love them there at school, and don't want to be anywhere else. My girlfriends are amazing. I can call/text/email them when I'm hyper, happy, scared, or having a nervous breakdown. I know that they are just a text or phone call away. I would not be in the place I'm in today if not for them. I pray for blessings in their lives everyday.
I miss you Mamacita. I need to get ready for school tomorrow and get some lesson plans ready. Please visit me in my dreams mom. I need you....
Love and More Love,
Erika
Today was the second day of school. Yesterday I was a mess. I was so very anxious, nervous, excited, and sad all at once. I felt sick to my stomach all morning. I was anxious and nervous because I didn't know what to expect from these 5th graders. I wasn't sure I knew how to talk to them, what they would be like, and if they would like me too. I know that's insecure of me, but it is what it is. I was so sad because this is the first school year I have ever started without you. Since my first day of kindergarten through my first day of student teaching, you were there for me. You always had such complete faith and belief in me. You always thought I could do anything. You encouraged me and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You were always so interested in every detail of my and Sam's days at school. You loved the funny stories and when I would tell you frustrating stories of things that had happened during the day you would help me find the humor in it all. You were so insightful and I miss you so much. I wish you were here to decompress with. I want to go over everything with you. I feel like there is so much that you are missing, that you don't know. It scares me that you might not know what's going on in my life.
I am missing telling you my Monster Max stories. For example, tonight after dinner I started clearing the dishes from the table and Max ran and sat next to Sam on the big chair. We had a feeling he needed to use the potty but he didn't say anything so I walked over there and he had already started going pee and poop in his undies! So I ran him into the bathroom and had to dig a huge chunk of poop out of his undies using some toilet paper! I know if I would have called you, you would have burst out laughing and made me see the humor in it, and that would have made me love you and Max even more.
When I was missing you really bad on Tuesday morning, I told a friend of mine that I really needed you with me, and she said "she's in your heart and soul, and the only difference is this year she gets to be in your classroom with you!" That thought was so comforting! I don't know if you have been visiting me in my class, but everything has gone really well. I have been feeling happy at school these last two days and feeling like I may just have found my place. I wish I could look in your eyes as I tell you all this. I guess I will just have to hope you're in my classroom and in my heart. If I could ask one thing of you mom, it would be for you to look in on Sam during his days at school. I worry about him. I know he's trying so hard socially right now. I know it's so stressful for him. I hope you're there to lay your hand on his shoulder and guide him through all the social situations that he needs help with. He misses you so bad too mom. He talks about you all the time. He told me his wish for this school year was that you were still alive. I didn't even know what to say to that. I just tried not to cry.
I also just went to our first family get together without you there. The vibe was totally different without you there. When things got silly or exasperating, you weren't there to make eye contact with and laugh with. Missing you doesn't begin to cover how I feel about not having you here. It feels like the light in my life is now dim. There's still light, it's just not as bright. I'm not sure it ever will be as bright as when you were in my life.
There's so much pain and trouble in life right now. Adam is hurting both himself and Dayton so much. I know this can only end one way for him. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later. Dayton can't take it, and I can barely take the stress of dealing with the fallout. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not responsible for either one of their actions and can't control either one of them. I can't make either of them do the right thing.
I know that God didn't take you away from me. I know He didn't make you sick, and He didn't want for any of us to suffer. I know He has been merciful in this whole journey. He can't give me you back, but someday, He will take me to be with you and Him. Until then he has made my earthly relationships so much better. I feel so much closer to so many people. My "Fristas", brothers-in-law, friends, and aunts, uncles, and some cousins. People have been there for me in ways I never could have anticipated or imagined. I have never felt more loved by these people than I do now in my life. Losing you has made me realize just exactly how much I love and need these people in my life. I know they haven't changed, I have. There is a whole new place in my heart for love and understanding. I can't change the fact that I haven't always been there for other people when they really needed it, but now I get it. I don't think a person can truly understand what someone is going through unless they have experienced a traumatic and significant loss in their own lives. The people in my life that haven't ever lost someone they were close to, or gone through a life changing situation, have no idea how much I hurt and how much the human soul can endure. My co-workers are so wonderful. I am still amazed that when you died I had only known these people for 7 months and so many of them came to your visitation. I totally didn't expect it, but seeing them there meant so much to me. I know I have found my place as a teacher. I love them there at school, and don't want to be anywhere else. My girlfriends are amazing. I can call/text/email them when I'm hyper, happy, scared, or having a nervous breakdown. I know that they are just a text or phone call away. I would not be in the place I'm in today if not for them. I pray for blessings in their lives everyday.
I miss you Mamacita. I need to get ready for school tomorrow and get some lesson plans ready. Please visit me in my dreams mom. I need you....
Love and More Love,
Erika
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Blue
Dear Mamacita,
I'm feeling stressed and tired and lonely and anxious today. I had a couple of doctor appointments on Thursday to evaluate how I'm doing both physically and emotionally. The verdict? Well that depends on how you look at things. My primary care doctor increased my dosage of Celexa, for depression, from 40mg to 60mg and also increased my Xanax dosage because of my increased anxiety levels. My fingernail cuticles are a direct reflection of my anxiety and right now they are at an embarrassing level of torn up. Nothing feels right in my life right now.
I'm starting the bowling league tonight but it's hard to get excited about it because the fun that I should be having there feels fake. I have become good at faking fun. I love the people there that I'm bowling with, and I know they love me, but it's still hard. But what choices do I really have mom? I could stay home forever and cry and be sad and angry, or I can try. I can try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making the effort at participating in life.
If I could I would just run away. Everything is very overwhelming to me momma. I'm stressed to the max about potty training, getting ready to go back to school, money issues, anxiety, Adam, my dad, and dealing with fighting kids all the time. If I could I would run away to Grand Marais. I would go to the special place that Dave and I have, out on the huge flat rocks, where he surprised me with a special gift one time. I want to be there and just not see another person. I want to hear the waves crashing on the rocky shore and the seagulls calling from all around. I just want to be alone with my grief and try to figure things out, mom.
All of my heart longs to be with you. Would I find you there in my heart? When will God allow you to come to me, so I can feel your presence? I just need a sign that you're still aware that I am here where you are not, I need a sign that you understand my broken heart and are still here for me. Why haven't I been able to feel you yet momma? How long do I have to wait? It's been four months and all it's been is pain and more pain.
I sometimes wonder if my family and closest friends are tired of hearing about it, and just want me to "move on" or "get over it". I hope they don't feel that way, but I'm not sure. I try not to bring up you or my grief, but it takes up almost all of my heart and all of my brain. Your name is always on the tip of my tongue.
I am afraid a lot, mom. I'm afraid of so many things. I am scared that people will stop talking about you. I am afraid that we will forget the little things that make you, you. I am afraid that as time goes by, people just won't remember or care that I still hurt and this has been a life changing loss for me. I may look the same on the outside, but on the inside, I can never ever go back to who I was a year ago. That girl doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes I see flashes of her, but the new me is so different. I feel like I'm more cynical, irritable, short tempered, scared, and angry. I know I have to resist the urge to push people away. I know I shouldn't test people's love for me by trying to see if I can make them leave me. I wouldn't say that I'm used to the people I love leaving me, but I'm starting to expect it. I've even thought about who will probably be next to leave.
What is permanent in this world, mom? Nothing. I know God is the only constant, but I feel distant, even from Him. I know I could just ask Him in, and he is waiting for me to do just that, but there's so much anger and hurt, I'm not sure how. I'm tired momma. I'm emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually tired. Sometimes I feel like I've got nothing left. The demands keep piling up, but I've got nothing left to give. I wonder if my eyes look as hollow as I feel inside. I know you would be so sad to read this, to hear this, but I don't know how to make it better mom. I can't just make myself "be happy". "They" keep telling me it's just a process... that maybe after a year I will feel better. I hope so. My world hurts right now. I miss you more than I can express with words mom. I miss picking up the phone and telling you all my hurts and worries. Even if you couldn't fix them, I still felt loved and not alone after talking to you. There isn't a price tag I wouldn't pay to have an hour long convo with you again. ..
Waiting for your love,
Erika
I'm feeling stressed and tired and lonely and anxious today. I had a couple of doctor appointments on Thursday to evaluate how I'm doing both physically and emotionally. The verdict? Well that depends on how you look at things. My primary care doctor increased my dosage of Celexa, for depression, from 40mg to 60mg and also increased my Xanax dosage because of my increased anxiety levels. My fingernail cuticles are a direct reflection of my anxiety and right now they are at an embarrassing level of torn up. Nothing feels right in my life right now.
I'm starting the bowling league tonight but it's hard to get excited about it because the fun that I should be having there feels fake. I have become good at faking fun. I love the people there that I'm bowling with, and I know they love me, but it's still hard. But what choices do I really have mom? I could stay home forever and cry and be sad and angry, or I can try. I can try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making the effort at participating in life.
If I could I would just run away. Everything is very overwhelming to me momma. I'm stressed to the max about potty training, getting ready to go back to school, money issues, anxiety, Adam, my dad, and dealing with fighting kids all the time. If I could I would run away to Grand Marais. I would go to the special place that Dave and I have, out on the huge flat rocks, where he surprised me with a special gift one time. I want to be there and just not see another person. I want to hear the waves crashing on the rocky shore and the seagulls calling from all around. I just want to be alone with my grief and try to figure things out, mom.
All of my heart longs to be with you. Would I find you there in my heart? When will God allow you to come to me, so I can feel your presence? I just need a sign that you're still aware that I am here where you are not, I need a sign that you understand my broken heart and are still here for me. Why haven't I been able to feel you yet momma? How long do I have to wait? It's been four months and all it's been is pain and more pain.
I sometimes wonder if my family and closest friends are tired of hearing about it, and just want me to "move on" or "get over it". I hope they don't feel that way, but I'm not sure. I try not to bring up you or my grief, but it takes up almost all of my heart and all of my brain. Your name is always on the tip of my tongue.
I am afraid a lot, mom. I'm afraid of so many things. I am scared that people will stop talking about you. I am afraid that we will forget the little things that make you, you. I am afraid that as time goes by, people just won't remember or care that I still hurt and this has been a life changing loss for me. I may look the same on the outside, but on the inside, I can never ever go back to who I was a year ago. That girl doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes I see flashes of her, but the new me is so different. I feel like I'm more cynical, irritable, short tempered, scared, and angry. I know I have to resist the urge to push people away. I know I shouldn't test people's love for me by trying to see if I can make them leave me. I wouldn't say that I'm used to the people I love leaving me, but I'm starting to expect it. I've even thought about who will probably be next to leave.
What is permanent in this world, mom? Nothing. I know God is the only constant, but I feel distant, even from Him. I know I could just ask Him in, and he is waiting for me to do just that, but there's so much anger and hurt, I'm not sure how. I'm tired momma. I'm emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually tired. Sometimes I feel like I've got nothing left. The demands keep piling up, but I've got nothing left to give. I wonder if my eyes look as hollow as I feel inside. I know you would be so sad to read this, to hear this, but I don't know how to make it better mom. I can't just make myself "be happy". "They" keep telling me it's just a process... that maybe after a year I will feel better. I hope so. My world hurts right now. I miss you more than I can express with words mom. I miss picking up the phone and telling you all my hurts and worries. Even if you couldn't fix them, I still felt loved and not alone after talking to you. There isn't a price tag I wouldn't pay to have an hour long convo with you again. ..
Waiting for your love,
Erika
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Happy Hour
Dear Mamacita,
Today was a very trying day. Potty training isn't going well. Monster Max is very stubborn and I am impatient. Bad combination! I went through two pairs of pants, four pairs of socks, 3 pairs of Max's socks, and five pairs of Max's undies. After so many frustrating hours of potty training I decided to go with Plan B. Plan B involves Xanax and using pull-ups until he figures out how to do this whole potty training thing. And the ironic thing is that once I decided that, I took a half of a Xanax and put Max on the potty chair before his nap. He took a huge poopie and was so excited about it that he stood up while he was still peeing and peed in a circle while exclaiming "Mom! Look at my huge poop!!" over and over! I laughed so hard. Then of course I took a pic of it on my camera phone and sent it to Dave! I would have loved to see his face when he downloaded the pic and realized I sent him a pic of a turd! *laughing* Then a little while later I put him on the potty again and peed a ton! It's 7:42 p.m. and he hasn't had another accident yet. Maybe it's the pull-ups, or maybe it's because I'm relaxed since I had decided to hand Max over to his daycare lady and tell her I failed and it's up to her to teach my son to use the potty, but for whatever reason, we've had 4 successes this afternoon and evening.
So I was stressed and sad by the time Dave got home this evening, but then the kiddos wanted to get out and play, so we sent them outside and then sat on the deck watching them while having a drink and listening to some relaxing music (Guggenheim Grotto, but that probably doesn't mean anything to you). We were able to have some nice adult conversation and just relax while the kids pretended to shoot the bad guys all over the yard! Then we grilled some chicken and sat on the deck and ate dinner. It was a perfect evening, mom. One that I know you would have loved to join us for. I pictured you sitting on the deck with us drinking a nice glass of Merlot and smiling as you listened to the kids chatter and the gentle banter between me and Dave. I have so many memories of this very thing with you.
I wish you could tell me what you are doing now in Heaven. What is it like to wake up at the feet of Jesus, or to be held in God's arms? What is the most beautiful sound there? Is it the sound of angel wings, or the angels singing, or the voice of God saying your name? I still don't understand how you can be experiencing all those things in Heaven and still know what's going on with us down here on Earth. I know someday I will know what it's like to touch the face of Jesus and be completely healed in both body and soul.
I got the final proof of your headstone that I designed today. I think it's beautiful, in the most sad, empty way it can be. if someone would have told me five months ago that today I would be calmly talking about your headstone, I would have lost all my composure. I am anxious to have it there on your grave. I want the world to know who rests there, and that you were so very loved.
Last Saturday Dave and I stopped out at your grave to talk to you after we had spent a really nice few hours with Dayton. I wanted to talk directly to you, so we sat on the ground and I began telling you about how everyone was doing, and the flood gates opened, so to speak. Dayton is doing well mom. He looks the best I have seen him look in months and months. He's gained some weight and his eyes look like he's sleeping again, in his own bed. The house was looking really good. And mom, Dayton is happy again... or at least, not so sad. He has a new friend named Joann and I think she is really good for him. He has someone to have coffee with, take out to dinner and just be with. He was so worried that I would be upset or feel like he was betraying your memory or love or something, but I put his mind at ease right away. I told him I was glad he found someone to spend time with, someone he really likes. I told him that you would just want him to be happy and not hurt so much. I know that's all you want for all of us. In some ways, I'm kind of jealous of Dayton. He has found a way to start moving on past his grief, and I really haven't yet. I know there's no timeline for grief, it's just a journey we must make by ourselves. Dayton was worried that people would think it was too soon for him to be going out with someone but I say screw them if they can't see that he's lonely and needs to have someone to be close to. I met Joann and she's really nice mom. You would approve and like her. She has three daughters of her own and lots of grandkids. I know you would never deny any of us anything or anyone that could comfort us. It felt really good to hang out with Dayton, mom. He was as relaxed as I've ever seen him and happy to be with us too. We had drinks outside at the patio table and he grilled country style ribs! They were delicious. He even had drinks ready for us when we got there. All of his effort and caring made me love him even more.
I miss you so much mom. I hung up the beautiful glass ornament I gave you for your birthday a few years ago, in my living room window. I'm going to put seasonal ribbons on it just like you did, and every time I see it, I will know you are with me. I love you so very very much mamacita. I'll write again soon.
All my Love and Hugs,
Erika
Today was a very trying day. Potty training isn't going well. Monster Max is very stubborn and I am impatient. Bad combination! I went through two pairs of pants, four pairs of socks, 3 pairs of Max's socks, and five pairs of Max's undies. After so many frustrating hours of potty training I decided to go with Plan B. Plan B involves Xanax and using pull-ups until he figures out how to do this whole potty training thing. And the ironic thing is that once I decided that, I took a half of a Xanax and put Max on the potty chair before his nap. He took a huge poopie and was so excited about it that he stood up while he was still peeing and peed in a circle while exclaiming "Mom! Look at my huge poop!!" over and over! I laughed so hard. Then of course I took a pic of it on my camera phone and sent it to Dave! I would have loved to see his face when he downloaded the pic and realized I sent him a pic of a turd! *laughing* Then a little while later I put him on the potty again and peed a ton! It's 7:42 p.m. and he hasn't had another accident yet. Maybe it's the pull-ups, or maybe it's because I'm relaxed since I had decided to hand Max over to his daycare lady and tell her I failed and it's up to her to teach my son to use the potty, but for whatever reason, we've had 4 successes this afternoon and evening.
So I was stressed and sad by the time Dave got home this evening, but then the kiddos wanted to get out and play, so we sent them outside and then sat on the deck watching them while having a drink and listening to some relaxing music (Guggenheim Grotto, but that probably doesn't mean anything to you). We were able to have some nice adult conversation and just relax while the kids pretended to shoot the bad guys all over the yard! Then we grilled some chicken and sat on the deck and ate dinner. It was a perfect evening, mom. One that I know you would have loved to join us for. I pictured you sitting on the deck with us drinking a nice glass of Merlot and smiling as you listened to the kids chatter and the gentle banter between me and Dave. I have so many memories of this very thing with you.
I wish you could tell me what you are doing now in Heaven. What is it like to wake up at the feet of Jesus, or to be held in God's arms? What is the most beautiful sound there? Is it the sound of angel wings, or the angels singing, or the voice of God saying your name? I still don't understand how you can be experiencing all those things in Heaven and still know what's going on with us down here on Earth. I know someday I will know what it's like to touch the face of Jesus and be completely healed in both body and soul.
I got the final proof of your headstone that I designed today. I think it's beautiful, in the most sad, empty way it can be. if someone would have told me five months ago that today I would be calmly talking about your headstone, I would have lost all my composure. I am anxious to have it there on your grave. I want the world to know who rests there, and that you were so very loved.
Last Saturday Dave and I stopped out at your grave to talk to you after we had spent a really nice few hours with Dayton. I wanted to talk directly to you, so we sat on the ground and I began telling you about how everyone was doing, and the flood gates opened, so to speak. Dayton is doing well mom. He looks the best I have seen him look in months and months. He's gained some weight and his eyes look like he's sleeping again, in his own bed. The house was looking really good. And mom, Dayton is happy again... or at least, not so sad. He has a new friend named Joann and I think she is really good for him. He has someone to have coffee with, take out to dinner and just be with. He was so worried that I would be upset or feel like he was betraying your memory or love or something, but I put his mind at ease right away. I told him I was glad he found someone to spend time with, someone he really likes. I told him that you would just want him to be happy and not hurt so much. I know that's all you want for all of us. In some ways, I'm kind of jealous of Dayton. He has found a way to start moving on past his grief, and I really haven't yet. I know there's no timeline for grief, it's just a journey we must make by ourselves. Dayton was worried that people would think it was too soon for him to be going out with someone but I say screw them if they can't see that he's lonely and needs to have someone to be close to. I met Joann and she's really nice mom. You would approve and like her. She has three daughters of her own and lots of grandkids. I know you would never deny any of us anything or anyone that could comfort us. It felt really good to hang out with Dayton, mom. He was as relaxed as I've ever seen him and happy to be with us too. We had drinks outside at the patio table and he grilled country style ribs! They were delicious. He even had drinks ready for us when we got there. All of his effort and caring made me love him even more.
I miss you so much mom. I hung up the beautiful glass ornament I gave you for your birthday a few years ago, in my living room window. I'm going to put seasonal ribbons on it just like you did, and every time I see it, I will know you are with me. I love you so very very much mamacita. I'll write again soon.
All my Love and Hugs,
Erika
Monday, August 23, 2010
Promises
Dear Mamacita,
Some of my loved ones have reminded me of the many things you and I have promised each other over the last year or so. I've been thinking about our last semi-annual girls weekend we took together back in October. We were at a crossroads in our lives. We had just found out what your official diagnosis was and were made aware of the three treatment options you had. We needed to get away and spend time with just each other to laugh, talk, cry, get hour long side by side massages, dinner at the Winds steakhouse at Grand Casino, and then drinks and more talk sitting at the lounge. After the first couple of drinks we started talking about what would happen if you didn't survive. Neither of us wanted to go down that road, but I knew that there were things we needed to talk about while we still could. I didn't know how sick you would get or when we would get time alone like that to talk again. The first thing you said, was "if I die, I want your promise that you won't be sad forever." I couldn't hold back the tears after that request, so I cried and said I promise I won't be sad forever. Then you said "You can't be sad forever because you have to take care of my babies!" We talked about your funeral wishes, who you wanted to be involved in your funeral, the music, the flowers..it was all too much. That was when my heart started to shatter. The thing that I feared the most was becoming a real possibility. You also made me promise that if I received any life insurance money I would use it to the best of my ability to make my life better, however that would mean. You said "Use every penny as wisely as you can to help yourself!" Well Mom, what actually happened with that money wasn't what helped my life, but was none the less the right thing to do. I believe that when you put good out in the universe it comes back to you. I know I did the right thing with the money. I'd do it again if I had to, but your words have often come to my mind, wondering if you would have made the same choice for me that I made.
I'm feeling over-tired, emotionally depleted, and really sad right now. It's just been a long day. It's Max's 3rd birthday. Yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it would until after everyone left. As soon as Dave took Max downstairs to bed, Sam came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and said "It just doesn't feel right that Nana wasn't here. She comes to all our parties!" So I held him and let him get some sadness out. We also started potty training today. I wish you were here for morale support. I want so badly to call you so you can hear Max's sweet voice as he says "I did it!!" The really sad part for me, is that this is only the first of a lifetime of milestones that you won't be here for.
Goodnight Mamacita.. I hope that I get to see you in my dreams.
All my love,
Erika
Some of my loved ones have reminded me of the many things you and I have promised each other over the last year or so. I've been thinking about our last semi-annual girls weekend we took together back in October. We were at a crossroads in our lives. We had just found out what your official diagnosis was and were made aware of the three treatment options you had. We needed to get away and spend time with just each other to laugh, talk, cry, get hour long side by side massages, dinner at the Winds steakhouse at Grand Casino, and then drinks and more talk sitting at the lounge. After the first couple of drinks we started talking about what would happen if you didn't survive. Neither of us wanted to go down that road, but I knew that there were things we needed to talk about while we still could. I didn't know how sick you would get or when we would get time alone like that to talk again. The first thing you said, was "if I die, I want your promise that you won't be sad forever." I couldn't hold back the tears after that request, so I cried and said I promise I won't be sad forever. Then you said "You can't be sad forever because you have to take care of my babies!" We talked about your funeral wishes, who you wanted to be involved in your funeral, the music, the flowers..it was all too much. That was when my heart started to shatter. The thing that I feared the most was becoming a real possibility. You also made me promise that if I received any life insurance money I would use it to the best of my ability to make my life better, however that would mean. You said "Use every penny as wisely as you can to help yourself!" Well Mom, what actually happened with that money wasn't what helped my life, but was none the less the right thing to do. I believe that when you put good out in the universe it comes back to you. I know I did the right thing with the money. I'd do it again if I had to, but your words have often come to my mind, wondering if you would have made the same choice for me that I made.
I'm feeling over-tired, emotionally depleted, and really sad right now. It's just been a long day. It's Max's 3rd birthday. Yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it would until after everyone left. As soon as Dave took Max downstairs to bed, Sam came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and said "It just doesn't feel right that Nana wasn't here. She comes to all our parties!" So I held him and let him get some sadness out. We also started potty training today. I wish you were here for morale support. I want so badly to call you so you can hear Max's sweet voice as he says "I did it!!" The really sad part for me, is that this is only the first of a lifetime of milestones that you won't be here for.
Goodnight Mamacita.. I hope that I get to see you in my dreams.
All my love,
Erika
Old Friends
Dear Mamacita,
Kim has been blogging some of her adventures in life and recently shared the following entry. It really made a difference in my heart so I wanted to let you know what she said. She is very intuitive and has always been able to read me well! I miss her and wish we could go back to being 14 and freshmen again. Life was so much simpler then. I feel so much older than my almost 35 years. So much has happened since I was 14...so much pain, and yes, so much joy. I thought you'd like to see this mom, so here's a partial entry from her blog:
"And finally, my old friend - who is also my cousin - is on my mind and in my heart a lot these days. Her mom died a few months ago, and Erika has taken it hard. Understandably so, as they were very close. I think Erika often felt like her mom was the only constant in her life, and that losing her meant losing place in the world. I'm not going to begin to go into all the challenges Erika and her mom have faced over the years, suffice it to say that the simple fact that Erika is a loving wife and mother, a talented teacher, and a great friend speaks volumes to her strength - both strength of character and spiritual strength. What would have crushed a lesser person has made Erika more beautiful. And while she is having problems seeing that right now, I know that Linda is with her in spirit, reminding her that it is ok to enjoy life, to laugh, to love, and to carry on. I know Linda would have wanted Erika to go on living and embracing all it offers. But I also know that she isn't quite ready to make that step yet. So I am asking everyone to send your prayers, thoughts, karma, or whatever spiritual things you do, to Erika. Give her your healing vibes, help her know that moving on doesn't mean forgetting, and that her mom is still with her - in herself and in her 2 beautiful children. Maybe if enough of us send her good thoughts, she can start to heal. It doesn't matter if you know her or not, send it anyway. Everything helps!"
Kim has been blogging some of her adventures in life and recently shared the following entry. It really made a difference in my heart so I wanted to let you know what she said. She is very intuitive and has always been able to read me well! I miss her and wish we could go back to being 14 and freshmen again. Life was so much simpler then. I feel so much older than my almost 35 years. So much has happened since I was 14...so much pain, and yes, so much joy. I thought you'd like to see this mom, so here's a partial entry from her blog:
"And finally, my old friend - who is also my cousin - is on my mind and in my heart a lot these days. Her mom died a few months ago, and Erika has taken it hard. Understandably so, as they were very close. I think Erika often felt like her mom was the only constant in her life, and that losing her meant losing place in the world. I'm not going to begin to go into all the challenges Erika and her mom have faced over the years, suffice it to say that the simple fact that Erika is a loving wife and mother, a talented teacher, and a great friend speaks volumes to her strength - both strength of character and spiritual strength. What would have crushed a lesser person has made Erika more beautiful. And while she is having problems seeing that right now, I know that Linda is with her in spirit, reminding her that it is ok to enjoy life, to laugh, to love, and to carry on. I know Linda would have wanted Erika to go on living and embracing all it offers. But I also know that she isn't quite ready to make that step yet. So I am asking everyone to send your prayers, thoughts, karma, or whatever spiritual things you do, to Erika. Give her your healing vibes, help her know that moving on doesn't mean forgetting, and that her mom is still with her - in herself and in her 2 beautiful children. Maybe if enough of us send her good thoughts, she can start to heal. It doesn't matter if you know her or not, send it anyway. Everything helps!"
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Difficult Conversations
Dear Mamacita,
I need you with me today. I'm so stressed and anxious about what's going to go down today. Dave and I are going to your house to meet with Dayton to talk about a lot of things that need to get talked about. The most important thing we need to talk about is your headstone. He was avoiding the topic every time I brought it up. I know it's painful, but I need to have it there at your grave. You deserve to have something beautiful there for people to recognize the life you lived and that you were so very loved. I made two different options mom. I made a single marker that is just for you, and I made a double that is for you and Dayton. Both are beautiful options I think. I'm hoping he will pick one and then we can agree on how to pay for it.
The next thing we need to talk about is Adam. Or rather how to deal with his situation. Dave and I think that Dayton just needs repeated permission to do the right thing. Adam is using Dayton's love for you to take advantage of him. He is bleeding him dry and stealing from him. Dave and I are going to tell him that you wouldn't accept that behavior from him and would involve the authorities. It's a hard line to take but enough is enough! I'm not sad for what's going to happen to Adam... just angry and hurt. I guess maybe I am sad.. sad for him that he has never been able to process any of the pain in his life, and has chosen to smother the pain with drugs. He knows that so many people love him, but that doesn't matter to him momma. He still continues to abuse his body and soul. He still continues to hurt everyone who loves him. He has made people afraid of him. I am afraid to be alone with him. I am afraid of his temper and violent mood swings. I know that he could hurt me physically and not even remember it when his high wears off.
When you were in the hospital after we found out that your cancer was terminal you were asking and asking where Adam was. He hadn't come to see you even once and in your heart you knew something was wrong. You asked me on the phone if he was in jail. I told you honestly that I didn't know but I felt things were headed that way. You cried and told me that I needed to remember that Adam is always forgiven. I have so much anger directed at him I'm not sure what forgiveness looks like in this situation. One definition of forgiveness that I can work with is "Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt someone just because they hurt me." I don't want to hurt him. But the hurts that he has done to me and you just keep adding up. I am angry with him for so many things. Where was he when you were in the hospital and staying with me for 6 months? He has ruined so many important moments of my life. He has always been a bruise on my heart. The previous 2 years before last October were the best two years we have had a family. He was clean and sober and working and taking care of his sweet little girl financially. Then as soon as you got sick(er) and had to move in with me, he went right back to what he used to do. I know that one day Adam and I will be able to address all the issues that stand in the way of our love for each other. I don't know when. Can I tell you what the secret fear in my heart is mamacita? I know he's going to die. I know it won't be long. You can't be an addict and live a long life. How will I deal with that mom? Everyone who isn't supposed to leave me has. My dad left me when I was five, my step-dad, whom I considered my dad left me at a crucial point in my life and hurt us for so long, you left me, and I know Adam is going to leave me too. Then I will be the only one from our family left. What the hell?!?! Sweet Jenny left us too early, funny, beautiful Aunt Kay left us too early, and then you! Sometimes mom all I want to do is scream profanity and break some glass to hear it shatter into a million pieces just like my heart! How can I deal mom? When does the pain end?
I also found out that my dad has had a series of small strokes. That terrifies me too mom. We have had a great relationship in the last 8 years. I don't think I can take losing him again.
I miss you so much momma. I need you here to talk to me. Tell me that I'm not alone in dealing with Adam and alone in dealing with this vast ocean of pain. I need you so much that sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I can't touch you and hear your voice again. I know where you are, and I know that I'm going there too someday, and that I will spend eternity with you, so really 50 years is only a blink of the eye in comparison to how long we will be together, but for right now, it may as well be 500 years. I ask you again Mamacita, please come visit me in my dreams or when I'm awake. Let me feel your presence and love. Help me mom.
A good friend of mine told me that I won't find you in Wisconsin Dells, in my kitchen, or in Hawaii. I will find you in my soul. She told me that I have been holding onto you so tightly, and maybe by letting go, I would feel some peace. She's right mom. I have been holding on so tightly. I am terrified of letting go of you and this painful experience. I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side of this pain. What if there's nothing? What if it's worse? What if I don't remember everything we've been through? I'm a mess mom. I still cry everyday from missing you, I think I may need a higher dosage of my depression meds, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist who specializes in grief and eating disorders. I'm really trying to take care of myself mom.
Here's the other thing that's on my heart. Maxwell's 3rd birthday party is on Sunday. It seems like an outrage to celebrate with you. I know if you were here you would tell me of course, without a doubt I should have the party to celebrate your baby! It all just feels fake to me. I don't feel like celebrating anything. I just want you to be here, or for me to be where you are.
I love you mamacita. More than life. Our hearts are forever connected, and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. Please be with me today mom. I need you.
All my love,
Erika
I need you with me today. I'm so stressed and anxious about what's going to go down today. Dave and I are going to your house to meet with Dayton to talk about a lot of things that need to get talked about. The most important thing we need to talk about is your headstone. He was avoiding the topic every time I brought it up. I know it's painful, but I need to have it there at your grave. You deserve to have something beautiful there for people to recognize the life you lived and that you were so very loved. I made two different options mom. I made a single marker that is just for you, and I made a double that is for you and Dayton. Both are beautiful options I think. I'm hoping he will pick one and then we can agree on how to pay for it.
The next thing we need to talk about is Adam. Or rather how to deal with his situation. Dave and I think that Dayton just needs repeated permission to do the right thing. Adam is using Dayton's love for you to take advantage of him. He is bleeding him dry and stealing from him. Dave and I are going to tell him that you wouldn't accept that behavior from him and would involve the authorities. It's a hard line to take but enough is enough! I'm not sad for what's going to happen to Adam... just angry and hurt. I guess maybe I am sad.. sad for him that he has never been able to process any of the pain in his life, and has chosen to smother the pain with drugs. He knows that so many people love him, but that doesn't matter to him momma. He still continues to abuse his body and soul. He still continues to hurt everyone who loves him. He has made people afraid of him. I am afraid to be alone with him. I am afraid of his temper and violent mood swings. I know that he could hurt me physically and not even remember it when his high wears off.
When you were in the hospital after we found out that your cancer was terminal you were asking and asking where Adam was. He hadn't come to see you even once and in your heart you knew something was wrong. You asked me on the phone if he was in jail. I told you honestly that I didn't know but I felt things were headed that way. You cried and told me that I needed to remember that Adam is always forgiven. I have so much anger directed at him I'm not sure what forgiveness looks like in this situation. One definition of forgiveness that I can work with is "Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt someone just because they hurt me." I don't want to hurt him. But the hurts that he has done to me and you just keep adding up. I am angry with him for so many things. Where was he when you were in the hospital and staying with me for 6 months? He has ruined so many important moments of my life. He has always been a bruise on my heart. The previous 2 years before last October were the best two years we have had a family. He was clean and sober and working and taking care of his sweet little girl financially. Then as soon as you got sick(er) and had to move in with me, he went right back to what he used to do. I know that one day Adam and I will be able to address all the issues that stand in the way of our love for each other. I don't know when. Can I tell you what the secret fear in my heart is mamacita? I know he's going to die. I know it won't be long. You can't be an addict and live a long life. How will I deal with that mom? Everyone who isn't supposed to leave me has. My dad left me when I was five, my step-dad, whom I considered my dad left me at a crucial point in my life and hurt us for so long, you left me, and I know Adam is going to leave me too. Then I will be the only one from our family left. What the hell?!?! Sweet Jenny left us too early, funny, beautiful Aunt Kay left us too early, and then you! Sometimes mom all I want to do is scream profanity and break some glass to hear it shatter into a million pieces just like my heart! How can I deal mom? When does the pain end?
I also found out that my dad has had a series of small strokes. That terrifies me too mom. We have had a great relationship in the last 8 years. I don't think I can take losing him again.
I miss you so much momma. I need you here to talk to me. Tell me that I'm not alone in dealing with Adam and alone in dealing with this vast ocean of pain. I need you so much that sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I can't touch you and hear your voice again. I know where you are, and I know that I'm going there too someday, and that I will spend eternity with you, so really 50 years is only a blink of the eye in comparison to how long we will be together, but for right now, it may as well be 500 years. I ask you again Mamacita, please come visit me in my dreams or when I'm awake. Let me feel your presence and love. Help me mom.
A good friend of mine told me that I won't find you in Wisconsin Dells, in my kitchen, or in Hawaii. I will find you in my soul. She told me that I have been holding onto you so tightly, and maybe by letting go, I would feel some peace. She's right mom. I have been holding on so tightly. I am terrified of letting go of you and this painful experience. I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side of this pain. What if there's nothing? What if it's worse? What if I don't remember everything we've been through? I'm a mess mom. I still cry everyday from missing you, I think I may need a higher dosage of my depression meds, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist who specializes in grief and eating disorders. I'm really trying to take care of myself mom.
Here's the other thing that's on my heart. Maxwell's 3rd birthday party is on Sunday. It seems like an outrage to celebrate with you. I know if you were here you would tell me of course, without a doubt I should have the party to celebrate your baby! It all just feels fake to me. I don't feel like celebrating anything. I just want you to be here, or for me to be where you are.
I love you mamacita. More than life. Our hearts are forever connected, and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. Please be with me today mom. I need you.
All my love,
Erika
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Dreams
Dear Mamacita,
I was going to try to write these letters to you chronologically but that doesn't seem to be working for me, so instead I'm just going to write what I feel and let my heart take me where I need to go with this blog.
It's hard for me to even describe how much I long to feel your presence. I ache to feel you standing next to me touching my shoulder, stroking my hair, touching my cheek with yours... I haven't felt you here with me yet. I don't know if my grief is just too overwhelming for me to be fully aware of what's really around me, or maybe the medication I have to take is making me numb to certain things... I just don't know. For the first three months after your death I had no dreams at all. I could only sleep if I took Xanax and then everything would literally just go black. It was a sweet mental and physical escape from all the pain. About a month ago things started to change. The dreams started to come back again...
The first dream of you that I had was both comforting and disturbing. It was dark and I had to be with you, or be close to you so I drove all the way to Hinckley to be by your grave. I began crying and crying and finally I layed down right on top of your grave and cried myself to sleep. It was raining softly as I slept there all night on your grave. I knew in my heart your spirit wasn't there, but I need to be close to your physical body. That is the first dream I remember having at all since your death.
The secocnd dream was just as odd... I was living in a house I have never been in before and I was putting some laundry away and I opened the closet door in my bedroom and you were standing in there. You looked anxious and nervous and scared. I laughed a little bit and said "Mom, why are you in the closet?" You didn't answer my question. Instead you took my hand and said "I want you to come in here with me.. I don't like it in here!" I asked what you didn't like about being in there and you said "There's shadows everywhere..I don't like it, I don't like it!" I told you then that you didn't have to stay in the closet, that you could come anywhere in my house and I wouldn't be afraid. You were welcome to wander around the house anytime you wanted. You were very timid and didn't speak to me as I lead you by the hand around the different rooms of this house. That's all I remember of that dream. I've been trying to analyze that dream without too much luck. Then Dave told me that he heard once that the other people in your dreams are really just manifestations of yourself. This made more sense to me. I'm the one who's scared to come out of the closet into the light. I'm afraid of all the shadows and darkness in my life right now. I need someone to pull me from the darkness and show me I don't have to be scared to live again. If I start healing mom, what does that mean? If I don't miss you so intensely every day, does that mean my love for you wasn't as deep as I thought it was? Will you feel like I have forgotten what it was we went through the last 6 months of your life? What do I do Momma? I need you here to tell me what to do..how to go on without you. I know you would wrap your arms around me and softly say "You'll be ok, baby, you'll be ok.." Part of me wants to scream "NO! I will never be ok again!" Anyways... back to the dreams..
The last dream I had about you was a couple of weeks ago... I was driving in a big van with the kids in the back and my neice Rachel in the front with me. We were in the country and I saw this cabin set back against the forest. I stopped the van because I knew without a doubt that your spirit was in that cabin. I wasn't scared...just anxious to get to you. I couldn't run fast enough... When I walked up the porch steps, I stopped in front of the screen door. I looked in and I saw you standing there! You were drinking a cup of coffee at the table and were shaking pills out of a bottle. I asked you if you were ok, and you said "Eventually, sweetheart, I will be..." I was so distraught that you weren't already better! When we die we are supposed to wake up at the feet of Jesus and be healed. Why weren't you better yet?? I was sooo mad that you were still in pain and filled with anxiety. Then you walked towards me and through the door. You started walking across the grassy yard towards the van, I knew that you wanted to see "your babies" and I also knew you were leaving me again. I started to cry hysterically and run after you, but I couldn't keep up with you.. I couldn't ever catch you.. You got close to the van and then disappeared before my eyes. I feel on my hands and knees and cried and cried because my heart hurt so bad again. Rachel saw me crying and came running towards me. I said to her "Tell me you saw her! Tell me you saw my mom! She was right there!!!" Rachel just said "I saw you running towards the van and then an expolsion of light and rainbows.. but I didn't see her.." It didn't matter that she didn't see you. I knew you were there.
So again, like Dave said if you were really me in the dream I guess that means somewhere in my heart and brain I know that I will eventually be ok. I'm not even close to ok right now, but baby steps, I guess.
I love you more than life Mamacita. You are mine... My heart is connected to your and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. I know you loved me since before I was born. We have an unbreakable golden cord that holds our hearts together.
All my love,
Lucita
I was going to try to write these letters to you chronologically but that doesn't seem to be working for me, so instead I'm just going to write what I feel and let my heart take me where I need to go with this blog.
It's hard for me to even describe how much I long to feel your presence. I ache to feel you standing next to me touching my shoulder, stroking my hair, touching my cheek with yours... I haven't felt you here with me yet. I don't know if my grief is just too overwhelming for me to be fully aware of what's really around me, or maybe the medication I have to take is making me numb to certain things... I just don't know. For the first three months after your death I had no dreams at all. I could only sleep if I took Xanax and then everything would literally just go black. It was a sweet mental and physical escape from all the pain. About a month ago things started to change. The dreams started to come back again...
The first dream of you that I had was both comforting and disturbing. It was dark and I had to be with you, or be close to you so I drove all the way to Hinckley to be by your grave. I began crying and crying and finally I layed down right on top of your grave and cried myself to sleep. It was raining softly as I slept there all night on your grave. I knew in my heart your spirit wasn't there, but I need to be close to your physical body. That is the first dream I remember having at all since your death.
The secocnd dream was just as odd... I was living in a house I have never been in before and I was putting some laundry away and I opened the closet door in my bedroom and you were standing in there. You looked anxious and nervous and scared. I laughed a little bit and said "Mom, why are you in the closet?" You didn't answer my question. Instead you took my hand and said "I want you to come in here with me.. I don't like it in here!" I asked what you didn't like about being in there and you said "There's shadows everywhere..I don't like it, I don't like it!" I told you then that you didn't have to stay in the closet, that you could come anywhere in my house and I wouldn't be afraid. You were welcome to wander around the house anytime you wanted. You were very timid and didn't speak to me as I lead you by the hand around the different rooms of this house. That's all I remember of that dream. I've been trying to analyze that dream without too much luck. Then Dave told me that he heard once that the other people in your dreams are really just manifestations of yourself. This made more sense to me. I'm the one who's scared to come out of the closet into the light. I'm afraid of all the shadows and darkness in my life right now. I need someone to pull me from the darkness and show me I don't have to be scared to live again. If I start healing mom, what does that mean? If I don't miss you so intensely every day, does that mean my love for you wasn't as deep as I thought it was? Will you feel like I have forgotten what it was we went through the last 6 months of your life? What do I do Momma? I need you here to tell me what to do..how to go on without you. I know you would wrap your arms around me and softly say "You'll be ok, baby, you'll be ok.." Part of me wants to scream "NO! I will never be ok again!" Anyways... back to the dreams..
The last dream I had about you was a couple of weeks ago... I was driving in a big van with the kids in the back and my neice Rachel in the front with me. We were in the country and I saw this cabin set back against the forest. I stopped the van because I knew without a doubt that your spirit was in that cabin. I wasn't scared...just anxious to get to you. I couldn't run fast enough... When I walked up the porch steps, I stopped in front of the screen door. I looked in and I saw you standing there! You were drinking a cup of coffee at the table and were shaking pills out of a bottle. I asked you if you were ok, and you said "Eventually, sweetheart, I will be..." I was so distraught that you weren't already better! When we die we are supposed to wake up at the feet of Jesus and be healed. Why weren't you better yet?? I was sooo mad that you were still in pain and filled with anxiety. Then you walked towards me and through the door. You started walking across the grassy yard towards the van, I knew that you wanted to see "your babies" and I also knew you were leaving me again. I started to cry hysterically and run after you, but I couldn't keep up with you.. I couldn't ever catch you.. You got close to the van and then disappeared before my eyes. I feel on my hands and knees and cried and cried because my heart hurt so bad again. Rachel saw me crying and came running towards me. I said to her "Tell me you saw her! Tell me you saw my mom! She was right there!!!" Rachel just said "I saw you running towards the van and then an expolsion of light and rainbows.. but I didn't see her.." It didn't matter that she didn't see you. I knew you were there.
So again, like Dave said if you were really me in the dream I guess that means somewhere in my heart and brain I know that I will eventually be ok. I'm not even close to ok right now, but baby steps, I guess.
I love you more than life Mamacita. You are mine... My heart is connected to your and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. I know you loved me since before I was born. We have an unbreakable golden cord that holds our hearts together.
All my love,
Lucita
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The Beginning of the End
Dear Mamacita,
I have started this blog as an outlet for all of the pain, rage, and despair I feel since you have left this life. I know there's a lot of things I need to work through mom, so I guess I should start at the beginning. I hope that by writing you these letters I can process some of the stuff going on inside my brain and heart and I hope it eases the intense desire I have to talk to you again. There are days that I think I am losing control of myself because I need to call you and talk. People have said that it gets easier with time.... I don't believe that right now. It's been 3 months since you've gone, and it just feels longer and longer and longer since I've heard your voice and felt your love and joy and support in my life. And I know it's only going to get longer till I feel your arms around me again. I'm not sure how to deal with that mom. Anyways.. back to the beginning....
The beginning of the end started last July when we were all at Wisconsin Dells. You had a hematologist appointment at the V.A. in St. Cloud in the middle of the week we were there. It was a long drive for you to go there but you needed to get in to see this specialist. I remember waiting and waiting at our condo to hear from you. We knew there was something strange going on with your blood counts but so far no one had figured it out. Then you called me on your way back to the Dells.... You wanted to tell me in person what they told you, but I was too impatient and stressed out to wait, so I made you tell me on the phone. That was the first time we heard the dreaded "L" word. They weren't sure, but some form of Leukemia was a real possibility. After I hung up with you, I walked straight up to Dave and burst into tears. How could I possibly tell him that my amazing mom might have cancer?? After you got back, we were all in shock and I think I avoided you and talking about it with you, out of sheer fear. When you and I did get some alone time, all I could do is cry or just be angry. I didn't understand how they could tell you have have Leukemia and just let you leave the hospital, so part of me still chose to believe that it couldn't be true.
Things were getting worse physically for you that week. You couldn't walk down the hall without support and several breaks. You were so weak. My heart broke every time I saw you struggling to follow our boys (your babies) down the hall. It was a bittersweet week. It was the last vacation we would all be on together. The good memories are precious and Sam and I will never forget the special ones.
The next thing we knew it was Maxwell's 2nd birthday! We had a party here at the house for him and you and Dayton came. It was a good party but you had to go lay down for a nap. A few hours after your nap you needed to lay down again. That really concerned me, so I came into our bedroom to check on you and you were absolutely freezing! I had the mattress warmer on, every blanket I could find, I even put pillows on top of you for weight and a heating pad on your feet. Then I climbed in next to you until the shudders stopped and you were more peaceful. That was the first time I was really scared.
Then came the day that changed my life forever. The day before my birthday you weren't feeling well and went to the hospital in Mora, you were too sick for them to care for you, so they transported you by ambulance down to Abbott hospital in the cities. They started all the tests and got your body stable. Then came my birthday. I took the afternoon off, so that I could go be with you at the hospital. Dayton kept calling me asking when I was going to be there. I could tell something was wrong, but he wouldn't tell me what. When I got there, you sat me and Adam down and explained what they doctors had found out from all the tests they ran. It was official. You had MDS, a form of Leukemia. Very calmly you told us that the doctors told you there were 3 options. The first option was to do nothing...no treatment. In which case you would live a couple more weeks. The second option was to do just chemo, in which case you might live 3-6 months. The third option was to do chemo, radiation, and go through with a bone marrow transplant. The odds of surviving all of that were around 35%. It would be the greatest battle you ever fought if that's the route you chose.
After finding all of this out, I left your room and went to call Dave to tell him I needed him at the hospital immediately. He left work and was on his way before he even ended the call. I was terrified as I sat in the family waiting room crying and crying, trying to make sense of what I had just been told. How was it possible that my mom only had a 35% chance of living through this disease??! The rest of that day is blurry to me. The last thing I remember is laying in bed with Dave that night, all cried out.. my heart and soul just numb to everything. We shared a pair of earbuds and listened to an acoustic version of "No woman, no cry" by Bob Marley. That's how I fell asleep that night... in my sweet husbands arms, listening to quiet calm music....
I have to stop here now mom. My chest aches and I need to step back from the memories for a little while. I love you so much and I will write again soon. Please come visit me if you can...let me feel your presence. I won't be scared. I'll know it's just you...
Con todos mi amor,
Su hija,
Lucy
I have started this blog as an outlet for all of the pain, rage, and despair I feel since you have left this life. I know there's a lot of things I need to work through mom, so I guess I should start at the beginning. I hope that by writing you these letters I can process some of the stuff going on inside my brain and heart and I hope it eases the intense desire I have to talk to you again. There are days that I think I am losing control of myself because I need to call you and talk. People have said that it gets easier with time.... I don't believe that right now. It's been 3 months since you've gone, and it just feels longer and longer and longer since I've heard your voice and felt your love and joy and support in my life. And I know it's only going to get longer till I feel your arms around me again. I'm not sure how to deal with that mom. Anyways.. back to the beginning....
The beginning of the end started last July when we were all at Wisconsin Dells. You had a hematologist appointment at the V.A. in St. Cloud in the middle of the week we were there. It was a long drive for you to go there but you needed to get in to see this specialist. I remember waiting and waiting at our condo to hear from you. We knew there was something strange going on with your blood counts but so far no one had figured it out. Then you called me on your way back to the Dells.... You wanted to tell me in person what they told you, but I was too impatient and stressed out to wait, so I made you tell me on the phone. That was the first time we heard the dreaded "L" word. They weren't sure, but some form of Leukemia was a real possibility. After I hung up with you, I walked straight up to Dave and burst into tears. How could I possibly tell him that my amazing mom might have cancer?? After you got back, we were all in shock and I think I avoided you and talking about it with you, out of sheer fear. When you and I did get some alone time, all I could do is cry or just be angry. I didn't understand how they could tell you have have Leukemia and just let you leave the hospital, so part of me still chose to believe that it couldn't be true.
Things were getting worse physically for you that week. You couldn't walk down the hall without support and several breaks. You were so weak. My heart broke every time I saw you struggling to follow our boys (your babies) down the hall. It was a bittersweet week. It was the last vacation we would all be on together. The good memories are precious and Sam and I will never forget the special ones.
The next thing we knew it was Maxwell's 2nd birthday! We had a party here at the house for him and you and Dayton came. It was a good party but you had to go lay down for a nap. A few hours after your nap you needed to lay down again. That really concerned me, so I came into our bedroom to check on you and you were absolutely freezing! I had the mattress warmer on, every blanket I could find, I even put pillows on top of you for weight and a heating pad on your feet. Then I climbed in next to you until the shudders stopped and you were more peaceful. That was the first time I was really scared.
Then came the day that changed my life forever. The day before my birthday you weren't feeling well and went to the hospital in Mora, you were too sick for them to care for you, so they transported you by ambulance down to Abbott hospital in the cities. They started all the tests and got your body stable. Then came my birthday. I took the afternoon off, so that I could go be with you at the hospital. Dayton kept calling me asking when I was going to be there. I could tell something was wrong, but he wouldn't tell me what. When I got there, you sat me and Adam down and explained what they doctors had found out from all the tests they ran. It was official. You had MDS, a form of Leukemia. Very calmly you told us that the doctors told you there were 3 options. The first option was to do nothing...no treatment. In which case you would live a couple more weeks. The second option was to do just chemo, in which case you might live 3-6 months. The third option was to do chemo, radiation, and go through with a bone marrow transplant. The odds of surviving all of that were around 35%. It would be the greatest battle you ever fought if that's the route you chose.
After finding all of this out, I left your room and went to call Dave to tell him I needed him at the hospital immediately. He left work and was on his way before he even ended the call. I was terrified as I sat in the family waiting room crying and crying, trying to make sense of what I had just been told. How was it possible that my mom only had a 35% chance of living through this disease??! The rest of that day is blurry to me. The last thing I remember is laying in bed with Dave that night, all cried out.. my heart and soul just numb to everything. We shared a pair of earbuds and listened to an acoustic version of "No woman, no cry" by Bob Marley. That's how I fell asleep that night... in my sweet husbands arms, listening to quiet calm music....
I have to stop here now mom. My chest aches and I need to step back from the memories for a little while. I love you so much and I will write again soon. Please come visit me if you can...let me feel your presence. I won't be scared. I'll know it's just you...
Con todos mi amor,
Su hija,
Lucy
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