Dear Mamacita,
We had a very nice Christmas Eve with Dayton! He went to such effort to make it a special day for us. The house was so clean, he had worked so hard, and it was decorated! He put up a small Christmas tree and decorated it, and also put stockings up for the kids and the kitties! He really, really tried mom! I think because he was so thoughtful, so gentle, grateful and happy we were there with him, it made it a day I won't forget. I was so afraid that it would just be horrible to be there without you, but it wasn't. As we left that evening I could hear your voice in my head saying "See, I told you everything would be ok!"
Before we went out to your house we stopped at your grave site and I brought you your favorite Ritz peanut butter chocolate covered cookies. I tromped through knee high snow, and am so glad that we had that cross put there! It was still standing perfectly straight and still looked like new. I rubbed your name and set the cookies on top of the snow for you. I know the birds will eat them, but I think you'd like to see them visiting you and getting a tasty winter snack. More likely, the damn squirrels will get them, but that's funny too! I started crying while I was standing there next to you. I think just knowing your body is that close to me, but still so far away, pushes the loneliness to the forefront of my mind and heart. I still can't help thinking how cold you must be. The need to give you a blanket still hasn't gone away.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of your bone marrow transplant. I will never forget how hopeful we were, and how lucky we were. I know so many people don't ever get a match, don't ever get even a chance at getting better. I will never forget what Gerald did mom. I know a little of the physical hell he went through to give us all this hope. I remember he said it felt like every bone in his body was in pain. He never takes an Advil or Tylenol, but he was readily accepting morphine for the pain. That tells me how bad it really was. But he never once complained or had second thoughts. Every time I saw him he had a smile on his face. I know he'd do it again if given the chance. I know anyone in our family would have done it. Just as I would give anything I have to help one of them. Thank you doesn't seem enough to give Uncle Gerald, mom. I just hope he doesn't feel like it was all for nothing. Hope is a precious thing, and his gift reminded me of all the good that is in human hearts, and how much he really does love you and us all. I pray for God to bless him every day mom. He deserves it.
I really needed to talk to you yesterday. I needed someone a little more removed from the situation than me and Dave, and yet someone who still had a vested interest in Sam's well-being. I don't want to go into too much detail here mom, but we are trying to make a difficult decision for Sam that will make his life much harder now, but may improve his quality of life in the future. We are feeling guilty for not doing something about it earlier, for letting it go. But at the time, his other needs were more important, and this seemed secondary. I don't know mom. Someone I trust reminded me that I'm not his P.T., I'm not his O.T., I'm not his teacher. What he needs from me is a mom's love and to get him the resources he needs. I know this is true but it's still hard to accept. My heart is breaking for him. He already feel different than his peers, and if we make this decision he will feel even more different than them. Please help guide us to the right decision.
I miss you mamacita. I miss your gentleness, the way you always had the right words to soothe my heart. I need those words now. I need to be your little girl for just a little while.. let me be 5 years old and lay my head on your lap and let you stroke my hair and whisper all the things I need to hear from you. If I close my eyes I can put myself back on your hospital bed, the day of your birthday, when you held me like that as I cried, and you whispered over and over "You'll be ok, baby, you'll be ok.." I knew it wasn't true then, and it's not true now, but maybe someday it will be. Just don't let go of my hand mom. I need you.
Love and Difficult Decisions,
Erika
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Eggs, Cookies and Ribbons
Dear Mamacita,
Oh mom! I've tried to write so many times, but the words just wouldn't come. I'm feeling so conflicted about so many things. There's been some good things that have happened though, that have made me feel you and God. On Wednesday I was alone in our house wrapping presents for Dave and I saw the beautiful fabric ribbon lying there on the table and I said aloud "Ok mom, I'll give it a try!" You always tied beautiful fabric bows on our presents! No one ever wanted to cut them off or throw them away. You always scoffed at our gushings about how amazing they looked. I think I loved the gifts from you because of the time you took in making them look so beautiful. I know you were thinking of me and putting all your love into each wrapping. So I worked and worked to tie something worthy on Dave's gift, and I have to say, it did turn out nice! Not up to your standards, but the best I've ever been able to do! It meant a lot to me that I could honor you and our tradition this way. So I tied beautiful ribbons on all of Dave's gifts.
While I was wrapping I was talking out loud to you about the dilemma I've been struggling with in my heart. Dayton is expecting us to come over to his/your house for Christmas Eve and I've wanted to cancel. I'm so afraid of spending Christmas Eve without you, and I don't know if I can spend it in your home, surrounded by everything that is you, and not have you there. I don't know if I can stand being there today without hearing the sound of your voice, and your laughter, the clatter of pots and pans preparing our Christmas dinner, and the look of joy on your face as your babies opening their gifts. It's going to feel so lonely. I really don't know if I can do it mom. So anyway, I was talking out loud to you, asking you what I should do. Should I cancel on Dayton? Does he even want a relationship with us? Does he care if we are there? What do you want me to do mom? I asked you to send me a note, an email, or whatever to show me what I'm supposed to do, what the right thing to do in this situation is. And literally the moment I finished asking you all of these questions out loud, my phone rang. It was Dayton. He was calling to see if we were still coming today. I started to cry. It was obvious to me that this was a sign if there ever was one! You were listening mom! Thank you thank you thank you! At that moment, I knew you wanted me to be there with Dayton on Christmas eve.
It was a good conversation with Dayton. He was so nice and gentle with me. I could tell he genuinely wanted us to be there. I even told him how scared I was of how it would feel there without you being there and I started to cry. I asked him if it was going to feel horrible, and he said "No, it won't.. Everything will be ok, Everything will be ok..." So as I hung up with him, I knew you had a hand in this. Now I'm begging you to help me actually get through this day. I am praying that it's not so incredibly painful that I can't enjoy it.
One other thing that happened that I knew was a love message from you! I had hard boiled some eggs and on Tuesday I cut one in half to salt and pepper it and then eat it. When I sliced it open the yolk was in the shape of a perfect heart! So I had two perfect hearts right in front of me! How random is that?!! I knew it had to be from you.. Your love and my love.. Just a reminder from you.
Ok mom, here goes. It's going to be a long emotional day, please help me get through it. I love you more than I can say, a love that echoes through to the Heavens. Feel my love for you. Send your love and comfort to me.
Oh, and I'll be stopping by your grave site today with some of your favorite Ritz peanut butter, white chocolate covered cookies! You used to beg me to make them every year! They were your faves!
Love and Ritz Cookies,
Erika
Oh mom! I've tried to write so many times, but the words just wouldn't come. I'm feeling so conflicted about so many things. There's been some good things that have happened though, that have made me feel you and God. On Wednesday I was alone in our house wrapping presents for Dave and I saw the beautiful fabric ribbon lying there on the table and I said aloud "Ok mom, I'll give it a try!" You always tied beautiful fabric bows on our presents! No one ever wanted to cut them off or throw them away. You always scoffed at our gushings about how amazing they looked. I think I loved the gifts from you because of the time you took in making them look so beautiful. I know you were thinking of me and putting all your love into each wrapping. So I worked and worked to tie something worthy on Dave's gift, and I have to say, it did turn out nice! Not up to your standards, but the best I've ever been able to do! It meant a lot to me that I could honor you and our tradition this way. So I tied beautiful ribbons on all of Dave's gifts.
While I was wrapping I was talking out loud to you about the dilemma I've been struggling with in my heart. Dayton is expecting us to come over to his/your house for Christmas Eve and I've wanted to cancel. I'm so afraid of spending Christmas Eve without you, and I don't know if I can spend it in your home, surrounded by everything that is you, and not have you there. I don't know if I can stand being there today without hearing the sound of your voice, and your laughter, the clatter of pots and pans preparing our Christmas dinner, and the look of joy on your face as your babies opening their gifts. It's going to feel so lonely. I really don't know if I can do it mom. So anyway, I was talking out loud to you, asking you what I should do. Should I cancel on Dayton? Does he even want a relationship with us? Does he care if we are there? What do you want me to do mom? I asked you to send me a note, an email, or whatever to show me what I'm supposed to do, what the right thing to do in this situation is. And literally the moment I finished asking you all of these questions out loud, my phone rang. It was Dayton. He was calling to see if we were still coming today. I started to cry. It was obvious to me that this was a sign if there ever was one! You were listening mom! Thank you thank you thank you! At that moment, I knew you wanted me to be there with Dayton on Christmas eve.
It was a good conversation with Dayton. He was so nice and gentle with me. I could tell he genuinely wanted us to be there. I even told him how scared I was of how it would feel there without you being there and I started to cry. I asked him if it was going to feel horrible, and he said "No, it won't.. Everything will be ok, Everything will be ok..." So as I hung up with him, I knew you had a hand in this. Now I'm begging you to help me actually get through this day. I am praying that it's not so incredibly painful that I can't enjoy it.
One other thing that happened that I knew was a love message from you! I had hard boiled some eggs and on Tuesday I cut one in half to salt and pepper it and then eat it. When I sliced it open the yolk was in the shape of a perfect heart! So I had two perfect hearts right in front of me! How random is that?!! I knew it had to be from you.. Your love and my love.. Just a reminder from you.
Ok mom, here goes. It's going to be a long emotional day, please help me get through it. I love you more than I can say, a love that echoes through to the Heavens. Feel my love for you. Send your love and comfort to me.
Oh, and I'll be stopping by your grave site today with some of your favorite Ritz peanut butter, white chocolate covered cookies! You used to beg me to make them every year! They were your faves!
Love and Ritz Cookies,
Erika
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Inadequate
Dear Mamacita,
It's 7:00 a.m. on a snowy Saturday morning. Do you remember the wonderful, calm glow of the Christmas tree in the morning? It feels like the universe is is quiet and still. The kids are happily watching a Christmas cartoon and Dave got us a bag of Kona coffee beans last night! So I got the coffee pot ready and the beans ground last night, and then set out our favorite coffee cups so that everything would be ready to go this morning. My favorite Saturday tradition is drinking coffee from your favorite mug that I kept when you moved out. It's the one that says "My favorite people call me Nana". It makes me feel close to you. It reminds me of sitting at the kitchen table early in the morning with you, drinking coffee and having loving chats.
Did you ever feel inadequate as a mom and woman, mamacita? This season is proving to be particularly difficult for me. I'm feeling inadequate in so many ways. The Christmas tree is up, the stockings are hung and the Santa pictures are sitting on the mantel, but that's all the decorating we have been able to do. The boys have been really sick this week and school has been really trying. Sometimes I feel like I let everyone who's important to me down. I wish I could just be graceful and accepting of what has happened. There are some people I know who have had difficult situations that are so graceful, gentle and accepting of what life has dealt them. I can't figure out why I don't have that. Instead I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I'm just hurt, fearful, and angry. I haven't been doing right by God and my kids by not taking them to Sunday school and attending worship ourselves. I have a whole basket full of wonderful Christmas books that I can't bring myself to read to them.
This season is supposed to be full of expectation. Waiting for baby Jesus to come into our world, waiting for Santa to come, waiting for the family get togethers, waiting for the special holiday treats, and waiting for the presents. But for me, I don't feel it mom. It all seems hollow. I haven't bought any Christmas presents yet, it just doesn't seem important, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed by life that sometimes I can't even bring myself to return phone calls or maintain friendships that mean so much to me. I know that I haven't been a very good friend to so many people who are so important to me. I used to be the one whom people would come to, to talk about their problems, but now I feel like people aren't sharing these things with me like they used to. I'm probably putting out the vibe that I can't handle everyone else's problems. I also feel very needy and vulnerable for the first time in my life.
My anxiety levels have been really high this week. I've had to take more meds than usual. But when everything hurts and I feel like I can't breathe there's no good options. I try to focus on my breathing, mom. Taking long, deep steadying breaths, but sometimes that doesn't help at all. If I didn't have Dave as my rock and steady force in my life I wouldn't be functioning as well as I am. How long will this last mom? How long will I need all the meds in order to cope and function? When does the pain subside? I absolutely hate it when people tell me to just "think about the good times"! Do they think that I don't want to do that??? There are times when I am calm and it's just me and Dave that I can talk about funny memories of us and favorite times, but mostly when I think about you, it's just the loneliness. Just remembering over and over again that you are gone. That I have to face the rest of my life without you. That I don't get to call you anymore to ask you how to make gravy (for the 130th time!) or how long to hard boil an egg, or what to do when your Sam Sam has a temp of 104 degrees and is asking for you and says that he just wants you here to take care of him and hold him.
Where do I go from here? I'm praying for God to show me the path I need to take. I trust that he can make a flower bloom from this desert of pain. I want to ask Him so many questions, but I know the answers will have to wait. I know that I can't see His plan for my life. I know he only wants and plans good for our lives, but it's hard to see through the grief and loneliness right now. I praise him for the 34 1/2 years I had with you. I am thankful that He gave us each other for as long as we did. I truly believe that depth of which we grieve is directly proportionate to the depth to which we loved. As Queen Elizabeth II said "Grief is the price we pay for love."
For now I'm going to make my kids some "Fa la la hot chocolate" (dark hot chocolate with Andes mints melted in them) and drink my Kona coffee and just let God sort it out for me. I'll keep on keeping on and keep breathing.
Love and Coffee,
Me
It's 7:00 a.m. on a snowy Saturday morning. Do you remember the wonderful, calm glow of the Christmas tree in the morning? It feels like the universe is is quiet and still. The kids are happily watching a Christmas cartoon and Dave got us a bag of Kona coffee beans last night! So I got the coffee pot ready and the beans ground last night, and then set out our favorite coffee cups so that everything would be ready to go this morning. My favorite Saturday tradition is drinking coffee from your favorite mug that I kept when you moved out. It's the one that says "My favorite people call me Nana". It makes me feel close to you. It reminds me of sitting at the kitchen table early in the morning with you, drinking coffee and having loving chats.
Did you ever feel inadequate as a mom and woman, mamacita? This season is proving to be particularly difficult for me. I'm feeling inadequate in so many ways. The Christmas tree is up, the stockings are hung and the Santa pictures are sitting on the mantel, but that's all the decorating we have been able to do. The boys have been really sick this week and school has been really trying. Sometimes I feel like I let everyone who's important to me down. I wish I could just be graceful and accepting of what has happened. There are some people I know who have had difficult situations that are so graceful, gentle and accepting of what life has dealt them. I can't figure out why I don't have that. Instead I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I'm just hurt, fearful, and angry. I haven't been doing right by God and my kids by not taking them to Sunday school and attending worship ourselves. I have a whole basket full of wonderful Christmas books that I can't bring myself to read to them.
This season is supposed to be full of expectation. Waiting for baby Jesus to come into our world, waiting for Santa to come, waiting for the family get togethers, waiting for the special holiday treats, and waiting for the presents. But for me, I don't feel it mom. It all seems hollow. I haven't bought any Christmas presents yet, it just doesn't seem important, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed by life that sometimes I can't even bring myself to return phone calls or maintain friendships that mean so much to me. I know that I haven't been a very good friend to so many people who are so important to me. I used to be the one whom people would come to, to talk about their problems, but now I feel like people aren't sharing these things with me like they used to. I'm probably putting out the vibe that I can't handle everyone else's problems. I also feel very needy and vulnerable for the first time in my life.
My anxiety levels have been really high this week. I've had to take more meds than usual. But when everything hurts and I feel like I can't breathe there's no good options. I try to focus on my breathing, mom. Taking long, deep steadying breaths, but sometimes that doesn't help at all. If I didn't have Dave as my rock and steady force in my life I wouldn't be functioning as well as I am. How long will this last mom? How long will I need all the meds in order to cope and function? When does the pain subside? I absolutely hate it when people tell me to just "think about the good times"! Do they think that I don't want to do that??? There are times when I am calm and it's just me and Dave that I can talk about funny memories of us and favorite times, but mostly when I think about you, it's just the loneliness. Just remembering over and over again that you are gone. That I have to face the rest of my life without you. That I don't get to call you anymore to ask you how to make gravy (for the 130th time!) or how long to hard boil an egg, or what to do when your Sam Sam has a temp of 104 degrees and is asking for you and says that he just wants you here to take care of him and hold him.
Where do I go from here? I'm praying for God to show me the path I need to take. I trust that he can make a flower bloom from this desert of pain. I want to ask Him so many questions, but I know the answers will have to wait. I know that I can't see His plan for my life. I know he only wants and plans good for our lives, but it's hard to see through the grief and loneliness right now. I praise him for the 34 1/2 years I had with you. I am thankful that He gave us each other for as long as we did. I truly believe that depth of which we grieve is directly proportionate to the depth to which we loved. As Queen Elizabeth II said "Grief is the price we pay for love."
For now I'm going to make my kids some "Fa la la hot chocolate" (dark hot chocolate with Andes mints melted in them) and drink my Kona coffee and just let God sort it out for me. I'll keep on keeping on and keep breathing.
Love and Coffee,
Me
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Ribbons
Dear Mamacita,
My heart just isn't in it. We are trying to clean, decorate, and set up the Christmas tree. Of course, nothing can go that smoothly. You know what set me off today? I was trying to tie a beautiful new Christmas ribbon on the gorgeous glass ornament of yours that is hanging from our window, and I can't do it! I cannot tie the damned ribbon in bow to save my life. You had an amazing gift for tying beautiful ribbons. It was one of the things I looked forward to most at Christmas, every present you wrapped had a beautifully tied fabric ribbon around it. I knew one day I would miss that so much, I just didn't know that "one day" would be this year.
It feels like my chest is caving in on itself. My heart and chest physically hurt. I'm fighting a migraine too. I know my body is trying to tell me I'm doing to much and not taking care of myself emotionally, but I don't know what to do. I want to decorate and make Christmas special for your babies, but it hurts so much mom. The anxiety is hovering right over my shoulder, waiting to ambush me when I least expect it. I'm so unhappy mom. Things weren't good last year at this time, but at least we had hope. We were leading up to your transplant and had our eyes on the goal, a new lease on life for you. Instead, something went horribly wrong and now there's nothing. Just my first miserable Christmas season without you. Everything is an outrage mom. Putting up pretty things, making a shopping/gift list, planning family get togethers, it all seems wrong. I just want to skip it all together.
I wish I could clone myself. Then I could give Sam and Max a happy, loving mom, and Dave a less needy wife, instead of this shell of the person I once was. The only thing about me that is the same since before you died, is the stuff on the outside. If I could clone myself then I could go somewhere alone and just grieve, or try to figure out how to find you in all of this pain. I would give almost anything to see you again, if only for a little while, just to ease the incredible loneliness I feel without you. You were my shield in this world. The person who loved me without question or condition.
My friend Jen titled her last post "Love Come Down". It made me think about how God may have felt when He sent His son into our world. He knew how it would end, with His beautiful, amazing Son on the cross, and yet, He sent Him anyways, out of His love for us. He literally sent His love down to us in the form of a tiny baby. When I look back on our story mom, even knowing now how it would end, I would do it again in a heartbeat. All the tears we shared, the trials and heartaches we went through, made us who we are. The good times and the bad made our relationship the amazing thing it was.
I'm trying to figure out how God intends me to grow from this desert of pain. What does He want from me? People tell me they think I am strong. I'm not. The truth is I feel vulnerable, angry, sad, hurt, miserable and lost without you. I know He gave us blessings along the way, but it doesn't change the fact that you're still gone, and I'm left here to deal with life and Adam, and Dayton without you. I miss the way you would mediate between me and Dayton, and the way you would put him in his place and tell him to knock it off when he was being stubborn or throwing a fit. I showed him the cross we had made for your grave site and I know he didn't like it. I don't really care though. It felt good to me and Dave once it was there for you. After we placed it and stood back to look at it, all I could do was cry.
I'm so sorry it ended this way mom. I know if you had a choice you'd choose to be here with us. In the last 6 months of your life you showed more strength and grace than anyone I have ever known. What do you want me to do now mom? How do I honor you and your life during this season? God, I miss your voice so much. It hasn't gotten easier to not hear your voice on the phone or feel your hug. I'm having a hard time with it being winter. All I can think of is that your body is buried in the cold unforgiving ground and you must be so cold. I keep wishing I had wrapped warm blankets around you before they buried you. I fight the urge to bring you blankets. I know you don't really need them, I just need to be able to care for you somehow in some way.
Do you see me mom? Do you feel my love and my loneliness for you? Can you send me a sign that I can recognize to show me that you still are there, still love me and haven't forgotten me wherever it is that you are? I know I shouldn't be jealous of Heaven, since I know I'm going there too someday, and will get to spend eternity with you and all His saints, but I just want to be where you are.
There is a song that I have dubbed as "yours". It's titled "Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin. There's a line in it that makes me feel like you're talking directly to me. It goes: "My chains are gone, I've been set free.." I know that is how you must feel right now. The chains of your illness and hurting body have been broken. God took you home to be with Him and now you are perfect. And for that, I am grateful and humbled by His mercy. "And like a flood, His mercy rains, unending love, amazing grace.."
Please be with me mom. I need you more than ever before. Be with Sam and help him through his grief too.
All My Love,
Erika
My heart just isn't in it. We are trying to clean, decorate, and set up the Christmas tree. Of course, nothing can go that smoothly. You know what set me off today? I was trying to tie a beautiful new Christmas ribbon on the gorgeous glass ornament of yours that is hanging from our window, and I can't do it! I cannot tie the damned ribbon in bow to save my life. You had an amazing gift for tying beautiful ribbons. It was one of the things I looked forward to most at Christmas, every present you wrapped had a beautifully tied fabric ribbon around it. I knew one day I would miss that so much, I just didn't know that "one day" would be this year.
It feels like my chest is caving in on itself. My heart and chest physically hurt. I'm fighting a migraine too. I know my body is trying to tell me I'm doing to much and not taking care of myself emotionally, but I don't know what to do. I want to decorate and make Christmas special for your babies, but it hurts so much mom. The anxiety is hovering right over my shoulder, waiting to ambush me when I least expect it. I'm so unhappy mom. Things weren't good last year at this time, but at least we had hope. We were leading up to your transplant and had our eyes on the goal, a new lease on life for you. Instead, something went horribly wrong and now there's nothing. Just my first miserable Christmas season without you. Everything is an outrage mom. Putting up pretty things, making a shopping/gift list, planning family get togethers, it all seems wrong. I just want to skip it all together.
I wish I could clone myself. Then I could give Sam and Max a happy, loving mom, and Dave a less needy wife, instead of this shell of the person I once was. The only thing about me that is the same since before you died, is the stuff on the outside. If I could clone myself then I could go somewhere alone and just grieve, or try to figure out how to find you in all of this pain. I would give almost anything to see you again, if only for a little while, just to ease the incredible loneliness I feel without you. You were my shield in this world. The person who loved me without question or condition.
My friend Jen titled her last post "Love Come Down". It made me think about how God may have felt when He sent His son into our world. He knew how it would end, with His beautiful, amazing Son on the cross, and yet, He sent Him anyways, out of His love for us. He literally sent His love down to us in the form of a tiny baby. When I look back on our story mom, even knowing now how it would end, I would do it again in a heartbeat. All the tears we shared, the trials and heartaches we went through, made us who we are. The good times and the bad made our relationship the amazing thing it was.
I'm trying to figure out how God intends me to grow from this desert of pain. What does He want from me? People tell me they think I am strong. I'm not. The truth is I feel vulnerable, angry, sad, hurt, miserable and lost without you. I know He gave us blessings along the way, but it doesn't change the fact that you're still gone, and I'm left here to deal with life and Adam, and Dayton without you. I miss the way you would mediate between me and Dayton, and the way you would put him in his place and tell him to knock it off when he was being stubborn or throwing a fit. I showed him the cross we had made for your grave site and I know he didn't like it. I don't really care though. It felt good to me and Dave once it was there for you. After we placed it and stood back to look at it, all I could do was cry.
I'm so sorry it ended this way mom. I know if you had a choice you'd choose to be here with us. In the last 6 months of your life you showed more strength and grace than anyone I have ever known. What do you want me to do now mom? How do I honor you and your life during this season? God, I miss your voice so much. It hasn't gotten easier to not hear your voice on the phone or feel your hug. I'm having a hard time with it being winter. All I can think of is that your body is buried in the cold unforgiving ground and you must be so cold. I keep wishing I had wrapped warm blankets around you before they buried you. I fight the urge to bring you blankets. I know you don't really need them, I just need to be able to care for you somehow in some way.
Do you see me mom? Do you feel my love and my loneliness for you? Can you send me a sign that I can recognize to show me that you still are there, still love me and haven't forgotten me wherever it is that you are? I know I shouldn't be jealous of Heaven, since I know I'm going there too someday, and will get to spend eternity with you and all His saints, but I just want to be where you are.
There is a song that I have dubbed as "yours". It's titled "Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin. There's a line in it that makes me feel like you're talking directly to me. It goes: "My chains are gone, I've been set free.." I know that is how you must feel right now. The chains of your illness and hurting body have been broken. God took you home to be with Him and now you are perfect. And for that, I am grateful and humbled by His mercy. "And like a flood, His mercy rains, unending love, amazing grace.."
Please be with me mom. I need you more than ever before. Be with Sam and help him through his grief too.
All My Love,
Erika
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