Dear Mamacita,
I've thought of you a trillion times since I last wrote. As usual, I don't know where to begin.. I hope you liked the 4th of July flowers I brought to you when I last visited your gravesite. It was good to be physically close to you again.
This has been a very hard week for me. It feels like my anxiety is amping up and the depression is worse. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears so often. I feel like I had made so much progress in dealing with/overcoming my anxiety, and now I'm on a downward slide again. I have been over-reacting to Maxwell's demeanor, worried that he could be sick again. I've been checking his temp and throat multiple times a day. I feel that the anxiety would be easier to manage if there weren't such strong physical manifestations of it. The chest tightness, the irregular heartbeat, racing heart, shortness of breath, etc. It's scary and extremely uncomfortable. There are new factors in play that are adding to my anxiety. I'm scared for my uncle, who is going down the dreaded cancer road, just like you and Kay. I know his story isn't yours, that his situation isn't yours, and his battle doesn't have to end like yours. My other uncle is battling a degenerative and painful disease, and still another uncle has got something else going on. I just hate that more of our family has to go through this. I feel like we have been asked to endure so much! Also my dad hasn't been doing well. I feel so sad for him that he has had to go through so much pain for a year and a half and there's no end in sight.
The other thing that has added to my anxiety is this morning I am headed up to Hinckley, to your house to go through bins of stuff that Dayton has gathered that he thinks I may want. I have a lot of fear for today. I know I need to turn it over to God and let Him take care of things. I guess it all comes down to I'm scared Dayton will say no to something I want to have of yours. There are a few things I have asked for in the past that he hasn't let me have, even though they were yours before you started dating him. I know all of these things are just "things" but they are a part of you and a part of my history. Things such as your Betty Crocker cookbook from the '50's and the huge pressure cooker that used to belong to Grandma. Some of my favorite memories are of you and Grandma canning jelly, tomatoes, etc. in the kitchen and then listening to the Ball jars pop all evening as they sealed. Another thing, I know you want Adam to have the grandfather clock someday. It was kind of a joke, because that clock is *so* not him, but he begrudgingly, and jokingly moved it so many times for you, that you said someday after you were gone that he should have it. There are just some things from my childhood that remind me where I came from that I really need to have. There are also some kitchen things you've had forever that I'd really like to have.
Please be with me today Mom. Let me feel your comforting presence as I go through things that were yours and ours. I pray that God will open Dayton's heart to why I want the things I do, and that he'll let them go gracefully. I also pray that if he does say no, I will have the grace to accept it and realize that God has other plans in the works.
It's summertime, so I have been feeling lonely. Cut off from my friends and adult support system due to the business of all of our kids' summertime activities, and the trainings I have to attend. My heart aches knowing that I won't hear your voice or feel your touch for such a long, long time. I do believe that someday we will be reunited in a place where there is no sadness, tears, pain, or suffering. Until then I have to raise two beautiful boys and enjoy all of their precious growing up moments. Sam and Max still talk about you and remember stories about you. Especially Sam Sam. He still aches for you, and misses the conversations the two of you would have. I burn to pick up my phone and call you or text you some random thought or just an "I love you".
I am so lucky to have had you as my mom. You have taught me what it really means to love someone unconditionally and completely. Every day I try to honor you by being the mom you knew I can be. And when I'm super frustrated with the kids I remember your gentle ways with them and how they would respond so well to you and your demeanor. I remember the things you taught me when they were babies. I remember your love and belief in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. I miss you so very much Momma. There isn't much I wouldn't give to spend a hour on the deck with you drinking morning coffee or wine during "happy hour", just chatting. I ask you again, please come visit me in my dreams. I need to hear your voice and feel your closeness.
All my love,
Erika
p.s. To all of my friends who read this: Please remember to not leave things unsaid to people you love, take every opportunity to hug, kiss, smile, cuddle, chat, and love those who matter most to you. Oh, and take more pictures!
