Dear Mamacita,
Life just isn't getting easier for me and Dave. Yesterday morning Sue's husband Dave died of a sudden heart attack. He was only 47 years old. My heart is hurting so much for the pain I see and feel in Dave, Sue, Rach, Becca.....everyone. I am so incredibly sad for the path that Rach and Becca have to walk now, without their dad. I know the pain they are in for now. I will be there for them in every single way that I can to help them know that they aren't alone, and they will make it through this dark time of their lives. My heart breaks for Sue. She knew Dave for 31 years. That's a long time to love someone and lose your husband and best friend. I miss Dave so much too. In the last five months we have grown so much closer. He was the only one in our family that had lost a parent, and whenever we saw each other he would slide an arm around me and look me in the eyes and ask me how I was doing. And I knew I didn't have to explain my feelings to him. He just "got" it. He just knew what was on my mind. I will miss his quiet, loving way, his funny sense of humor that would make you take a double take, and how his smile always reached his eyes. He will be missed so badly by so many people. If you see him up there mom, give him a hug from all of us, and "show him the ropes" of Heaven.
It's fall now mom. This was always our favorite time of year. You loved how dry and crisp the air felt and of course, the beautiful fall colors. Dave just reminded me that next Tuesday is my birthday. It shocked me. It doesn't seem possible that it's been almost a year since that terrible day a year ago when our lives began to spiral downwards. I don't want it to be fall. I don't want to see the leaves change color. It shouldn't be happening without you. I still picture you here with me, wearing that beautiful perfect fall red sweater and a pair of jeans, sitting at my table having coffee with me and just chatting about life, love , Monster Max, and Sam Sam. I loved our chats and miss them so incredibly much. Just having you here in my house, laughing and talking with me was the best feeling ever! I always felt so loved and supported by being with you. The boys would just light up when you would walk in the door. I will never forget the look on your face every single time you came in the house and saw the boys. The was just a look of complete joy and love on your face and in your eyes. It was like your heart had come home. The four of us were together, and life was good. The world felt like it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Do you think it will ever feel like that again? I just don't know mom. Maybe someday when I'm a nana and I'm sitting in one of my son's houses with them and their kids... Hard to even imagine at this point.
I decided how I want to spend my birthday this year mom. Dave and I are going to take the day off of work and school, take the kids to school and daycare, and then drive down to Stillwater for the day. We love it down there! We're going to have lunch at Smalley's Caribbean BBQ and Pirate Bar, and just walk around and see what we see. I didn't want to be alone on this anniversary of something so sad, and I didn't want to be at work, because my heart wouldn't be in it. So I'm really looking forward to some alone time with Dave.
We still haven't finished dealing with your headstone issue. Dayton refuses to sign the damn contract and write the check and send it in. We even told him that we would pay for it, and that just made him blow up, saying "he's a big boy and doesn't need anyone to take care of his problems" etc. etc. I can't even tell you how irate I am over this situation mom. I feel like he doesn't give a damn how I feel, and that I need this headstone to be there to heal part of my heart. He told the funeral director yesterday that "it's just too soon" for him. WTH??!!!?? It's been 5 months and he's dating someone, so it's not like he's wallowing in sorrow or self-pity at home and can't function with the grief. Why won't he do this momma? He just seems so selfish and self-absorbed right now. I don't think he truly understands how I feel and how incredibly hard this has been and is for me.
I have a request mom. Can you please check in with God, after choir practice, and ask for some special favors? We need some help down here. I need help with Dayton, and my husband and his side of our family is hurting. I pray for comfort for all of them that are hurting. Please let me feel your love around me mom. I need you. Now more than ever....
Love and Mixed Feelings of Fall,
Erika
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
5 months
Dear Mamacita,
It's been 5 months, mom. You have been free for 5 months now. Free from pain, procedures, doctors, humiliation and fear. And I know that you are in an amazing place now mom. You are young, beautiful, perfectly healthy, and completely happy in the arms of God. For that, I am grateful. However, these have been the worst 5 months of my entire life. I miss our relationship so incredibly much! There are still a billion times a day I want to call you, text you, or see you just to tell you something or hear the love in your voice when you say "Hi Sweetie" when you answer the phone. Sometimes I think I could cry for days without stopping. There are times that I just want to be alone for a week, a month...just to be alone with my grief. I want to escape from all the other demands in my life and be able to concentrate just on my heart. Maybe I'm just fooling myself or wishing too hard, but sometimes I think that if I could just be alone, sitting on the flat rocks in Grand Marais, with nothing and no one around me that I could sense you and communicate with you somehow. Do you think God would allow that mom? When do I get to see you again? When will my heart start to heal?
Someone I trust confided in me that when she was going through a very difficult time in her life, she also had trouble feeling God. She said her faith had become "just" an intellectual thing, rather than an emotional connection to God. She said that just believing that God is there and is somehow taking care of everything counts as faith. She talked about how the fear felt cold to her. And that somehow with time she slowly began to trust life again. To trust God again. She was able to verbalize what I have been feeling. I don't trust that life won't keep taking things, taking people from me. Maybe instead of the word Life, the name God could be exchanged. Maybe I don't trust God with my whole heart right now. How do I learn to trust again? I know He is with me, and is taking care of me and was merciful with us during this whole experience, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's going to be next? Who will leave me next? You and Dave were the closest people to me in my whole world. You two were the the most significant people in my life, and now half of you are gone. Dave is all I have left. I am so lucky to have him. My world would be shattered if he wasn't in my life..
I would never abandon my God, my faith.. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take. I know our fragile human hearts can withstand amazing amounts of pain. I know I need to lay my hurt and anger, loneliness and sadness at Jesus' feet and ask Him to take it all away. Do you think God is listening mom? Do you think He has time for my insignificant little broken heart? In the scope of the world's problems, where does my broken heart rank in God's "To Do" list?
I keep telling myself that I'm going to write you a positive letter, that you're probably tired of just hearing about all the pain.. But then one of my best friends told me I didn't have to do that, and gave me permission to spew my pain, loneliness and anger in these letters to you.
I miss you mom. I'm 5 months closer to seeing you again. I know you're right around the corner, just waiting for me. Do you miss me there, or is that not even possible where you are? Do you feel me? Do you see me and my boys? So many questions..and after 5 months, I'm still not any closer to answering them.
Good night mom. Tomorrow is a new day...
All My Love,
Erika
It's been 5 months, mom. You have been free for 5 months now. Free from pain, procedures, doctors, humiliation and fear. And I know that you are in an amazing place now mom. You are young, beautiful, perfectly healthy, and completely happy in the arms of God. For that, I am grateful. However, these have been the worst 5 months of my entire life. I miss our relationship so incredibly much! There are still a billion times a day I want to call you, text you, or see you just to tell you something or hear the love in your voice when you say "Hi Sweetie" when you answer the phone. Sometimes I think I could cry for days without stopping. There are times that I just want to be alone for a week, a month...just to be alone with my grief. I want to escape from all the other demands in my life and be able to concentrate just on my heart. Maybe I'm just fooling myself or wishing too hard, but sometimes I think that if I could just be alone, sitting on the flat rocks in Grand Marais, with nothing and no one around me that I could sense you and communicate with you somehow. Do you think God would allow that mom? When do I get to see you again? When will my heart start to heal?
Someone I trust confided in me that when she was going through a very difficult time in her life, she also had trouble feeling God. She said her faith had become "just" an intellectual thing, rather than an emotional connection to God. She said that just believing that God is there and is somehow taking care of everything counts as faith. She talked about how the fear felt cold to her. And that somehow with time she slowly began to trust life again. To trust God again. She was able to verbalize what I have been feeling. I don't trust that life won't keep taking things, taking people from me. Maybe instead of the word Life, the name God could be exchanged. Maybe I don't trust God with my whole heart right now. How do I learn to trust again? I know He is with me, and is taking care of me and was merciful with us during this whole experience, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's going to be next? Who will leave me next? You and Dave were the closest people to me in my whole world. You two were the the most significant people in my life, and now half of you are gone. Dave is all I have left. I am so lucky to have him. My world would be shattered if he wasn't in my life..
I would never abandon my God, my faith.. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take. I know our fragile human hearts can withstand amazing amounts of pain. I know I need to lay my hurt and anger, loneliness and sadness at Jesus' feet and ask Him to take it all away. Do you think God is listening mom? Do you think He has time for my insignificant little broken heart? In the scope of the world's problems, where does my broken heart rank in God's "To Do" list?
I keep telling myself that I'm going to write you a positive letter, that you're probably tired of just hearing about all the pain.. But then one of my best friends told me I didn't have to do that, and gave me permission to spew my pain, loneliness and anger in these letters to you.
I miss you mom. I'm 5 months closer to seeing you again. I know you're right around the corner, just waiting for me. Do you miss me there, or is that not even possible where you are? Do you feel me? Do you see me and my boys? So many questions..and after 5 months, I'm still not any closer to answering them.
Good night mom. Tomorrow is a new day...
All My Love,
Erika
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Spiritually Deaf
Dear Mamacita,
Today I went back to church for the first time since, well...what seems like forever. I stopped going when you got really sick. There didn't seem to be any time and if there was some down time I just wanted to be at home. Then when you died, I had a lot of issues with going to church again. I guess in this letter I'd like to tell you about where I'm at with God, mom. You and I used to have such amazing conversations... Sometimes they'd be lighthearted and funny, and sometimes they were deep...trying to figure out things maybe we aren't meant to know in this lifetime.
I've told you before that I'm not angry at God for taking you home to be with Him. I know that was merciful on His part. I know He didn't make you sick. Here's where I have the problem, mom. I don't hear Him anymore. I don't hear you anymore. I know that God hasn't left me for one single moment during this last sad year of my life. But, I can't feel Him. I can't feel you. I feel so incredibly lonely for both of you. Why can't I feel and hear God, mom? The more I try to hear Him, and don't, the angrier I get. The more I try to sense your presence and don't, the more frustrated and sad I become. I talk to God, mom. I pray for others, I pray for my family and even strangers I see on the street. I'll see a teenage girl walking down the sidewalk and pray that God brings good things into her life and keep her safe. Maybe I just haven't asked Him to help me. Maybe He is helping me and I just can't tell. I pray that He will let me sense you near me, but I haven't. Why won't He allow that mom? I wouldn't be afraid if I sensed you in the room with me. I would feel comforted I think. The silence I feel from God and you makes me feel insignificant. I'm sure God has way more important things to be handling than my sad and hurting heart. I have repeatedly said that I'm not angry with God, but I guess I am. Just because I feel so distant from Him and you. Why won't He talk to me, or comfort me, or let you visit me? And if you have, why can't I feel it???
It was good to be at church again today. I loved seeing some friends there. However I was expecting an emotional reunion between me and God, and that didn't happen. There have been so many times at church that I have felt the Holy Spirit there in our midst, but I couldn't sense that today. I left feeling a little disappointed that I didn't feel God there either. I was happy that my boys loved being back. But I felt numb as I left.
I've got a lot on my heart right now. We are having some serious issues with a family member, concerning your headstone, and I don't know how that's going to be resolved. It will all come to a head this week though. Also, Tuesday will be 5 months since you've died. That doesn't seem possible. I hate every minute of this mom. My chest hurts tonight. I need to go to bed and blackout for awhile and escape the heartache for awhile.
I love you more than anything mamacita. You were my mom and best friend. Please visit me when you can.......even if it's in my dreams.
Love and tight hugs,
Lucita
Today I went back to church for the first time since, well...what seems like forever. I stopped going when you got really sick. There didn't seem to be any time and if there was some down time I just wanted to be at home. Then when you died, I had a lot of issues with going to church again. I guess in this letter I'd like to tell you about where I'm at with God, mom. You and I used to have such amazing conversations... Sometimes they'd be lighthearted and funny, and sometimes they were deep...trying to figure out things maybe we aren't meant to know in this lifetime.
I've told you before that I'm not angry at God for taking you home to be with Him. I know that was merciful on His part. I know He didn't make you sick. Here's where I have the problem, mom. I don't hear Him anymore. I don't hear you anymore. I know that God hasn't left me for one single moment during this last sad year of my life. But, I can't feel Him. I can't feel you. I feel so incredibly lonely for both of you. Why can't I feel and hear God, mom? The more I try to hear Him, and don't, the angrier I get. The more I try to sense your presence and don't, the more frustrated and sad I become. I talk to God, mom. I pray for others, I pray for my family and even strangers I see on the street. I'll see a teenage girl walking down the sidewalk and pray that God brings good things into her life and keep her safe. Maybe I just haven't asked Him to help me. Maybe He is helping me and I just can't tell. I pray that He will let me sense you near me, but I haven't. Why won't He allow that mom? I wouldn't be afraid if I sensed you in the room with me. I would feel comforted I think. The silence I feel from God and you makes me feel insignificant. I'm sure God has way more important things to be handling than my sad and hurting heart. I have repeatedly said that I'm not angry with God, but I guess I am. Just because I feel so distant from Him and you. Why won't He talk to me, or comfort me, or let you visit me? And if you have, why can't I feel it???
It was good to be at church again today. I loved seeing some friends there. However I was expecting an emotional reunion between me and God, and that didn't happen. There have been so many times at church that I have felt the Holy Spirit there in our midst, but I couldn't sense that today. I left feeling a little disappointed that I didn't feel God there either. I was happy that my boys loved being back. But I felt numb as I left.
I've got a lot on my heart right now. We are having some serious issues with a family member, concerning your headstone, and I don't know how that's going to be resolved. It will all come to a head this week though. Also, Tuesday will be 5 months since you've died. That doesn't seem possible. I hate every minute of this mom. My chest hurts tonight. I need to go to bed and blackout for awhile and escape the heartache for awhile.
I love you more than anything mamacita. You were my mom and best friend. Please visit me when you can.......even if it's in my dreams.
Love and tight hugs,
Lucita
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Empty
Dear Mamacita,
I feel empty today. It's been one of those days where nothing feels right, and the anxiety is always just right there hiding beneath the surface. I miss everything that was you. I. want to talk to you on the phone and hear your voice. I want to feel your arms around me. I feel like a little kid, I want to crawl onto the couch with you and just snuggle. Even if you couldn't talk to me I just want to lay with you and snuggle and feel your warmth and tell you over and over how much I love and adore you.
On your birthday you held me while I cried, and I said "I don't think I can do this, Mom.." and you said "You'll be ok, baby.." When will that be mom? I feel so lonely for you, no one understands the relationship that we had. No one knows exactly how much I love and need you. Every single minute I long to hear your laughter, hear you say my name, hear you say I love you, just one more time. I wish I could dream of you mom. I wish I could have a really really good dream about you and me. I need you mamacita. I need to feel your presence. Do you know how broken my heart really is? If you do, I'm sure it makes you so sad. You told me not to be sad forever. I said I wouldn't, but I had no idea the pain would be like this.
Why did it have to end like this mom? Why did it have to be you? I feel like my kids have been robbed of the honor of growing up with you in their lives. I feel angry that you won't be there for all the milestones and all the little moments too. I get so angry that I just want to scream and curse and smash stuff. The emotions are so intense at times it feels like I can't contain them inside my heart and brain. The anger is white hot sometimes. And the sadness can be as blue as the night sky. Sometimes my chest hurts so bad that I think something may be physically wrong with me. The only escape I have is at night when I take 2 xanax and fall into a black sleep.
I don't want to leave my kids and my family and friends here, but I just long to be with you, in place of eternal peace and healing. I want to find you again and feel whole again. I want you here in my life. I need you mom. What am I supposed to do about that? What can I do about my grief? What can I do about the pain? What am I supposed to do when my kids ask for you and I can't explain it to them? So many questions and no freakin answers. I'm done mom. There's nothing left in me tonight except pain and emptiness. I'm done trying to explain how to I feel to others. Sad doesn't cover it, angry doesn't cover it, heartbroken doesn't cover it. It's all those things multiplied by a billion.
One final thought of the night mom.... a quote you would agree with..
"Grief is the price we pay for love." Queen Elizabeth II
Love,
Me
I feel empty today. It's been one of those days where nothing feels right, and the anxiety is always just right there hiding beneath the surface. I miss everything that was you. I. want to talk to you on the phone and hear your voice. I want to feel your arms around me. I feel like a little kid, I want to crawl onto the couch with you and just snuggle. Even if you couldn't talk to me I just want to lay with you and snuggle and feel your warmth and tell you over and over how much I love and adore you.
On your birthday you held me while I cried, and I said "I don't think I can do this, Mom.." and you said "You'll be ok, baby.." When will that be mom? I feel so lonely for you, no one understands the relationship that we had. No one knows exactly how much I love and need you. Every single minute I long to hear your laughter, hear you say my name, hear you say I love you, just one more time. I wish I could dream of you mom. I wish I could have a really really good dream about you and me. I need you mamacita. I need to feel your presence. Do you know how broken my heart really is? If you do, I'm sure it makes you so sad. You told me not to be sad forever. I said I wouldn't, but I had no idea the pain would be like this.
Why did it have to end like this mom? Why did it have to be you? I feel like my kids have been robbed of the honor of growing up with you in their lives. I feel angry that you won't be there for all the milestones and all the little moments too. I get so angry that I just want to scream and curse and smash stuff. The emotions are so intense at times it feels like I can't contain them inside my heart and brain. The anger is white hot sometimes. And the sadness can be as blue as the night sky. Sometimes my chest hurts so bad that I think something may be physically wrong with me. The only escape I have is at night when I take 2 xanax and fall into a black sleep.
I don't want to leave my kids and my family and friends here, but I just long to be with you, in place of eternal peace and healing. I want to find you again and feel whole again. I want you here in my life. I need you mom. What am I supposed to do about that? What can I do about my grief? What can I do about the pain? What am I supposed to do when my kids ask for you and I can't explain it to them? So many questions and no freakin answers. I'm done mom. There's nothing left in me tonight except pain and emptiness. I'm done trying to explain how to I feel to others. Sad doesn't cover it, angry doesn't cover it, heartbroken doesn't cover it. It's all those things multiplied by a billion.
One final thought of the night mom.... a quote you would agree with..
"Grief is the price we pay for love." Queen Elizabeth II
Love,
Me
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A New Year
Dear Mamacita,
Today was the second day of school. Yesterday I was a mess. I was so very anxious, nervous, excited, and sad all at once. I felt sick to my stomach all morning. I was anxious and nervous because I didn't know what to expect from these 5th graders. I wasn't sure I knew how to talk to them, what they would be like, and if they would like me too. I know that's insecure of me, but it is what it is. I was so sad because this is the first school year I have ever started without you. Since my first day of kindergarten through my first day of student teaching, you were there for me. You always had such complete faith and belief in me. You always thought I could do anything. You encouraged me and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You were always so interested in every detail of my and Sam's days at school. You loved the funny stories and when I would tell you frustrating stories of things that had happened during the day you would help me find the humor in it all. You were so insightful and I miss you so much. I wish you were here to decompress with. I want to go over everything with you. I feel like there is so much that you are missing, that you don't know. It scares me that you might not know what's going on in my life.
I am missing telling you my Monster Max stories. For example, tonight after dinner I started clearing the dishes from the table and Max ran and sat next to Sam on the big chair. We had a feeling he needed to use the potty but he didn't say anything so I walked over there and he had already started going pee and poop in his undies! So I ran him into the bathroom and had to dig a huge chunk of poop out of his undies using some toilet paper! I know if I would have called you, you would have burst out laughing and made me see the humor in it, and that would have made me love you and Max even more.
When I was missing you really bad on Tuesday morning, I told a friend of mine that I really needed you with me, and she said "she's in your heart and soul, and the only difference is this year she gets to be in your classroom with you!" That thought was so comforting! I don't know if you have been visiting me in my class, but everything has gone really well. I have been feeling happy at school these last two days and feeling like I may just have found my place. I wish I could look in your eyes as I tell you all this. I guess I will just have to hope you're in my classroom and in my heart. If I could ask one thing of you mom, it would be for you to look in on Sam during his days at school. I worry about him. I know he's trying so hard socially right now. I know it's so stressful for him. I hope you're there to lay your hand on his shoulder and guide him through all the social situations that he needs help with. He misses you so bad too mom. He talks about you all the time. He told me his wish for this school year was that you were still alive. I didn't even know what to say to that. I just tried not to cry.
I also just went to our first family get together without you there. The vibe was totally different without you there. When things got silly or exasperating, you weren't there to make eye contact with and laugh with. Missing you doesn't begin to cover how I feel about not having you here. It feels like the light in my life is now dim. There's still light, it's just not as bright. I'm not sure it ever will be as bright as when you were in my life.
There's so much pain and trouble in life right now. Adam is hurting both himself and Dayton so much. I know this can only end one way for him. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later. Dayton can't take it, and I can barely take the stress of dealing with the fallout. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not responsible for either one of their actions and can't control either one of them. I can't make either of them do the right thing.
I know that God didn't take you away from me. I know He didn't make you sick, and He didn't want for any of us to suffer. I know He has been merciful in this whole journey. He can't give me you back, but someday, He will take me to be with you and Him. Until then he has made my earthly relationships so much better. I feel so much closer to so many people. My "Fristas", brothers-in-law, friends, and aunts, uncles, and some cousins. People have been there for me in ways I never could have anticipated or imagined. I have never felt more loved by these people than I do now in my life. Losing you has made me realize just exactly how much I love and need these people in my life. I know they haven't changed, I have. There is a whole new place in my heart for love and understanding. I can't change the fact that I haven't always been there for other people when they really needed it, but now I get it. I don't think a person can truly understand what someone is going through unless they have experienced a traumatic and significant loss in their own lives. The people in my life that haven't ever lost someone they were close to, or gone through a life changing situation, have no idea how much I hurt and how much the human soul can endure. My co-workers are so wonderful. I am still amazed that when you died I had only known these people for 7 months and so many of them came to your visitation. I totally didn't expect it, but seeing them there meant so much to me. I know I have found my place as a teacher. I love them there at school, and don't want to be anywhere else. My girlfriends are amazing. I can call/text/email them when I'm hyper, happy, scared, or having a nervous breakdown. I know that they are just a text or phone call away. I would not be in the place I'm in today if not for them. I pray for blessings in their lives everyday.
I miss you Mamacita. I need to get ready for school tomorrow and get some lesson plans ready. Please visit me in my dreams mom. I need you....
Love and More Love,
Erika
Today was the second day of school. Yesterday I was a mess. I was so very anxious, nervous, excited, and sad all at once. I felt sick to my stomach all morning. I was anxious and nervous because I didn't know what to expect from these 5th graders. I wasn't sure I knew how to talk to them, what they would be like, and if they would like me too. I know that's insecure of me, but it is what it is. I was so sad because this is the first school year I have ever started without you. Since my first day of kindergarten through my first day of student teaching, you were there for me. You always had such complete faith and belief in me. You always thought I could do anything. You encouraged me and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You were always so interested in every detail of my and Sam's days at school. You loved the funny stories and when I would tell you frustrating stories of things that had happened during the day you would help me find the humor in it all. You were so insightful and I miss you so much. I wish you were here to decompress with. I want to go over everything with you. I feel like there is so much that you are missing, that you don't know. It scares me that you might not know what's going on in my life.
I am missing telling you my Monster Max stories. For example, tonight after dinner I started clearing the dishes from the table and Max ran and sat next to Sam on the big chair. We had a feeling he needed to use the potty but he didn't say anything so I walked over there and he had already started going pee and poop in his undies! So I ran him into the bathroom and had to dig a huge chunk of poop out of his undies using some toilet paper! I know if I would have called you, you would have burst out laughing and made me see the humor in it, and that would have made me love you and Max even more.
When I was missing you really bad on Tuesday morning, I told a friend of mine that I really needed you with me, and she said "she's in your heart and soul, and the only difference is this year she gets to be in your classroom with you!" That thought was so comforting! I don't know if you have been visiting me in my class, but everything has gone really well. I have been feeling happy at school these last two days and feeling like I may just have found my place. I wish I could look in your eyes as I tell you all this. I guess I will just have to hope you're in my classroom and in my heart. If I could ask one thing of you mom, it would be for you to look in on Sam during his days at school. I worry about him. I know he's trying so hard socially right now. I know it's so stressful for him. I hope you're there to lay your hand on his shoulder and guide him through all the social situations that he needs help with. He misses you so bad too mom. He talks about you all the time. He told me his wish for this school year was that you were still alive. I didn't even know what to say to that. I just tried not to cry.
I also just went to our first family get together without you there. The vibe was totally different without you there. When things got silly or exasperating, you weren't there to make eye contact with and laugh with. Missing you doesn't begin to cover how I feel about not having you here. It feels like the light in my life is now dim. There's still light, it's just not as bright. I'm not sure it ever will be as bright as when you were in my life.
There's so much pain and trouble in life right now. Adam is hurting both himself and Dayton so much. I know this can only end one way for him. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later. Dayton can't take it, and I can barely take the stress of dealing with the fallout. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not responsible for either one of their actions and can't control either one of them. I can't make either of them do the right thing.
I know that God didn't take you away from me. I know He didn't make you sick, and He didn't want for any of us to suffer. I know He has been merciful in this whole journey. He can't give me you back, but someday, He will take me to be with you and Him. Until then he has made my earthly relationships so much better. I feel so much closer to so many people. My "Fristas", brothers-in-law, friends, and aunts, uncles, and some cousins. People have been there for me in ways I never could have anticipated or imagined. I have never felt more loved by these people than I do now in my life. Losing you has made me realize just exactly how much I love and need these people in my life. I know they haven't changed, I have. There is a whole new place in my heart for love and understanding. I can't change the fact that I haven't always been there for other people when they really needed it, but now I get it. I don't think a person can truly understand what someone is going through unless they have experienced a traumatic and significant loss in their own lives. The people in my life that haven't ever lost someone they were close to, or gone through a life changing situation, have no idea how much I hurt and how much the human soul can endure. My co-workers are so wonderful. I am still amazed that when you died I had only known these people for 7 months and so many of them came to your visitation. I totally didn't expect it, but seeing them there meant so much to me. I know I have found my place as a teacher. I love them there at school, and don't want to be anywhere else. My girlfriends are amazing. I can call/text/email them when I'm hyper, happy, scared, or having a nervous breakdown. I know that they are just a text or phone call away. I would not be in the place I'm in today if not for them. I pray for blessings in their lives everyday.
I miss you Mamacita. I need to get ready for school tomorrow and get some lesson plans ready. Please visit me in my dreams mom. I need you....
Love and More Love,
Erika
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