Dreams and Love

Dear Mamacita,

It's been months, since your birthday actually since I've written.  I'm not even going to try to go back and catch you up on all the stuff that has happened since then.  I just want to write to you about now.

We are leaving Wisconsin Dells today.  Our week long vacation here has ended.  It's been a mixed bag. Some high points, and of course many difficult points.  We are all about to go through another life transition as we go back to school and work on Monday.  Please be near us in the coming days and weeks.

It's been 16 months now since you've gone.. In some ways it's easier, the pain isn't as intense and all consuming as it was at first, but in some ways it's harder.  When I think about all the conversations we haven't had over the last 16 months, of all the things I haven't been able to call you up and tell you, it just seems horrible, lonely, and impossible.  We've gone through so much in the last four months.  I miss you so much Mom.  I feel so lonely at times.  Dave is hurting so much and dealing with the loss of his dad, so we're just trying to keep things together. 

I had another dream about you.  Actually I've had two since I last wrote.  In the first one, I saw you calling me on your cell phone, and we had a bad connection but I could see and hear you saying loudly into the phone "Erika, Erika, I love you.. I love you".  I got the message Mom.  Then a few nights ago I dreamt that I was in the hospital visiting you again.  I saw you in the hospital bed, you had all your hair and looked like your old self, not the one ravaged by chemo and cancer.  You held out your arms to me, and I hugged you and we held onto each other until I woke up.  We didn't talk, we didn't need to.  You knew what I needed.. just to feel your arms around me again and soak in your love.  God, I miss those hugs mom. 

Max is 4 now.  I can tell he's at a new emotional intelligence level, because he's been asking new questions about you, and asking for you.  He's been saying things like "Where's my Nana?"  "It's been sooo long, mama, since I got a snuggle from Nana!"  He's also been dreaming about you.  I know because sometimes when I get him up in the morning, he starts talking about you right away, asking for you, asking questions, etc.  And one night when it was just Max and I at home, he was sitting at the table finishing his dinner while I loaded the dishwasher, and out of nowhere he says "My Nana loves me!"  It took my breath away, and I knew in my heart you were near and had whispered that in his ear.  I got the message mom.  I've also realized that the messages and love you send my kids in their dreams and even while they are awake are messages to me as well.  I'm not as easily accessible so you go through the boys, who are.  It's taking me a while, momma, but I'm learning...

I love you so very much mom.  Every day I wish you were still here.  I miss having your constant love and support and strength.  A very good friend reminded me when I was having a very sad moment, that everything I need from you, you gave me before you left.  I play those words over and over in my mind.  You were the strongest woman I have ever known, and you used to tell me how strong you thought I was.  I never really believed it.  I'm not sure I do now, but I'm trying to have faith and remember that I am your daughter, and I learned love, strength, and persistence from you.  I try to honor you mom with the way I go on everyday, when it would be easier not to.  There are still times I want to give up and lock myself away and cry until all the pain goes away.  But I will keep moving forward.  It's what you would expect of me and want for me. 

I love you and miss you more than ever Mamacita.  I need to go to start packing.  I will write again soon.  Please come visit me either in my dreams or ur babies.  BTW, Monster Max is still as sassy and naughty as ever!  I'm sure you've seen, but he's still my cuddle muffin!  :)  And your Sam Sam loves and misses you so much too. 

Love and Hugs,
Erika