Dear Mamacita,
I'm feeling stressed and tired and lonely and anxious today. I had a couple of doctor appointments on Thursday to evaluate how I'm doing both physically and emotionally. The verdict? Well that depends on how you look at things. My primary care doctor increased my dosage of Celexa, for depression, from 40mg to 60mg and also increased my Xanax dosage because of my increased anxiety levels. My fingernail cuticles are a direct reflection of my anxiety and right now they are at an embarrassing level of torn up. Nothing feels right in my life right now.
I'm starting the bowling league tonight but it's hard to get excited about it because the fun that I should be having there feels fake. I have become good at faking fun. I love the people there that I'm bowling with, and I know they love me, but it's still hard. But what choices do I really have mom? I could stay home forever and cry and be sad and angry, or I can try. I can try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making the effort at participating in life.
If I could I would just run away. Everything is very overwhelming to me momma. I'm stressed to the max about potty training, getting ready to go back to school, money issues, anxiety, Adam, my dad, and dealing with fighting kids all the time. If I could I would run away to Grand Marais. I would go to the special place that Dave and I have, out on the huge flat rocks, where he surprised me with a special gift one time. I want to be there and just not see another person. I want to hear the waves crashing on the rocky shore and the seagulls calling from all around. I just want to be alone with my grief and try to figure things out, mom.
All of my heart longs to be with you. Would I find you there in my heart? When will God allow you to come to me, so I can feel your presence? I just need a sign that you're still aware that I am here where you are not, I need a sign that you understand my broken heart and are still here for me. Why haven't I been able to feel you yet momma? How long do I have to wait? It's been four months and all it's been is pain and more pain.
I sometimes wonder if my family and closest friends are tired of hearing about it, and just want me to "move on" or "get over it". I hope they don't feel that way, but I'm not sure. I try not to bring up you or my grief, but it takes up almost all of my heart and all of my brain. Your name is always on the tip of my tongue.
I am afraid a lot, mom. I'm afraid of so many things. I am scared that people will stop talking about you. I am afraid that we will forget the little things that make you, you. I am afraid that as time goes by, people just won't remember or care that I still hurt and this has been a life changing loss for me. I may look the same on the outside, but on the inside, I can never ever go back to who I was a year ago. That girl doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes I see flashes of her, but the new me is so different. I feel like I'm more cynical, irritable, short tempered, scared, and angry. I know I have to resist the urge to push people away. I know I shouldn't test people's love for me by trying to see if I can make them leave me. I wouldn't say that I'm used to the people I love leaving me, but I'm starting to expect it. I've even thought about who will probably be next to leave.
What is permanent in this world, mom? Nothing. I know God is the only constant, but I feel distant, even from Him. I know I could just ask Him in, and he is waiting for me to do just that, but there's so much anger and hurt, I'm not sure how. I'm tired momma. I'm emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually tired. Sometimes I feel like I've got nothing left. The demands keep piling up, but I've got nothing left to give. I wonder if my eyes look as hollow as I feel inside. I know you would be so sad to read this, to hear this, but I don't know how to make it better mom. I can't just make myself "be happy". "They" keep telling me it's just a process... that maybe after a year I will feel better. I hope so. My world hurts right now. I miss you more than I can express with words mom. I miss picking up the phone and telling you all my hurts and worries. Even if you couldn't fix them, I still felt loved and not alone after talking to you. There isn't a price tag I wouldn't pay to have an hour long convo with you again. ..
Waiting for your love,
Erika
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Happy Hour
Dear Mamacita,
Today was a very trying day. Potty training isn't going well. Monster Max is very stubborn and I am impatient. Bad combination! I went through two pairs of pants, four pairs of socks, 3 pairs of Max's socks, and five pairs of Max's undies. After so many frustrating hours of potty training I decided to go with Plan B. Plan B involves Xanax and using pull-ups until he figures out how to do this whole potty training thing. And the ironic thing is that once I decided that, I took a half of a Xanax and put Max on the potty chair before his nap. He took a huge poopie and was so excited about it that he stood up while he was still peeing and peed in a circle while exclaiming "Mom! Look at my huge poop!!" over and over! I laughed so hard. Then of course I took a pic of it on my camera phone and sent it to Dave! I would have loved to see his face when he downloaded the pic and realized I sent him a pic of a turd! *laughing* Then a little while later I put him on the potty again and peed a ton! It's 7:42 p.m. and he hasn't had another accident yet. Maybe it's the pull-ups, or maybe it's because I'm relaxed since I had decided to hand Max over to his daycare lady and tell her I failed and it's up to her to teach my son to use the potty, but for whatever reason, we've had 4 successes this afternoon and evening.
So I was stressed and sad by the time Dave got home this evening, but then the kiddos wanted to get out and play, so we sent them outside and then sat on the deck watching them while having a drink and listening to some relaxing music (Guggenheim Grotto, but that probably doesn't mean anything to you). We were able to have some nice adult conversation and just relax while the kids pretended to shoot the bad guys all over the yard! Then we grilled some chicken and sat on the deck and ate dinner. It was a perfect evening, mom. One that I know you would have loved to join us for. I pictured you sitting on the deck with us drinking a nice glass of Merlot and smiling as you listened to the kids chatter and the gentle banter between me and Dave. I have so many memories of this very thing with you.
I wish you could tell me what you are doing now in Heaven. What is it like to wake up at the feet of Jesus, or to be held in God's arms? What is the most beautiful sound there? Is it the sound of angel wings, or the angels singing, or the voice of God saying your name? I still don't understand how you can be experiencing all those things in Heaven and still know what's going on with us down here on Earth. I know someday I will know what it's like to touch the face of Jesus and be completely healed in both body and soul.
I got the final proof of your headstone that I designed today. I think it's beautiful, in the most sad, empty way it can be. if someone would have told me five months ago that today I would be calmly talking about your headstone, I would have lost all my composure. I am anxious to have it there on your grave. I want the world to know who rests there, and that you were so very loved.
Last Saturday Dave and I stopped out at your grave to talk to you after we had spent a really nice few hours with Dayton. I wanted to talk directly to you, so we sat on the ground and I began telling you about how everyone was doing, and the flood gates opened, so to speak. Dayton is doing well mom. He looks the best I have seen him look in months and months. He's gained some weight and his eyes look like he's sleeping again, in his own bed. The house was looking really good. And mom, Dayton is happy again... or at least, not so sad. He has a new friend named Joann and I think she is really good for him. He has someone to have coffee with, take out to dinner and just be with. He was so worried that I would be upset or feel like he was betraying your memory or love or something, but I put his mind at ease right away. I told him I was glad he found someone to spend time with, someone he really likes. I told him that you would just want him to be happy and not hurt so much. I know that's all you want for all of us. In some ways, I'm kind of jealous of Dayton. He has found a way to start moving on past his grief, and I really haven't yet. I know there's no timeline for grief, it's just a journey we must make by ourselves. Dayton was worried that people would think it was too soon for him to be going out with someone but I say screw them if they can't see that he's lonely and needs to have someone to be close to. I met Joann and she's really nice mom. You would approve and like her. She has three daughters of her own and lots of grandkids. I know you would never deny any of us anything or anyone that could comfort us. It felt really good to hang out with Dayton, mom. He was as relaxed as I've ever seen him and happy to be with us too. We had drinks outside at the patio table and he grilled country style ribs! They were delicious. He even had drinks ready for us when we got there. All of his effort and caring made me love him even more.
I miss you so much mom. I hung up the beautiful glass ornament I gave you for your birthday a few years ago, in my living room window. I'm going to put seasonal ribbons on it just like you did, and every time I see it, I will know you are with me. I love you so very very much mamacita. I'll write again soon.
All my Love and Hugs,
Erika
Today was a very trying day. Potty training isn't going well. Monster Max is very stubborn and I am impatient. Bad combination! I went through two pairs of pants, four pairs of socks, 3 pairs of Max's socks, and five pairs of Max's undies. After so many frustrating hours of potty training I decided to go with Plan B. Plan B involves Xanax and using pull-ups until he figures out how to do this whole potty training thing. And the ironic thing is that once I decided that, I took a half of a Xanax and put Max on the potty chair before his nap. He took a huge poopie and was so excited about it that he stood up while he was still peeing and peed in a circle while exclaiming "Mom! Look at my huge poop!!" over and over! I laughed so hard. Then of course I took a pic of it on my camera phone and sent it to Dave! I would have loved to see his face when he downloaded the pic and realized I sent him a pic of a turd! *laughing* Then a little while later I put him on the potty again and peed a ton! It's 7:42 p.m. and he hasn't had another accident yet. Maybe it's the pull-ups, or maybe it's because I'm relaxed since I had decided to hand Max over to his daycare lady and tell her I failed and it's up to her to teach my son to use the potty, but for whatever reason, we've had 4 successes this afternoon and evening.
So I was stressed and sad by the time Dave got home this evening, but then the kiddos wanted to get out and play, so we sent them outside and then sat on the deck watching them while having a drink and listening to some relaxing music (Guggenheim Grotto, but that probably doesn't mean anything to you). We were able to have some nice adult conversation and just relax while the kids pretended to shoot the bad guys all over the yard! Then we grilled some chicken and sat on the deck and ate dinner. It was a perfect evening, mom. One that I know you would have loved to join us for. I pictured you sitting on the deck with us drinking a nice glass of Merlot and smiling as you listened to the kids chatter and the gentle banter between me and Dave. I have so many memories of this very thing with you.
I wish you could tell me what you are doing now in Heaven. What is it like to wake up at the feet of Jesus, or to be held in God's arms? What is the most beautiful sound there? Is it the sound of angel wings, or the angels singing, or the voice of God saying your name? I still don't understand how you can be experiencing all those things in Heaven and still know what's going on with us down here on Earth. I know someday I will know what it's like to touch the face of Jesus and be completely healed in both body and soul.
I got the final proof of your headstone that I designed today. I think it's beautiful, in the most sad, empty way it can be. if someone would have told me five months ago that today I would be calmly talking about your headstone, I would have lost all my composure. I am anxious to have it there on your grave. I want the world to know who rests there, and that you were so very loved.
Last Saturday Dave and I stopped out at your grave to talk to you after we had spent a really nice few hours with Dayton. I wanted to talk directly to you, so we sat on the ground and I began telling you about how everyone was doing, and the flood gates opened, so to speak. Dayton is doing well mom. He looks the best I have seen him look in months and months. He's gained some weight and his eyes look like he's sleeping again, in his own bed. The house was looking really good. And mom, Dayton is happy again... or at least, not so sad. He has a new friend named Joann and I think she is really good for him. He has someone to have coffee with, take out to dinner and just be with. He was so worried that I would be upset or feel like he was betraying your memory or love or something, but I put his mind at ease right away. I told him I was glad he found someone to spend time with, someone he really likes. I told him that you would just want him to be happy and not hurt so much. I know that's all you want for all of us. In some ways, I'm kind of jealous of Dayton. He has found a way to start moving on past his grief, and I really haven't yet. I know there's no timeline for grief, it's just a journey we must make by ourselves. Dayton was worried that people would think it was too soon for him to be going out with someone but I say screw them if they can't see that he's lonely and needs to have someone to be close to. I met Joann and she's really nice mom. You would approve and like her. She has three daughters of her own and lots of grandkids. I know you would never deny any of us anything or anyone that could comfort us. It felt really good to hang out with Dayton, mom. He was as relaxed as I've ever seen him and happy to be with us too. We had drinks outside at the patio table and he grilled country style ribs! They were delicious. He even had drinks ready for us when we got there. All of his effort and caring made me love him even more.
I miss you so much mom. I hung up the beautiful glass ornament I gave you for your birthday a few years ago, in my living room window. I'm going to put seasonal ribbons on it just like you did, and every time I see it, I will know you are with me. I love you so very very much mamacita. I'll write again soon.
All my Love and Hugs,
Erika
Monday, August 23, 2010
Promises
Dear Mamacita,
Some of my loved ones have reminded me of the many things you and I have promised each other over the last year or so. I've been thinking about our last semi-annual girls weekend we took together back in October. We were at a crossroads in our lives. We had just found out what your official diagnosis was and were made aware of the three treatment options you had. We needed to get away and spend time with just each other to laugh, talk, cry, get hour long side by side massages, dinner at the Winds steakhouse at Grand Casino, and then drinks and more talk sitting at the lounge. After the first couple of drinks we started talking about what would happen if you didn't survive. Neither of us wanted to go down that road, but I knew that there were things we needed to talk about while we still could. I didn't know how sick you would get or when we would get time alone like that to talk again. The first thing you said, was "if I die, I want your promise that you won't be sad forever." I couldn't hold back the tears after that request, so I cried and said I promise I won't be sad forever. Then you said "You can't be sad forever because you have to take care of my babies!" We talked about your funeral wishes, who you wanted to be involved in your funeral, the music, the flowers..it was all too much. That was when my heart started to shatter. The thing that I feared the most was becoming a real possibility. You also made me promise that if I received any life insurance money I would use it to the best of my ability to make my life better, however that would mean. You said "Use every penny as wisely as you can to help yourself!" Well Mom, what actually happened with that money wasn't what helped my life, but was none the less the right thing to do. I believe that when you put good out in the universe it comes back to you. I know I did the right thing with the money. I'd do it again if I had to, but your words have often come to my mind, wondering if you would have made the same choice for me that I made.
I'm feeling over-tired, emotionally depleted, and really sad right now. It's just been a long day. It's Max's 3rd birthday. Yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it would until after everyone left. As soon as Dave took Max downstairs to bed, Sam came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and said "It just doesn't feel right that Nana wasn't here. She comes to all our parties!" So I held him and let him get some sadness out. We also started potty training today. I wish you were here for morale support. I want so badly to call you so you can hear Max's sweet voice as he says "I did it!!" The really sad part for me, is that this is only the first of a lifetime of milestones that you won't be here for.
Goodnight Mamacita.. I hope that I get to see you in my dreams.
All my love,
Erika
Some of my loved ones have reminded me of the many things you and I have promised each other over the last year or so. I've been thinking about our last semi-annual girls weekend we took together back in October. We were at a crossroads in our lives. We had just found out what your official diagnosis was and were made aware of the three treatment options you had. We needed to get away and spend time with just each other to laugh, talk, cry, get hour long side by side massages, dinner at the Winds steakhouse at Grand Casino, and then drinks and more talk sitting at the lounge. After the first couple of drinks we started talking about what would happen if you didn't survive. Neither of us wanted to go down that road, but I knew that there were things we needed to talk about while we still could. I didn't know how sick you would get or when we would get time alone like that to talk again. The first thing you said, was "if I die, I want your promise that you won't be sad forever." I couldn't hold back the tears after that request, so I cried and said I promise I won't be sad forever. Then you said "You can't be sad forever because you have to take care of my babies!" We talked about your funeral wishes, who you wanted to be involved in your funeral, the music, the flowers..it was all too much. That was when my heart started to shatter. The thing that I feared the most was becoming a real possibility. You also made me promise that if I received any life insurance money I would use it to the best of my ability to make my life better, however that would mean. You said "Use every penny as wisely as you can to help yourself!" Well Mom, what actually happened with that money wasn't what helped my life, but was none the less the right thing to do. I believe that when you put good out in the universe it comes back to you. I know I did the right thing with the money. I'd do it again if I had to, but your words have often come to my mind, wondering if you would have made the same choice for me that I made.
I'm feeling over-tired, emotionally depleted, and really sad right now. It's just been a long day. It's Max's 3rd birthday. Yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it would until after everyone left. As soon as Dave took Max downstairs to bed, Sam came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and said "It just doesn't feel right that Nana wasn't here. She comes to all our parties!" So I held him and let him get some sadness out. We also started potty training today. I wish you were here for morale support. I want so badly to call you so you can hear Max's sweet voice as he says "I did it!!" The really sad part for me, is that this is only the first of a lifetime of milestones that you won't be here for.
Goodnight Mamacita.. I hope that I get to see you in my dreams.
All my love,
Erika
Old Friends
Dear Mamacita,
Kim has been blogging some of her adventures in life and recently shared the following entry. It really made a difference in my heart so I wanted to let you know what she said. She is very intuitive and has always been able to read me well! I miss her and wish we could go back to being 14 and freshmen again. Life was so much simpler then. I feel so much older than my almost 35 years. So much has happened since I was 14...so much pain, and yes, so much joy. I thought you'd like to see this mom, so here's a partial entry from her blog:
"And finally, my old friend - who is also my cousin - is on my mind and in my heart a lot these days. Her mom died a few months ago, and Erika has taken it hard. Understandably so, as they were very close. I think Erika often felt like her mom was the only constant in her life, and that losing her meant losing place in the world. I'm not going to begin to go into all the challenges Erika and her mom have faced over the years, suffice it to say that the simple fact that Erika is a loving wife and mother, a talented teacher, and a great friend speaks volumes to her strength - both strength of character and spiritual strength. What would have crushed a lesser person has made Erika more beautiful. And while she is having problems seeing that right now, I know that Linda is with her in spirit, reminding her that it is ok to enjoy life, to laugh, to love, and to carry on. I know Linda would have wanted Erika to go on living and embracing all it offers. But I also know that she isn't quite ready to make that step yet. So I am asking everyone to send your prayers, thoughts, karma, or whatever spiritual things you do, to Erika. Give her your healing vibes, help her know that moving on doesn't mean forgetting, and that her mom is still with her - in herself and in her 2 beautiful children. Maybe if enough of us send her good thoughts, she can start to heal. It doesn't matter if you know her or not, send it anyway. Everything helps!"
Kim has been blogging some of her adventures in life and recently shared the following entry. It really made a difference in my heart so I wanted to let you know what she said. She is very intuitive and has always been able to read me well! I miss her and wish we could go back to being 14 and freshmen again. Life was so much simpler then. I feel so much older than my almost 35 years. So much has happened since I was 14...so much pain, and yes, so much joy. I thought you'd like to see this mom, so here's a partial entry from her blog:
"And finally, my old friend - who is also my cousin - is on my mind and in my heart a lot these days. Her mom died a few months ago, and Erika has taken it hard. Understandably so, as they were very close. I think Erika often felt like her mom was the only constant in her life, and that losing her meant losing place in the world. I'm not going to begin to go into all the challenges Erika and her mom have faced over the years, suffice it to say that the simple fact that Erika is a loving wife and mother, a talented teacher, and a great friend speaks volumes to her strength - both strength of character and spiritual strength. What would have crushed a lesser person has made Erika more beautiful. And while she is having problems seeing that right now, I know that Linda is with her in spirit, reminding her that it is ok to enjoy life, to laugh, to love, and to carry on. I know Linda would have wanted Erika to go on living and embracing all it offers. But I also know that she isn't quite ready to make that step yet. So I am asking everyone to send your prayers, thoughts, karma, or whatever spiritual things you do, to Erika. Give her your healing vibes, help her know that moving on doesn't mean forgetting, and that her mom is still with her - in herself and in her 2 beautiful children. Maybe if enough of us send her good thoughts, she can start to heal. It doesn't matter if you know her or not, send it anyway. Everything helps!"
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Difficult Conversations
Dear Mamacita,
I need you with me today. I'm so stressed and anxious about what's going to go down today. Dave and I are going to your house to meet with Dayton to talk about a lot of things that need to get talked about. The most important thing we need to talk about is your headstone. He was avoiding the topic every time I brought it up. I know it's painful, but I need to have it there at your grave. You deserve to have something beautiful there for people to recognize the life you lived and that you were so very loved. I made two different options mom. I made a single marker that is just for you, and I made a double that is for you and Dayton. Both are beautiful options I think. I'm hoping he will pick one and then we can agree on how to pay for it.
The next thing we need to talk about is Adam. Or rather how to deal with his situation. Dave and I think that Dayton just needs repeated permission to do the right thing. Adam is using Dayton's love for you to take advantage of him. He is bleeding him dry and stealing from him. Dave and I are going to tell him that you wouldn't accept that behavior from him and would involve the authorities. It's a hard line to take but enough is enough! I'm not sad for what's going to happen to Adam... just angry and hurt. I guess maybe I am sad.. sad for him that he has never been able to process any of the pain in his life, and has chosen to smother the pain with drugs. He knows that so many people love him, but that doesn't matter to him momma. He still continues to abuse his body and soul. He still continues to hurt everyone who loves him. He has made people afraid of him. I am afraid to be alone with him. I am afraid of his temper and violent mood swings. I know that he could hurt me physically and not even remember it when his high wears off.
When you were in the hospital after we found out that your cancer was terminal you were asking and asking where Adam was. He hadn't come to see you even once and in your heart you knew something was wrong. You asked me on the phone if he was in jail. I told you honestly that I didn't know but I felt things were headed that way. You cried and told me that I needed to remember that Adam is always forgiven. I have so much anger directed at him I'm not sure what forgiveness looks like in this situation. One definition of forgiveness that I can work with is "Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt someone just because they hurt me." I don't want to hurt him. But the hurts that he has done to me and you just keep adding up. I am angry with him for so many things. Where was he when you were in the hospital and staying with me for 6 months? He has ruined so many important moments of my life. He has always been a bruise on my heart. The previous 2 years before last October were the best two years we have had a family. He was clean and sober and working and taking care of his sweet little girl financially. Then as soon as you got sick(er) and had to move in with me, he went right back to what he used to do. I know that one day Adam and I will be able to address all the issues that stand in the way of our love for each other. I don't know when. Can I tell you what the secret fear in my heart is mamacita? I know he's going to die. I know it won't be long. You can't be an addict and live a long life. How will I deal with that mom? Everyone who isn't supposed to leave me has. My dad left me when I was five, my step-dad, whom I considered my dad left me at a crucial point in my life and hurt us for so long, you left me, and I know Adam is going to leave me too. Then I will be the only one from our family left. What the hell?!?! Sweet Jenny left us too early, funny, beautiful Aunt Kay left us too early, and then you! Sometimes mom all I want to do is scream profanity and break some glass to hear it shatter into a million pieces just like my heart! How can I deal mom? When does the pain end?
I also found out that my dad has had a series of small strokes. That terrifies me too mom. We have had a great relationship in the last 8 years. I don't think I can take losing him again.
I miss you so much momma. I need you here to talk to me. Tell me that I'm not alone in dealing with Adam and alone in dealing with this vast ocean of pain. I need you so much that sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I can't touch you and hear your voice again. I know where you are, and I know that I'm going there too someday, and that I will spend eternity with you, so really 50 years is only a blink of the eye in comparison to how long we will be together, but for right now, it may as well be 500 years. I ask you again Mamacita, please come visit me in my dreams or when I'm awake. Let me feel your presence and love. Help me mom.
A good friend of mine told me that I won't find you in Wisconsin Dells, in my kitchen, or in Hawaii. I will find you in my soul. She told me that I have been holding onto you so tightly, and maybe by letting go, I would feel some peace. She's right mom. I have been holding on so tightly. I am terrified of letting go of you and this painful experience. I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side of this pain. What if there's nothing? What if it's worse? What if I don't remember everything we've been through? I'm a mess mom. I still cry everyday from missing you, I think I may need a higher dosage of my depression meds, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist who specializes in grief and eating disorders. I'm really trying to take care of myself mom.
Here's the other thing that's on my heart. Maxwell's 3rd birthday party is on Sunday. It seems like an outrage to celebrate with you. I know if you were here you would tell me of course, without a doubt I should have the party to celebrate your baby! It all just feels fake to me. I don't feel like celebrating anything. I just want you to be here, or for me to be where you are.
I love you mamacita. More than life. Our hearts are forever connected, and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. Please be with me today mom. I need you.
All my love,
Erika
I need you with me today. I'm so stressed and anxious about what's going to go down today. Dave and I are going to your house to meet with Dayton to talk about a lot of things that need to get talked about. The most important thing we need to talk about is your headstone. He was avoiding the topic every time I brought it up. I know it's painful, but I need to have it there at your grave. You deserve to have something beautiful there for people to recognize the life you lived and that you were so very loved. I made two different options mom. I made a single marker that is just for you, and I made a double that is for you and Dayton. Both are beautiful options I think. I'm hoping he will pick one and then we can agree on how to pay for it.
The next thing we need to talk about is Adam. Or rather how to deal with his situation. Dave and I think that Dayton just needs repeated permission to do the right thing. Adam is using Dayton's love for you to take advantage of him. He is bleeding him dry and stealing from him. Dave and I are going to tell him that you wouldn't accept that behavior from him and would involve the authorities. It's a hard line to take but enough is enough! I'm not sad for what's going to happen to Adam... just angry and hurt. I guess maybe I am sad.. sad for him that he has never been able to process any of the pain in his life, and has chosen to smother the pain with drugs. He knows that so many people love him, but that doesn't matter to him momma. He still continues to abuse his body and soul. He still continues to hurt everyone who loves him. He has made people afraid of him. I am afraid to be alone with him. I am afraid of his temper and violent mood swings. I know that he could hurt me physically and not even remember it when his high wears off.
When you were in the hospital after we found out that your cancer was terminal you were asking and asking where Adam was. He hadn't come to see you even once and in your heart you knew something was wrong. You asked me on the phone if he was in jail. I told you honestly that I didn't know but I felt things were headed that way. You cried and told me that I needed to remember that Adam is always forgiven. I have so much anger directed at him I'm not sure what forgiveness looks like in this situation. One definition of forgiveness that I can work with is "Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt someone just because they hurt me." I don't want to hurt him. But the hurts that he has done to me and you just keep adding up. I am angry with him for so many things. Where was he when you were in the hospital and staying with me for 6 months? He has ruined so many important moments of my life. He has always been a bruise on my heart. The previous 2 years before last October were the best two years we have had a family. He was clean and sober and working and taking care of his sweet little girl financially. Then as soon as you got sick(er) and had to move in with me, he went right back to what he used to do. I know that one day Adam and I will be able to address all the issues that stand in the way of our love for each other. I don't know when. Can I tell you what the secret fear in my heart is mamacita? I know he's going to die. I know it won't be long. You can't be an addict and live a long life. How will I deal with that mom? Everyone who isn't supposed to leave me has. My dad left me when I was five, my step-dad, whom I considered my dad left me at a crucial point in my life and hurt us for so long, you left me, and I know Adam is going to leave me too. Then I will be the only one from our family left. What the hell?!?! Sweet Jenny left us too early, funny, beautiful Aunt Kay left us too early, and then you! Sometimes mom all I want to do is scream profanity and break some glass to hear it shatter into a million pieces just like my heart! How can I deal mom? When does the pain end?
I also found out that my dad has had a series of small strokes. That terrifies me too mom. We have had a great relationship in the last 8 years. I don't think I can take losing him again.
I miss you so much momma. I need you here to talk to me. Tell me that I'm not alone in dealing with Adam and alone in dealing with this vast ocean of pain. I need you so much that sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I can't touch you and hear your voice again. I know where you are, and I know that I'm going there too someday, and that I will spend eternity with you, so really 50 years is only a blink of the eye in comparison to how long we will be together, but for right now, it may as well be 500 years. I ask you again Mamacita, please come visit me in my dreams or when I'm awake. Let me feel your presence and love. Help me mom.
A good friend of mine told me that I won't find you in Wisconsin Dells, in my kitchen, or in Hawaii. I will find you in my soul. She told me that I have been holding onto you so tightly, and maybe by letting go, I would feel some peace. She's right mom. I have been holding on so tightly. I am terrified of letting go of you and this painful experience. I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side of this pain. What if there's nothing? What if it's worse? What if I don't remember everything we've been through? I'm a mess mom. I still cry everyday from missing you, I think I may need a higher dosage of my depression meds, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist who specializes in grief and eating disorders. I'm really trying to take care of myself mom.
Here's the other thing that's on my heart. Maxwell's 3rd birthday party is on Sunday. It seems like an outrage to celebrate with you. I know if you were here you would tell me of course, without a doubt I should have the party to celebrate your baby! It all just feels fake to me. I don't feel like celebrating anything. I just want you to be here, or for me to be where you are.
I love you mamacita. More than life. Our hearts are forever connected, and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. Please be with me today mom. I need you.
All my love,
Erika
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Dreams
Dear Mamacita,
I was going to try to write these letters to you chronologically but that doesn't seem to be working for me, so instead I'm just going to write what I feel and let my heart take me where I need to go with this blog.
It's hard for me to even describe how much I long to feel your presence. I ache to feel you standing next to me touching my shoulder, stroking my hair, touching my cheek with yours... I haven't felt you here with me yet. I don't know if my grief is just too overwhelming for me to be fully aware of what's really around me, or maybe the medication I have to take is making me numb to certain things... I just don't know. For the first three months after your death I had no dreams at all. I could only sleep if I took Xanax and then everything would literally just go black. It was a sweet mental and physical escape from all the pain. About a month ago things started to change. The dreams started to come back again...
The first dream of you that I had was both comforting and disturbing. It was dark and I had to be with you, or be close to you so I drove all the way to Hinckley to be by your grave. I began crying and crying and finally I layed down right on top of your grave and cried myself to sleep. It was raining softly as I slept there all night on your grave. I knew in my heart your spirit wasn't there, but I need to be close to your physical body. That is the first dream I remember having at all since your death.
The secocnd dream was just as odd... I was living in a house I have never been in before and I was putting some laundry away and I opened the closet door in my bedroom and you were standing in there. You looked anxious and nervous and scared. I laughed a little bit and said "Mom, why are you in the closet?" You didn't answer my question. Instead you took my hand and said "I want you to come in here with me.. I don't like it in here!" I asked what you didn't like about being in there and you said "There's shadows everywhere..I don't like it, I don't like it!" I told you then that you didn't have to stay in the closet, that you could come anywhere in my house and I wouldn't be afraid. You were welcome to wander around the house anytime you wanted. You were very timid and didn't speak to me as I lead you by the hand around the different rooms of this house. That's all I remember of that dream. I've been trying to analyze that dream without too much luck. Then Dave told me that he heard once that the other people in your dreams are really just manifestations of yourself. This made more sense to me. I'm the one who's scared to come out of the closet into the light. I'm afraid of all the shadows and darkness in my life right now. I need someone to pull me from the darkness and show me I don't have to be scared to live again. If I start healing mom, what does that mean? If I don't miss you so intensely every day, does that mean my love for you wasn't as deep as I thought it was? Will you feel like I have forgotten what it was we went through the last 6 months of your life? What do I do Momma? I need you here to tell me what to do..how to go on without you. I know you would wrap your arms around me and softly say "You'll be ok, baby, you'll be ok.." Part of me wants to scream "NO! I will never be ok again!" Anyways... back to the dreams..
The last dream I had about you was a couple of weeks ago... I was driving in a big van with the kids in the back and my neice Rachel in the front with me. We were in the country and I saw this cabin set back against the forest. I stopped the van because I knew without a doubt that your spirit was in that cabin. I wasn't scared...just anxious to get to you. I couldn't run fast enough... When I walked up the porch steps, I stopped in front of the screen door. I looked in and I saw you standing there! You were drinking a cup of coffee at the table and were shaking pills out of a bottle. I asked you if you were ok, and you said "Eventually, sweetheart, I will be..." I was so distraught that you weren't already better! When we die we are supposed to wake up at the feet of Jesus and be healed. Why weren't you better yet?? I was sooo mad that you were still in pain and filled with anxiety. Then you walked towards me and through the door. You started walking across the grassy yard towards the van, I knew that you wanted to see "your babies" and I also knew you were leaving me again. I started to cry hysterically and run after you, but I couldn't keep up with you.. I couldn't ever catch you.. You got close to the van and then disappeared before my eyes. I feel on my hands and knees and cried and cried because my heart hurt so bad again. Rachel saw me crying and came running towards me. I said to her "Tell me you saw her! Tell me you saw my mom! She was right there!!!" Rachel just said "I saw you running towards the van and then an expolsion of light and rainbows.. but I didn't see her.." It didn't matter that she didn't see you. I knew you were there.
So again, like Dave said if you were really me in the dream I guess that means somewhere in my heart and brain I know that I will eventually be ok. I'm not even close to ok right now, but baby steps, I guess.
I love you more than life Mamacita. You are mine... My heart is connected to your and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. I know you loved me since before I was born. We have an unbreakable golden cord that holds our hearts together.
All my love,
Lucita
I was going to try to write these letters to you chronologically but that doesn't seem to be working for me, so instead I'm just going to write what I feel and let my heart take me where I need to go with this blog.
It's hard for me to even describe how much I long to feel your presence. I ache to feel you standing next to me touching my shoulder, stroking my hair, touching my cheek with yours... I haven't felt you here with me yet. I don't know if my grief is just too overwhelming for me to be fully aware of what's really around me, or maybe the medication I have to take is making me numb to certain things... I just don't know. For the first three months after your death I had no dreams at all. I could only sleep if I took Xanax and then everything would literally just go black. It was a sweet mental and physical escape from all the pain. About a month ago things started to change. The dreams started to come back again...
The first dream of you that I had was both comforting and disturbing. It was dark and I had to be with you, or be close to you so I drove all the way to Hinckley to be by your grave. I began crying and crying and finally I layed down right on top of your grave and cried myself to sleep. It was raining softly as I slept there all night on your grave. I knew in my heart your spirit wasn't there, but I need to be close to your physical body. That is the first dream I remember having at all since your death.
The secocnd dream was just as odd... I was living in a house I have never been in before and I was putting some laundry away and I opened the closet door in my bedroom and you were standing in there. You looked anxious and nervous and scared. I laughed a little bit and said "Mom, why are you in the closet?" You didn't answer my question. Instead you took my hand and said "I want you to come in here with me.. I don't like it in here!" I asked what you didn't like about being in there and you said "There's shadows everywhere..I don't like it, I don't like it!" I told you then that you didn't have to stay in the closet, that you could come anywhere in my house and I wouldn't be afraid. You were welcome to wander around the house anytime you wanted. You were very timid and didn't speak to me as I lead you by the hand around the different rooms of this house. That's all I remember of that dream. I've been trying to analyze that dream without too much luck. Then Dave told me that he heard once that the other people in your dreams are really just manifestations of yourself. This made more sense to me. I'm the one who's scared to come out of the closet into the light. I'm afraid of all the shadows and darkness in my life right now. I need someone to pull me from the darkness and show me I don't have to be scared to live again. If I start healing mom, what does that mean? If I don't miss you so intensely every day, does that mean my love for you wasn't as deep as I thought it was? Will you feel like I have forgotten what it was we went through the last 6 months of your life? What do I do Momma? I need you here to tell me what to do..how to go on without you. I know you would wrap your arms around me and softly say "You'll be ok, baby, you'll be ok.." Part of me wants to scream "NO! I will never be ok again!" Anyways... back to the dreams..
The last dream I had about you was a couple of weeks ago... I was driving in a big van with the kids in the back and my neice Rachel in the front with me. We were in the country and I saw this cabin set back against the forest. I stopped the van because I knew without a doubt that your spirit was in that cabin. I wasn't scared...just anxious to get to you. I couldn't run fast enough... When I walked up the porch steps, I stopped in front of the screen door. I looked in and I saw you standing there! You were drinking a cup of coffee at the table and were shaking pills out of a bottle. I asked you if you were ok, and you said "Eventually, sweetheart, I will be..." I was so distraught that you weren't already better! When we die we are supposed to wake up at the feet of Jesus and be healed. Why weren't you better yet?? I was sooo mad that you were still in pain and filled with anxiety. Then you walked towards me and through the door. You started walking across the grassy yard towards the van, I knew that you wanted to see "your babies" and I also knew you were leaving me again. I started to cry hysterically and run after you, but I couldn't keep up with you.. I couldn't ever catch you.. You got close to the van and then disappeared before my eyes. I feel on my hands and knees and cried and cried because my heart hurt so bad again. Rachel saw me crying and came running towards me. I said to her "Tell me you saw her! Tell me you saw my mom! She was right there!!!" Rachel just said "I saw you running towards the van and then an expolsion of light and rainbows.. but I didn't see her.." It didn't matter that she didn't see you. I knew you were there.
So again, like Dave said if you were really me in the dream I guess that means somewhere in my heart and brain I know that I will eventually be ok. I'm not even close to ok right now, but baby steps, I guess.
I love you more than life Mamacita. You are mine... My heart is connected to your and it doesn't matter if I can see you or not. I know you loved me since before I was born. We have an unbreakable golden cord that holds our hearts together.
All my love,
Lucita
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The Beginning of the End
Dear Mamacita,
I have started this blog as an outlet for all of the pain, rage, and despair I feel since you have left this life. I know there's a lot of things I need to work through mom, so I guess I should start at the beginning. I hope that by writing you these letters I can process some of the stuff going on inside my brain and heart and I hope it eases the intense desire I have to talk to you again. There are days that I think I am losing control of myself because I need to call you and talk. People have said that it gets easier with time.... I don't believe that right now. It's been 3 months since you've gone, and it just feels longer and longer and longer since I've heard your voice and felt your love and joy and support in my life. And I know it's only going to get longer till I feel your arms around me again. I'm not sure how to deal with that mom. Anyways.. back to the beginning....
The beginning of the end started last July when we were all at Wisconsin Dells. You had a hematologist appointment at the V.A. in St. Cloud in the middle of the week we were there. It was a long drive for you to go there but you needed to get in to see this specialist. I remember waiting and waiting at our condo to hear from you. We knew there was something strange going on with your blood counts but so far no one had figured it out. Then you called me on your way back to the Dells.... You wanted to tell me in person what they told you, but I was too impatient and stressed out to wait, so I made you tell me on the phone. That was the first time we heard the dreaded "L" word. They weren't sure, but some form of Leukemia was a real possibility. After I hung up with you, I walked straight up to Dave and burst into tears. How could I possibly tell him that my amazing mom might have cancer?? After you got back, we were all in shock and I think I avoided you and talking about it with you, out of sheer fear. When you and I did get some alone time, all I could do is cry or just be angry. I didn't understand how they could tell you have have Leukemia and just let you leave the hospital, so part of me still chose to believe that it couldn't be true.
Things were getting worse physically for you that week. You couldn't walk down the hall without support and several breaks. You were so weak. My heart broke every time I saw you struggling to follow our boys (your babies) down the hall. It was a bittersweet week. It was the last vacation we would all be on together. The good memories are precious and Sam and I will never forget the special ones.
The next thing we knew it was Maxwell's 2nd birthday! We had a party here at the house for him and you and Dayton came. It was a good party but you had to go lay down for a nap. A few hours after your nap you needed to lay down again. That really concerned me, so I came into our bedroom to check on you and you were absolutely freezing! I had the mattress warmer on, every blanket I could find, I even put pillows on top of you for weight and a heating pad on your feet. Then I climbed in next to you until the shudders stopped and you were more peaceful. That was the first time I was really scared.
Then came the day that changed my life forever. The day before my birthday you weren't feeling well and went to the hospital in Mora, you were too sick for them to care for you, so they transported you by ambulance down to Abbott hospital in the cities. They started all the tests and got your body stable. Then came my birthday. I took the afternoon off, so that I could go be with you at the hospital. Dayton kept calling me asking when I was going to be there. I could tell something was wrong, but he wouldn't tell me what. When I got there, you sat me and Adam down and explained what they doctors had found out from all the tests they ran. It was official. You had MDS, a form of Leukemia. Very calmly you told us that the doctors told you there were 3 options. The first option was to do nothing...no treatment. In which case you would live a couple more weeks. The second option was to do just chemo, in which case you might live 3-6 months. The third option was to do chemo, radiation, and go through with a bone marrow transplant. The odds of surviving all of that were around 35%. It would be the greatest battle you ever fought if that's the route you chose.
After finding all of this out, I left your room and went to call Dave to tell him I needed him at the hospital immediately. He left work and was on his way before he even ended the call. I was terrified as I sat in the family waiting room crying and crying, trying to make sense of what I had just been told. How was it possible that my mom only had a 35% chance of living through this disease??! The rest of that day is blurry to me. The last thing I remember is laying in bed with Dave that night, all cried out.. my heart and soul just numb to everything. We shared a pair of earbuds and listened to an acoustic version of "No woman, no cry" by Bob Marley. That's how I fell asleep that night... in my sweet husbands arms, listening to quiet calm music....
I have to stop here now mom. My chest aches and I need to step back from the memories for a little while. I love you so much and I will write again soon. Please come visit me if you can...let me feel your presence. I won't be scared. I'll know it's just you...
Con todos mi amor,
Su hija,
Lucy
I have started this blog as an outlet for all of the pain, rage, and despair I feel since you have left this life. I know there's a lot of things I need to work through mom, so I guess I should start at the beginning. I hope that by writing you these letters I can process some of the stuff going on inside my brain and heart and I hope it eases the intense desire I have to talk to you again. There are days that I think I am losing control of myself because I need to call you and talk. People have said that it gets easier with time.... I don't believe that right now. It's been 3 months since you've gone, and it just feels longer and longer and longer since I've heard your voice and felt your love and joy and support in my life. And I know it's only going to get longer till I feel your arms around me again. I'm not sure how to deal with that mom. Anyways.. back to the beginning....
The beginning of the end started last July when we were all at Wisconsin Dells. You had a hematologist appointment at the V.A. in St. Cloud in the middle of the week we were there. It was a long drive for you to go there but you needed to get in to see this specialist. I remember waiting and waiting at our condo to hear from you. We knew there was something strange going on with your blood counts but so far no one had figured it out. Then you called me on your way back to the Dells.... You wanted to tell me in person what they told you, but I was too impatient and stressed out to wait, so I made you tell me on the phone. That was the first time we heard the dreaded "L" word. They weren't sure, but some form of Leukemia was a real possibility. After I hung up with you, I walked straight up to Dave and burst into tears. How could I possibly tell him that my amazing mom might have cancer?? After you got back, we were all in shock and I think I avoided you and talking about it with you, out of sheer fear. When you and I did get some alone time, all I could do is cry or just be angry. I didn't understand how they could tell you have have Leukemia and just let you leave the hospital, so part of me still chose to believe that it couldn't be true.
Things were getting worse physically for you that week. You couldn't walk down the hall without support and several breaks. You were so weak. My heart broke every time I saw you struggling to follow our boys (your babies) down the hall. It was a bittersweet week. It was the last vacation we would all be on together. The good memories are precious and Sam and I will never forget the special ones.
The next thing we knew it was Maxwell's 2nd birthday! We had a party here at the house for him and you and Dayton came. It was a good party but you had to go lay down for a nap. A few hours after your nap you needed to lay down again. That really concerned me, so I came into our bedroom to check on you and you were absolutely freezing! I had the mattress warmer on, every blanket I could find, I even put pillows on top of you for weight and a heating pad on your feet. Then I climbed in next to you until the shudders stopped and you were more peaceful. That was the first time I was really scared.
Then came the day that changed my life forever. The day before my birthday you weren't feeling well and went to the hospital in Mora, you were too sick for them to care for you, so they transported you by ambulance down to Abbott hospital in the cities. They started all the tests and got your body stable. Then came my birthday. I took the afternoon off, so that I could go be with you at the hospital. Dayton kept calling me asking when I was going to be there. I could tell something was wrong, but he wouldn't tell me what. When I got there, you sat me and Adam down and explained what they doctors had found out from all the tests they ran. It was official. You had MDS, a form of Leukemia. Very calmly you told us that the doctors told you there were 3 options. The first option was to do nothing...no treatment. In which case you would live a couple more weeks. The second option was to do just chemo, in which case you might live 3-6 months. The third option was to do chemo, radiation, and go through with a bone marrow transplant. The odds of surviving all of that were around 35%. It would be the greatest battle you ever fought if that's the route you chose.
After finding all of this out, I left your room and went to call Dave to tell him I needed him at the hospital immediately. He left work and was on his way before he even ended the call. I was terrified as I sat in the family waiting room crying and crying, trying to make sense of what I had just been told. How was it possible that my mom only had a 35% chance of living through this disease??! The rest of that day is blurry to me. The last thing I remember is laying in bed with Dave that night, all cried out.. my heart and soul just numb to everything. We shared a pair of earbuds and listened to an acoustic version of "No woman, no cry" by Bob Marley. That's how I fell asleep that night... in my sweet husbands arms, listening to quiet calm music....
I have to stop here now mom. My chest aches and I need to step back from the memories for a little while. I love you so much and I will write again soon. Please come visit me if you can...let me feel your presence. I won't be scared. I'll know it's just you...
Con todos mi amor,
Su hija,
Lucy
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