Dear Mamacita,
I've thought of you a trillion times since I last wrote. As usual, I don't know where to begin.. I hope you liked the 4th of July flowers I brought to you when I last visited your gravesite. It was good to be physically close to you again.
This has been a very hard week for me. It feels like my anxiety is amping up and the depression is worse. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears so often. I feel like I had made so much progress in dealing with/overcoming my anxiety, and now I'm on a downward slide again. I have been over-reacting to Maxwell's demeanor, worried that he could be sick again. I've been checking his temp and throat multiple times a day. I feel that the anxiety would be easier to manage if there weren't such strong physical manifestations of it. The chest tightness, the irregular heartbeat, racing heart, shortness of breath, etc. It's scary and extremely uncomfortable. There are new factors in play that are adding to my anxiety. I'm scared for my uncle, who is going down the dreaded cancer road, just like you and Kay. I know his story isn't yours, that his situation isn't yours, and his battle doesn't have to end like yours. My other uncle is battling a degenerative and painful disease, and still another uncle has got something else going on. I just hate that more of our family has to go through this. I feel like we have been asked to endure so much! Also my dad hasn't been doing well. I feel so sad for him that he has had to go through so much pain for a year and a half and there's no end in sight.
The other thing that has added to my anxiety is this morning I am headed up to Hinckley, to your house to go through bins of stuff that Dayton has gathered that he thinks I may want. I have a lot of fear for today. I know I need to turn it over to God and let Him take care of things. I guess it all comes down to I'm scared Dayton will say no to something I want to have of yours. There are a few things I have asked for in the past that he hasn't let me have, even though they were yours before you started dating him. I know all of these things are just "things" but they are a part of you and a part of my history. Things such as your Betty Crocker cookbook from the '50's and the huge pressure cooker that used to belong to Grandma. Some of my favorite memories are of you and Grandma canning jelly, tomatoes, etc. in the kitchen and then listening to the Ball jars pop all evening as they sealed. Another thing, I know you want Adam to have the grandfather clock someday. It was kind of a joke, because that clock is *so* not him, but he begrudgingly, and jokingly moved it so many times for you, that you said someday after you were gone that he should have it. There are just some things from my childhood that remind me where I came from that I really need to have. There are also some kitchen things you've had forever that I'd really like to have.
Please be with me today Mom. Let me feel your comforting presence as I go through things that were yours and ours. I pray that God will open Dayton's heart to why I want the things I do, and that he'll let them go gracefully. I also pray that if he does say no, I will have the grace to accept it and realize that God has other plans in the works.
It's summertime, so I have been feeling lonely. Cut off from my friends and adult support system due to the business of all of our kids' summertime activities, and the trainings I have to attend. My heart aches knowing that I won't hear your voice or feel your touch for such a long, long time. I do believe that someday we will be reunited in a place where there is no sadness, tears, pain, or suffering. Until then I have to raise two beautiful boys and enjoy all of their precious growing up moments. Sam and Max still talk about you and remember stories about you. Especially Sam Sam. He still aches for you, and misses the conversations the two of you would have. I burn to pick up my phone and call you or text you some random thought or just an "I love you".
I am so lucky to have had you as my mom. You have taught me what it really means to love someone unconditionally and completely. Every day I try to honor you by being the mom you knew I can be. And when I'm super frustrated with the kids I remember your gentle ways with them and how they would respond so well to you and your demeanor. I remember the things you taught me when they were babies. I remember your love and belief in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. I miss you so very much Momma. There isn't much I wouldn't give to spend a hour on the deck with you drinking morning coffee or wine during "happy hour", just chatting. I ask you again, please come visit me in my dreams. I need to hear your voice and feel your closeness.
All my love,
Erika
p.s. To all of my friends who read this: Please remember to not leave things unsaid to people you love, take every opportunity to hug, kiss, smile, cuddle, chat, and love those who matter most to you. Oh, and take more pictures!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Adrift
Dear Mamacita,
I need you so much right now. I need to hear your voice and to tell you all my troubles. Things really aren't going well at all right now. I feel so alone and sad. I miss having a deep connection with someone. How could God take you from me? I feel lost. I feel scared. I don't really know which direction to turn or how to make things better. If I could only talk to you I know you'd have the right words, or at least let me feel your love down deep in my heart. I'm hurting so badly right now I don't know if I can stand it. I thought things were getting better, but they really aren't. There are times that I just want to lay down next to your grave site and cry till I can't cry anymore. I want to feel your physical presence. I need to be close to you. Right now I'm just full of fear and worry and playing out worst case scenarios in my head that I shouldn't be. I think my greatest fear is that God will take anything good in my life. If He could take you, He could also take Dave, Sam, and my sweet little Monster Max. Without your love and guidance to anchor me in this world, I feel like a ship that's dead in the water during a hurricane. I don't know how to stop the things that are happening, or to make them better. Mom, please... I need some kind of message or sign from you. Please help me. I know I must seem desperate to you, and maybe I really am. It's just that sometimes this world is a very scary place.
All my love, hugs and kisses,
Erika
I need you so much right now. I need to hear your voice and to tell you all my troubles. Things really aren't going well at all right now. I feel so alone and sad. I miss having a deep connection with someone. How could God take you from me? I feel lost. I feel scared. I don't really know which direction to turn or how to make things better. If I could only talk to you I know you'd have the right words, or at least let me feel your love down deep in my heart. I'm hurting so badly right now I don't know if I can stand it. I thought things were getting better, but they really aren't. There are times that I just want to lay down next to your grave site and cry till I can't cry anymore. I want to feel your physical presence. I need to be close to you. Right now I'm just full of fear and worry and playing out worst case scenarios in my head that I shouldn't be. I think my greatest fear is that God will take anything good in my life. If He could take you, He could also take Dave, Sam, and my sweet little Monster Max. Without your love and guidance to anchor me in this world, I feel like a ship that's dead in the water during a hurricane. I don't know how to stop the things that are happening, or to make them better. Mom, please... I need some kind of message or sign from you. Please help me. I know I must seem desperate to you, and maybe I really am. It's just that sometimes this world is a very scary place.
All my love, hugs and kisses,
Erika
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Dear Mamacita,
I'm failing. At everything I'm doing in life. Sam thinks all I ever do is yell at him. I don't feel like I'm a good enough teacher. I'm stressed out, my anxiety level isn't ok, my depression level isn't ok. I need you here to fix things. I'm not doing a good enough job on my own. Everything is so difficult. There doesn't seem to be any peace anywhere. How do I make things ok again, Mom? Where do I even start?
I'm failing. At everything I'm doing in life. Sam thinks all I ever do is yell at him. I don't feel like I'm a good enough teacher. I'm stressed out, my anxiety level isn't ok, my depression level isn't ok. I need you here to fix things. I'm not doing a good enough job on my own. Everything is so difficult. There doesn't seem to be any peace anywhere. How do I make things ok again, Mom? Where do I even start?
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tangled Up
Dear Mamacita,
As usual, I don't know where to begin. I feel so tangled up inside. I miss you so much. It was exactly a year and a half ago today that the chains and bonds of your sick body were released, and you got to go to your Heavenly home. It was exactly a year and half ago today that I lost my beautiful mom, my best girlfriend, my kids' Nana, my confidant, the one person who would always love me unconditionally. One of my friends was correct when she said that when you died, I lost my identity, my place and grounding in this world. One of my biggest desires right now is to drive up to Duluth by myself, and sit on the rocks, all bundled up, leave my phone and laptop in the car, and just sit there until I figure out who I am again.
I am struggling Momma. My anxiety isn't under control. I'm doing the hard work of figuring out exactly where it's coming from and what's causing it, but it still hurts (both emotionally and physically) and still frightens me. I can hear you whispering to my heart mom. I know you'd say "Talk to me, Sweetheart." Well, I know it all goes back to trusting God again, and how, if I'm totally honest, somewhere in my heart of hearts, I know I don't. When you were sick I faithfully prayed for your healing. I prayed that God's plan would play out in our lives. I was told "No." by God, and our lives didn't play out the way I wanted them to. Then on the one year anniversary of your death, Dave's dad died. All the way to the hospital I prayed harder than I ever had in my whole life. I said every prayer I know and recited "Hail Mary" over and over again, but it was already too late. Again, I had been firmly told "No." by my Father. I guess I have a fear of praying for anything important anymore. I'm not sure I can take being told "No." again.
I know that I can't see God's plan for my life and why he allowed these things to happen to me. I also know that as a parent, I don't like telling my children no, but I do it for a reason, to teach them something, or protect them, or for some other reason that they can't understand. I don't say no to punish them, even if they see it that way. I know that that's probably what's going on between me and God.
Right before my birthday this year I was overcome by the guilt of wondering if I had prayed harder, or been more faithful, or read the Bible more, or went to church more to pray, if that would have changed God's plan for you. A very good friend of mine told me that praying isn't a competitive sport and that God sees our hearts and knows what's there. I told this friend of mine that I hated my birthday now. You and I are so tied together on this day, and I missed you so badly before that day. My friend told me that to hate my birthday would be a dishonor to you, because you would say this day was one of the best days of your life. I remember you telling me over the years that I was the light of your life, and on the last birthday card you gave me, you told me again how much you wanted me from the first moment you knew I was coming. Those words really comforted me that day. I grieved the loss of not having my mom here on this earth on my birthday, a few days before my birthday. Then the actual day was actually very good. I got a mani and pedi from our favorite "Sexy Ladies" and then an hour long massage. It felt good to take care of me. I know I need to do more of that.
I need to find quiet in my life. The class I have this year is extremely challenging, and I'm really stressed about them. I seem to always have a headache. Sam is doing well in school, but still struggles socially and at home. Max had some mysterious fevers this past summer, which I think re-triggered some of my PTSD over what happened to you. I couldn't fix you, I prayed as hard as I could but you still died. I couldn't control the outcome of what happened to you, I couldn't control what happened to Dave's dad, and I couldn't fix my little boy, whose fever was topping 105 degrees for 10 days. I feel like there isn't much I can control in my life. I feel uncomfortable and sick or hurting all the time. I'm going through a medication change and maybe I'll start seeing the benefits of that in a week or three, but until then it's really hard. Nothing feels "right" or normal. I even had an anxiety attack at school and had to go ride it out in the nurse's office until the meds kicked in. I know I'm trying to control things that aren't in my control, or even my right to control, but I don't know how to let go of it.
In some ways, I know I'm getting better. I went to a wedding last weekend (and btw, the bride looking amazingly stunning!) and I was able to tell funny and favorite stories about you without feeling the crushing pain of loss. I was actually able to laugh when I told the stories and it didn't hurt afterwards.
I need to find my way out of this labyrinth of fear, anxiety, pain and grief. It's all tangled together and difficult to sort out which is which, since they are connected. Please mom, pray or speak to Jesus for me and ask Him to help me through this. I need you, and I know I need Him. I wish I could meet you in my dreams, mom. Somewhere in the clouds, and just have a chat. I need one of our talks so badly. The hole in my life and heart your death brought seems unfixable. I need you Mamacita. Please let me feel your presence close to me. I need a sign that you're still around me, seeing the things that are happening in our lives.
All My Love,
Lucita
As usual, I don't know where to begin. I feel so tangled up inside. I miss you so much. It was exactly a year and a half ago today that the chains and bonds of your sick body were released, and you got to go to your Heavenly home. It was exactly a year and half ago today that I lost my beautiful mom, my best girlfriend, my kids' Nana, my confidant, the one person who would always love me unconditionally. One of my friends was correct when she said that when you died, I lost my identity, my place and grounding in this world. One of my biggest desires right now is to drive up to Duluth by myself, and sit on the rocks, all bundled up, leave my phone and laptop in the car, and just sit there until I figure out who I am again.
I am struggling Momma. My anxiety isn't under control. I'm doing the hard work of figuring out exactly where it's coming from and what's causing it, but it still hurts (both emotionally and physically) and still frightens me. I can hear you whispering to my heart mom. I know you'd say "Talk to me, Sweetheart." Well, I know it all goes back to trusting God again, and how, if I'm totally honest, somewhere in my heart of hearts, I know I don't. When you were sick I faithfully prayed for your healing. I prayed that God's plan would play out in our lives. I was told "No." by God, and our lives didn't play out the way I wanted them to. Then on the one year anniversary of your death, Dave's dad died. All the way to the hospital I prayed harder than I ever had in my whole life. I said every prayer I know and recited "Hail Mary" over and over again, but it was already too late. Again, I had been firmly told "No." by my Father. I guess I have a fear of praying for anything important anymore. I'm not sure I can take being told "No." again.
I know that I can't see God's plan for my life and why he allowed these things to happen to me. I also know that as a parent, I don't like telling my children no, but I do it for a reason, to teach them something, or protect them, or for some other reason that they can't understand. I don't say no to punish them, even if they see it that way. I know that that's probably what's going on between me and God.
Right before my birthday this year I was overcome by the guilt of wondering if I had prayed harder, or been more faithful, or read the Bible more, or went to church more to pray, if that would have changed God's plan for you. A very good friend of mine told me that praying isn't a competitive sport and that God sees our hearts and knows what's there. I told this friend of mine that I hated my birthday now. You and I are so tied together on this day, and I missed you so badly before that day. My friend told me that to hate my birthday would be a dishonor to you, because you would say this day was one of the best days of your life. I remember you telling me over the years that I was the light of your life, and on the last birthday card you gave me, you told me again how much you wanted me from the first moment you knew I was coming. Those words really comforted me that day. I grieved the loss of not having my mom here on this earth on my birthday, a few days before my birthday. Then the actual day was actually very good. I got a mani and pedi from our favorite "Sexy Ladies" and then an hour long massage. It felt good to take care of me. I know I need to do more of that.
I need to find quiet in my life. The class I have this year is extremely challenging, and I'm really stressed about them. I seem to always have a headache. Sam is doing well in school, but still struggles socially and at home. Max had some mysterious fevers this past summer, which I think re-triggered some of my PTSD over what happened to you. I couldn't fix you, I prayed as hard as I could but you still died. I couldn't control the outcome of what happened to you, I couldn't control what happened to Dave's dad, and I couldn't fix my little boy, whose fever was topping 105 degrees for 10 days. I feel like there isn't much I can control in my life. I feel uncomfortable and sick or hurting all the time. I'm going through a medication change and maybe I'll start seeing the benefits of that in a week or three, but until then it's really hard. Nothing feels "right" or normal. I even had an anxiety attack at school and had to go ride it out in the nurse's office until the meds kicked in. I know I'm trying to control things that aren't in my control, or even my right to control, but I don't know how to let go of it.
In some ways, I know I'm getting better. I went to a wedding last weekend (and btw, the bride looking amazingly stunning!) and I was able to tell funny and favorite stories about you without feeling the crushing pain of loss. I was actually able to laugh when I told the stories and it didn't hurt afterwards.
I need to find my way out of this labyrinth of fear, anxiety, pain and grief. It's all tangled together and difficult to sort out which is which, since they are connected. Please mom, pray or speak to Jesus for me and ask Him to help me through this. I need you, and I know I need Him. I wish I could meet you in my dreams, mom. Somewhere in the clouds, and just have a chat. I need one of our talks so badly. The hole in my life and heart your death brought seems unfixable. I need you Mamacita. Please let me feel your presence close to me. I need a sign that you're still around me, seeing the things that are happening in our lives.
All My Love,
Lucita
Friday, August 26, 2011
Dreams and Love
Dear Mamacita,
It's been months, since your birthday actually since I've written. I'm not even going to try to go back and catch you up on all the stuff that has happened since then. I just want to write to you about now.
We are leaving Wisconsin Dells today. Our week long vacation here has ended. It's been a mixed bag. Some high points, and of course many difficult points. We are all about to go through another life transition as we go back to school and work on Monday. Please be near us in the coming days and weeks.
It's been 16 months now since you've gone.. In some ways it's easier, the pain isn't as intense and all consuming as it was at first, but in some ways it's harder. When I think about all the conversations we haven't had over the last 16 months, of all the things I haven't been able to call you up and tell you, it just seems horrible, lonely, and impossible. We've gone through so much in the last four months. I miss you so much Mom. I feel so lonely at times. Dave is hurting so much and dealing with the loss of his dad, so we're just trying to keep things together.
I had another dream about you. Actually I've had two since I last wrote. In the first one, I saw you calling me on your cell phone, and we had a bad connection but I could see and hear you saying loudly into the phone "Erika, Erika, I love you.. I love you". I got the message Mom. Then a few nights ago I dreamt that I was in the hospital visiting you again. I saw you in the hospital bed, you had all your hair and looked like your old self, not the one ravaged by chemo and cancer. You held out your arms to me, and I hugged you and we held onto each other until I woke up. We didn't talk, we didn't need to. You knew what I needed.. just to feel your arms around me again and soak in your love. God, I miss those hugs mom.
Max is 4 now. I can tell he's at a new emotional intelligence level, because he's been asking new questions about you, and asking for you. He's been saying things like "Where's my Nana?" "It's been sooo long, mama, since I got a snuggle from Nana!" He's also been dreaming about you. I know because sometimes when I get him up in the morning, he starts talking about you right away, asking for you, asking questions, etc. And one night when it was just Max and I at home, he was sitting at the table finishing his dinner while I loaded the dishwasher, and out of nowhere he says "My Nana loves me!" It took my breath away, and I knew in my heart you were near and had whispered that in his ear. I got the message mom. I've also realized that the messages and love you send my kids in their dreams and even while they are awake are messages to me as well. I'm not as easily accessible so you go through the boys, who are. It's taking me a while, momma, but I'm learning...
I love you so very much mom. Every day I wish you were still here. I miss having your constant love and support and strength. A very good friend reminded me when I was having a very sad moment, that everything I need from you, you gave me before you left. I play those words over and over in my mind. You were the strongest woman I have ever known, and you used to tell me how strong you thought I was. I never really believed it. I'm not sure I do now, but I'm trying to have faith and remember that I am your daughter, and I learned love, strength, and persistence from you. I try to honor you mom with the way I go on everyday, when it would be easier not to. There are still times I want to give up and lock myself away and cry until all the pain goes away. But I will keep moving forward. It's what you would expect of me and want for me.
I love you and miss you more than ever Mamacita. I need to go to start packing. I will write again soon. Please come visit me either in my dreams or ur babies. BTW, Monster Max is still as sassy and naughty as ever! I'm sure you've seen, but he's still my cuddle muffin! :) And your Sam Sam loves and misses you so much too.
Love and Hugs,
Erika
It's been months, since your birthday actually since I've written. I'm not even going to try to go back and catch you up on all the stuff that has happened since then. I just want to write to you about now.
We are leaving Wisconsin Dells today. Our week long vacation here has ended. It's been a mixed bag. Some high points, and of course many difficult points. We are all about to go through another life transition as we go back to school and work on Monday. Please be near us in the coming days and weeks.
It's been 16 months now since you've gone.. In some ways it's easier, the pain isn't as intense and all consuming as it was at first, but in some ways it's harder. When I think about all the conversations we haven't had over the last 16 months, of all the things I haven't been able to call you up and tell you, it just seems horrible, lonely, and impossible. We've gone through so much in the last four months. I miss you so much Mom. I feel so lonely at times. Dave is hurting so much and dealing with the loss of his dad, so we're just trying to keep things together.
I had another dream about you. Actually I've had two since I last wrote. In the first one, I saw you calling me on your cell phone, and we had a bad connection but I could see and hear you saying loudly into the phone "Erika, Erika, I love you.. I love you". I got the message Mom. Then a few nights ago I dreamt that I was in the hospital visiting you again. I saw you in the hospital bed, you had all your hair and looked like your old self, not the one ravaged by chemo and cancer. You held out your arms to me, and I hugged you and we held onto each other until I woke up. We didn't talk, we didn't need to. You knew what I needed.. just to feel your arms around me again and soak in your love. God, I miss those hugs mom.
Max is 4 now. I can tell he's at a new emotional intelligence level, because he's been asking new questions about you, and asking for you. He's been saying things like "Where's my Nana?" "It's been sooo long, mama, since I got a snuggle from Nana!" He's also been dreaming about you. I know because sometimes when I get him up in the morning, he starts talking about you right away, asking for you, asking questions, etc. And one night when it was just Max and I at home, he was sitting at the table finishing his dinner while I loaded the dishwasher, and out of nowhere he says "My Nana loves me!" It took my breath away, and I knew in my heart you were near and had whispered that in his ear. I got the message mom. I've also realized that the messages and love you send my kids in their dreams and even while they are awake are messages to me as well. I'm not as easily accessible so you go through the boys, who are. It's taking me a while, momma, but I'm learning...
I love you so very much mom. Every day I wish you were still here. I miss having your constant love and support and strength. A very good friend reminded me when I was having a very sad moment, that everything I need from you, you gave me before you left. I play those words over and over in my mind. You were the strongest woman I have ever known, and you used to tell me how strong you thought I was. I never really believed it. I'm not sure I do now, but I'm trying to have faith and remember that I am your daughter, and I learned love, strength, and persistence from you. I try to honor you mom with the way I go on everyday, when it would be easier not to. There are still times I want to give up and lock myself away and cry until all the pain goes away. But I will keep moving forward. It's what you would expect of me and want for me.
I love you and miss you more than ever Mamacita. I need to go to start packing. I will write again soon. Please come visit me either in my dreams or ur babies. BTW, Monster Max is still as sassy and naughty as ever! I'm sure you've seen, but he's still my cuddle muffin! :) And your Sam Sam loves and misses you so much too.
Love and Hugs,
Erika
Friday, April 8, 2011
I Will Remember
You truly are the most beautiful, amazing, loving woman I have ever known. I miss you so much today mom! I love this picture of you! This is how I want to remember you today.. with a giddy, slap-happy smile, and glass of red wine! To honor your special day, Dave and I have a couple of things planned!
I took a half day off from work, and went to Byerly's and bought a beautiful birthday cake for you, and Dave got a bottle of Ulupalakua Red. I'll never forget the first time we drank a bottle of that Hawaiian wine together! It was when Dave and I were living in the condo in Plymouth, before we had kids, and you came over for the weekend. We grilled and ate dinner on the huge deck we had and shared this bottle of wine that we had brought back from Maui on our honeymoon! I remember the laughing, the silliness we shared, and how the whole bottle of wine was gone far too soon! It was one of many perfect evenings we've had together. We've shared many bottles since then, and I really wish you were here today to share this one with us.
We are going to take the kids to Guadalajara tonight for dinner. I asked Sam this morning what he thought we should do to celebrate your birthday, and he said "We should go to that Mexican restaurant, because Nana loved the pretty painted birds they have there!" I totally agree. And you did love the Mexican artwork there. So we're going to go there for dinner, then come home and have cake with the boys. We are going to put four birthday candles in it, and each of us is going to take a turn sending you a wish/love message and then blow out one candle. And after the boys go to bed, Dave and I will share the bottle of Red.
I'm trying not to go down the really sad road right now. I know at some point today/tonight that will be inevitable, though. This past weekend Dave and I went down to Stillwater and we were in a Chef store and I saw some dishes that took my breath away. They had butterflies and dragonflies on them. They were exactly your style, and all I could think was that if you were here, I would have bought them instantly for your birthday. It was so hard to walk out of there without buying one of the dishes. Dave asked me if I wanted to get one, and I realized that it wasn't the plate I wanted, it was just you. The dishes were your style, not mine, and I just needed a piece of you with me. So there I stood, tears in my eyes, not wanting to leave the store without you, and not wanting to stay there, where the pain was.
I won't ever forget, mom. I will remember your soothing, gentle voice. I will remember your hugs... and how I would make you laugh and feel uncomfortable when I had invaded your personal space for far too long by hugging you for an inappropriate length of time, according to you, that is! :) I will remember your radiant smiles when you would walk up the steps into my home, and you'd see your babies again. I will remember the feeling of an hour long phone call with you. I will remember your giggles when you were over-tired and everything was way funnier! I will remember the way you loved my boys like they were your own. I will remember how we used to text each other all the time. I will remember how on your last birthday, when we knew you were going to die, I should have been comforting you, but you were comforting and reassuring me. I will always remember standing in Target in the card section, trying to pick out what I knew would be the very last birthday card I would ever give you. With tears flowing down my cheeks, I called Dave and asked him how I could possibly pick one out, one that would say everything I needed it to say for the very last time. And with his sweet wisdom, he said it didn't matter which one I picked out because you already knew what I wanted to say to you. So I picked out two of them, and cried the entire way to the hospital as I wrote my final words of birthday love to you. I will remember your beautiful eyes and how they could look into my heart and know what was there. I will remember the warmth of your arms as you held me one year ago today while I cried, and said I didn't think I could do this without you. I will remember your strength as you rocked me and said "You'll be ok, baby.. You'll be ok."
I will remember your love.
With all of mine,
Erika
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Reflections
Dear Mamacita,
It's been so long since I've written you a letter. I tried a few weeks ago, and when I went to publish it, it disappeared, and I didn't have the heart to re-write the pain and loneliness I had just poured out. So here I am again, a few weeks later. I miss you so incredibly badly right now mom. The last few weeks have been very difficult. Where to start? The stress has just been so consuming. I'll pour it all out to you and try to let you make sense of it all. I miss how I would call you when I was stressed and sad and tell you all the hurts on my heart and your words were like a soothing balm on my hearting heart. Even if you couldn't fix the problem, you made me feel like I wasn't alone, and that we would both handle the challenges and hurts this life has to offer.
Sam and Max have been constantly sick. Ear infections, strep, head colds, etc. Doctor visits, nebs, and medications have become the norm around here. I've just finished parent/teacher conferences. There's a lot of stress at school, and my dad has been in the hospital and going through a lot too. Working the long days and not getting enough sleep are taking its toll. I actually just went to the doctor myself yesterday because for the last few days I've been experiencing some disconcerting chest pain and irregular heartbeat. I didn't know if it was caused from the meds I'm taking, anxiety, stress, or something else more serious. The doctor said my EKG was normal, and that my symptoms are a result of too much stress. He told me to find ways to decrease my stress. I laughed at him, mom! I said "Easier said than done". I have two little kids, I'm a teacher, there's lots of stress at school, at home, and I've lost you this year.
I can hear you whispering to my heart "How are you, Sweetie?" Well mom, it's a mixed bag. The new meds are definitely making me feel better, and I went to a DKM concert a couple of weeks ago, and I had the most fun I've had in, well for as long as I can remember. I was with some of my very favorite people and I had a few drinks, ok a lot of drinks, and the concert was awesome! It was the first time I had felt exuberance, and truly happy and carefree in a couple of years. I wasn't thinking about broken hearts, sick kids, students, bills, responsibilities, or anything else that weighs on my heart and mind. I was just free to enjoy being out and being a girl! :)
Earlier this week when it was over 50 degrees I noticed some signs of spring. It was so warm, it got me wondering if the plants in front of our house had started to spring up yet. I pulled off the dead stuff from last year, and there hiding beneath it was the little green buds, pushing through the rocks! Then I looked closely at our maple trees and I saw the buds. I wanted to call you so badly right then. I knew how excited you would have been! It's been such a long, difficult winter. I see signs of spring and rebirth all over. Your tree in our back yard is finally unburied and the mound of wood chips is visible. I got into my car after school and it was hot inside! It felt so good to fee the sun soaking into my skin that day on the drive home. I miss the warmth! I remember how you would rejoice at the first sighting of a robin in your yard! There are all these signs of hope and a change of season. My hope is that God will help change the season in my life. The winter I've been living in for the last year has changed me in so many ways. Some things I don't even recognize about myself.
And to add one more stress to my plate, I got a phone call from the Pine County Sheriff asking me for Dayton's cell phone number. The house alarm was going off in the background and he said that someone had broken into your house. He said they kicked in the door and got in. It's not a big mystery to figure out who could have been involved in the break-in. I haven't been able to call Dayton yet, even though I know I should. I just can't take the stress of dealing with Adam. You knew it was going to be hard for me to keep picking up the pieces after you left. I remember you apologizing that you were leaving me to deal with Adam alone. I can't do it mom. My brain knows that I'm not responsible for his choices and his actions, but that doesn't help me feel less embarrassed and angry over his actions. He has to know that I'm hurting, and yet he doesn't care mom. He hasn't once called me, or attempted to talk to me since before you died. It feels like it's just one more person who has left me alone.
I can hear you whispering "What else baby?" Ok, here it is mom. I'm scared. I've been doing better, but now I'm approaching spring break, when we found out that your cancer was back and it was the end of the line for you. Also, your birthday is coming up. I just don't know how God can ask me to live through the worst time of my entire life all over again. I think that this is what has been hurting my chest lately. Fear. Can I really face the memories of losing you all over again? How do I do that momma? I almost lost myself the first time around. When we were at Lake Vermillion together, long before any of this had started to play out, I asked you "How am I ever gonna live without you someday?" And you said "We're gonna figure that out." We never got around to figuring that out mom, and now here I am, still not knowing how to live my life fully without you in it. All of the one year anniversaries are upon me... the day I was told your cancer was back and there was no hope, your decision to go back home for hospice care, the hospice in-take meeting, spending what would the last weekend ever with you, watching you hug my son goodbye for the last time, our last "I love you", our last embrace, our last lucid conversation, our last eye contact.
The list of "lasts" stretches on. I have to live through your final hours again, and what it was like to lay my head on your chest, crying, telling you that it was ok for you to go, that I would eventually be ok. I have to replay your last breath, and sitting with you in that room until the sun came up, holding your lifeless hand, feeling how quickly your forehead and hands got cold. Remembering the horror of the funeral home taking your body out of the house. How I had already lost you spiritually and them taking your body away, made me lose you physically as well. Mom, when you died, part of me died too. I know I will never get back that part of my heart. I know people can survive with a broken heart, with a piece of themselves missing, so I guess that's what I do. You were my connection to my past and knew me like no one else ever can.
Also, I know I'm going to have to talk to Dayton soon about your headstone. I'm so fearful of that conversation. I need this to be finished. Maybe he will surprise us and be agreeable to everything, but that hasn't proven to be the case in the past. He has a plan, but we aren't always privy to that information. I pray that it will go well and we can get it ordered and placed as soon as possible. You deserve it mom.
Over the past eleven months I've been slowly gluing my shattered heart back together. I've been working hard on it mom. I know I honor you by living, by loving your babies, by taking care of myself. And that's why I go on. That's why I get the counseling and meds that I need. It would all be so much easier to give up, but that's not what you and I do. We've been through so much together. I only wish I didn't have to go through this pain without you. Nothing in my life could have ever prepared me for a grief and loss like this.
I know that you are happy, healthy, and beautiful wherever you are right now. And that you are excited for me to join you there. I look forward to that more than I can say mom. I would give anything for one more conversation with you, one more hug, one more time of hearing your real voice tell me that you love me and haven't left me, even though I can't see you.
I'll write again soon mama. I'm going to try to get outside today and go for a walk. I'll be looking for you. You told me once "Any time you see something beautiful, I am there.."
Love and Tears,
Me
It's been so long since I've written you a letter. I tried a few weeks ago, and when I went to publish it, it disappeared, and I didn't have the heart to re-write the pain and loneliness I had just poured out. So here I am again, a few weeks later. I miss you so incredibly badly right now mom. The last few weeks have been very difficult. Where to start? The stress has just been so consuming. I'll pour it all out to you and try to let you make sense of it all. I miss how I would call you when I was stressed and sad and tell you all the hurts on my heart and your words were like a soothing balm on my hearting heart. Even if you couldn't fix the problem, you made me feel like I wasn't alone, and that we would both handle the challenges and hurts this life has to offer.
Sam and Max have been constantly sick. Ear infections, strep, head colds, etc. Doctor visits, nebs, and medications have become the norm around here. I've just finished parent/teacher conferences. There's a lot of stress at school, and my dad has been in the hospital and going through a lot too. Working the long days and not getting enough sleep are taking its toll. I actually just went to the doctor myself yesterday because for the last few days I've been experiencing some disconcerting chest pain and irregular heartbeat. I didn't know if it was caused from the meds I'm taking, anxiety, stress, or something else more serious. The doctor said my EKG was normal, and that my symptoms are a result of too much stress. He told me to find ways to decrease my stress. I laughed at him, mom! I said "Easier said than done". I have two little kids, I'm a teacher, there's lots of stress at school, at home, and I've lost you this year.
I can hear you whispering to my heart "How are you, Sweetie?" Well mom, it's a mixed bag. The new meds are definitely making me feel better, and I went to a DKM concert a couple of weeks ago, and I had the most fun I've had in, well for as long as I can remember. I was with some of my very favorite people and I had a few drinks, ok a lot of drinks, and the concert was awesome! It was the first time I had felt exuberance, and truly happy and carefree in a couple of years. I wasn't thinking about broken hearts, sick kids, students, bills, responsibilities, or anything else that weighs on my heart and mind. I was just free to enjoy being out and being a girl! :)
Earlier this week when it was over 50 degrees I noticed some signs of spring. It was so warm, it got me wondering if the plants in front of our house had started to spring up yet. I pulled off the dead stuff from last year, and there hiding beneath it was the little green buds, pushing through the rocks! Then I looked closely at our maple trees and I saw the buds. I wanted to call you so badly right then. I knew how excited you would have been! It's been such a long, difficult winter. I see signs of spring and rebirth all over. Your tree in our back yard is finally unburied and the mound of wood chips is visible. I got into my car after school and it was hot inside! It felt so good to fee the sun soaking into my skin that day on the drive home. I miss the warmth! I remember how you would rejoice at the first sighting of a robin in your yard! There are all these signs of hope and a change of season. My hope is that God will help change the season in my life. The winter I've been living in for the last year has changed me in so many ways. Some things I don't even recognize about myself.
And to add one more stress to my plate, I got a phone call from the Pine County Sheriff asking me for Dayton's cell phone number. The house alarm was going off in the background and he said that someone had broken into your house. He said they kicked in the door and got in. It's not a big mystery to figure out who could have been involved in the break-in. I haven't been able to call Dayton yet, even though I know I should. I just can't take the stress of dealing with Adam. You knew it was going to be hard for me to keep picking up the pieces after you left. I remember you apologizing that you were leaving me to deal with Adam alone. I can't do it mom. My brain knows that I'm not responsible for his choices and his actions, but that doesn't help me feel less embarrassed and angry over his actions. He has to know that I'm hurting, and yet he doesn't care mom. He hasn't once called me, or attempted to talk to me since before you died. It feels like it's just one more person who has left me alone.
I can hear you whispering "What else baby?" Ok, here it is mom. I'm scared. I've been doing better, but now I'm approaching spring break, when we found out that your cancer was back and it was the end of the line for you. Also, your birthday is coming up. I just don't know how God can ask me to live through the worst time of my entire life all over again. I think that this is what has been hurting my chest lately. Fear. Can I really face the memories of losing you all over again? How do I do that momma? I almost lost myself the first time around. When we were at Lake Vermillion together, long before any of this had started to play out, I asked you "How am I ever gonna live without you someday?" And you said "We're gonna figure that out." We never got around to figuring that out mom, and now here I am, still not knowing how to live my life fully without you in it. All of the one year anniversaries are upon me... the day I was told your cancer was back and there was no hope, your decision to go back home for hospice care, the hospice in-take meeting, spending what would the last weekend ever with you, watching you hug my son goodbye for the last time, our last "I love you", our last embrace, our last lucid conversation, our last eye contact.
The list of "lasts" stretches on. I have to live through your final hours again, and what it was like to lay my head on your chest, crying, telling you that it was ok for you to go, that I would eventually be ok. I have to replay your last breath, and sitting with you in that room until the sun came up, holding your lifeless hand, feeling how quickly your forehead and hands got cold. Remembering the horror of the funeral home taking your body out of the house. How I had already lost you spiritually and them taking your body away, made me lose you physically as well. Mom, when you died, part of me died too. I know I will never get back that part of my heart. I know people can survive with a broken heart, with a piece of themselves missing, so I guess that's what I do. You were my connection to my past and knew me like no one else ever can.
Also, I know I'm going to have to talk to Dayton soon about your headstone. I'm so fearful of that conversation. I need this to be finished. Maybe he will surprise us and be agreeable to everything, but that hasn't proven to be the case in the past. He has a plan, but we aren't always privy to that information. I pray that it will go well and we can get it ordered and placed as soon as possible. You deserve it mom.
Over the past eleven months I've been slowly gluing my shattered heart back together. I've been working hard on it mom. I know I honor you by living, by loving your babies, by taking care of myself. And that's why I go on. That's why I get the counseling and meds that I need. It would all be so much easier to give up, but that's not what you and I do. We've been through so much together. I only wish I didn't have to go through this pain without you. Nothing in my life could have ever prepared me for a grief and loss like this.
I know that you are happy, healthy, and beautiful wherever you are right now. And that you are excited for me to join you there. I look forward to that more than I can say mom. I would give anything for one more conversation with you, one more hug, one more time of hearing your real voice tell me that you love me and haven't left me, even though I can't see you.
I'll write again soon mama. I'm going to try to get outside today and go for a walk. I'll be looking for you. You told me once "Any time you see something beautiful, I am there.."
Love and Tears,
Me
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