Waiting for Sunrise

Dear Mamacita,

It's been a long time since I've written.  So much has happened I'm not sure where to begin.  We can start with the Monster Max update.  Right at Christmas time he decided to be Spiderman at daycare and jumped off the couch.  Shari said he cried but within an acceptable amount of time he wanted to play again.  He could turn his arm and move his wrist, there wasn't any swelling or bruising.  He never complained about it unless he tripped and fell and broke his fall with his hands.  Well a week later when he fell again he didn't want to play anymore and just wanted to cuddle.  We decided to take him in to the doctor.  I figured it was just sprained and that he kept aggravating it each time he fell.  Well mom, turns out he actually broke his distal radius.  Yeah, I know, I get mom of the year award there for waiting to take him in for so long!  *sigh*  Anyways, we ended up at Gillette's Children's hospital orthopaedic unit for a full arm cast.  Once we told him it was his "armor" he was super excited about it!  He got to pick out the color too!  A nice "construction worker orange"!  Everyone signed it and we even got to keep it after they cut it off.

He also has been super stubborn with the whole potty training thing, as you can imagine!  We were trying to force the issue, and he just wasn't buying, so we decided to just go back to diapers for a few weeks and try again later.  Then, on his terms of course, he decided he could tell Daddy when he needed to go potty!  He's been doing great!  I'd say he's about 85% potty trained now!  He's also sleeping in a big boy twin size bed now.  Time really does go by quickly.

Your sweet Sam Sam is doing ok.  He's been struggling in some ways.  I've seen more sadness in him lately.  He's been more clingy and more prone to tears and tantrums recently.  I know he's missing you lots mom.  School social situations are becoming more difficult for him.  Please be with him and help him in any little ways you can.  He's at an age where he's becoming more aware that he's not exactly like everyone else.  And other kids are starting to notice too.  He's so sensitive and emotional, that many social situations are very difficult for him.  My heart breaks for him so often, and yet I couldn't be more proud of him than I am right now.  He is the most courageous little boy I have ever known.  Everyday of his life is a challenge and demands all of his coping skills and emotional reserve.  He faces each day with more positivity than I have.  Tomorrow Sam and I are staying home because he has an orthotics appointment to get fitted for a "toe-off AFO".  We are hoping that it will help him run and train his feet to position correctly.  He's a little sad and apprehensive about it, but I think it's all going to be ok.  It was difficult for us to come to the decision to go ahead with the orthotics because I didn't want him to feel more different from his peers than he already does, but maybe it won't be a big deal at all.  I'm trying to think of it as just a tool to help him in the long term.  I know you would want us to do whatever we can for him now so that he has a better future.  It's hard being a mommy.  There are so many things to think about and worry about.

I can hear you saying "Now what about you, Sweetie?  How are you doing with everything?"  Ok I guess.  Well, the truth is if you were here, I'd just want to lay my head down on your lap and cry.  Sometimes feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.  You're the one I need to talk with and work it all out with.  I can't believe it's been more than 9 months since I've talked to you in this life.  That doesn't seem possible.  I'm scared mom.  What if I forget something about you that I don't want to forget?  Time has taken the cutting edge off the pain.  I don't struggle with the chest pain and feeling like I can't breathe all day long anymore.  There are days when I'll be getting ready for bed and realize that my chest hasn't hurt all day long.  I'm not sure how to feel about that.  I know I couldn't go on forever at that painful level of grieving, but in some ways it feels wrong to be moving past some of the awfulness.  Sometimes I still wonder if other people can see my broken heart as I walk down the hall, or if my smiling face can fool them into believing what I know I need to portray.  I want to be happy, but I don't want to forget how or why the last year and a half of my life has changed me forever. 

I've been able to talk about happy memories or say what I think you would have said or done in funny situations now.  That doesn't hurt like it used to.  There are still days when your absence seems unbearable and that the hole in my life seems completely, hopelessly unfixable.  I long to hear your laugh again, to hear your happy voice when you answer my phone call, to get a love text message from you, to feel your soft hands on my face when you would greet me after a long absence.  What if I forget mom?  What if all the little stuff goes away?  What does that say of me?  What does that mean about our relationship?  I still haven't had any "real" dreams of you.  I want so badly to have a dream where you're actually talking to me, giving me some kind of message that you're ok, or that I'm going to be ok, or some kind of acknowledgement that you see me, and you know how bad I'm missing you and needing you.  When will you come see me mom?  I look out my window at your tree and long for spring to come.  I need to see the season of winter change into spring.  Maybe my season of grief will change as well.  Maybe the seed of hope that God has planted in my heart will begin to blossom with the spring leaves. 

On the morning that you died at 3:35 a.m. I remember thinking "I just need the sun to come up" over and over in my head.  I needed to see that God would keep his promise and make the sun rise and chase away the darkness.  That's where I'm at right now in my grief journey.  It's been so dark for so long, I need the sun to rise in my life again.  I know it's getting closer to sunrise.  I'll just keep breathing, just keep waiting, and just keep trusting that God will get me through this too.

I love you mamacita, your absence is obvious every moment of my life. 

Love,
Me