Dreams

Dear Mamacita,

I was going to try to write these letters to you chronologically but that doesn't seem to be working for me, so instead I'm just going to write what I feel and let my heart take me where I need to go with this blog.

It's hard for me to even describe how much I long to feel your presence. I ache to feel you standing next to me touching my shoulder, stroking my hair, touching my cheek with yours... I haven't felt you here with me yet. I don't know if my grief is just too overwhelming for me to be fully aware of what's really around me, or maybe the medication I have to take is making me numb to certain things... I just don't know. For the first three months after your death I had no dreams at all. I could only sleep if I took Xanax and then everything would literally just go black. It was a sweet mental and physical escape from all the pain. About a month ago things started to change. The dreams started to come back again...

The first dream of you that I had was both comforting and disturbing. It was dark and I had to be with you, or be close to you so I drove all the way to Hinckley to be by your grave. I began crying and crying and finally I layed down right on top of your grave and cried myself to sleep. It was raining softly as I slept there all night on your grave. I knew in my heart your spirit wasn't there, but I need to be close to your physical body. That is the first dream I remember having at all since your death.

The secocnd dream was just as odd... I was living in a house I have never been in before and I was putting some laundry away and I opened the closet door in my bedroom and you were standing in there. You looked anxious and nervous and scared. I laughed a little bit and said "Mom, why are you in the closet?" You didn't answer my question. Instead you took my hand and said "I want you to come in here with me.. I don't like it in here!" I asked what you didn't like about being in there and you said "There's shadows everywhere..I don't like it, I don't like it!" I told you then that you didn't have to stay in the closet, that you could come anywhere in my house and I wouldn't be afraid. You were welcome to wander around the house anytime you wanted. You were very timid and didn't speak to me as I lead you by the hand around the different rooms of this house. That's all I remember of that dream. I've been trying to analyze that dream without too much luck. Then Dave told me that he heard once that the other people in your dreams are really just manifestations of yourself. This made more sense to me. I'm the one who's scared to come out of the closet into the light. I'm afraid of all the shadows and darkness in my life right now. I need someone to pull me from the darkness and show me I don't have to be scared to live again. If I start healing mom, what does that mean? If I don't miss you so intensely every day, does that mean my love for you wasn't as deep as I thought it was? Will you feel like I have forgotten what it was we went through the last 6 months of your life? What do I do Momma? I need you here to tell me what to do..how to go on without you. I know you would wrap your arms around me and softly say "You'll be ok, baby, you'll be ok.." Part of me wants to scream "NO! I will never be ok again!" Anyways... back to the dreams..

The last dream I had about you was a couple of weeks ago... I was driving in a big van with the kids in the back and my neice Rachel in the front with me. We were in the country and I saw this cabin set back against the forest. I stopped the van because I knew without a doubt that your spirit was in that cabin. I wasn't scared...just anxious to get to you. I couldn't run fast enough... When I walked up the porch steps, I stopped in front of the screen door. I looked in and I saw you standing there! You were drinking a cup of coffee at the table and were shaking pills out of a bottle. I asked you if you were ok, and you said "Eventually, sweetheart, I will be..." I was so distraught that you weren't already better! When we die we are supposed to wake up at the feet of Jesus and be healed. Why weren't you better yet?? I was sooo mad that you were still in pain and filled with anxiety. Then you walked towards me and through the door. You started walking across the grassy yard towards the van, I knew that you wanted to see "your babies" and I also knew you were leaving me again. I started to cry hysterically and run after you, but I couldn't keep up with you.. I couldn't ever catch you.. You got close to the van and then disappeared before my eyes. I feel on my hands and knees and cried and cried because my heart hurt so bad again. Rachel saw me crying and came running towards me. I said to her "Tell me you saw her! Tell me you saw my mom! She was right there!!!" Rachel just said "I saw you running towards the van and then an expolsion of light and rainbows.. but I didn't see her.." It didn't matter that she didn't see you. I knew you were there.

So again, like Dave said if you were really me in the dream I guess that means somewhere in my heart and brain I know that I will eventually be ok. I'm not even close to ok right now, but baby steps, I guess.

I love you more than life Mamacita. You are mine... My heart is connected to your and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. I know you loved me since before I was born. We have an unbreakable golden cord that holds our hearts together.

All my love,
Lucita