Reflections

Dear Mamacita,

It's been so long since I've written you a letter.  I tried a few weeks ago, and when I went to publish it, it disappeared, and I didn't have the heart to re-write the pain and loneliness I had just poured out.  So here I am again, a few weeks later.  I miss you so incredibly badly right now mom.  The last few weeks have been very difficult.  Where to start?  The stress has just been so consuming.  I'll pour it all out to you and try to let you make sense of it all.  I miss how I would call you when I was stressed and sad and tell you all the hurts on my heart and your words were like a soothing balm on my hearting heart.  Even if you couldn't fix the problem, you made me feel like I wasn't alone, and that we would both handle the challenges and hurts this life has to offer. 

Sam and Max have been constantly sick.  Ear infections, strep, head colds, etc.  Doctor visits, nebs, and medications have become the norm around here.  I've just finished parent/teacher conferences.  There's a lot of stress at school, and my dad has been in the hospital and going through a lot too.  Working the long days and not getting enough sleep are taking its toll.  I actually just went to the doctor myself yesterday because for the last few days I've been experiencing some disconcerting chest pain and irregular heartbeat.  I didn't know if it was caused from the meds I'm taking, anxiety, stress, or something else more serious.  The doctor said my EKG was normal, and that my symptoms are a result of too much stress.  He told me to find ways to decrease my stress.  I laughed at him, mom!  I said "Easier said than done".  I have two little kids, I'm a teacher, there's lots of stress at school, at home, and I've lost you this year. 

I can hear you whispering to my heart "How are you, Sweetie?"  Well mom, it's a mixed bag.  The new meds are definitely making me feel better, and I went to a DKM concert a couple of weeks ago, and I had the most fun I've had in, well for as long as I can remember.  I was with some of my very favorite people and I had a few drinks, ok a lot of drinks, and the concert was awesome!  It was the first time I had felt exuberance, and truly happy and carefree in a couple of years.  I wasn't thinking about broken hearts, sick kids, students, bills, responsibilities, or anything else that weighs on my heart and mind.  I was just free to enjoy being out and being a girl!  :)

Earlier this week when it was over 50 degrees I noticed some signs of spring.  It was so warm, it got me wondering if the plants in front of our house had started to spring up yet.  I pulled off the dead stuff from last year, and there hiding beneath it was the little green buds, pushing through the rocks!  Then I looked closely at our maple trees and I saw the buds.  I wanted to call you so badly right then.  I knew how excited you would have been!  It's been such a long, difficult winter.  I see signs of spring and rebirth all over.  Your tree in our back yard is finally unburied and the mound of wood chips is visible.  I got into my car after school and it was hot inside!  It felt so good to fee the sun soaking into my skin that day on the drive home.  I miss the warmth!  I remember how you would rejoice at the first sighting of a robin in your yard!  There are all these signs of hope and a change of season.  My hope is that God will help change the season in my life.  The winter I've been living in for the last year has changed me in so many ways.  Some things I don't even recognize about myself.

And to add one more stress to my plate, I got a phone call from the Pine County Sheriff asking me for Dayton's cell phone number.  The house alarm was going off in the background and he said that someone had broken into your house.  He said they kicked in the door and got in.  It's not a big mystery to figure out who could have been involved in the break-in.  I haven't been able to call Dayton yet, even though I know I should.  I just can't take the stress of dealing with Adam.  You knew it was going to be hard for me to keep picking up the pieces after you left.  I remember you apologizing that you were leaving me to deal with Adam alone.  I can't do it mom.  My brain knows that I'm not responsible for his choices and his actions, but that doesn't help me feel less embarrassed and angry over his actions.  He has to know that I'm hurting, and yet he doesn't care mom.  He hasn't once called me, or attempted to talk to me since before you died.  It feels like it's just one more person who has left me alone.

I can hear you whispering "What else baby?"  Ok, here it is mom.  I'm scared.  I've been doing better, but now I'm approaching spring break, when we found out that your cancer was back and it was the end of the line for you.  Also, your birthday is coming up.  I just don't know how God can ask me to live through the worst time of my entire life all over again.  I think that this is what has been hurting my chest lately.  Fear.  Can I really face the memories of losing you all over again?  How do I do that momma?  I almost lost myself the first time around.  When we were at Lake Vermillion together, long before any of this had started to play out, I asked you "How am I ever gonna live without you someday?"  And you said "We're gonna figure that out."  We never got around to figuring that out mom, and now here I am, still not knowing how to live my life fully without you in it.  All of the one year anniversaries are upon me... the day I was told your cancer was back and there was no hope, your decision to go back home for hospice care, the hospice in-take meeting, spending what would the last weekend ever with you, watching you hug my son goodbye for the last time, our last "I love you", our last embrace, our last lucid conversation, our last eye contact.  

The list of "lasts" stretches on.  I have to live through your final hours again, and what it was like to lay my head on your chest, crying, telling you that it was ok for you to go, that I would eventually be ok.  I have to replay your last breath, and sitting with you in that room until the sun came up, holding your lifeless hand, feeling how quickly your forehead and hands got cold.  Remembering the horror of the funeral home taking your body out of the house.  How I had already lost you spiritually and them taking your body away, made me lose you physically as well.  Mom, when you died, part of me died too.  I know I will never get back that part of my heart.  I know people can survive with a broken heart, with a piece of themselves missing, so I guess that's what I do.  You were my connection to my past and knew me like no one else ever can. 

Also, I know I'm going to have to talk to Dayton soon about your headstone.  I'm so fearful of that conversation.  I need this to be finished.  Maybe he will surprise us and be agreeable to everything, but that hasn't proven to be the case in the past.  He has a plan, but we aren't always privy to that information.  I pray that it will go well and we can get it ordered and placed as soon as possible.  You deserve it mom.

Over the past eleven months I've been slowly gluing my shattered heart back together.  I've been working hard on it mom.  I know I honor you by living, by loving your babies, by taking care of myself.  And that's why I go on.  That's why I get the counseling and meds that I need.  It would all be so much easier to give up, but that's not what you and I do.  We've been through so much together.  I only wish I didn't have to go through this pain without you.  Nothing in my life could have ever prepared me for a grief and loss like this. 

I know that you are happy, healthy, and beautiful wherever you are right now.  And that you are excited for me to join you there.  I look forward to that more than I can say mom.  I would give anything for one more conversation with you, one more hug, one more time of hearing your real voice tell me that you love me and haven't left me, even though I can't see you.

I'll write again soon mama.  I'm going to try to get outside today and go for a walk.  I'll be looking for you.  You told me once "Any time you see something beautiful, I am there.."

Love and Tears,
Me