You truly are the most beautiful, amazing, loving woman I have ever known. I miss you so much today mom! I love this picture of you! This is how I want to remember you today.. with a giddy, slap-happy smile, and glass of red wine! To honor your special day, Dave and I have a couple of things planned!
I took a half day off from work, and went to Byerly's and bought a beautiful birthday cake for you, and Dave got a bottle of Ulupalakua Red. I'll never forget the first time we drank a bottle of that Hawaiian wine together! It was when Dave and I were living in the condo in Plymouth, before we had kids, and you came over for the weekend. We grilled and ate dinner on the huge deck we had and shared this bottle of wine that we had brought back from Maui on our honeymoon! I remember the laughing, the silliness we shared, and how the whole bottle of wine was gone far too soon! It was one of many perfect evenings we've had together. We've shared many bottles since then, and I really wish you were here today to share this one with us.
We are going to take the kids to Guadalajara tonight for dinner. I asked Sam this morning what he thought we should do to celebrate your birthday, and he said "We should go to that Mexican restaurant, because Nana loved the pretty painted birds they have there!" I totally agree. And you did love the Mexican artwork there. So we're going to go there for dinner, then come home and have cake with the boys. We are going to put four birthday candles in it, and each of us is going to take a turn sending you a wish/love message and then blow out one candle. And after the boys go to bed, Dave and I will share the bottle of Red.
I'm trying not to go down the really sad road right now. I know at some point today/tonight that will be inevitable, though. This past weekend Dave and I went down to Stillwater and we were in a Chef store and I saw some dishes that took my breath away. They had butterflies and dragonflies on them. They were exactly your style, and all I could think was that if you were here, I would have bought them instantly for your birthday. It was so hard to walk out of there without buying one of the dishes. Dave asked me if I wanted to get one, and I realized that it wasn't the plate I wanted, it was just you. The dishes were your style, not mine, and I just needed a piece of you with me. So there I stood, tears in my eyes, not wanting to leave the store without you, and not wanting to stay there, where the pain was.
I won't ever forget, mom. I will remember your soothing, gentle voice. I will remember your hugs... and how I would make you laugh and feel uncomfortable when I had invaded your personal space for far too long by hugging you for an inappropriate length of time, according to you, that is! :) I will remember your radiant smiles when you would walk up the steps into my home, and you'd see your babies again. I will remember the feeling of an hour long phone call with you. I will remember your giggles when you were over-tired and everything was way funnier! I will remember the way you loved my boys like they were your own. I will remember how we used to text each other all the time. I will remember how on your last birthday, when we knew you were going to die, I should have been comforting you, but you were comforting and reassuring me. I will always remember standing in Target in the card section, trying to pick out what I knew would be the very last birthday card I would ever give you. With tears flowing down my cheeks, I called Dave and asked him how I could possibly pick one out, one that would say everything I needed it to say for the very last time. And with his sweet wisdom, he said it didn't matter which one I picked out because you already knew what I wanted to say to you. So I picked out two of them, and cried the entire way to the hospital as I wrote my final words of birthday love to you. I will remember your beautiful eyes and how they could look into my heart and know what was there. I will remember the warmth of your arms as you held me one year ago today while I cried, and said I didn't think I could do this without you. I will remember your strength as you rocked me and said "You'll be ok, baby.. You'll be ok."
I will remember your love.
With all of mine,
Erika
Oh Erika! I'm tearing up just reading this. I think you love your mother just as much as I love mine. Only difference is that I still have mine, and I wish you still had yours also. I know I will be a basket case for the rest of my life when the time comes when mine leaves. Your tributes to you mother are so beautiful. I know I'm not making any sense, just know that in some small way I do feel your pain. That Grandfather that we have the quilt made from was the rock of our family and I still tear up thinking about him not being around. So in some small way I do understand.
ReplyDelete