Dear Mamacita,
I know it's been a long time since I've written to you. So much has happened. Where to even begin? Guess I can start on my birthday. When we were cleaning the basement a few weeks ago I found several cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college, to cheer me up and encourage me. I put them in my planner and didn't look at them until my birthday. Dave took Sam to school and Max to daycare that morning, and I was alone in the house for a little while. I read them and the storm of sadness began, tears, anger that you aren't here for my 35th birthday, the physical ache in my chest of missing you, and the longing to be with you were just overwhelming. So I let the storm rage for a while and felt a little better when it had passed. Dave and I drove down to Stillwater for the day. We walked around and shopped a little and had lunch together. Came home to a nice quiet house and enjoyed the stillness and peace. I didn't want to have my birthday mom. Not without you here. You knew how much my birthday always meant to me, that it was my favorite "holiday". You knew why it was important to me. It just didn't feel right without you here...I also don't want to get older without you here.
You were such a huge part of my life, so integrated into the daily fabric, that to have you ripped out of my life is painful beyond belief. There are a thousand times a day I need to talk to you. I still can't bear to delete your contact info from my phone. Your name and number are still programmed into our house phones too, and I can't bring myself to delete it. I know it's just another way I'm not letting go of you. I just can't yet. I know that's ok for now. I know I have been holding onto everything I possibly can so that I don't lose you in every sense. I feel like I'm obsessive over the tiniest things about you. I buy clothes that remind me of you. I bought a shirt with butterflies on it because that's what you are to me now, and I bought a turquoise colored shirt with little birds on it, because I know it's one you would love. I've worn some of your clothes just to feel close to you. I wear your heart necklace everyday. When I think I can bear it, I will smell the bottle of your perfume that I kept. Maybe this isn't normal, maybe I'm holding on too tightly momma, but I can't seem to do otherwise.
A couple of good things have happened to my heart and mind in the last few weeks. One Sunday Dave and Sam were up at his Grandpa's cabin fixing deer stands so just Max and I went to church. I dropped him off at Sunday school and sat in church by myself. Pastor Chris' sermon was about her insistence that we pray. She said that usually her words are encouraging or inviting, but that day they were insistent. She gave some examples of prayer. She talked about how praying to God can be like having a conversation with Him, not just using the standard prayers. Then she prayed aloud for her mother who was having hip replacement surgery and her went went like this "God, thanks for mom...." That's all I really remember because those simple words melted some ice I had around my heart. I started to cry and I could finally feel my Jesus again. I have been praying and praying to feel Him and my mom's presence and finally sitting alone in church that day, surrounded by all His saints here and in Heaven, I felt the Holy Spirit melt some ice that was surrounding my broken heart. This was a huge break-through for my heart and spirit mom. I know that He never left me, it was just me that was having a hard time finding Him in all of this pain and trauma.
The other good thing that has happened, is I dreamed about you momma. This dream was unlike any others I have had. There was nothing negative or scary or sad. The dream was just your voice. It was pitch black in my head. There was no picture involved with this dream. It was just your voice coming out of the darkness. You were calling my name like you were just trying to get my attention. You said "Erika, Erika! It's all ok! I love you! I love you! I'm here!" That's all I remember mom. This was such a special dream to me. I've been over it again and again trying to figure out if it was real or if it was just a dream. I want to believe it was real, that you were really visiting me in my dreams, a place where my mind and heart would be totally open to receiving such a message. In the end, I've figured out it really doesn't matter if it was real because it was exactly what I needed.
One other good thing that has happened is that we bought and planted a beautiful pink spirus crab apple tree in your honor. It's at least 9 feet tall already and the thing I love about it is that it always blooms the most beautiful pink flowers over Mother's Day in the spring. Dayton wouldn't let us have the closure of putting a headstone on your grave to give you the respect you deserve, so this is the memorial we have to you. All winter long I can look out my livingroom window and see it there. I feel your spirit when I see it and it will represent Hope to me momma. Hope that spring will come, the ice and snow will melt outside as well as around my heart. Hope that the tree will bloom into something beautiful, and love and peace will bloom in my heart again. I bought a stone to put at the base that says "The greatest love is shared between a mother and daughter".
The thing that bothered me most about you not having a headstone until next year is the thought of you lying cold and alone there all winter, anonymous. No visitors during the winter, nothing to mark your place, nothing to say to the world "Here lies a wonderful woman who was loved beyond measure". You deserve to have your name there. Dayton chose to hurt me by not putting a headstone there. I need to have closure on the funeral process. He knew without a doubt how badly it would hurt me not to have it there, and yet he wouldn't allow us to pay for it, he wouldn't allow us to put a single headstone there, and he offered no explanations as to why. As always "he has a plan" that no one else is privy to. He told Nate, the funeral director that it was "just too soon" mom. That made me want to scream! He is moving on with his life. He's not sitting at home drowning in sorrow and can't function. Lies. I know if you are aware of what's playing out here on Earth you are appalled at what he's doing.
So to take back some of the power that Dayton took away, I sent out an email to all of my friends and relatives asking around for someone who does woodworking that would be willing/able to make a cross for us to put at your grave site. My friends Monica and Brian immediately said they could make it happen. We are going to make a name plate for it and write your name and a message for you on it. I am going to place it there and once your headstone is in place I will move the cross to your tree in our yard. I couldn't believe all the responses I got to the email I sent mom! Their love and kindness humbled me and made me feel so loved and that people really cared about the pain I am going through, and want to help. One of the blessings in this journey has been seeing the amazing love and kindness that people are capable of.
One final note before I sign off mom.. I have been seeing a fantastic grief counselor. Her name is Sally and she has 3 golden retrievers that wander around her office and look for love and petting from anyone that's willing. She's helping me sort stuff out. She has made me understand that grief, trauma, and ptsd are different things and have to be dealt with separately. This all makes lots of sense to me, and I'm so happy to have found her. I know this is what you would want for me mom. I'm trying to take care of myself.
I love you and miss you more than I can say. You are so loved.
Love and Hugs,
Erika
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Missing You Today
Dear Mamacita,
I want to blog tonight, but the words won't come. Maybe I'm too tired. It's been a very emotional day. I think I'm just gonna chill and go to bed early tonight momma. I love you so much. I'm missing you so very bad tonight. My heart is full of love and loneliness. I love my family so much, but I'm so lonely for you mamacita. I needed to hear your voice today and feel you close to me and I can't. I did read some old birthday cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college.. The things you said in them are as relevant today as they were back in 1997. I'll share them with you later. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow night. I'll blog sometime tomorrow and let you know everything that's on my heart mama. It's just too achy in my chest right now. I think I need some process time. Will you visit me and Sam Sam in our dreams tonight? Oh, and tomorrow I will also tell you about church on Sunday. Something great is happening....
Night Mamacita,
Me
I want to blog tonight, but the words won't come. Maybe I'm too tired. It's been a very emotional day. I think I'm just gonna chill and go to bed early tonight momma. I love you so much. I'm missing you so very bad tonight. My heart is full of love and loneliness. I love my family so much, but I'm so lonely for you mamacita. I needed to hear your voice today and feel you close to me and I can't. I did read some old birthday cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college.. The things you said in them are as relevant today as they were back in 1997. I'll share them with you later. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow night. I'll blog sometime tomorrow and let you know everything that's on my heart mama. It's just too achy in my chest right now. I think I need some process time. Will you visit me and Sam Sam in our dreams tonight? Oh, and tomorrow I will also tell you about church on Sunday. Something great is happening....
Night Mamacita,
Me
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hunting, Quilts and Trees
Dear Mamacita,
It's 5:40 a.m. and Dave and Sam just left to go up to Dave's grandpa's cabin to work on hunting stands with Loren, Cameron, his cousinTodd and his son A.J. and a few other guys. Sam was so excited! He woke up at 4:00 and started watching the clock. He came upstairs at exactly 5:00. We were going to let him sleep till about 5:20 and when he came upstairs I asked him why he was already up and he said "well dad said we had to get up at 5:00!" I made some fresh blueberry muffins and fresh coffee for Dave and a thermos of milk for Sam. We made sandwiches last night and packed some snacks, so they grabbed everything and I sent them on their way. I'm looking forward to taking Max to church and then Target and coming home and having a quiet day and doing laundry and getting ready for the week.
Yesterday Dave's mom and I made the pattern and stencils to cut out the pieces of material from your clothes to make a quilt made from of all my favorite pieces of clothes that were yours. It felt good to get started on your quilt. This is going to be a quilt that gets used everyday and can be washed and loved. I'm going to love it so much mom. It will definitely feel so good to me to be able to snuggle with pieces of clothing that you wore and lived in. It was difficult to handle your clothes yesterday, it makes me miss you so much. My heart aches with the need to see you in these clothes again. Yesterday I had the intense desire to go to Caribou with you and just have some alone time with you. I wanted a two hour coffee chat with you. I long to hear your laugh and the gentle banter that flows so naturally between us. I just want to feel that love, that bond, that easiness of conversation, where we could say nothing or talk forever..
On Wednesday I saw a grief counselor for the first time. Her name is Sally, and she was fantastic! She had so many insights into what I'm going through. She validated everything I was feeling and was an amazing listener. She also has two beautiful golden retrievers that wander around her office and come over for some loves and pets while we talk. I loved that. I'm going to see her once a week until further notice. I printed off all of my blog entries for her to read. I thought they'd give her a good idea of how I've been doing since August. I will keep you posed on how that's going. I'm trying to take care of myself mom. I know you only wanted the best for me, and that you want me to be ok, and to be happy. I'm not there yet, but maybe someday. I want to find you mom. I want to feel you next to me and know without a doubt that you are there. I need a sign. Can you send me something to let me know it's you?
I've been sharing these letters with people I care about mom, so that they know how I am doing. I feel like I need to express to them that I will eventually be ok. Some people have expressed their real concern for my health and safety. I want to say without a doubt that I would never ever, ever hurt myself. That would be dishonoring your love for me, and sentencing my loved ones that are still here to an unbelievable pain for a long, long time. I wouldn't do that. I fully intend to see my children grow up and have babies of their own. I will spoil my grandchildren just like you spoiled yours. :) I hope that they will call me Nana too one day. It would be such an honor. Maybe one of my boys will have a little girl someday for me to love and have that mother/daughter relationship with. I crave that so bad. I think about adopting a little girl so much. I know it's because of the relationship I'm missing in my life, so it's not the right time to do anything like that, but I think of it often. In the meantime, I've got my beautiful nieces Lindsey and Kylie that I can pour my mommy love into for now. I'd also like to tell all my loved ones who read this blog, how much I love them and couldn't walk this journey without them. I feel so loved and so supported. And I know that some of my closest family members (who are also friends) are hurting badly right now. I will do everything I can to be there for them in the ways that they have been there for me. It's all the little things that make a difference. For me it's just people acknowledging the pain and difficult road I'm on.
Dayton isn't going to let us get your headstone, mamacita. He won't tell us exactly why, we have a few guesses as to what his reasons are, but either way, they are selfish. I feel that it's so disrespectful to you to not have a headstone there after 5 months, and now it won't be there over the winter. I know you're not physically there, but I need everyone who passes by there to know who's buried there and to know that you were not insignificant, that you were loved beyond measure, and to see your name there. It was killing me to think of your body being there over the long, cold, dark winter with no name, no visitors of anything. The worst part is going to be Christmas. Knowing that your body is there, instead of here with us. I know I need to change my perspective and realize that you get to celebrate Christmas with Jesus, Himself this year, and I'm sure there's nothing better than that. However, it's going to be a difficult season for all of us back here. Dayton has taken the right to see your name there, to show you the respect that you deserve, away from me, so to take back some of my power, Dave and I have decided to plant a pink spirus crabapple tree in the back yard. I wanted to do it this weekend, but the place we're going to get it from won't have any instock for a week or so. I saved all the money I got in memorial gifts after your death, and put the money in an envelope for this very reason. I researched a lot of trees and found the perfect one. This tree doesn't drop its fruit and always is blooming over Mother's Day. It's truly beautiful. It will be my place to go be with you. And everytime I see it this winter it will bring me hope for the spring when it will bloom and we will finally have your headstone in place.
Well momma, I got a long time alone this morning to write to you and talk to you, and Monster Max is waking up, so I gotta go. I will talk to you soon, until then know that you are in my heart and thoughts always..
Love and Beautiful Trees,
Erika
It's 5:40 a.m. and Dave and Sam just left to go up to Dave's grandpa's cabin to work on hunting stands with Loren, Cameron, his cousinTodd and his son A.J. and a few other guys. Sam was so excited! He woke up at 4:00 and started watching the clock. He came upstairs at exactly 5:00. We were going to let him sleep till about 5:20 and when he came upstairs I asked him why he was already up and he said "well dad said we had to get up at 5:00!" I made some fresh blueberry muffins and fresh coffee for Dave and a thermos of milk for Sam. We made sandwiches last night and packed some snacks, so they grabbed everything and I sent them on their way. I'm looking forward to taking Max to church and then Target and coming home and having a quiet day and doing laundry and getting ready for the week.
Yesterday Dave's mom and I made the pattern and stencils to cut out the pieces of material from your clothes to make a quilt made from of all my favorite pieces of clothes that were yours. It felt good to get started on your quilt. This is going to be a quilt that gets used everyday and can be washed and loved. I'm going to love it so much mom. It will definitely feel so good to me to be able to snuggle with pieces of clothing that you wore and lived in. It was difficult to handle your clothes yesterday, it makes me miss you so much. My heart aches with the need to see you in these clothes again. Yesterday I had the intense desire to go to Caribou with you and just have some alone time with you. I wanted a two hour coffee chat with you. I long to hear your laugh and the gentle banter that flows so naturally between us. I just want to feel that love, that bond, that easiness of conversation, where we could say nothing or talk forever..
On Wednesday I saw a grief counselor for the first time. Her name is Sally, and she was fantastic! She had so many insights into what I'm going through. She validated everything I was feeling and was an amazing listener. She also has two beautiful golden retrievers that wander around her office and come over for some loves and pets while we talk. I loved that. I'm going to see her once a week until further notice. I printed off all of my blog entries for her to read. I thought they'd give her a good idea of how I've been doing since August. I will keep you posed on how that's going. I'm trying to take care of myself mom. I know you only wanted the best for me, and that you want me to be ok, and to be happy. I'm not there yet, but maybe someday. I want to find you mom. I want to feel you next to me and know without a doubt that you are there. I need a sign. Can you send me something to let me know it's you?
I've been sharing these letters with people I care about mom, so that they know how I am doing. I feel like I need to express to them that I will eventually be ok. Some people have expressed their real concern for my health and safety. I want to say without a doubt that I would never ever, ever hurt myself. That would be dishonoring your love for me, and sentencing my loved ones that are still here to an unbelievable pain for a long, long time. I wouldn't do that. I fully intend to see my children grow up and have babies of their own. I will spoil my grandchildren just like you spoiled yours. :) I hope that they will call me Nana too one day. It would be such an honor. Maybe one of my boys will have a little girl someday for me to love and have that mother/daughter relationship with. I crave that so bad. I think about adopting a little girl so much. I know it's because of the relationship I'm missing in my life, so it's not the right time to do anything like that, but I think of it often. In the meantime, I've got my beautiful nieces Lindsey and Kylie that I can pour my mommy love into for now. I'd also like to tell all my loved ones who read this blog, how much I love them and couldn't walk this journey without them. I feel so loved and so supported. And I know that some of my closest family members (who are also friends) are hurting badly right now. I will do everything I can to be there for them in the ways that they have been there for me. It's all the little things that make a difference. For me it's just people acknowledging the pain and difficult road I'm on.
Dayton isn't going to let us get your headstone, mamacita. He won't tell us exactly why, we have a few guesses as to what his reasons are, but either way, they are selfish. I feel that it's so disrespectful to you to not have a headstone there after 5 months, and now it won't be there over the winter. I know you're not physically there, but I need everyone who passes by there to know who's buried there and to know that you were not insignificant, that you were loved beyond measure, and to see your name there. It was killing me to think of your body being there over the long, cold, dark winter with no name, no visitors of anything. The worst part is going to be Christmas. Knowing that your body is there, instead of here with us. I know I need to change my perspective and realize that you get to celebrate Christmas with Jesus, Himself this year, and I'm sure there's nothing better than that. However, it's going to be a difficult season for all of us back here. Dayton has taken the right to see your name there, to show you the respect that you deserve, away from me, so to take back some of my power, Dave and I have decided to plant a pink spirus crabapple tree in the back yard. I wanted to do it this weekend, but the place we're going to get it from won't have any instock for a week or so. I saved all the money I got in memorial gifts after your death, and put the money in an envelope for this very reason. I researched a lot of trees and found the perfect one. This tree doesn't drop its fruit and always is blooming over Mother's Day. It's truly beautiful. It will be my place to go be with you. And everytime I see it this winter it will bring me hope for the spring when it will bloom and we will finally have your headstone in place.
Well momma, I got a long time alone this morning to write to you and talk to you, and Monster Max is waking up, so I gotta go. I will talk to you soon, until then know that you are in my heart and thoughts always..
Love and Beautiful Trees,
Erika
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