Dear Mamacita,
I need you so much right now. I need to hear your voice and to tell you all my troubles. Things really aren't going well at all right now. I feel so alone and sad. I miss having a deep connection with someone. How could God take you from me? I feel lost. I feel scared. I don't really know which direction to turn or how to make things better. If I could only talk to you I know you'd have the right words, or at least let me feel your love down deep in my heart. I'm hurting so badly right now I don't know if I can stand it. I thought things were getting better, but they really aren't. There are times that I just want to lay down next to your grave site and cry till I can't cry anymore. I want to feel your physical presence. I need to be close to you. Right now I'm just full of fear and worry and playing out worst case scenarios in my head that I shouldn't be. I think my greatest fear is that God will take anything good in my life. If He could take you, He could also take Dave, Sam, and my sweet little Monster Max. Without your love and guidance to anchor me in this world, I feel like a ship that's dead in the water during a hurricane. I don't know how to stop the things that are happening, or to make them better. Mom, please... I need some kind of message or sign from you. Please help me. I know I must seem desperate to you, and maybe I really am. It's just that sometimes this world is a very scary place.
All my love, hugs and kisses,
Erika
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Dear Mamacita,
I'm failing. At everything I'm doing in life. Sam thinks all I ever do is yell at him. I don't feel like I'm a good enough teacher. I'm stressed out, my anxiety level isn't ok, my depression level isn't ok. I need you here to fix things. I'm not doing a good enough job on my own. Everything is so difficult. There doesn't seem to be any peace anywhere. How do I make things ok again, Mom? Where do I even start?
I'm failing. At everything I'm doing in life. Sam thinks all I ever do is yell at him. I don't feel like I'm a good enough teacher. I'm stressed out, my anxiety level isn't ok, my depression level isn't ok. I need you here to fix things. I'm not doing a good enough job on my own. Everything is so difficult. There doesn't seem to be any peace anywhere. How do I make things ok again, Mom? Where do I even start?
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tangled Up
Dear Mamacita,
As usual, I don't know where to begin. I feel so tangled up inside. I miss you so much. It was exactly a year and a half ago today that the chains and bonds of your sick body were released, and you got to go to your Heavenly home. It was exactly a year and half ago today that I lost my beautiful mom, my best girlfriend, my kids' Nana, my confidant, the one person who would always love me unconditionally. One of my friends was correct when she said that when you died, I lost my identity, my place and grounding in this world. One of my biggest desires right now is to drive up to Duluth by myself, and sit on the rocks, all bundled up, leave my phone and laptop in the car, and just sit there until I figure out who I am again.
I am struggling Momma. My anxiety isn't under control. I'm doing the hard work of figuring out exactly where it's coming from and what's causing it, but it still hurts (both emotionally and physically) and still frightens me. I can hear you whispering to my heart mom. I know you'd say "Talk to me, Sweetheart." Well, I know it all goes back to trusting God again, and how, if I'm totally honest, somewhere in my heart of hearts, I know I don't. When you were sick I faithfully prayed for your healing. I prayed that God's plan would play out in our lives. I was told "No." by God, and our lives didn't play out the way I wanted them to. Then on the one year anniversary of your death, Dave's dad died. All the way to the hospital I prayed harder than I ever had in my whole life. I said every prayer I know and recited "Hail Mary" over and over again, but it was already too late. Again, I had been firmly told "No." by my Father. I guess I have a fear of praying for anything important anymore. I'm not sure I can take being told "No." again.
I know that I can't see God's plan for my life and why he allowed these things to happen to me. I also know that as a parent, I don't like telling my children no, but I do it for a reason, to teach them something, or protect them, or for some other reason that they can't understand. I don't say no to punish them, even if they see it that way. I know that that's probably what's going on between me and God.
Right before my birthday this year I was overcome by the guilt of wondering if I had prayed harder, or been more faithful, or read the Bible more, or went to church more to pray, if that would have changed God's plan for you. A very good friend of mine told me that praying isn't a competitive sport and that God sees our hearts and knows what's there. I told this friend of mine that I hated my birthday now. You and I are so tied together on this day, and I missed you so badly before that day. My friend told me that to hate my birthday would be a dishonor to you, because you would say this day was one of the best days of your life. I remember you telling me over the years that I was the light of your life, and on the last birthday card you gave me, you told me again how much you wanted me from the first moment you knew I was coming. Those words really comforted me that day. I grieved the loss of not having my mom here on this earth on my birthday, a few days before my birthday. Then the actual day was actually very good. I got a mani and pedi from our favorite "Sexy Ladies" and then an hour long massage. It felt good to take care of me. I know I need to do more of that.
I need to find quiet in my life. The class I have this year is extremely challenging, and I'm really stressed about them. I seem to always have a headache. Sam is doing well in school, but still struggles socially and at home. Max had some mysterious fevers this past summer, which I think re-triggered some of my PTSD over what happened to you. I couldn't fix you, I prayed as hard as I could but you still died. I couldn't control the outcome of what happened to you, I couldn't control what happened to Dave's dad, and I couldn't fix my little boy, whose fever was topping 105 degrees for 10 days. I feel like there isn't much I can control in my life. I feel uncomfortable and sick or hurting all the time. I'm going through a medication change and maybe I'll start seeing the benefits of that in a week or three, but until then it's really hard. Nothing feels "right" or normal. I even had an anxiety attack at school and had to go ride it out in the nurse's office until the meds kicked in. I know I'm trying to control things that aren't in my control, or even my right to control, but I don't know how to let go of it.
In some ways, I know I'm getting better. I went to a wedding last weekend (and btw, the bride looking amazingly stunning!) and I was able to tell funny and favorite stories about you without feeling the crushing pain of loss. I was actually able to laugh when I told the stories and it didn't hurt afterwards.
I need to find my way out of this labyrinth of fear, anxiety, pain and grief. It's all tangled together and difficult to sort out which is which, since they are connected. Please mom, pray or speak to Jesus for me and ask Him to help me through this. I need you, and I know I need Him. I wish I could meet you in my dreams, mom. Somewhere in the clouds, and just have a chat. I need one of our talks so badly. The hole in my life and heart your death brought seems unfixable. I need you Mamacita. Please let me feel your presence close to me. I need a sign that you're still around me, seeing the things that are happening in our lives.
All My Love,
Lucita
As usual, I don't know where to begin. I feel so tangled up inside. I miss you so much. It was exactly a year and a half ago today that the chains and bonds of your sick body were released, and you got to go to your Heavenly home. It was exactly a year and half ago today that I lost my beautiful mom, my best girlfriend, my kids' Nana, my confidant, the one person who would always love me unconditionally. One of my friends was correct when she said that when you died, I lost my identity, my place and grounding in this world. One of my biggest desires right now is to drive up to Duluth by myself, and sit on the rocks, all bundled up, leave my phone and laptop in the car, and just sit there until I figure out who I am again.
I am struggling Momma. My anxiety isn't under control. I'm doing the hard work of figuring out exactly where it's coming from and what's causing it, but it still hurts (both emotionally and physically) and still frightens me. I can hear you whispering to my heart mom. I know you'd say "Talk to me, Sweetheart." Well, I know it all goes back to trusting God again, and how, if I'm totally honest, somewhere in my heart of hearts, I know I don't. When you were sick I faithfully prayed for your healing. I prayed that God's plan would play out in our lives. I was told "No." by God, and our lives didn't play out the way I wanted them to. Then on the one year anniversary of your death, Dave's dad died. All the way to the hospital I prayed harder than I ever had in my whole life. I said every prayer I know and recited "Hail Mary" over and over again, but it was already too late. Again, I had been firmly told "No." by my Father. I guess I have a fear of praying for anything important anymore. I'm not sure I can take being told "No." again.
I know that I can't see God's plan for my life and why he allowed these things to happen to me. I also know that as a parent, I don't like telling my children no, but I do it for a reason, to teach them something, or protect them, or for some other reason that they can't understand. I don't say no to punish them, even if they see it that way. I know that that's probably what's going on between me and God.
Right before my birthday this year I was overcome by the guilt of wondering if I had prayed harder, or been more faithful, or read the Bible more, or went to church more to pray, if that would have changed God's plan for you. A very good friend of mine told me that praying isn't a competitive sport and that God sees our hearts and knows what's there. I told this friend of mine that I hated my birthday now. You and I are so tied together on this day, and I missed you so badly before that day. My friend told me that to hate my birthday would be a dishonor to you, because you would say this day was one of the best days of your life. I remember you telling me over the years that I was the light of your life, and on the last birthday card you gave me, you told me again how much you wanted me from the first moment you knew I was coming. Those words really comforted me that day. I grieved the loss of not having my mom here on this earth on my birthday, a few days before my birthday. Then the actual day was actually very good. I got a mani and pedi from our favorite "Sexy Ladies" and then an hour long massage. It felt good to take care of me. I know I need to do more of that.
I need to find quiet in my life. The class I have this year is extremely challenging, and I'm really stressed about them. I seem to always have a headache. Sam is doing well in school, but still struggles socially and at home. Max had some mysterious fevers this past summer, which I think re-triggered some of my PTSD over what happened to you. I couldn't fix you, I prayed as hard as I could but you still died. I couldn't control the outcome of what happened to you, I couldn't control what happened to Dave's dad, and I couldn't fix my little boy, whose fever was topping 105 degrees for 10 days. I feel like there isn't much I can control in my life. I feel uncomfortable and sick or hurting all the time. I'm going through a medication change and maybe I'll start seeing the benefits of that in a week or three, but until then it's really hard. Nothing feels "right" or normal. I even had an anxiety attack at school and had to go ride it out in the nurse's office until the meds kicked in. I know I'm trying to control things that aren't in my control, or even my right to control, but I don't know how to let go of it.
In some ways, I know I'm getting better. I went to a wedding last weekend (and btw, the bride looking amazingly stunning!) and I was able to tell funny and favorite stories about you without feeling the crushing pain of loss. I was actually able to laugh when I told the stories and it didn't hurt afterwards.
I need to find my way out of this labyrinth of fear, anxiety, pain and grief. It's all tangled together and difficult to sort out which is which, since they are connected. Please mom, pray or speak to Jesus for me and ask Him to help me through this. I need you, and I know I need Him. I wish I could meet you in my dreams, mom. Somewhere in the clouds, and just have a chat. I need one of our talks so badly. The hole in my life and heart your death brought seems unfixable. I need you Mamacita. Please let me feel your presence close to me. I need a sign that you're still around me, seeing the things that are happening in our lives.
All My Love,
Lucita
Friday, August 26, 2011
Dreams and Love
Dear Mamacita,
It's been months, since your birthday actually since I've written. I'm not even going to try to go back and catch you up on all the stuff that has happened since then. I just want to write to you about now.
We are leaving Wisconsin Dells today. Our week long vacation here has ended. It's been a mixed bag. Some high points, and of course many difficult points. We are all about to go through another life transition as we go back to school and work on Monday. Please be near us in the coming days and weeks.
It's been 16 months now since you've gone.. In some ways it's easier, the pain isn't as intense and all consuming as it was at first, but in some ways it's harder. When I think about all the conversations we haven't had over the last 16 months, of all the things I haven't been able to call you up and tell you, it just seems horrible, lonely, and impossible. We've gone through so much in the last four months. I miss you so much Mom. I feel so lonely at times. Dave is hurting so much and dealing with the loss of his dad, so we're just trying to keep things together.
I had another dream about you. Actually I've had two since I last wrote. In the first one, I saw you calling me on your cell phone, and we had a bad connection but I could see and hear you saying loudly into the phone "Erika, Erika, I love you.. I love you". I got the message Mom. Then a few nights ago I dreamt that I was in the hospital visiting you again. I saw you in the hospital bed, you had all your hair and looked like your old self, not the one ravaged by chemo and cancer. You held out your arms to me, and I hugged you and we held onto each other until I woke up. We didn't talk, we didn't need to. You knew what I needed.. just to feel your arms around me again and soak in your love. God, I miss those hugs mom.
Max is 4 now. I can tell he's at a new emotional intelligence level, because he's been asking new questions about you, and asking for you. He's been saying things like "Where's my Nana?" "It's been sooo long, mama, since I got a snuggle from Nana!" He's also been dreaming about you. I know because sometimes when I get him up in the morning, he starts talking about you right away, asking for you, asking questions, etc. And one night when it was just Max and I at home, he was sitting at the table finishing his dinner while I loaded the dishwasher, and out of nowhere he says "My Nana loves me!" It took my breath away, and I knew in my heart you were near and had whispered that in his ear. I got the message mom. I've also realized that the messages and love you send my kids in their dreams and even while they are awake are messages to me as well. I'm not as easily accessible so you go through the boys, who are. It's taking me a while, momma, but I'm learning...
I love you so very much mom. Every day I wish you were still here. I miss having your constant love and support and strength. A very good friend reminded me when I was having a very sad moment, that everything I need from you, you gave me before you left. I play those words over and over in my mind. You were the strongest woman I have ever known, and you used to tell me how strong you thought I was. I never really believed it. I'm not sure I do now, but I'm trying to have faith and remember that I am your daughter, and I learned love, strength, and persistence from you. I try to honor you mom with the way I go on everyday, when it would be easier not to. There are still times I want to give up and lock myself away and cry until all the pain goes away. But I will keep moving forward. It's what you would expect of me and want for me.
I love you and miss you more than ever Mamacita. I need to go to start packing. I will write again soon. Please come visit me either in my dreams or ur babies. BTW, Monster Max is still as sassy and naughty as ever! I'm sure you've seen, but he's still my cuddle muffin! :) And your Sam Sam loves and misses you so much too.
Love and Hugs,
Erika
It's been months, since your birthday actually since I've written. I'm not even going to try to go back and catch you up on all the stuff that has happened since then. I just want to write to you about now.
We are leaving Wisconsin Dells today. Our week long vacation here has ended. It's been a mixed bag. Some high points, and of course many difficult points. We are all about to go through another life transition as we go back to school and work on Monday. Please be near us in the coming days and weeks.
It's been 16 months now since you've gone.. In some ways it's easier, the pain isn't as intense and all consuming as it was at first, but in some ways it's harder. When I think about all the conversations we haven't had over the last 16 months, of all the things I haven't been able to call you up and tell you, it just seems horrible, lonely, and impossible. We've gone through so much in the last four months. I miss you so much Mom. I feel so lonely at times. Dave is hurting so much and dealing with the loss of his dad, so we're just trying to keep things together.
I had another dream about you. Actually I've had two since I last wrote. In the first one, I saw you calling me on your cell phone, and we had a bad connection but I could see and hear you saying loudly into the phone "Erika, Erika, I love you.. I love you". I got the message Mom. Then a few nights ago I dreamt that I was in the hospital visiting you again. I saw you in the hospital bed, you had all your hair and looked like your old self, not the one ravaged by chemo and cancer. You held out your arms to me, and I hugged you and we held onto each other until I woke up. We didn't talk, we didn't need to. You knew what I needed.. just to feel your arms around me again and soak in your love. God, I miss those hugs mom.
Max is 4 now. I can tell he's at a new emotional intelligence level, because he's been asking new questions about you, and asking for you. He's been saying things like "Where's my Nana?" "It's been sooo long, mama, since I got a snuggle from Nana!" He's also been dreaming about you. I know because sometimes when I get him up in the morning, he starts talking about you right away, asking for you, asking questions, etc. And one night when it was just Max and I at home, he was sitting at the table finishing his dinner while I loaded the dishwasher, and out of nowhere he says "My Nana loves me!" It took my breath away, and I knew in my heart you were near and had whispered that in his ear. I got the message mom. I've also realized that the messages and love you send my kids in their dreams and even while they are awake are messages to me as well. I'm not as easily accessible so you go through the boys, who are. It's taking me a while, momma, but I'm learning...
I love you so very much mom. Every day I wish you were still here. I miss having your constant love and support and strength. A very good friend reminded me when I was having a very sad moment, that everything I need from you, you gave me before you left. I play those words over and over in my mind. You were the strongest woman I have ever known, and you used to tell me how strong you thought I was. I never really believed it. I'm not sure I do now, but I'm trying to have faith and remember that I am your daughter, and I learned love, strength, and persistence from you. I try to honor you mom with the way I go on everyday, when it would be easier not to. There are still times I want to give up and lock myself away and cry until all the pain goes away. But I will keep moving forward. It's what you would expect of me and want for me.
I love you and miss you more than ever Mamacita. I need to go to start packing. I will write again soon. Please come visit me either in my dreams or ur babies. BTW, Monster Max is still as sassy and naughty as ever! I'm sure you've seen, but he's still my cuddle muffin! :) And your Sam Sam loves and misses you so much too.
Love and Hugs,
Erika
Friday, April 8, 2011
I Will Remember
You truly are the most beautiful, amazing, loving woman I have ever known. I miss you so much today mom! I love this picture of you! This is how I want to remember you today.. with a giddy, slap-happy smile, and glass of red wine! To honor your special day, Dave and I have a couple of things planned!
I took a half day off from work, and went to Byerly's and bought a beautiful birthday cake for you, and Dave got a bottle of Ulupalakua Red. I'll never forget the first time we drank a bottle of that Hawaiian wine together! It was when Dave and I were living in the condo in Plymouth, before we had kids, and you came over for the weekend. We grilled and ate dinner on the huge deck we had and shared this bottle of wine that we had brought back from Maui on our honeymoon! I remember the laughing, the silliness we shared, and how the whole bottle of wine was gone far too soon! It was one of many perfect evenings we've had together. We've shared many bottles since then, and I really wish you were here today to share this one with us.
We are going to take the kids to Guadalajara tonight for dinner. I asked Sam this morning what he thought we should do to celebrate your birthday, and he said "We should go to that Mexican restaurant, because Nana loved the pretty painted birds they have there!" I totally agree. And you did love the Mexican artwork there. So we're going to go there for dinner, then come home and have cake with the boys. We are going to put four birthday candles in it, and each of us is going to take a turn sending you a wish/love message and then blow out one candle. And after the boys go to bed, Dave and I will share the bottle of Red.
I'm trying not to go down the really sad road right now. I know at some point today/tonight that will be inevitable, though. This past weekend Dave and I went down to Stillwater and we were in a Chef store and I saw some dishes that took my breath away. They had butterflies and dragonflies on them. They were exactly your style, and all I could think was that if you were here, I would have bought them instantly for your birthday. It was so hard to walk out of there without buying one of the dishes. Dave asked me if I wanted to get one, and I realized that it wasn't the plate I wanted, it was just you. The dishes were your style, not mine, and I just needed a piece of you with me. So there I stood, tears in my eyes, not wanting to leave the store without you, and not wanting to stay there, where the pain was.
I won't ever forget, mom. I will remember your soothing, gentle voice. I will remember your hugs... and how I would make you laugh and feel uncomfortable when I had invaded your personal space for far too long by hugging you for an inappropriate length of time, according to you, that is! :) I will remember your radiant smiles when you would walk up the steps into my home, and you'd see your babies again. I will remember the feeling of an hour long phone call with you. I will remember your giggles when you were over-tired and everything was way funnier! I will remember the way you loved my boys like they were your own. I will remember how we used to text each other all the time. I will remember how on your last birthday, when we knew you were going to die, I should have been comforting you, but you were comforting and reassuring me. I will always remember standing in Target in the card section, trying to pick out what I knew would be the very last birthday card I would ever give you. With tears flowing down my cheeks, I called Dave and asked him how I could possibly pick one out, one that would say everything I needed it to say for the very last time. And with his sweet wisdom, he said it didn't matter which one I picked out because you already knew what I wanted to say to you. So I picked out two of them, and cried the entire way to the hospital as I wrote my final words of birthday love to you. I will remember your beautiful eyes and how they could look into my heart and know what was there. I will remember the warmth of your arms as you held me one year ago today while I cried, and said I didn't think I could do this without you. I will remember your strength as you rocked me and said "You'll be ok, baby.. You'll be ok."
I will remember your love.
With all of mine,
Erika
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Reflections
Dear Mamacita,
It's been so long since I've written you a letter. I tried a few weeks ago, and when I went to publish it, it disappeared, and I didn't have the heart to re-write the pain and loneliness I had just poured out. So here I am again, a few weeks later. I miss you so incredibly badly right now mom. The last few weeks have been very difficult. Where to start? The stress has just been so consuming. I'll pour it all out to you and try to let you make sense of it all. I miss how I would call you when I was stressed and sad and tell you all the hurts on my heart and your words were like a soothing balm on my hearting heart. Even if you couldn't fix the problem, you made me feel like I wasn't alone, and that we would both handle the challenges and hurts this life has to offer.
Sam and Max have been constantly sick. Ear infections, strep, head colds, etc. Doctor visits, nebs, and medications have become the norm around here. I've just finished parent/teacher conferences. There's a lot of stress at school, and my dad has been in the hospital and going through a lot too. Working the long days and not getting enough sleep are taking its toll. I actually just went to the doctor myself yesterday because for the last few days I've been experiencing some disconcerting chest pain and irregular heartbeat. I didn't know if it was caused from the meds I'm taking, anxiety, stress, or something else more serious. The doctor said my EKG was normal, and that my symptoms are a result of too much stress. He told me to find ways to decrease my stress. I laughed at him, mom! I said "Easier said than done". I have two little kids, I'm a teacher, there's lots of stress at school, at home, and I've lost you this year.
I can hear you whispering to my heart "How are you, Sweetie?" Well mom, it's a mixed bag. The new meds are definitely making me feel better, and I went to a DKM concert a couple of weeks ago, and I had the most fun I've had in, well for as long as I can remember. I was with some of my very favorite people and I had a few drinks, ok a lot of drinks, and the concert was awesome! It was the first time I had felt exuberance, and truly happy and carefree in a couple of years. I wasn't thinking about broken hearts, sick kids, students, bills, responsibilities, or anything else that weighs on my heart and mind. I was just free to enjoy being out and being a girl! :)
Earlier this week when it was over 50 degrees I noticed some signs of spring. It was so warm, it got me wondering if the plants in front of our house had started to spring up yet. I pulled off the dead stuff from last year, and there hiding beneath it was the little green buds, pushing through the rocks! Then I looked closely at our maple trees and I saw the buds. I wanted to call you so badly right then. I knew how excited you would have been! It's been such a long, difficult winter. I see signs of spring and rebirth all over. Your tree in our back yard is finally unburied and the mound of wood chips is visible. I got into my car after school and it was hot inside! It felt so good to fee the sun soaking into my skin that day on the drive home. I miss the warmth! I remember how you would rejoice at the first sighting of a robin in your yard! There are all these signs of hope and a change of season. My hope is that God will help change the season in my life. The winter I've been living in for the last year has changed me in so many ways. Some things I don't even recognize about myself.
And to add one more stress to my plate, I got a phone call from the Pine County Sheriff asking me for Dayton's cell phone number. The house alarm was going off in the background and he said that someone had broken into your house. He said they kicked in the door and got in. It's not a big mystery to figure out who could have been involved in the break-in. I haven't been able to call Dayton yet, even though I know I should. I just can't take the stress of dealing with Adam. You knew it was going to be hard for me to keep picking up the pieces after you left. I remember you apologizing that you were leaving me to deal with Adam alone. I can't do it mom. My brain knows that I'm not responsible for his choices and his actions, but that doesn't help me feel less embarrassed and angry over his actions. He has to know that I'm hurting, and yet he doesn't care mom. He hasn't once called me, or attempted to talk to me since before you died. It feels like it's just one more person who has left me alone.
I can hear you whispering "What else baby?" Ok, here it is mom. I'm scared. I've been doing better, but now I'm approaching spring break, when we found out that your cancer was back and it was the end of the line for you. Also, your birthday is coming up. I just don't know how God can ask me to live through the worst time of my entire life all over again. I think that this is what has been hurting my chest lately. Fear. Can I really face the memories of losing you all over again? How do I do that momma? I almost lost myself the first time around. When we were at Lake Vermillion together, long before any of this had started to play out, I asked you "How am I ever gonna live without you someday?" And you said "We're gonna figure that out." We never got around to figuring that out mom, and now here I am, still not knowing how to live my life fully without you in it. All of the one year anniversaries are upon me... the day I was told your cancer was back and there was no hope, your decision to go back home for hospice care, the hospice in-take meeting, spending what would the last weekend ever with you, watching you hug my son goodbye for the last time, our last "I love you", our last embrace, our last lucid conversation, our last eye contact.
The list of "lasts" stretches on. I have to live through your final hours again, and what it was like to lay my head on your chest, crying, telling you that it was ok for you to go, that I would eventually be ok. I have to replay your last breath, and sitting with you in that room until the sun came up, holding your lifeless hand, feeling how quickly your forehead and hands got cold. Remembering the horror of the funeral home taking your body out of the house. How I had already lost you spiritually and them taking your body away, made me lose you physically as well. Mom, when you died, part of me died too. I know I will never get back that part of my heart. I know people can survive with a broken heart, with a piece of themselves missing, so I guess that's what I do. You were my connection to my past and knew me like no one else ever can.
Also, I know I'm going to have to talk to Dayton soon about your headstone. I'm so fearful of that conversation. I need this to be finished. Maybe he will surprise us and be agreeable to everything, but that hasn't proven to be the case in the past. He has a plan, but we aren't always privy to that information. I pray that it will go well and we can get it ordered and placed as soon as possible. You deserve it mom.
Over the past eleven months I've been slowly gluing my shattered heart back together. I've been working hard on it mom. I know I honor you by living, by loving your babies, by taking care of myself. And that's why I go on. That's why I get the counseling and meds that I need. It would all be so much easier to give up, but that's not what you and I do. We've been through so much together. I only wish I didn't have to go through this pain without you. Nothing in my life could have ever prepared me for a grief and loss like this.
I know that you are happy, healthy, and beautiful wherever you are right now. And that you are excited for me to join you there. I look forward to that more than I can say mom. I would give anything for one more conversation with you, one more hug, one more time of hearing your real voice tell me that you love me and haven't left me, even though I can't see you.
I'll write again soon mama. I'm going to try to get outside today and go for a walk. I'll be looking for you. You told me once "Any time you see something beautiful, I am there.."
Love and Tears,
Me
It's been so long since I've written you a letter. I tried a few weeks ago, and when I went to publish it, it disappeared, and I didn't have the heart to re-write the pain and loneliness I had just poured out. So here I am again, a few weeks later. I miss you so incredibly badly right now mom. The last few weeks have been very difficult. Where to start? The stress has just been so consuming. I'll pour it all out to you and try to let you make sense of it all. I miss how I would call you when I was stressed and sad and tell you all the hurts on my heart and your words were like a soothing balm on my hearting heart. Even if you couldn't fix the problem, you made me feel like I wasn't alone, and that we would both handle the challenges and hurts this life has to offer.
Sam and Max have been constantly sick. Ear infections, strep, head colds, etc. Doctor visits, nebs, and medications have become the norm around here. I've just finished parent/teacher conferences. There's a lot of stress at school, and my dad has been in the hospital and going through a lot too. Working the long days and not getting enough sleep are taking its toll. I actually just went to the doctor myself yesterday because for the last few days I've been experiencing some disconcerting chest pain and irregular heartbeat. I didn't know if it was caused from the meds I'm taking, anxiety, stress, or something else more serious. The doctor said my EKG was normal, and that my symptoms are a result of too much stress. He told me to find ways to decrease my stress. I laughed at him, mom! I said "Easier said than done". I have two little kids, I'm a teacher, there's lots of stress at school, at home, and I've lost you this year.
I can hear you whispering to my heart "How are you, Sweetie?" Well mom, it's a mixed bag. The new meds are definitely making me feel better, and I went to a DKM concert a couple of weeks ago, and I had the most fun I've had in, well for as long as I can remember. I was with some of my very favorite people and I had a few drinks, ok a lot of drinks, and the concert was awesome! It was the first time I had felt exuberance, and truly happy and carefree in a couple of years. I wasn't thinking about broken hearts, sick kids, students, bills, responsibilities, or anything else that weighs on my heart and mind. I was just free to enjoy being out and being a girl! :)
Earlier this week when it was over 50 degrees I noticed some signs of spring. It was so warm, it got me wondering if the plants in front of our house had started to spring up yet. I pulled off the dead stuff from last year, and there hiding beneath it was the little green buds, pushing through the rocks! Then I looked closely at our maple trees and I saw the buds. I wanted to call you so badly right then. I knew how excited you would have been! It's been such a long, difficult winter. I see signs of spring and rebirth all over. Your tree in our back yard is finally unburied and the mound of wood chips is visible. I got into my car after school and it was hot inside! It felt so good to fee the sun soaking into my skin that day on the drive home. I miss the warmth! I remember how you would rejoice at the first sighting of a robin in your yard! There are all these signs of hope and a change of season. My hope is that God will help change the season in my life. The winter I've been living in for the last year has changed me in so many ways. Some things I don't even recognize about myself.
And to add one more stress to my plate, I got a phone call from the Pine County Sheriff asking me for Dayton's cell phone number. The house alarm was going off in the background and he said that someone had broken into your house. He said they kicked in the door and got in. It's not a big mystery to figure out who could have been involved in the break-in. I haven't been able to call Dayton yet, even though I know I should. I just can't take the stress of dealing with Adam. You knew it was going to be hard for me to keep picking up the pieces after you left. I remember you apologizing that you were leaving me to deal with Adam alone. I can't do it mom. My brain knows that I'm not responsible for his choices and his actions, but that doesn't help me feel less embarrassed and angry over his actions. He has to know that I'm hurting, and yet he doesn't care mom. He hasn't once called me, or attempted to talk to me since before you died. It feels like it's just one more person who has left me alone.
I can hear you whispering "What else baby?" Ok, here it is mom. I'm scared. I've been doing better, but now I'm approaching spring break, when we found out that your cancer was back and it was the end of the line for you. Also, your birthday is coming up. I just don't know how God can ask me to live through the worst time of my entire life all over again. I think that this is what has been hurting my chest lately. Fear. Can I really face the memories of losing you all over again? How do I do that momma? I almost lost myself the first time around. When we were at Lake Vermillion together, long before any of this had started to play out, I asked you "How am I ever gonna live without you someday?" And you said "We're gonna figure that out." We never got around to figuring that out mom, and now here I am, still not knowing how to live my life fully without you in it. All of the one year anniversaries are upon me... the day I was told your cancer was back and there was no hope, your decision to go back home for hospice care, the hospice in-take meeting, spending what would the last weekend ever with you, watching you hug my son goodbye for the last time, our last "I love you", our last embrace, our last lucid conversation, our last eye contact.
The list of "lasts" stretches on. I have to live through your final hours again, and what it was like to lay my head on your chest, crying, telling you that it was ok for you to go, that I would eventually be ok. I have to replay your last breath, and sitting with you in that room until the sun came up, holding your lifeless hand, feeling how quickly your forehead and hands got cold. Remembering the horror of the funeral home taking your body out of the house. How I had already lost you spiritually and them taking your body away, made me lose you physically as well. Mom, when you died, part of me died too. I know I will never get back that part of my heart. I know people can survive with a broken heart, with a piece of themselves missing, so I guess that's what I do. You were my connection to my past and knew me like no one else ever can.
Also, I know I'm going to have to talk to Dayton soon about your headstone. I'm so fearful of that conversation. I need this to be finished. Maybe he will surprise us and be agreeable to everything, but that hasn't proven to be the case in the past. He has a plan, but we aren't always privy to that information. I pray that it will go well and we can get it ordered and placed as soon as possible. You deserve it mom.
Over the past eleven months I've been slowly gluing my shattered heart back together. I've been working hard on it mom. I know I honor you by living, by loving your babies, by taking care of myself. And that's why I go on. That's why I get the counseling and meds that I need. It would all be so much easier to give up, but that's not what you and I do. We've been through so much together. I only wish I didn't have to go through this pain without you. Nothing in my life could have ever prepared me for a grief and loss like this.
I know that you are happy, healthy, and beautiful wherever you are right now. And that you are excited for me to join you there. I look forward to that more than I can say mom. I would give anything for one more conversation with you, one more hug, one more time of hearing your real voice tell me that you love me and haven't left me, even though I can't see you.
I'll write again soon mama. I'm going to try to get outside today and go for a walk. I'll be looking for you. You told me once "Any time you see something beautiful, I am there.."
Love and Tears,
Me
Monday, January 31, 2011
Waiting for Sunrise
Dear Mamacita,
It's been a long time since I've written. So much has happened I'm not sure where to begin. We can start with the Monster Max update. Right at Christmas time he decided to be Spiderman at daycare and jumped off the couch. Shari said he cried but within an acceptable amount of time he wanted to play again. He could turn his arm and move his wrist, there wasn't any swelling or bruising. He never complained about it unless he tripped and fell and broke his fall with his hands. Well a week later when he fell again he didn't want to play anymore and just wanted to cuddle. We decided to take him in to the doctor. I figured it was just sprained and that he kept aggravating it each time he fell. Well mom, turns out he actually broke his distal radius. Yeah, I know, I get mom of the year award there for waiting to take him in for so long! *sigh* Anyways, we ended up at Gillette's Children's hospital orthopaedic unit for a full arm cast. Once we told him it was his "armor" he was super excited about it! He got to pick out the color too! A nice "construction worker orange"! Everyone signed it and we even got to keep it after they cut it off.
He also has been super stubborn with the whole potty training thing, as you can imagine! We were trying to force the issue, and he just wasn't buying, so we decided to just go back to diapers for a few weeks and try again later. Then, on his terms of course, he decided he could tell Daddy when he needed to go potty! He's been doing great! I'd say he's about 85% potty trained now! He's also sleeping in a big boy twin size bed now. Time really does go by quickly.
Your sweet Sam Sam is doing ok. He's been struggling in some ways. I've seen more sadness in him lately. He's been more clingy and more prone to tears and tantrums recently. I know he's missing you lots mom. School social situations are becoming more difficult for him. Please be with him and help him in any little ways you can. He's at an age where he's becoming more aware that he's not exactly like everyone else. And other kids are starting to notice too. He's so sensitive and emotional, that many social situations are very difficult for him. My heart breaks for him so often, and yet I couldn't be more proud of him than I am right now. He is the most courageous little boy I have ever known. Everyday of his life is a challenge and demands all of his coping skills and emotional reserve. He faces each day with more positivity than I have. Tomorrow Sam and I are staying home because he has an orthotics appointment to get fitted for a "toe-off AFO". We are hoping that it will help him run and train his feet to position correctly. He's a little sad and apprehensive about it, but I think it's all going to be ok. It was difficult for us to come to the decision to go ahead with the orthotics because I didn't want him to feel more different from his peers than he already does, but maybe it won't be a big deal at all. I'm trying to think of it as just a tool to help him in the long term. I know you would want us to do whatever we can for him now so that he has a better future. It's hard being a mommy. There are so many things to think about and worry about.
I can hear you saying "Now what about you, Sweetie? How are you doing with everything?" Ok I guess. Well, the truth is if you were here, I'd just want to lay my head down on your lap and cry. Sometimes feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. You're the one I need to talk with and work it all out with. I can't believe it's been more than 9 months since I've talked to you in this life. That doesn't seem possible. I'm scared mom. What if I forget something about you that I don't want to forget? Time has taken the cutting edge off the pain. I don't struggle with the chest pain and feeling like I can't breathe all day long anymore. There are days when I'll be getting ready for bed and realize that my chest hasn't hurt all day long. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I know I couldn't go on forever at that painful level of grieving, but in some ways it feels wrong to be moving past some of the awfulness. Sometimes I still wonder if other people can see my broken heart as I walk down the hall, or if my smiling face can fool them into believing what I know I need to portray. I want to be happy, but I don't want to forget how or why the last year and a half of my life has changed me forever.
I've been able to talk about happy memories or say what I think you would have said or done in funny situations now. That doesn't hurt like it used to. There are still days when your absence seems unbearable and that the hole in my life seems completely, hopelessly unfixable. I long to hear your laugh again, to hear your happy voice when you answer my phone call, to get a love text message from you, to feel your soft hands on my face when you would greet me after a long absence. What if I forget mom? What if all the little stuff goes away? What does that say of me? What does that mean about our relationship? I still haven't had any "real" dreams of you. I want so badly to have a dream where you're actually talking to me, giving me some kind of message that you're ok, or that I'm going to be ok, or some kind of acknowledgement that you see me, and you know how bad I'm missing you and needing you. When will you come see me mom? I look out my window at your tree and long for spring to come. I need to see the season of winter change into spring. Maybe my season of grief will change as well. Maybe the seed of hope that God has planted in my heart will begin to blossom with the spring leaves.
On the morning that you died at 3:35 a.m. I remember thinking "I just need the sun to come up" over and over in my head. I needed to see that God would keep his promise and make the sun rise and chase away the darkness. That's where I'm at right now in my grief journey. It's been so dark for so long, I need the sun to rise in my life again. I know it's getting closer to sunrise. I'll just keep breathing, just keep waiting, and just keep trusting that God will get me through this too.
I love you mamacita, your absence is obvious every moment of my life.
Love,
Me
It's been a long time since I've written. So much has happened I'm not sure where to begin. We can start with the Monster Max update. Right at Christmas time he decided to be Spiderman at daycare and jumped off the couch. Shari said he cried but within an acceptable amount of time he wanted to play again. He could turn his arm and move his wrist, there wasn't any swelling or bruising. He never complained about it unless he tripped and fell and broke his fall with his hands. Well a week later when he fell again he didn't want to play anymore and just wanted to cuddle. We decided to take him in to the doctor. I figured it was just sprained and that he kept aggravating it each time he fell. Well mom, turns out he actually broke his distal radius. Yeah, I know, I get mom of the year award there for waiting to take him in for so long! *sigh* Anyways, we ended up at Gillette's Children's hospital orthopaedic unit for a full arm cast. Once we told him it was his "armor" he was super excited about it! He got to pick out the color too! A nice "construction worker orange"! Everyone signed it and we even got to keep it after they cut it off.
He also has been super stubborn with the whole potty training thing, as you can imagine! We were trying to force the issue, and he just wasn't buying, so we decided to just go back to diapers for a few weeks and try again later. Then, on his terms of course, he decided he could tell Daddy when he needed to go potty! He's been doing great! I'd say he's about 85% potty trained now! He's also sleeping in a big boy twin size bed now. Time really does go by quickly.
Your sweet Sam Sam is doing ok. He's been struggling in some ways. I've seen more sadness in him lately. He's been more clingy and more prone to tears and tantrums recently. I know he's missing you lots mom. School social situations are becoming more difficult for him. Please be with him and help him in any little ways you can. He's at an age where he's becoming more aware that he's not exactly like everyone else. And other kids are starting to notice too. He's so sensitive and emotional, that many social situations are very difficult for him. My heart breaks for him so often, and yet I couldn't be more proud of him than I am right now. He is the most courageous little boy I have ever known. Everyday of his life is a challenge and demands all of his coping skills and emotional reserve. He faces each day with more positivity than I have. Tomorrow Sam and I are staying home because he has an orthotics appointment to get fitted for a "toe-off AFO". We are hoping that it will help him run and train his feet to position correctly. He's a little sad and apprehensive about it, but I think it's all going to be ok. It was difficult for us to come to the decision to go ahead with the orthotics because I didn't want him to feel more different from his peers than he already does, but maybe it won't be a big deal at all. I'm trying to think of it as just a tool to help him in the long term. I know you would want us to do whatever we can for him now so that he has a better future. It's hard being a mommy. There are so many things to think about and worry about.
I can hear you saying "Now what about you, Sweetie? How are you doing with everything?" Ok I guess. Well, the truth is if you were here, I'd just want to lay my head down on your lap and cry. Sometimes feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. You're the one I need to talk with and work it all out with. I can't believe it's been more than 9 months since I've talked to you in this life. That doesn't seem possible. I'm scared mom. What if I forget something about you that I don't want to forget? Time has taken the cutting edge off the pain. I don't struggle with the chest pain and feeling like I can't breathe all day long anymore. There are days when I'll be getting ready for bed and realize that my chest hasn't hurt all day long. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I know I couldn't go on forever at that painful level of grieving, but in some ways it feels wrong to be moving past some of the awfulness. Sometimes I still wonder if other people can see my broken heart as I walk down the hall, or if my smiling face can fool them into believing what I know I need to portray. I want to be happy, but I don't want to forget how or why the last year and a half of my life has changed me forever.
I've been able to talk about happy memories or say what I think you would have said or done in funny situations now. That doesn't hurt like it used to. There are still days when your absence seems unbearable and that the hole in my life seems completely, hopelessly unfixable. I long to hear your laugh again, to hear your happy voice when you answer my phone call, to get a love text message from you, to feel your soft hands on my face when you would greet me after a long absence. What if I forget mom? What if all the little stuff goes away? What does that say of me? What does that mean about our relationship? I still haven't had any "real" dreams of you. I want so badly to have a dream where you're actually talking to me, giving me some kind of message that you're ok, or that I'm going to be ok, or some kind of acknowledgement that you see me, and you know how bad I'm missing you and needing you. When will you come see me mom? I look out my window at your tree and long for spring to come. I need to see the season of winter change into spring. Maybe my season of grief will change as well. Maybe the seed of hope that God has planted in my heart will begin to blossom with the spring leaves.
On the morning that you died at 3:35 a.m. I remember thinking "I just need the sun to come up" over and over in my head. I needed to see that God would keep his promise and make the sun rise and chase away the darkness. That's where I'm at right now in my grief journey. It's been so dark for so long, I need the sun to rise in my life again. I know it's getting closer to sunrise. I'll just keep breathing, just keep waiting, and just keep trusting that God will get me through this too.
I love you mamacita, your absence is obvious every moment of my life.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Difficult Decisions
Dear Mamacita,
We had a very nice Christmas Eve with Dayton! He went to such effort to make it a special day for us. The house was so clean, he had worked so hard, and it was decorated! He put up a small Christmas tree and decorated it, and also put stockings up for the kids and the kitties! He really, really tried mom! I think because he was so thoughtful, so gentle, grateful and happy we were there with him, it made it a day I won't forget. I was so afraid that it would just be horrible to be there without you, but it wasn't. As we left that evening I could hear your voice in my head saying "See, I told you everything would be ok!"
Before we went out to your house we stopped at your grave site and I brought you your favorite Ritz peanut butter chocolate covered cookies. I tromped through knee high snow, and am so glad that we had that cross put there! It was still standing perfectly straight and still looked like new. I rubbed your name and set the cookies on top of the snow for you. I know the birds will eat them, but I think you'd like to see them visiting you and getting a tasty winter snack. More likely, the damn squirrels will get them, but that's funny too! I started crying while I was standing there next to you. I think just knowing your body is that close to me, but still so far away, pushes the loneliness to the forefront of my mind and heart. I still can't help thinking how cold you must be. The need to give you a blanket still hasn't gone away.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of your bone marrow transplant. I will never forget how hopeful we were, and how lucky we were. I know so many people don't ever get a match, don't ever get even a chance at getting better. I will never forget what Gerald did mom. I know a little of the physical hell he went through to give us all this hope. I remember he said it felt like every bone in his body was in pain. He never takes an Advil or Tylenol, but he was readily accepting morphine for the pain. That tells me how bad it really was. But he never once complained or had second thoughts. Every time I saw him he had a smile on his face. I know he'd do it again if given the chance. I know anyone in our family would have done it. Just as I would give anything I have to help one of them. Thank you doesn't seem enough to give Uncle Gerald, mom. I just hope he doesn't feel like it was all for nothing. Hope is a precious thing, and his gift reminded me of all the good that is in human hearts, and how much he really does love you and us all. I pray for God to bless him every day mom. He deserves it.
I really needed to talk to you yesterday. I needed someone a little more removed from the situation than me and Dave, and yet someone who still had a vested interest in Sam's well-being. I don't want to go into too much detail here mom, but we are trying to make a difficult decision for Sam that will make his life much harder now, but may improve his quality of life in the future. We are feeling guilty for not doing something about it earlier, for letting it go. But at the time, his other needs were more important, and this seemed secondary. I don't know mom. Someone I trust reminded me that I'm not his P.T., I'm not his O.T., I'm not his teacher. What he needs from me is a mom's love and to get him the resources he needs. I know this is true but it's still hard to accept. My heart is breaking for him. He already feel different than his peers, and if we make this decision he will feel even more different than them. Please help guide us to the right decision.
I miss you mamacita. I miss your gentleness, the way you always had the right words to soothe my heart. I need those words now. I need to be your little girl for just a little while.. let me be 5 years old and lay my head on your lap and let you stroke my hair and whisper all the things I need to hear from you. If I close my eyes I can put myself back on your hospital bed, the day of your birthday, when you held me like that as I cried, and you whispered over and over "You'll be ok, baby, you'll be ok.." I knew it wasn't true then, and it's not true now, but maybe someday it will be. Just don't let go of my hand mom. I need you.
Love and Difficult Decisions,
Erika
We had a very nice Christmas Eve with Dayton! He went to such effort to make it a special day for us. The house was so clean, he had worked so hard, and it was decorated! He put up a small Christmas tree and decorated it, and also put stockings up for the kids and the kitties! He really, really tried mom! I think because he was so thoughtful, so gentle, grateful and happy we were there with him, it made it a day I won't forget. I was so afraid that it would just be horrible to be there without you, but it wasn't. As we left that evening I could hear your voice in my head saying "See, I told you everything would be ok!"
Before we went out to your house we stopped at your grave site and I brought you your favorite Ritz peanut butter chocolate covered cookies. I tromped through knee high snow, and am so glad that we had that cross put there! It was still standing perfectly straight and still looked like new. I rubbed your name and set the cookies on top of the snow for you. I know the birds will eat them, but I think you'd like to see them visiting you and getting a tasty winter snack. More likely, the damn squirrels will get them, but that's funny too! I started crying while I was standing there next to you. I think just knowing your body is that close to me, but still so far away, pushes the loneliness to the forefront of my mind and heart. I still can't help thinking how cold you must be. The need to give you a blanket still hasn't gone away.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of your bone marrow transplant. I will never forget how hopeful we were, and how lucky we were. I know so many people don't ever get a match, don't ever get even a chance at getting better. I will never forget what Gerald did mom. I know a little of the physical hell he went through to give us all this hope. I remember he said it felt like every bone in his body was in pain. He never takes an Advil or Tylenol, but he was readily accepting morphine for the pain. That tells me how bad it really was. But he never once complained or had second thoughts. Every time I saw him he had a smile on his face. I know he'd do it again if given the chance. I know anyone in our family would have done it. Just as I would give anything I have to help one of them. Thank you doesn't seem enough to give Uncle Gerald, mom. I just hope he doesn't feel like it was all for nothing. Hope is a precious thing, and his gift reminded me of all the good that is in human hearts, and how much he really does love you and us all. I pray for God to bless him every day mom. He deserves it.
I really needed to talk to you yesterday. I needed someone a little more removed from the situation than me and Dave, and yet someone who still had a vested interest in Sam's well-being. I don't want to go into too much detail here mom, but we are trying to make a difficult decision for Sam that will make his life much harder now, but may improve his quality of life in the future. We are feeling guilty for not doing something about it earlier, for letting it go. But at the time, his other needs were more important, and this seemed secondary. I don't know mom. Someone I trust reminded me that I'm not his P.T., I'm not his O.T., I'm not his teacher. What he needs from me is a mom's love and to get him the resources he needs. I know this is true but it's still hard to accept. My heart is breaking for him. He already feel different than his peers, and if we make this decision he will feel even more different than them. Please help guide us to the right decision.
I miss you mamacita. I miss your gentleness, the way you always had the right words to soothe my heart. I need those words now. I need to be your little girl for just a little while.. let me be 5 years old and lay my head on your lap and let you stroke my hair and whisper all the things I need to hear from you. If I close my eyes I can put myself back on your hospital bed, the day of your birthday, when you held me like that as I cried, and you whispered over and over "You'll be ok, baby, you'll be ok.." I knew it wasn't true then, and it's not true now, but maybe someday it will be. Just don't let go of my hand mom. I need you.
Love and Difficult Decisions,
Erika
Friday, December 24, 2010
Eggs, Cookies and Ribbons
Dear Mamacita,
Oh mom! I've tried to write so many times, but the words just wouldn't come. I'm feeling so conflicted about so many things. There's been some good things that have happened though, that have made me feel you and God. On Wednesday I was alone in our house wrapping presents for Dave and I saw the beautiful fabric ribbon lying there on the table and I said aloud "Ok mom, I'll give it a try!" You always tied beautiful fabric bows on our presents! No one ever wanted to cut them off or throw them away. You always scoffed at our gushings about how amazing they looked. I think I loved the gifts from you because of the time you took in making them look so beautiful. I know you were thinking of me and putting all your love into each wrapping. So I worked and worked to tie something worthy on Dave's gift, and I have to say, it did turn out nice! Not up to your standards, but the best I've ever been able to do! It meant a lot to me that I could honor you and our tradition this way. So I tied beautiful ribbons on all of Dave's gifts.
While I was wrapping I was talking out loud to you about the dilemma I've been struggling with in my heart. Dayton is expecting us to come over to his/your house for Christmas Eve and I've wanted to cancel. I'm so afraid of spending Christmas Eve without you, and I don't know if I can spend it in your home, surrounded by everything that is you, and not have you there. I don't know if I can stand being there today without hearing the sound of your voice, and your laughter, the clatter of pots and pans preparing our Christmas dinner, and the look of joy on your face as your babies opening their gifts. It's going to feel so lonely. I really don't know if I can do it mom. So anyway, I was talking out loud to you, asking you what I should do. Should I cancel on Dayton? Does he even want a relationship with us? Does he care if we are there? What do you want me to do mom? I asked you to send me a note, an email, or whatever to show me what I'm supposed to do, what the right thing to do in this situation is. And literally the moment I finished asking you all of these questions out loud, my phone rang. It was Dayton. He was calling to see if we were still coming today. I started to cry. It was obvious to me that this was a sign if there ever was one! You were listening mom! Thank you thank you thank you! At that moment, I knew you wanted me to be there with Dayton on Christmas eve.
It was a good conversation with Dayton. He was so nice and gentle with me. I could tell he genuinely wanted us to be there. I even told him how scared I was of how it would feel there without you being there and I started to cry. I asked him if it was going to feel horrible, and he said "No, it won't.. Everything will be ok, Everything will be ok..." So as I hung up with him, I knew you had a hand in this. Now I'm begging you to help me actually get through this day. I am praying that it's not so incredibly painful that I can't enjoy it.
One other thing that happened that I knew was a love message from you! I had hard boiled some eggs and on Tuesday I cut one in half to salt and pepper it and then eat it. When I sliced it open the yolk was in the shape of a perfect heart! So I had two perfect hearts right in front of me! How random is that?!! I knew it had to be from you.. Your love and my love.. Just a reminder from you.
Ok mom, here goes. It's going to be a long emotional day, please help me get through it. I love you more than I can say, a love that echoes through to the Heavens. Feel my love for you. Send your love and comfort to me.
Oh, and I'll be stopping by your grave site today with some of your favorite Ritz peanut butter, white chocolate covered cookies! You used to beg me to make them every year! They were your faves!
Love and Ritz Cookies,
Erika
Oh mom! I've tried to write so many times, but the words just wouldn't come. I'm feeling so conflicted about so many things. There's been some good things that have happened though, that have made me feel you and God. On Wednesday I was alone in our house wrapping presents for Dave and I saw the beautiful fabric ribbon lying there on the table and I said aloud "Ok mom, I'll give it a try!" You always tied beautiful fabric bows on our presents! No one ever wanted to cut them off or throw them away. You always scoffed at our gushings about how amazing they looked. I think I loved the gifts from you because of the time you took in making them look so beautiful. I know you were thinking of me and putting all your love into each wrapping. So I worked and worked to tie something worthy on Dave's gift, and I have to say, it did turn out nice! Not up to your standards, but the best I've ever been able to do! It meant a lot to me that I could honor you and our tradition this way. So I tied beautiful ribbons on all of Dave's gifts.
While I was wrapping I was talking out loud to you about the dilemma I've been struggling with in my heart. Dayton is expecting us to come over to his/your house for Christmas Eve and I've wanted to cancel. I'm so afraid of spending Christmas Eve without you, and I don't know if I can spend it in your home, surrounded by everything that is you, and not have you there. I don't know if I can stand being there today without hearing the sound of your voice, and your laughter, the clatter of pots and pans preparing our Christmas dinner, and the look of joy on your face as your babies opening their gifts. It's going to feel so lonely. I really don't know if I can do it mom. So anyway, I was talking out loud to you, asking you what I should do. Should I cancel on Dayton? Does he even want a relationship with us? Does he care if we are there? What do you want me to do mom? I asked you to send me a note, an email, or whatever to show me what I'm supposed to do, what the right thing to do in this situation is. And literally the moment I finished asking you all of these questions out loud, my phone rang. It was Dayton. He was calling to see if we were still coming today. I started to cry. It was obvious to me that this was a sign if there ever was one! You were listening mom! Thank you thank you thank you! At that moment, I knew you wanted me to be there with Dayton on Christmas eve.
It was a good conversation with Dayton. He was so nice and gentle with me. I could tell he genuinely wanted us to be there. I even told him how scared I was of how it would feel there without you being there and I started to cry. I asked him if it was going to feel horrible, and he said "No, it won't.. Everything will be ok, Everything will be ok..." So as I hung up with him, I knew you had a hand in this. Now I'm begging you to help me actually get through this day. I am praying that it's not so incredibly painful that I can't enjoy it.
One other thing that happened that I knew was a love message from you! I had hard boiled some eggs and on Tuesday I cut one in half to salt and pepper it and then eat it. When I sliced it open the yolk was in the shape of a perfect heart! So I had two perfect hearts right in front of me! How random is that?!! I knew it had to be from you.. Your love and my love.. Just a reminder from you.
Ok mom, here goes. It's going to be a long emotional day, please help me get through it. I love you more than I can say, a love that echoes through to the Heavens. Feel my love for you. Send your love and comfort to me.
Oh, and I'll be stopping by your grave site today with some of your favorite Ritz peanut butter, white chocolate covered cookies! You used to beg me to make them every year! They were your faves!
Love and Ritz Cookies,
Erika
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Inadequate
Dear Mamacita,
It's 7:00 a.m. on a snowy Saturday morning. Do you remember the wonderful, calm glow of the Christmas tree in the morning? It feels like the universe is is quiet and still. The kids are happily watching a Christmas cartoon and Dave got us a bag of Kona coffee beans last night! So I got the coffee pot ready and the beans ground last night, and then set out our favorite coffee cups so that everything would be ready to go this morning. My favorite Saturday tradition is drinking coffee from your favorite mug that I kept when you moved out. It's the one that says "My favorite people call me Nana". It makes me feel close to you. It reminds me of sitting at the kitchen table early in the morning with you, drinking coffee and having loving chats.
Did you ever feel inadequate as a mom and woman, mamacita? This season is proving to be particularly difficult for me. I'm feeling inadequate in so many ways. The Christmas tree is up, the stockings are hung and the Santa pictures are sitting on the mantel, but that's all the decorating we have been able to do. The boys have been really sick this week and school has been really trying. Sometimes I feel like I let everyone who's important to me down. I wish I could just be graceful and accepting of what has happened. There are some people I know who have had difficult situations that are so graceful, gentle and accepting of what life has dealt them. I can't figure out why I don't have that. Instead I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I'm just hurt, fearful, and angry. I haven't been doing right by God and my kids by not taking them to Sunday school and attending worship ourselves. I have a whole basket full of wonderful Christmas books that I can't bring myself to read to them.
This season is supposed to be full of expectation. Waiting for baby Jesus to come into our world, waiting for Santa to come, waiting for the family get togethers, waiting for the special holiday treats, and waiting for the presents. But for me, I don't feel it mom. It all seems hollow. I haven't bought any Christmas presents yet, it just doesn't seem important, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed by life that sometimes I can't even bring myself to return phone calls or maintain friendships that mean so much to me. I know that I haven't been a very good friend to so many people who are so important to me. I used to be the one whom people would come to, to talk about their problems, but now I feel like people aren't sharing these things with me like they used to. I'm probably putting out the vibe that I can't handle everyone else's problems. I also feel very needy and vulnerable for the first time in my life.
My anxiety levels have been really high this week. I've had to take more meds than usual. But when everything hurts and I feel like I can't breathe there's no good options. I try to focus on my breathing, mom. Taking long, deep steadying breaths, but sometimes that doesn't help at all. If I didn't have Dave as my rock and steady force in my life I wouldn't be functioning as well as I am. How long will this last mom? How long will I need all the meds in order to cope and function? When does the pain subside? I absolutely hate it when people tell me to just "think about the good times"! Do they think that I don't want to do that??? There are times when I am calm and it's just me and Dave that I can talk about funny memories of us and favorite times, but mostly when I think about you, it's just the loneliness. Just remembering over and over again that you are gone. That I have to face the rest of my life without you. That I don't get to call you anymore to ask you how to make gravy (for the 130th time!) or how long to hard boil an egg, or what to do when your Sam Sam has a temp of 104 degrees and is asking for you and says that he just wants you here to take care of him and hold him.
Where do I go from here? I'm praying for God to show me the path I need to take. I trust that he can make a flower bloom from this desert of pain. I want to ask Him so many questions, but I know the answers will have to wait. I know that I can't see His plan for my life. I know he only wants and plans good for our lives, but it's hard to see through the grief and loneliness right now. I praise him for the 34 1/2 years I had with you. I am thankful that He gave us each other for as long as we did. I truly believe that depth of which we grieve is directly proportionate to the depth to which we loved. As Queen Elizabeth II said "Grief is the price we pay for love."
For now I'm going to make my kids some "Fa la la hot chocolate" (dark hot chocolate with Andes mints melted in them) and drink my Kona coffee and just let God sort it out for me. I'll keep on keeping on and keep breathing.
Love and Coffee,
Me
It's 7:00 a.m. on a snowy Saturday morning. Do you remember the wonderful, calm glow of the Christmas tree in the morning? It feels like the universe is is quiet and still. The kids are happily watching a Christmas cartoon and Dave got us a bag of Kona coffee beans last night! So I got the coffee pot ready and the beans ground last night, and then set out our favorite coffee cups so that everything would be ready to go this morning. My favorite Saturday tradition is drinking coffee from your favorite mug that I kept when you moved out. It's the one that says "My favorite people call me Nana". It makes me feel close to you. It reminds me of sitting at the kitchen table early in the morning with you, drinking coffee and having loving chats.
Did you ever feel inadequate as a mom and woman, mamacita? This season is proving to be particularly difficult for me. I'm feeling inadequate in so many ways. The Christmas tree is up, the stockings are hung and the Santa pictures are sitting on the mantel, but that's all the decorating we have been able to do. The boys have been really sick this week and school has been really trying. Sometimes I feel like I let everyone who's important to me down. I wish I could just be graceful and accepting of what has happened. There are some people I know who have had difficult situations that are so graceful, gentle and accepting of what life has dealt them. I can't figure out why I don't have that. Instead I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I'm just hurt, fearful, and angry. I haven't been doing right by God and my kids by not taking them to Sunday school and attending worship ourselves. I have a whole basket full of wonderful Christmas books that I can't bring myself to read to them.
This season is supposed to be full of expectation. Waiting for baby Jesus to come into our world, waiting for Santa to come, waiting for the family get togethers, waiting for the special holiday treats, and waiting for the presents. But for me, I don't feel it mom. It all seems hollow. I haven't bought any Christmas presents yet, it just doesn't seem important, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed by life that sometimes I can't even bring myself to return phone calls or maintain friendships that mean so much to me. I know that I haven't been a very good friend to so many people who are so important to me. I used to be the one whom people would come to, to talk about their problems, but now I feel like people aren't sharing these things with me like they used to. I'm probably putting out the vibe that I can't handle everyone else's problems. I also feel very needy and vulnerable for the first time in my life.
My anxiety levels have been really high this week. I've had to take more meds than usual. But when everything hurts and I feel like I can't breathe there's no good options. I try to focus on my breathing, mom. Taking long, deep steadying breaths, but sometimes that doesn't help at all. If I didn't have Dave as my rock and steady force in my life I wouldn't be functioning as well as I am. How long will this last mom? How long will I need all the meds in order to cope and function? When does the pain subside? I absolutely hate it when people tell me to just "think about the good times"! Do they think that I don't want to do that??? There are times when I am calm and it's just me and Dave that I can talk about funny memories of us and favorite times, but mostly when I think about you, it's just the loneliness. Just remembering over and over again that you are gone. That I have to face the rest of my life without you. That I don't get to call you anymore to ask you how to make gravy (for the 130th time!) or how long to hard boil an egg, or what to do when your Sam Sam has a temp of 104 degrees and is asking for you and says that he just wants you here to take care of him and hold him.
Where do I go from here? I'm praying for God to show me the path I need to take. I trust that he can make a flower bloom from this desert of pain. I want to ask Him so many questions, but I know the answers will have to wait. I know that I can't see His plan for my life. I know he only wants and plans good for our lives, but it's hard to see through the grief and loneliness right now. I praise him for the 34 1/2 years I had with you. I am thankful that He gave us each other for as long as we did. I truly believe that depth of which we grieve is directly proportionate to the depth to which we loved. As Queen Elizabeth II said "Grief is the price we pay for love."
For now I'm going to make my kids some "Fa la la hot chocolate" (dark hot chocolate with Andes mints melted in them) and drink my Kona coffee and just let God sort it out for me. I'll keep on keeping on and keep breathing.
Love and Coffee,
Me
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Ribbons
Dear Mamacita,
My heart just isn't in it. We are trying to clean, decorate, and set up the Christmas tree. Of course, nothing can go that smoothly. You know what set me off today? I was trying to tie a beautiful new Christmas ribbon on the gorgeous glass ornament of yours that is hanging from our window, and I can't do it! I cannot tie the damned ribbon in bow to save my life. You had an amazing gift for tying beautiful ribbons. It was one of the things I looked forward to most at Christmas, every present you wrapped had a beautifully tied fabric ribbon around it. I knew one day I would miss that so much, I just didn't know that "one day" would be this year.
It feels like my chest is caving in on itself. My heart and chest physically hurt. I'm fighting a migraine too. I know my body is trying to tell me I'm doing to much and not taking care of myself emotionally, but I don't know what to do. I want to decorate and make Christmas special for your babies, but it hurts so much mom. The anxiety is hovering right over my shoulder, waiting to ambush me when I least expect it. I'm so unhappy mom. Things weren't good last year at this time, but at least we had hope. We were leading up to your transplant and had our eyes on the goal, a new lease on life for you. Instead, something went horribly wrong and now there's nothing. Just my first miserable Christmas season without you. Everything is an outrage mom. Putting up pretty things, making a shopping/gift list, planning family get togethers, it all seems wrong. I just want to skip it all together.
I wish I could clone myself. Then I could give Sam and Max a happy, loving mom, and Dave a less needy wife, instead of this shell of the person I once was. The only thing about me that is the same since before you died, is the stuff on the outside. If I could clone myself then I could go somewhere alone and just grieve, or try to figure out how to find you in all of this pain. I would give almost anything to see you again, if only for a little while, just to ease the incredible loneliness I feel without you. You were my shield in this world. The person who loved me without question or condition.
My friend Jen titled her last post "Love Come Down". It made me think about how God may have felt when He sent His son into our world. He knew how it would end, with His beautiful, amazing Son on the cross, and yet, He sent Him anyways, out of His love for us. He literally sent His love down to us in the form of a tiny baby. When I look back on our story mom, even knowing now how it would end, I would do it again in a heartbeat. All the tears we shared, the trials and heartaches we went through, made us who we are. The good times and the bad made our relationship the amazing thing it was.
I'm trying to figure out how God intends me to grow from this desert of pain. What does He want from me? People tell me they think I am strong. I'm not. The truth is I feel vulnerable, angry, sad, hurt, miserable and lost without you. I know He gave us blessings along the way, but it doesn't change the fact that you're still gone, and I'm left here to deal with life and Adam, and Dayton without you. I miss the way you would mediate between me and Dayton, and the way you would put him in his place and tell him to knock it off when he was being stubborn or throwing a fit. I showed him the cross we had made for your grave site and I know he didn't like it. I don't really care though. It felt good to me and Dave once it was there for you. After we placed it and stood back to look at it, all I could do was cry.
I'm so sorry it ended this way mom. I know if you had a choice you'd choose to be here with us. In the last 6 months of your life you showed more strength and grace than anyone I have ever known. What do you want me to do now mom? How do I honor you and your life during this season? God, I miss your voice so much. It hasn't gotten easier to not hear your voice on the phone or feel your hug. I'm having a hard time with it being winter. All I can think of is that your body is buried in the cold unforgiving ground and you must be so cold. I keep wishing I had wrapped warm blankets around you before they buried you. I fight the urge to bring you blankets. I know you don't really need them, I just need to be able to care for you somehow in some way.
Do you see me mom? Do you feel my love and my loneliness for you? Can you send me a sign that I can recognize to show me that you still are there, still love me and haven't forgotten me wherever it is that you are? I know I shouldn't be jealous of Heaven, since I know I'm going there too someday, and will get to spend eternity with you and all His saints, but I just want to be where you are.
There is a song that I have dubbed as "yours". It's titled "Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin. There's a line in it that makes me feel like you're talking directly to me. It goes: "My chains are gone, I've been set free.." I know that is how you must feel right now. The chains of your illness and hurting body have been broken. God took you home to be with Him and now you are perfect. And for that, I am grateful and humbled by His mercy. "And like a flood, His mercy rains, unending love, amazing grace.."
Please be with me mom. I need you more than ever before. Be with Sam and help him through his grief too.
All My Love,
Erika
My heart just isn't in it. We are trying to clean, decorate, and set up the Christmas tree. Of course, nothing can go that smoothly. You know what set me off today? I was trying to tie a beautiful new Christmas ribbon on the gorgeous glass ornament of yours that is hanging from our window, and I can't do it! I cannot tie the damned ribbon in bow to save my life. You had an amazing gift for tying beautiful ribbons. It was one of the things I looked forward to most at Christmas, every present you wrapped had a beautifully tied fabric ribbon around it. I knew one day I would miss that so much, I just didn't know that "one day" would be this year.
It feels like my chest is caving in on itself. My heart and chest physically hurt. I'm fighting a migraine too. I know my body is trying to tell me I'm doing to much and not taking care of myself emotionally, but I don't know what to do. I want to decorate and make Christmas special for your babies, but it hurts so much mom. The anxiety is hovering right over my shoulder, waiting to ambush me when I least expect it. I'm so unhappy mom. Things weren't good last year at this time, but at least we had hope. We were leading up to your transplant and had our eyes on the goal, a new lease on life for you. Instead, something went horribly wrong and now there's nothing. Just my first miserable Christmas season without you. Everything is an outrage mom. Putting up pretty things, making a shopping/gift list, planning family get togethers, it all seems wrong. I just want to skip it all together.
I wish I could clone myself. Then I could give Sam and Max a happy, loving mom, and Dave a less needy wife, instead of this shell of the person I once was. The only thing about me that is the same since before you died, is the stuff on the outside. If I could clone myself then I could go somewhere alone and just grieve, or try to figure out how to find you in all of this pain. I would give almost anything to see you again, if only for a little while, just to ease the incredible loneliness I feel without you. You were my shield in this world. The person who loved me without question or condition.
My friend Jen titled her last post "Love Come Down". It made me think about how God may have felt when He sent His son into our world. He knew how it would end, with His beautiful, amazing Son on the cross, and yet, He sent Him anyways, out of His love for us. He literally sent His love down to us in the form of a tiny baby. When I look back on our story mom, even knowing now how it would end, I would do it again in a heartbeat. All the tears we shared, the trials and heartaches we went through, made us who we are. The good times and the bad made our relationship the amazing thing it was.
I'm trying to figure out how God intends me to grow from this desert of pain. What does He want from me? People tell me they think I am strong. I'm not. The truth is I feel vulnerable, angry, sad, hurt, miserable and lost without you. I know He gave us blessings along the way, but it doesn't change the fact that you're still gone, and I'm left here to deal with life and Adam, and Dayton without you. I miss the way you would mediate between me and Dayton, and the way you would put him in his place and tell him to knock it off when he was being stubborn or throwing a fit. I showed him the cross we had made for your grave site and I know he didn't like it. I don't really care though. It felt good to me and Dave once it was there for you. After we placed it and stood back to look at it, all I could do was cry.
I'm so sorry it ended this way mom. I know if you had a choice you'd choose to be here with us. In the last 6 months of your life you showed more strength and grace than anyone I have ever known. What do you want me to do now mom? How do I honor you and your life during this season? God, I miss your voice so much. It hasn't gotten easier to not hear your voice on the phone or feel your hug. I'm having a hard time with it being winter. All I can think of is that your body is buried in the cold unforgiving ground and you must be so cold. I keep wishing I had wrapped warm blankets around you before they buried you. I fight the urge to bring you blankets. I know you don't really need them, I just need to be able to care for you somehow in some way.
Do you see me mom? Do you feel my love and my loneliness for you? Can you send me a sign that I can recognize to show me that you still are there, still love me and haven't forgotten me wherever it is that you are? I know I shouldn't be jealous of Heaven, since I know I'm going there too someday, and will get to spend eternity with you and all His saints, but I just want to be where you are.
There is a song that I have dubbed as "yours". It's titled "Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin. There's a line in it that makes me feel like you're talking directly to me. It goes: "My chains are gone, I've been set free.." I know that is how you must feel right now. The chains of your illness and hurting body have been broken. God took you home to be with Him and now you are perfect. And for that, I am grateful and humbled by His mercy. "And like a flood, His mercy rains, unending love, amazing grace.."
Please be with me mom. I need you more than ever before. Be with Sam and help him through his grief too.
All My Love,
Erika
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thanksgiving Storm
Dear Mamacita,
Oh my God... This is really going to happen, isn't it? Thanksgiving without you. I thought I was doing ok today. Sort of numb to all the things going on around me. Choosing to disengage on some level, I guess. But your babies are tipping the scales of my emotional balance (what there is of it). We were in the van going to Target (again) and Monster Max said "Momma, I miss Nana.. Where she?" And later that day Sam said "Hey mom, remember that Thanksgiving that nana came to our house? It was such a good day. I miss her.. You know that picture of her I have in my room? I was thinking that maybe we could put it on the table when we have Thanksgiving dinner and then it would kinda be like she was with us". I told him that was a great idea, and we are going to do that. Each time the kids ask about you it's like a dagger to my heart. My heart hurts for my own loss, and it hurts for their little hearts too. I get so angry that they have to grow up without you. I can tell them how much you love them, and remind them of all our favorite memories together, but you should be here to do it yourself and to love them.
Then I called Dayton tonight. The phone call went well, but it pushed me over the edge. He's having dinner with his new friend and her grown up kids and grandkids. I don't begrudge him that, but everything just feels wrong about it. I think it hit me that things really aren't ever going to be the same again. Last year we were all together and it was a perfect day. Now, you're not here, Dayton is going somewhere different and we are going to Dave's parents house. And I have no idea where Adam might be spending his Thanksgiving. Probably in some hell hole, thinking that nobody care about him anymore, now that you're gone. It just feels like our family is shattered and scattered. There's no sense of completeness, or peace, or safety.
I miss your excitement about Thanksgiving. You loved this holiday even more than Christmas. Thanksgiving is only about family and being thankful the things we have in this life. You loved all the cooking prep. It was always so much work when you would host, but everybody loved gathering at your house. The food was always perfect and abundant. Everyone always looked forward to the pies for dessert. And you took such pride and joy in making them. They were your favorite thing to make. You were everything that was Thanksgiving. When I picture thanksgivings with you I see your beautiful, shining face. You loved it. I remember coming up early to help you cook and get things ready. I loved setting the table so formally with all the best china and cloth napkins folded elegantly. I remember how wonderful and mouth-watering the house would smell with the turkey baking and the sides cooking. I always made the cranberry sauce and the real whipped cream. We worked together so well and so joyfully together. It was always exhausting but so satisfying and soul refreshing to have everyone there in your house together. Sharing a beautiful meal, the laughter all around, feeling at ease with each other and seeing the various clumps of family members talking in small groups around the house. Usually there was a new baby to hold and fight for, and small children always under foot. That's what made it perfect and complete.
Now what?
How do I go on tomorrow when my heart is broken and all I want is you? I want to hear your laugh and to hear you wish me and the kids and Dave happy thanksgiving. Dave's family loved you too, and now our hearts are broken again with the loss of Dave K. Too many people are missing from the table mom. I'm having trouble finding the right attitude to be thankful for anything. I know there are things I'm thankful for, such as my amazing husband, my fristers, Dave's mom and dad, my girlfriends, my kids, a warm house, blankets, a comfortable bed, enough food and money to pay the bills. But it all seems secondary to the pain I feel right now.
The pain I feel now and earlier tonight was as intense as when you first died. I've been really struggling in the last week or so. I've been under an onslaught of the intense images and feelings from the night/morning you died. All I can think of sometimes is the physicalness of your body as you laid there, stepping into your next life. The weight or you hand in mine, the feel of my head on your chest, as my tears soaked into your nightgown, my hand on your forehead, and the sight of the funeral home guy wheeling your body out of the house. I think of you laying in your casket. What was in there, what you looked like. I still can't stand the smell of mixed flowers. They make me nauseous now because it takes me back to the funeral home. I miss the physical feel of your hug. The way you would always touch me as you passed by me.. a touch on the head or shoulders or back.. enough to tell me without words how much you loved me.
So because my body was so racked with pain tonight I felt like I needed to "do" something, so I dusted off my nightstand all the things on our decorative shelves and then I moved on to the dresser. As I was sorting things, under a pile of papers, I found the last birthday card you ever gave me. October 5th, 2009. It was right after we just found out how bad the cancer was, and the slim chances of your survival. it was like you knew what might happen and wanted to send me love and encouragement. I think that you intended for me to find it again tonight, over a year later, on a day I was desperate for your love. Here's what you wrote to me:
"How I waited for you and loved you from the moment I knew you were coming. That love will never die Erika, but will bless you and comfort you always. All my love forever, Erika. Mom."
Mom, even typing this makes me cry again. Damn Damn Damn! I both love and hate this card. I want you! Not a card to get me through the next 50 years of my life. I miss you mamacita. All I can do is sit here and cry. My life will never be the same and it feels like the pain will never stop. I just want the pain to stop and I want you back. The despair and rage I feel tonight is so raw and so strong. It scares me. If I didn't have Dave, I don't know what I would do. I think I would have given up or ended up in an institution somewhere. I'm so tired mama. I feel like I could sleep for days. I wish I could sleep for days. I just want to be alone. I need my rocks in Grand Marais. I need an escape from the pain. I need to be able to go somewhere and process. I need to go somewhere where no one expects anything of me. Where I'm not a teacher, not a mom, not a friend who needs to give back, somewhere I can just be a grieving daughter. Somewhere that people understand that. I'm fairly sure that place doesn't exist. Maybe when the weather gets warmer again I can get away from everything and go be with you.
There's a quote from Winnie the Pooh that my friend Jen C.-M. posted in facebook that really meant a lot to me. I thought you might like to read it mom. It goes like this:
"How does one become a butterfly?" Pooh asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar," Piglet replied.
"You mean to die?" asked Pooh.
"Yes and no" he answered.
"What looks like you will die, but what's REALLY you will live on."
- A.A. Milne
I know you can't explain to me what it's like where you are or what you are like now. I just long to have the confirmation that you still remember me and feel my love wherever you are. I know that a love like ours doesn't just die. It echoes on into eternity. Just can't wait to be there with you.
I've been working on your quilt mama. I can't wait to get it done so that I can wrap myself up in you whenever I need to feel you. It's difficult to handle your clothing, but I know the end result will be worth the tears and anxiety I have while making it.
We are going up to Hinckley on Saturday. We are going out to your house. I asked Dayton if I could have a few things of yours to have around me. Even table cloths or some Christmas decorations. I'd really love to have all of your jewelry, but I'm afraid to ask Dayton, for fear that he may say no. Maybe it would help him let go of it if he knew I wasn't going to sell or destroy it. I want to keep your beautiful wedding ring for Sam or Max to one day give to their fiance. I just need some of your things to be in my life. I hope our visit with Dayton goes well and the kids enjoy seeing him again. We are going to stop out at your gravesite.
I love you so much mamacita. Please hold me tonight as I sleep and be with me tomorrow. Give me the Grace and Courage I'll need to get through the day. You were the light in my life and the shield to my past. In my next letter to you, I want to talk more about shields.
Good night Mamacita, Find me in my dreams.
Forever yours,
Erika
Oh my God... This is really going to happen, isn't it? Thanksgiving without you. I thought I was doing ok today. Sort of numb to all the things going on around me. Choosing to disengage on some level, I guess. But your babies are tipping the scales of my emotional balance (what there is of it). We were in the van going to Target (again) and Monster Max said "Momma, I miss Nana.. Where she?" And later that day Sam said "Hey mom, remember that Thanksgiving that nana came to our house? It was such a good day. I miss her.. You know that picture of her I have in my room? I was thinking that maybe we could put it on the table when we have Thanksgiving dinner and then it would kinda be like she was with us". I told him that was a great idea, and we are going to do that. Each time the kids ask about you it's like a dagger to my heart. My heart hurts for my own loss, and it hurts for their little hearts too. I get so angry that they have to grow up without you. I can tell them how much you love them, and remind them of all our favorite memories together, but you should be here to do it yourself and to love them.
Then I called Dayton tonight. The phone call went well, but it pushed me over the edge. He's having dinner with his new friend and her grown up kids and grandkids. I don't begrudge him that, but everything just feels wrong about it. I think it hit me that things really aren't ever going to be the same again. Last year we were all together and it was a perfect day. Now, you're not here, Dayton is going somewhere different and we are going to Dave's parents house. And I have no idea where Adam might be spending his Thanksgiving. Probably in some hell hole, thinking that nobody care about him anymore, now that you're gone. It just feels like our family is shattered and scattered. There's no sense of completeness, or peace, or safety.
I miss your excitement about Thanksgiving. You loved this holiday even more than Christmas. Thanksgiving is only about family and being thankful the things we have in this life. You loved all the cooking prep. It was always so much work when you would host, but everybody loved gathering at your house. The food was always perfect and abundant. Everyone always looked forward to the pies for dessert. And you took such pride and joy in making them. They were your favorite thing to make. You were everything that was Thanksgiving. When I picture thanksgivings with you I see your beautiful, shining face. You loved it. I remember coming up early to help you cook and get things ready. I loved setting the table so formally with all the best china and cloth napkins folded elegantly. I remember how wonderful and mouth-watering the house would smell with the turkey baking and the sides cooking. I always made the cranberry sauce and the real whipped cream. We worked together so well and so joyfully together. It was always exhausting but so satisfying and soul refreshing to have everyone there in your house together. Sharing a beautiful meal, the laughter all around, feeling at ease with each other and seeing the various clumps of family members talking in small groups around the house. Usually there was a new baby to hold and fight for, and small children always under foot. That's what made it perfect and complete.
Now what?
How do I go on tomorrow when my heart is broken and all I want is you? I want to hear your laugh and to hear you wish me and the kids and Dave happy thanksgiving. Dave's family loved you too, and now our hearts are broken again with the loss of Dave K. Too many people are missing from the table mom. I'm having trouble finding the right attitude to be thankful for anything. I know there are things I'm thankful for, such as my amazing husband, my fristers, Dave's mom and dad, my girlfriends, my kids, a warm house, blankets, a comfortable bed, enough food and money to pay the bills. But it all seems secondary to the pain I feel right now.
The pain I feel now and earlier tonight was as intense as when you first died. I've been really struggling in the last week or so. I've been under an onslaught of the intense images and feelings from the night/morning you died. All I can think of sometimes is the physicalness of your body as you laid there, stepping into your next life. The weight or you hand in mine, the feel of my head on your chest, as my tears soaked into your nightgown, my hand on your forehead, and the sight of the funeral home guy wheeling your body out of the house. I think of you laying in your casket. What was in there, what you looked like. I still can't stand the smell of mixed flowers. They make me nauseous now because it takes me back to the funeral home. I miss the physical feel of your hug. The way you would always touch me as you passed by me.. a touch on the head or shoulders or back.. enough to tell me without words how much you loved me.
So because my body was so racked with pain tonight I felt like I needed to "do" something, so I dusted off my nightstand all the things on our decorative shelves and then I moved on to the dresser. As I was sorting things, under a pile of papers, I found the last birthday card you ever gave me. October 5th, 2009. It was right after we just found out how bad the cancer was, and the slim chances of your survival. it was like you knew what might happen and wanted to send me love and encouragement. I think that you intended for me to find it again tonight, over a year later, on a day I was desperate for your love. Here's what you wrote to me:
"How I waited for you and loved you from the moment I knew you were coming. That love will never die Erika, but will bless you and comfort you always. All my love forever, Erika. Mom."
Mom, even typing this makes me cry again. Damn Damn Damn! I both love and hate this card. I want you! Not a card to get me through the next 50 years of my life. I miss you mamacita. All I can do is sit here and cry. My life will never be the same and it feels like the pain will never stop. I just want the pain to stop and I want you back. The despair and rage I feel tonight is so raw and so strong. It scares me. If I didn't have Dave, I don't know what I would do. I think I would have given up or ended up in an institution somewhere. I'm so tired mama. I feel like I could sleep for days. I wish I could sleep for days. I just want to be alone. I need my rocks in Grand Marais. I need an escape from the pain. I need to be able to go somewhere and process. I need to go somewhere where no one expects anything of me. Where I'm not a teacher, not a mom, not a friend who needs to give back, somewhere I can just be a grieving daughter. Somewhere that people understand that. I'm fairly sure that place doesn't exist. Maybe when the weather gets warmer again I can get away from everything and go be with you.
There's a quote from Winnie the Pooh that my friend Jen C.-M. posted in facebook that really meant a lot to me. I thought you might like to read it mom. It goes like this:
"How does one become a butterfly?" Pooh asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar," Piglet replied.
"You mean to die?" asked Pooh.
"Yes and no" he answered.
"What looks like you will die, but what's REALLY you will live on."
- A.A. Milne
I know you can't explain to me what it's like where you are or what you are like now. I just long to have the confirmation that you still remember me and feel my love wherever you are. I know that a love like ours doesn't just die. It echoes on into eternity. Just can't wait to be there with you.
I've been working on your quilt mama. I can't wait to get it done so that I can wrap myself up in you whenever I need to feel you. It's difficult to handle your clothing, but I know the end result will be worth the tears and anxiety I have while making it.
We are going up to Hinckley on Saturday. We are going out to your house. I asked Dayton if I could have a few things of yours to have around me. Even table cloths or some Christmas decorations. I'd really love to have all of your jewelry, but I'm afraid to ask Dayton, for fear that he may say no. Maybe it would help him let go of it if he knew I wasn't going to sell or destroy it. I want to keep your beautiful wedding ring for Sam or Max to one day give to their fiance. I just need some of your things to be in my life. I hope our visit with Dayton goes well and the kids enjoy seeing him again. We are going to stop out at your gravesite.
I love you so much mamacita. Please hold me tonight as I sleep and be with me tomorrow. Give me the Grace and Courage I'll need to get through the day. You were the light in my life and the shield to my past. In my next letter to you, I want to talk more about shields.
Good night Mamacita, Find me in my dreams.
Forever yours,
Erika
Monday, November 15, 2010
A Few of My Favorite Things
Dear Mamacita,
I felt you... There's a massage/Reiki place in the same building that I go to counseling in and as I walked past there it smelled so good. I knew it was somewhere I wanted to go. I wrote down the number of the place and called to make an appointment for a massage. Last Wednesday after my counseling session, I went there for the first time and got the best massage of my entire life. When I walked into the treatment room, it was like walking into Hawaii. It smelled so delicious, there was soft tropical music playing, the walls were all decorated in Hawaiian decor, and the therapist I saw was certified in lomi lomi massage. I told her about our connection to Hawaii and she told me hers. I found out that she has also lost her mother. She totally understood about the healing that comes from being in Hawaii, and while I was on that table, I could feel you in the room, taking care of me, and enjoying the fact that I was being taken care of. This was the first time that I knew with certainty that you were there with me. I love you so much Mom. Tessa, the massage therapist, told me that sometimes people can try too hard to "see" or "feel" the person they are missing. And like everyone who has lost someone very close to them has told me, I will find you in my soul, in my heart. Maybe the veil of the darkest, deepest depression is lifting, and so I can sense you better. I'm not sure. There are still times that the pain is so overwhelming that I can't breathe and feel like I'm falling apart. I know there will always be moments like that.
I've been trying to focus on the positive things in life. It's not easy, but there are many things I love, things that make me happy. So I decided to write them down. Here's the list Mamacita. Enjoy!
*my kids' giggles and belly laughs
*a hot bath by candlelight
*rum
*small jeans
*conquering fears
*going out to O'Donovan's with Dave
*feeling Dave's hug
*the "I love you" sign from Sam
*girlfriends!
*laughing till I cry
*watching a good movie
*the 1st drink of coffee in the morning
*how I feel *after* working out
*magical teaching moments
*holding my kids tight
*the smell of Hawaii
*oatmeal from Caribou
*holding hands
*texting ;-)
*pedicures
*music
*concerts
*bowling league
*lipstick
*reaching goals
*happy hour
*sunsets
*going home again
*family parties
*Vikings football
*quiet time when the kids are in bed
*a clean house
*getting things organized
*feeling the sun soaking into my skin
*grown-up retreats
*4-wheeling
*thunderstorms
*the smell of thanksgiving
*kissing
*sharing massages
*surprises
*looking at my scrapbooks
*climbing into our bed with fresh sheets
*romantic birthday dates
*musicals
*when Dave says "pump n munch"
*the first and last days of school
*decorating the Christmas tree
*making Christmas cookies with girlfriends
*watching the kids open presents
*finding the perfect gift for Dave
*getting cards
*my birthday
*the word "giggidy"
*frogs croaking at night
*falling asleep to the lull of familiar voices
*stars out in the country
*the full moon
*short skirts
*"are you even speaking English"?!
*coffee with girlfriends
*the "Barefoot Bar" in Waikiki
*developing great friendships
I'll add more later Momma... I need a shower and to get to bed. I love and miss you.
All my love and then some,
Erika
I felt you... There's a massage/Reiki place in the same building that I go to counseling in and as I walked past there it smelled so good. I knew it was somewhere I wanted to go. I wrote down the number of the place and called to make an appointment for a massage. Last Wednesday after my counseling session, I went there for the first time and got the best massage of my entire life. When I walked into the treatment room, it was like walking into Hawaii. It smelled so delicious, there was soft tropical music playing, the walls were all decorated in Hawaiian decor, and the therapist I saw was certified in lomi lomi massage. I told her about our connection to Hawaii and she told me hers. I found out that she has also lost her mother. She totally understood about the healing that comes from being in Hawaii, and while I was on that table, I could feel you in the room, taking care of me, and enjoying the fact that I was being taken care of. This was the first time that I knew with certainty that you were there with me. I love you so much Mom. Tessa, the massage therapist, told me that sometimes people can try too hard to "see" or "feel" the person they are missing. And like everyone who has lost someone very close to them has told me, I will find you in my soul, in my heart. Maybe the veil of the darkest, deepest depression is lifting, and so I can sense you better. I'm not sure. There are still times that the pain is so overwhelming that I can't breathe and feel like I'm falling apart. I know there will always be moments like that.
I've been trying to focus on the positive things in life. It's not easy, but there are many things I love, things that make me happy. So I decided to write them down. Here's the list Mamacita. Enjoy!
*my kids' giggles and belly laughs
*a hot bath by candlelight
*rum
*small jeans
*conquering fears
*going out to O'Donovan's with Dave
*feeling Dave's hug
*the "I love you" sign from Sam
*girlfriends!
*laughing till I cry
*watching a good movie
*the 1st drink of coffee in the morning
*how I feel *after* working out
*magical teaching moments
*holding my kids tight
*the smell of Hawaii
*oatmeal from Caribou
*holding hands
*texting ;-)
*pedicures
*music
*concerts
*bowling league
*lipstick
*reaching goals
*happy hour
*sunsets
*going home again
*family parties
*Vikings football
*quiet time when the kids are in bed
*a clean house
*getting things organized
*feeling the sun soaking into my skin
*grown-up retreats
*4-wheeling
*thunderstorms
*the smell of thanksgiving
*kissing
*sharing massages
*surprises
*looking at my scrapbooks
*climbing into our bed with fresh sheets
*romantic birthday dates
*musicals
*when Dave says "pump n munch"
*the first and last days of school
*decorating the Christmas tree
*making Christmas cookies with girlfriends
*watching the kids open presents
*finding the perfect gift for Dave
*getting cards
*my birthday
*the word "giggidy"
*frogs croaking at night
*falling asleep to the lull of familiar voices
*stars out in the country
*the full moon
*short skirts
*"are you even speaking English"?!
*coffee with girlfriends
*the "Barefoot Bar" in Waikiki
*developing great friendships
I'll add more later Momma... I need a shower and to get to bed. I love and miss you.
All my love and then some,
Erika
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Holes and Filters
Dear Mamacita,
This was supposed to be our weekend. Every hunting opener weekend, you would always come down and stay with me and the boys. We would go shopping, trying to keep the kids from fighting all day, and go out to a nice dinner in the evenings. Do you remember two years ago when we went to the Olive Garden for dinner with the boys? I thought it would be a huge mistake to take the boys out to eat there, but they ended up being as good as gold, and they both ate all their dinner! It was like a miracle! And you and I actually got to enjoy the meal and a glass of wine with it. It was one of those perfect nights together. I loved the quiet time we would have together after the kids were in bed. We'd have such great conversations. My favorite thing was getting up early with you (like 5:00) and having coffee and conversations together at the kitchen table or in the livingroom, or on the deck.. Mornings were always the best time for you, when you felt the best physically, and mentally. It was during these talks that I could tell you anything and everything. I could cry and laugh with you. You understood all I had been through and where I've come from. You knew what made me the way I am today, both good and bad. God, I miss those talks.
I'm really struggling, mom, to figure out how to fill the holes in my life that you have left. You were a filter for our family. Adam is in a bad situation right now, of his own doing, and I have to find out 2nd or 3rd hand what's happened, instead of from you. Too many family members are involved and facts get changed and no one really knows what's going on. I'm not sure I can do this without you. We always had each other to lean on when it came to Adam's issues. Now I feel like I'm left adrift to deal with the stress of it all without your love and understanding and guidance. I also miss your way of facilitating our relationships with Dayton. I'm not sure what he wants or how he feels about maintaining our relationships. I don't know what he really wants from me (us). I wish you were here to just set him straight and tell him what he really needs to hear.
Next weekend I am going to bring your cross up to your grave. I'm looking forward to giving you the respect that you deserve with having your name there, and maybe feeling some peace when it's all done. I need to be there again to talk to you, to be close to you, to know that a part of you is physically close to me. I hope that you like the cross. I do! Monica and Brian went beyond my expectations when they made it for me. I hope that it holds up through the winter.
The kids are fighting and making me crazy, so I'm going to go now mamacita. I'm gonna start some laundry and then get out and go to Target just to get out of the house with the kids for awhile. Next time I write I need to talk to you about Thanksgiving Mom... *sigh*
I love you mom. Please send me some patience. I'm going to need it today.
Missing our Chats,
Me
This was supposed to be our weekend. Every hunting opener weekend, you would always come down and stay with me and the boys. We would go shopping, trying to keep the kids from fighting all day, and go out to a nice dinner in the evenings. Do you remember two years ago when we went to the Olive Garden for dinner with the boys? I thought it would be a huge mistake to take the boys out to eat there, but they ended up being as good as gold, and they both ate all their dinner! It was like a miracle! And you and I actually got to enjoy the meal and a glass of wine with it. It was one of those perfect nights together. I loved the quiet time we would have together after the kids were in bed. We'd have such great conversations. My favorite thing was getting up early with you (like 5:00) and having coffee and conversations together at the kitchen table or in the livingroom, or on the deck.. Mornings were always the best time for you, when you felt the best physically, and mentally. It was during these talks that I could tell you anything and everything. I could cry and laugh with you. You understood all I had been through and where I've come from. You knew what made me the way I am today, both good and bad. God, I miss those talks.
I'm really struggling, mom, to figure out how to fill the holes in my life that you have left. You were a filter for our family. Adam is in a bad situation right now, of his own doing, and I have to find out 2nd or 3rd hand what's happened, instead of from you. Too many family members are involved and facts get changed and no one really knows what's going on. I'm not sure I can do this without you. We always had each other to lean on when it came to Adam's issues. Now I feel like I'm left adrift to deal with the stress of it all without your love and understanding and guidance. I also miss your way of facilitating our relationships with Dayton. I'm not sure what he wants or how he feels about maintaining our relationships. I don't know what he really wants from me (us). I wish you were here to just set him straight and tell him what he really needs to hear.
Next weekend I am going to bring your cross up to your grave. I'm looking forward to giving you the respect that you deserve with having your name there, and maybe feeling some peace when it's all done. I need to be there again to talk to you, to be close to you, to know that a part of you is physically close to me. I hope that you like the cross. I do! Monica and Brian went beyond my expectations when they made it for me. I hope that it holds up through the winter.
The kids are fighting and making me crazy, so I'm going to go now mamacita. I'm gonna start some laundry and then get out and go to Target just to get out of the house with the kids for awhile. Next time I write I need to talk to you about Thanksgiving Mom... *sigh*
I love you mom. Please send me some patience. I'm going to need it today.
Missing our Chats,
Me
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Pacies and Trust
Dear Mamacita,
It's been a difficult couple of days. Who am I kidding? It's been a difficult year. In the last two days I've had one obsessive thought that I can't get rid of. Let me back up a minute though. In my therapy sessions I've been talking to Sally about how to get rid of the painful, sad, icky images I have of you in my head. The images of you in pain, in the I.C.U., being intubated, wheelchair-bound, helpless, and finally in your casket. She told me that they only way to get through them is to not be afraid of them when they come, to actually think about them and draw them out if I need to, but to confront them. So two days ago I was thinking of you laying in your casket. I was driving so I couldn't draw it, but I imagined drawing it in my head. I was thinking about what you were wearing, how you were laying, the look on your face, and the things that were in your casket with you. There was Mrs. Jumbo, from your Sam Sam, the tiny picture of you holding Sam's hand when he was two years old, and your favorite picture of me and you. All of a sudden I realized that I didn't give you anything from Max.
All I can think about right now is that I should have put one of his pacies in your casket for you with you. Why didn't I do that, Mom? Will Max one day resent that I didn't give you something of him to have with you? I guess I just wasn't thinking clearly momma. I guess I was giving you what Sam and I needed you to have, because we were hurting so badly. Max was aware of our pain, but obviously didn't understand what was happening. Maybe I'm starting to realize all the things that Max is going to miss out on, not having you in his life. Sam has so many connections to you, and special memories of you. I will work hard to make sure Max knows how much you love him. I miss giving you the "Monster Max" updates everyday. It would make me laugh and relax from the stresses of mommyhood when you would ask me "Did Max get a spanking yet today?" Or you would say "What has my Monster Max gotten into today?" I miss those chats mom. I miss everything. I miss your sweet voice telling me that everything is going to be ok, and that I really do love Maxwell even though he's unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper, destroyed stacks of freshly laundered and folded clothes, fought with his brother, and peed on the floor.
I've also been struggling with things I can't control, things I couldn't or can't fix. Sally said to make a list of everything I can't fix. I'm kind of scared to open that box in my heart. I wondered how far back I should go, and immediately knew the answer to that. All the way as far back as I can remember. Wherever the hurts or problems started. I'm going to do that mama. I know that each step I take is a healing one. So, maybe to move forward I need to go back, back to where things started. I worry that if I share everything with Dave he'll see how screwed up my family really was. What if he is like "What the hell have I gotten myself into?" I'm not proud of how screwed up everything was for a long time mom, and I don't want to change how Dave looks at me. Part of my brain knows that he doesn't scare easily and he's already made up his mind about me, and isn't going anywhere, but there's a small part that still says "No one has ever proven they will stay in your life..." I know this is all about trust. I know I have "trust issues". I'm working on it Mom.
Mamacita, will you please visit me in my dreams and send me an unmistakable sign that you are still with me? I need something mom to know you are still all around me. When I said I couldn't feel you, someone I trust said she thinks I am filled with you, that we are always together. Maybe I need the fog to be lifted from my heart before I can totally "see" you here with me. I'll be thinking of you as I go to sleep tonight mom, and again when I wake up. I miss you. I love you. I need you. My life isn't the same without you in it. There is a huge void in my life and a huge hole in my chest. My chest still aches with the loss, my eyes won't stop crying, my arms ache to hold you. I long to smell you, to hug you, to talk for hours and hours...
Love and More Love,
Erika
It's been a difficult couple of days. Who am I kidding? It's been a difficult year. In the last two days I've had one obsessive thought that I can't get rid of. Let me back up a minute though. In my therapy sessions I've been talking to Sally about how to get rid of the painful, sad, icky images I have of you in my head. The images of you in pain, in the I.C.U., being intubated, wheelchair-bound, helpless, and finally in your casket. She told me that they only way to get through them is to not be afraid of them when they come, to actually think about them and draw them out if I need to, but to confront them. So two days ago I was thinking of you laying in your casket. I was driving so I couldn't draw it, but I imagined drawing it in my head. I was thinking about what you were wearing, how you were laying, the look on your face, and the things that were in your casket with you. There was Mrs. Jumbo, from your Sam Sam, the tiny picture of you holding Sam's hand when he was two years old, and your favorite picture of me and you. All of a sudden I realized that I didn't give you anything from Max.
All I can think about right now is that I should have put one of his pacies in your casket for you with you. Why didn't I do that, Mom? Will Max one day resent that I didn't give you something of him to have with you? I guess I just wasn't thinking clearly momma. I guess I was giving you what Sam and I needed you to have, because we were hurting so badly. Max was aware of our pain, but obviously didn't understand what was happening. Maybe I'm starting to realize all the things that Max is going to miss out on, not having you in his life. Sam has so many connections to you, and special memories of you. I will work hard to make sure Max knows how much you love him. I miss giving you the "Monster Max" updates everyday. It would make me laugh and relax from the stresses of mommyhood when you would ask me "Did Max get a spanking yet today?" Or you would say "What has my Monster Max gotten into today?" I miss those chats mom. I miss everything. I miss your sweet voice telling me that everything is going to be ok, and that I really do love Maxwell even though he's unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper, destroyed stacks of freshly laundered and folded clothes, fought with his brother, and peed on the floor.
I've also been struggling with things I can't control, things I couldn't or can't fix. Sally said to make a list of everything I can't fix. I'm kind of scared to open that box in my heart. I wondered how far back I should go, and immediately knew the answer to that. All the way as far back as I can remember. Wherever the hurts or problems started. I'm going to do that mama. I know that each step I take is a healing one. So, maybe to move forward I need to go back, back to where things started. I worry that if I share everything with Dave he'll see how screwed up my family really was. What if he is like "What the hell have I gotten myself into?" I'm not proud of how screwed up everything was for a long time mom, and I don't want to change how Dave looks at me. Part of my brain knows that he doesn't scare easily and he's already made up his mind about me, and isn't going anywhere, but there's a small part that still says "No one has ever proven they will stay in your life..." I know this is all about trust. I know I have "trust issues". I'm working on it Mom.
Mamacita, will you please visit me in my dreams and send me an unmistakable sign that you are still with me? I need something mom to know you are still all around me. When I said I couldn't feel you, someone I trust said she thinks I am filled with you, that we are always together. Maybe I need the fog to be lifted from my heart before I can totally "see" you here with me. I'll be thinking of you as I go to sleep tonight mom, and again when I wake up. I miss you. I love you. I need you. My life isn't the same without you in it. There is a huge void in my life and a huge hole in my chest. My chest still aches with the loss, my eyes won't stop crying, my arms ache to hold you. I long to smell you, to hug you, to talk for hours and hours...
Love and More Love,
Erika
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Birthdays, Dreams and Trees
Dear Mamacita,
I know it's been a long time since I've written to you. So much has happened. Where to even begin? Guess I can start on my birthday. When we were cleaning the basement a few weeks ago I found several cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college, to cheer me up and encourage me. I put them in my planner and didn't look at them until my birthday. Dave took Sam to school and Max to daycare that morning, and I was alone in the house for a little while. I read them and the storm of sadness began, tears, anger that you aren't here for my 35th birthday, the physical ache in my chest of missing you, and the longing to be with you were just overwhelming. So I let the storm rage for a while and felt a little better when it had passed. Dave and I drove down to Stillwater for the day. We walked around and shopped a little and had lunch together. Came home to a nice quiet house and enjoyed the stillness and peace. I didn't want to have my birthday mom. Not without you here. You knew how much my birthday always meant to me, that it was my favorite "holiday". You knew why it was important to me. It just didn't feel right without you here...I also don't want to get older without you here.
You were such a huge part of my life, so integrated into the daily fabric, that to have you ripped out of my life is painful beyond belief. There are a thousand times a day I need to talk to you. I still can't bear to delete your contact info from my phone. Your name and number are still programmed into our house phones too, and I can't bring myself to delete it. I know it's just another way I'm not letting go of you. I just can't yet. I know that's ok for now. I know I have been holding onto everything I possibly can so that I don't lose you in every sense. I feel like I'm obsessive over the tiniest things about you. I buy clothes that remind me of you. I bought a shirt with butterflies on it because that's what you are to me now, and I bought a turquoise colored shirt with little birds on it, because I know it's one you would love. I've worn some of your clothes just to feel close to you. I wear your heart necklace everyday. When I think I can bear it, I will smell the bottle of your perfume that I kept. Maybe this isn't normal, maybe I'm holding on too tightly momma, but I can't seem to do otherwise.
A couple of good things have happened to my heart and mind in the last few weeks. One Sunday Dave and Sam were up at his Grandpa's cabin fixing deer stands so just Max and I went to church. I dropped him off at Sunday school and sat in church by myself. Pastor Chris' sermon was about her insistence that we pray. She said that usually her words are encouraging or inviting, but that day they were insistent. She gave some examples of prayer. She talked about how praying to God can be like having a conversation with Him, not just using the standard prayers. Then she prayed aloud for her mother who was having hip replacement surgery and her went went like this "God, thanks for mom...." That's all I really remember because those simple words melted some ice I had around my heart. I started to cry and I could finally feel my Jesus again. I have been praying and praying to feel Him and my mom's presence and finally sitting alone in church that day, surrounded by all His saints here and in Heaven, I felt the Holy Spirit melt some ice that was surrounding my broken heart. This was a huge break-through for my heart and spirit mom. I know that He never left me, it was just me that was having a hard time finding Him in all of this pain and trauma.
The other good thing that has happened, is I dreamed about you momma. This dream was unlike any others I have had. There was nothing negative or scary or sad. The dream was just your voice. It was pitch black in my head. There was no picture involved with this dream. It was just your voice coming out of the darkness. You were calling my name like you were just trying to get my attention. You said "Erika, Erika! It's all ok! I love you! I love you! I'm here!" That's all I remember mom. This was such a special dream to me. I've been over it again and again trying to figure out if it was real or if it was just a dream. I want to believe it was real, that you were really visiting me in my dreams, a place where my mind and heart would be totally open to receiving such a message. In the end, I've figured out it really doesn't matter if it was real because it was exactly what I needed.
One other good thing that has happened is that we bought and planted a beautiful pink spirus crab apple tree in your honor. It's at least 9 feet tall already and the thing I love about it is that it always blooms the most beautiful pink flowers over Mother's Day in the spring. Dayton wouldn't let us have the closure of putting a headstone on your grave to give you the respect you deserve, so this is the memorial we have to you. All winter long I can look out my livingroom window and see it there. I feel your spirit when I see it and it will represent Hope to me momma. Hope that spring will come, the ice and snow will melt outside as well as around my heart. Hope that the tree will bloom into something beautiful, and love and peace will bloom in my heart again. I bought a stone to put at the base that says "The greatest love is shared between a mother and daughter".
The thing that bothered me most about you not having a headstone until next year is the thought of you lying cold and alone there all winter, anonymous. No visitors during the winter, nothing to mark your place, nothing to say to the world "Here lies a wonderful woman who was loved beyond measure". You deserve to have your name there. Dayton chose to hurt me by not putting a headstone there. I need to have closure on the funeral process. He knew without a doubt how badly it would hurt me not to have it there, and yet he wouldn't allow us to pay for it, he wouldn't allow us to put a single headstone there, and he offered no explanations as to why. As always "he has a plan" that no one else is privy to. He told Nate, the funeral director that it was "just too soon" mom. That made me want to scream! He is moving on with his life. He's not sitting at home drowning in sorrow and can't function. Lies. I know if you are aware of what's playing out here on Earth you are appalled at what he's doing.
So to take back some of the power that Dayton took away, I sent out an email to all of my friends and relatives asking around for someone who does woodworking that would be willing/able to make a cross for us to put at your grave site. My friends Monica and Brian immediately said they could make it happen. We are going to make a name plate for it and write your name and a message for you on it. I am going to place it there and once your headstone is in place I will move the cross to your tree in our yard. I couldn't believe all the responses I got to the email I sent mom! Their love and kindness humbled me and made me feel so loved and that people really cared about the pain I am going through, and want to help. One of the blessings in this journey has been seeing the amazing love and kindness that people are capable of.
One final note before I sign off mom.. I have been seeing a fantastic grief counselor. Her name is Sally and she has 3 golden retrievers that wander around her office and look for love and petting from anyone that's willing. She's helping me sort stuff out. She has made me understand that grief, trauma, and ptsd are different things and have to be dealt with separately. This all makes lots of sense to me, and I'm so happy to have found her. I know this is what you would want for me mom. I'm trying to take care of myself.
I love you and miss you more than I can say. You are so loved.
Love and Hugs,
Erika
I know it's been a long time since I've written to you. So much has happened. Where to even begin? Guess I can start on my birthday. When we were cleaning the basement a few weeks ago I found several cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college, to cheer me up and encourage me. I put them in my planner and didn't look at them until my birthday. Dave took Sam to school and Max to daycare that morning, and I was alone in the house for a little while. I read them and the storm of sadness began, tears, anger that you aren't here for my 35th birthday, the physical ache in my chest of missing you, and the longing to be with you were just overwhelming. So I let the storm rage for a while and felt a little better when it had passed. Dave and I drove down to Stillwater for the day. We walked around and shopped a little and had lunch together. Came home to a nice quiet house and enjoyed the stillness and peace. I didn't want to have my birthday mom. Not without you here. You knew how much my birthday always meant to me, that it was my favorite "holiday". You knew why it was important to me. It just didn't feel right without you here...I also don't want to get older without you here.
You were such a huge part of my life, so integrated into the daily fabric, that to have you ripped out of my life is painful beyond belief. There are a thousand times a day I need to talk to you. I still can't bear to delete your contact info from my phone. Your name and number are still programmed into our house phones too, and I can't bring myself to delete it. I know it's just another way I'm not letting go of you. I just can't yet. I know that's ok for now. I know I have been holding onto everything I possibly can so that I don't lose you in every sense. I feel like I'm obsessive over the tiniest things about you. I buy clothes that remind me of you. I bought a shirt with butterflies on it because that's what you are to me now, and I bought a turquoise colored shirt with little birds on it, because I know it's one you would love. I've worn some of your clothes just to feel close to you. I wear your heart necklace everyday. When I think I can bear it, I will smell the bottle of your perfume that I kept. Maybe this isn't normal, maybe I'm holding on too tightly momma, but I can't seem to do otherwise.
A couple of good things have happened to my heart and mind in the last few weeks. One Sunday Dave and Sam were up at his Grandpa's cabin fixing deer stands so just Max and I went to church. I dropped him off at Sunday school and sat in church by myself. Pastor Chris' sermon was about her insistence that we pray. She said that usually her words are encouraging or inviting, but that day they were insistent. She gave some examples of prayer. She talked about how praying to God can be like having a conversation with Him, not just using the standard prayers. Then she prayed aloud for her mother who was having hip replacement surgery and her went went like this "God, thanks for mom...." That's all I really remember because those simple words melted some ice I had around my heart. I started to cry and I could finally feel my Jesus again. I have been praying and praying to feel Him and my mom's presence and finally sitting alone in church that day, surrounded by all His saints here and in Heaven, I felt the Holy Spirit melt some ice that was surrounding my broken heart. This was a huge break-through for my heart and spirit mom. I know that He never left me, it was just me that was having a hard time finding Him in all of this pain and trauma.
The other good thing that has happened, is I dreamed about you momma. This dream was unlike any others I have had. There was nothing negative or scary or sad. The dream was just your voice. It was pitch black in my head. There was no picture involved with this dream. It was just your voice coming out of the darkness. You were calling my name like you were just trying to get my attention. You said "Erika, Erika! It's all ok! I love you! I love you! I'm here!" That's all I remember mom. This was such a special dream to me. I've been over it again and again trying to figure out if it was real or if it was just a dream. I want to believe it was real, that you were really visiting me in my dreams, a place where my mind and heart would be totally open to receiving such a message. In the end, I've figured out it really doesn't matter if it was real because it was exactly what I needed.
One other good thing that has happened is that we bought and planted a beautiful pink spirus crab apple tree in your honor. It's at least 9 feet tall already and the thing I love about it is that it always blooms the most beautiful pink flowers over Mother's Day in the spring. Dayton wouldn't let us have the closure of putting a headstone on your grave to give you the respect you deserve, so this is the memorial we have to you. All winter long I can look out my livingroom window and see it there. I feel your spirit when I see it and it will represent Hope to me momma. Hope that spring will come, the ice and snow will melt outside as well as around my heart. Hope that the tree will bloom into something beautiful, and love and peace will bloom in my heart again. I bought a stone to put at the base that says "The greatest love is shared between a mother and daughter".
The thing that bothered me most about you not having a headstone until next year is the thought of you lying cold and alone there all winter, anonymous. No visitors during the winter, nothing to mark your place, nothing to say to the world "Here lies a wonderful woman who was loved beyond measure". You deserve to have your name there. Dayton chose to hurt me by not putting a headstone there. I need to have closure on the funeral process. He knew without a doubt how badly it would hurt me not to have it there, and yet he wouldn't allow us to pay for it, he wouldn't allow us to put a single headstone there, and he offered no explanations as to why. As always "he has a plan" that no one else is privy to. He told Nate, the funeral director that it was "just too soon" mom. That made me want to scream! He is moving on with his life. He's not sitting at home drowning in sorrow and can't function. Lies. I know if you are aware of what's playing out here on Earth you are appalled at what he's doing.
So to take back some of the power that Dayton took away, I sent out an email to all of my friends and relatives asking around for someone who does woodworking that would be willing/able to make a cross for us to put at your grave site. My friends Monica and Brian immediately said they could make it happen. We are going to make a name plate for it and write your name and a message for you on it. I am going to place it there and once your headstone is in place I will move the cross to your tree in our yard. I couldn't believe all the responses I got to the email I sent mom! Their love and kindness humbled me and made me feel so loved and that people really cared about the pain I am going through, and want to help. One of the blessings in this journey has been seeing the amazing love and kindness that people are capable of.
One final note before I sign off mom.. I have been seeing a fantastic grief counselor. Her name is Sally and she has 3 golden retrievers that wander around her office and look for love and petting from anyone that's willing. She's helping me sort stuff out. She has made me understand that grief, trauma, and ptsd are different things and have to be dealt with separately. This all makes lots of sense to me, and I'm so happy to have found her. I know this is what you would want for me mom. I'm trying to take care of myself.
I love you and miss you more than I can say. You are so loved.
Love and Hugs,
Erika
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Missing You Today
Dear Mamacita,
I want to blog tonight, but the words won't come. Maybe I'm too tired. It's been a very emotional day. I think I'm just gonna chill and go to bed early tonight momma. I love you so much. I'm missing you so very bad tonight. My heart is full of love and loneliness. I love my family so much, but I'm so lonely for you mamacita. I needed to hear your voice today and feel you close to me and I can't. I did read some old birthday cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college.. The things you said in them are as relevant today as they were back in 1997. I'll share them with you later. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow night. I'll blog sometime tomorrow and let you know everything that's on my heart mama. It's just too achy in my chest right now. I think I need some process time. Will you visit me and Sam Sam in our dreams tonight? Oh, and tomorrow I will also tell you about church on Sunday. Something great is happening....
Night Mamacita,
Me
I want to blog tonight, but the words won't come. Maybe I'm too tired. It's been a very emotional day. I think I'm just gonna chill and go to bed early tonight momma. I love you so much. I'm missing you so very bad tonight. My heart is full of love and loneliness. I love my family so much, but I'm so lonely for you mamacita. I needed to hear your voice today and feel you close to me and I can't. I did read some old birthday cards and notes you had sent me when I was in college.. The things you said in them are as relevant today as they were back in 1997. I'll share them with you later. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow night. I'll blog sometime tomorrow and let you know everything that's on my heart mama. It's just too achy in my chest right now. I think I need some process time. Will you visit me and Sam Sam in our dreams tonight? Oh, and tomorrow I will also tell you about church on Sunday. Something great is happening....
Night Mamacita,
Me
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hunting, Quilts and Trees
Dear Mamacita,
It's 5:40 a.m. and Dave and Sam just left to go up to Dave's grandpa's cabin to work on hunting stands with Loren, Cameron, his cousinTodd and his son A.J. and a few other guys. Sam was so excited! He woke up at 4:00 and started watching the clock. He came upstairs at exactly 5:00. We were going to let him sleep till about 5:20 and when he came upstairs I asked him why he was already up and he said "well dad said we had to get up at 5:00!" I made some fresh blueberry muffins and fresh coffee for Dave and a thermos of milk for Sam. We made sandwiches last night and packed some snacks, so they grabbed everything and I sent them on their way. I'm looking forward to taking Max to church and then Target and coming home and having a quiet day and doing laundry and getting ready for the week.
Yesterday Dave's mom and I made the pattern and stencils to cut out the pieces of material from your clothes to make a quilt made from of all my favorite pieces of clothes that were yours. It felt good to get started on your quilt. This is going to be a quilt that gets used everyday and can be washed and loved. I'm going to love it so much mom. It will definitely feel so good to me to be able to snuggle with pieces of clothing that you wore and lived in. It was difficult to handle your clothes yesterday, it makes me miss you so much. My heart aches with the need to see you in these clothes again. Yesterday I had the intense desire to go to Caribou with you and just have some alone time with you. I wanted a two hour coffee chat with you. I long to hear your laugh and the gentle banter that flows so naturally between us. I just want to feel that love, that bond, that easiness of conversation, where we could say nothing or talk forever..
On Wednesday I saw a grief counselor for the first time. Her name is Sally, and she was fantastic! She had so many insights into what I'm going through. She validated everything I was feeling and was an amazing listener. She also has two beautiful golden retrievers that wander around her office and come over for some loves and pets while we talk. I loved that. I'm going to see her once a week until further notice. I printed off all of my blog entries for her to read. I thought they'd give her a good idea of how I've been doing since August. I will keep you posed on how that's going. I'm trying to take care of myself mom. I know you only wanted the best for me, and that you want me to be ok, and to be happy. I'm not there yet, but maybe someday. I want to find you mom. I want to feel you next to me and know without a doubt that you are there. I need a sign. Can you send me something to let me know it's you?
I've been sharing these letters with people I care about mom, so that they know how I am doing. I feel like I need to express to them that I will eventually be ok. Some people have expressed their real concern for my health and safety. I want to say without a doubt that I would never ever, ever hurt myself. That would be dishonoring your love for me, and sentencing my loved ones that are still here to an unbelievable pain for a long, long time. I wouldn't do that. I fully intend to see my children grow up and have babies of their own. I will spoil my grandchildren just like you spoiled yours. :) I hope that they will call me Nana too one day. It would be such an honor. Maybe one of my boys will have a little girl someday for me to love and have that mother/daughter relationship with. I crave that so bad. I think about adopting a little girl so much. I know it's because of the relationship I'm missing in my life, so it's not the right time to do anything like that, but I think of it often. In the meantime, I've got my beautiful nieces Lindsey and Kylie that I can pour my mommy love into for now. I'd also like to tell all my loved ones who read this blog, how much I love them and couldn't walk this journey without them. I feel so loved and so supported. And I know that some of my closest family members (who are also friends) are hurting badly right now. I will do everything I can to be there for them in the ways that they have been there for me. It's all the little things that make a difference. For me it's just people acknowledging the pain and difficult road I'm on.
Dayton isn't going to let us get your headstone, mamacita. He won't tell us exactly why, we have a few guesses as to what his reasons are, but either way, they are selfish. I feel that it's so disrespectful to you to not have a headstone there after 5 months, and now it won't be there over the winter. I know you're not physically there, but I need everyone who passes by there to know who's buried there and to know that you were not insignificant, that you were loved beyond measure, and to see your name there. It was killing me to think of your body being there over the long, cold, dark winter with no name, no visitors of anything. The worst part is going to be Christmas. Knowing that your body is there, instead of here with us. I know I need to change my perspective and realize that you get to celebrate Christmas with Jesus, Himself this year, and I'm sure there's nothing better than that. However, it's going to be a difficult season for all of us back here. Dayton has taken the right to see your name there, to show you the respect that you deserve, away from me, so to take back some of my power, Dave and I have decided to plant a pink spirus crabapple tree in the back yard. I wanted to do it this weekend, but the place we're going to get it from won't have any instock for a week or so. I saved all the money I got in memorial gifts after your death, and put the money in an envelope for this very reason. I researched a lot of trees and found the perfect one. This tree doesn't drop its fruit and always is blooming over Mother's Day. It's truly beautiful. It will be my place to go be with you. And everytime I see it this winter it will bring me hope for the spring when it will bloom and we will finally have your headstone in place.
Well momma, I got a long time alone this morning to write to you and talk to you, and Monster Max is waking up, so I gotta go. I will talk to you soon, until then know that you are in my heart and thoughts always..
Love and Beautiful Trees,
Erika
It's 5:40 a.m. and Dave and Sam just left to go up to Dave's grandpa's cabin to work on hunting stands with Loren, Cameron, his cousinTodd and his son A.J. and a few other guys. Sam was so excited! He woke up at 4:00 and started watching the clock. He came upstairs at exactly 5:00. We were going to let him sleep till about 5:20 and when he came upstairs I asked him why he was already up and he said "well dad said we had to get up at 5:00!" I made some fresh blueberry muffins and fresh coffee for Dave and a thermos of milk for Sam. We made sandwiches last night and packed some snacks, so they grabbed everything and I sent them on their way. I'm looking forward to taking Max to church and then Target and coming home and having a quiet day and doing laundry and getting ready for the week.
Yesterday Dave's mom and I made the pattern and stencils to cut out the pieces of material from your clothes to make a quilt made from of all my favorite pieces of clothes that were yours. It felt good to get started on your quilt. This is going to be a quilt that gets used everyday and can be washed and loved. I'm going to love it so much mom. It will definitely feel so good to me to be able to snuggle with pieces of clothing that you wore and lived in. It was difficult to handle your clothes yesterday, it makes me miss you so much. My heart aches with the need to see you in these clothes again. Yesterday I had the intense desire to go to Caribou with you and just have some alone time with you. I wanted a two hour coffee chat with you. I long to hear your laugh and the gentle banter that flows so naturally between us. I just want to feel that love, that bond, that easiness of conversation, where we could say nothing or talk forever..
On Wednesday I saw a grief counselor for the first time. Her name is Sally, and she was fantastic! She had so many insights into what I'm going through. She validated everything I was feeling and was an amazing listener. She also has two beautiful golden retrievers that wander around her office and come over for some loves and pets while we talk. I loved that. I'm going to see her once a week until further notice. I printed off all of my blog entries for her to read. I thought they'd give her a good idea of how I've been doing since August. I will keep you posed on how that's going. I'm trying to take care of myself mom. I know you only wanted the best for me, and that you want me to be ok, and to be happy. I'm not there yet, but maybe someday. I want to find you mom. I want to feel you next to me and know without a doubt that you are there. I need a sign. Can you send me something to let me know it's you?
I've been sharing these letters with people I care about mom, so that they know how I am doing. I feel like I need to express to them that I will eventually be ok. Some people have expressed their real concern for my health and safety. I want to say without a doubt that I would never ever, ever hurt myself. That would be dishonoring your love for me, and sentencing my loved ones that are still here to an unbelievable pain for a long, long time. I wouldn't do that. I fully intend to see my children grow up and have babies of their own. I will spoil my grandchildren just like you spoiled yours. :) I hope that they will call me Nana too one day. It would be such an honor. Maybe one of my boys will have a little girl someday for me to love and have that mother/daughter relationship with. I crave that so bad. I think about adopting a little girl so much. I know it's because of the relationship I'm missing in my life, so it's not the right time to do anything like that, but I think of it often. In the meantime, I've got my beautiful nieces Lindsey and Kylie that I can pour my mommy love into for now. I'd also like to tell all my loved ones who read this blog, how much I love them and couldn't walk this journey without them. I feel so loved and so supported. And I know that some of my closest family members (who are also friends) are hurting badly right now. I will do everything I can to be there for them in the ways that they have been there for me. It's all the little things that make a difference. For me it's just people acknowledging the pain and difficult road I'm on.
Dayton isn't going to let us get your headstone, mamacita. He won't tell us exactly why, we have a few guesses as to what his reasons are, but either way, they are selfish. I feel that it's so disrespectful to you to not have a headstone there after 5 months, and now it won't be there over the winter. I know you're not physically there, but I need everyone who passes by there to know who's buried there and to know that you were not insignificant, that you were loved beyond measure, and to see your name there. It was killing me to think of your body being there over the long, cold, dark winter with no name, no visitors of anything. The worst part is going to be Christmas. Knowing that your body is there, instead of here with us. I know I need to change my perspective and realize that you get to celebrate Christmas with Jesus, Himself this year, and I'm sure there's nothing better than that. However, it's going to be a difficult season for all of us back here. Dayton has taken the right to see your name there, to show you the respect that you deserve, away from me, so to take back some of my power, Dave and I have decided to plant a pink spirus crabapple tree in the back yard. I wanted to do it this weekend, but the place we're going to get it from won't have any instock for a week or so. I saved all the money I got in memorial gifts after your death, and put the money in an envelope for this very reason. I researched a lot of trees and found the perfect one. This tree doesn't drop its fruit and always is blooming over Mother's Day. It's truly beautiful. It will be my place to go be with you. And everytime I see it this winter it will bring me hope for the spring when it will bloom and we will finally have your headstone in place.
Well momma, I got a long time alone this morning to write to you and talk to you, and Monster Max is waking up, so I gotta go. I will talk to you soon, until then know that you are in my heart and thoughts always..
Love and Beautiful Trees,
Erika
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sadness and Strife
Dear Mamacita,
Life just isn't getting easier for me and Dave. Yesterday morning Sue's husband Dave died of a sudden heart attack. He was only 47 years old. My heart is hurting so much for the pain I see and feel in Dave, Sue, Rach, Becca.....everyone. I am so incredibly sad for the path that Rach and Becca have to walk now, without their dad. I know the pain they are in for now. I will be there for them in every single way that I can to help them know that they aren't alone, and they will make it through this dark time of their lives. My heart breaks for Sue. She knew Dave for 31 years. That's a long time to love someone and lose your husband and best friend. I miss Dave so much too. In the last five months we have grown so much closer. He was the only one in our family that had lost a parent, and whenever we saw each other he would slide an arm around me and look me in the eyes and ask me how I was doing. And I knew I didn't have to explain my feelings to him. He just "got" it. He just knew what was on my mind. I will miss his quiet, loving way, his funny sense of humor that would make you take a double take, and how his smile always reached his eyes. He will be missed so badly by so many people. If you see him up there mom, give him a hug from all of us, and "show him the ropes" of Heaven.
It's fall now mom. This was always our favorite time of year. You loved how dry and crisp the air felt and of course, the beautiful fall colors. Dave just reminded me that next Tuesday is my birthday. It shocked me. It doesn't seem possible that it's been almost a year since that terrible day a year ago when our lives began to spiral downwards. I don't want it to be fall. I don't want to see the leaves change color. It shouldn't be happening without you. I still picture you here with me, wearing that beautiful perfect fall red sweater and a pair of jeans, sitting at my table having coffee with me and just chatting about life, love , Monster Max, and Sam Sam. I loved our chats and miss them so incredibly much. Just having you here in my house, laughing and talking with me was the best feeling ever! I always felt so loved and supported by being with you. The boys would just light up when you would walk in the door. I will never forget the look on your face every single time you came in the house and saw the boys. The was just a look of complete joy and love on your face and in your eyes. It was like your heart had come home. The four of us were together, and life was good. The world felt like it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Do you think it will ever feel like that again? I just don't know mom. Maybe someday when I'm a nana and I'm sitting in one of my son's houses with them and their kids... Hard to even imagine at this point.
I decided how I want to spend my birthday this year mom. Dave and I are going to take the day off of work and school, take the kids to school and daycare, and then drive down to Stillwater for the day. We love it down there! We're going to have lunch at Smalley's Caribbean BBQ and Pirate Bar, and just walk around and see what we see. I didn't want to be alone on this anniversary of something so sad, and I didn't want to be at work, because my heart wouldn't be in it. So I'm really looking forward to some alone time with Dave.
We still haven't finished dealing with your headstone issue. Dayton refuses to sign the damn contract and write the check and send it in. We even told him that we would pay for it, and that just made him blow up, saying "he's a big boy and doesn't need anyone to take care of his problems" etc. etc. I can't even tell you how irate I am over this situation mom. I feel like he doesn't give a damn how I feel, and that I need this headstone to be there to heal part of my heart. He told the funeral director yesterday that "it's just too soon" for him. WTH??!!!?? It's been 5 months and he's dating someone, so it's not like he's wallowing in sorrow or self-pity at home and can't function with the grief. Why won't he do this momma? He just seems so selfish and self-absorbed right now. I don't think he truly understands how I feel and how incredibly hard this has been and is for me.
I have a request mom. Can you please check in with God, after choir practice, and ask for some special favors? We need some help down here. I need help with Dayton, and my husband and his side of our family is hurting. I pray for comfort for all of them that are hurting. Please let me feel your love around me mom. I need you. Now more than ever....
Love and Mixed Feelings of Fall,
Erika
Life just isn't getting easier for me and Dave. Yesterday morning Sue's husband Dave died of a sudden heart attack. He was only 47 years old. My heart is hurting so much for the pain I see and feel in Dave, Sue, Rach, Becca.....everyone. I am so incredibly sad for the path that Rach and Becca have to walk now, without their dad. I know the pain they are in for now. I will be there for them in every single way that I can to help them know that they aren't alone, and they will make it through this dark time of their lives. My heart breaks for Sue. She knew Dave for 31 years. That's a long time to love someone and lose your husband and best friend. I miss Dave so much too. In the last five months we have grown so much closer. He was the only one in our family that had lost a parent, and whenever we saw each other he would slide an arm around me and look me in the eyes and ask me how I was doing. And I knew I didn't have to explain my feelings to him. He just "got" it. He just knew what was on my mind. I will miss his quiet, loving way, his funny sense of humor that would make you take a double take, and how his smile always reached his eyes. He will be missed so badly by so many people. If you see him up there mom, give him a hug from all of us, and "show him the ropes" of Heaven.
It's fall now mom. This was always our favorite time of year. You loved how dry and crisp the air felt and of course, the beautiful fall colors. Dave just reminded me that next Tuesday is my birthday. It shocked me. It doesn't seem possible that it's been almost a year since that terrible day a year ago when our lives began to spiral downwards. I don't want it to be fall. I don't want to see the leaves change color. It shouldn't be happening without you. I still picture you here with me, wearing that beautiful perfect fall red sweater and a pair of jeans, sitting at my table having coffee with me and just chatting about life, love , Monster Max, and Sam Sam. I loved our chats and miss them so incredibly much. Just having you here in my house, laughing and talking with me was the best feeling ever! I always felt so loved and supported by being with you. The boys would just light up when you would walk in the door. I will never forget the look on your face every single time you came in the house and saw the boys. The was just a look of complete joy and love on your face and in your eyes. It was like your heart had come home. The four of us were together, and life was good. The world felt like it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Do you think it will ever feel like that again? I just don't know mom. Maybe someday when I'm a nana and I'm sitting in one of my son's houses with them and their kids... Hard to even imagine at this point.
I decided how I want to spend my birthday this year mom. Dave and I are going to take the day off of work and school, take the kids to school and daycare, and then drive down to Stillwater for the day. We love it down there! We're going to have lunch at Smalley's Caribbean BBQ and Pirate Bar, and just walk around and see what we see. I didn't want to be alone on this anniversary of something so sad, and I didn't want to be at work, because my heart wouldn't be in it. So I'm really looking forward to some alone time with Dave.
We still haven't finished dealing with your headstone issue. Dayton refuses to sign the damn contract and write the check and send it in. We even told him that we would pay for it, and that just made him blow up, saying "he's a big boy and doesn't need anyone to take care of his problems" etc. etc. I can't even tell you how irate I am over this situation mom. I feel like he doesn't give a damn how I feel, and that I need this headstone to be there to heal part of my heart. He told the funeral director yesterday that "it's just too soon" for him. WTH??!!!?? It's been 5 months and he's dating someone, so it's not like he's wallowing in sorrow or self-pity at home and can't function with the grief. Why won't he do this momma? He just seems so selfish and self-absorbed right now. I don't think he truly understands how I feel and how incredibly hard this has been and is for me.
I have a request mom. Can you please check in with God, after choir practice, and ask for some special favors? We need some help down here. I need help with Dayton, and my husband and his side of our family is hurting. I pray for comfort for all of them that are hurting. Please let me feel your love around me mom. I need you. Now more than ever....
Love and Mixed Feelings of Fall,
Erika
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
5 months
Dear Mamacita,
It's been 5 months, mom. You have been free for 5 months now. Free from pain, procedures, doctors, humiliation and fear. And I know that you are in an amazing place now mom. You are young, beautiful, perfectly healthy, and completely happy in the arms of God. For that, I am grateful. However, these have been the worst 5 months of my entire life. I miss our relationship so incredibly much! There are still a billion times a day I want to call you, text you, or see you just to tell you something or hear the love in your voice when you say "Hi Sweetie" when you answer the phone. Sometimes I think I could cry for days without stopping. There are times that I just want to be alone for a week, a month...just to be alone with my grief. I want to escape from all the other demands in my life and be able to concentrate just on my heart. Maybe I'm just fooling myself or wishing too hard, but sometimes I think that if I could just be alone, sitting on the flat rocks in Grand Marais, with nothing and no one around me that I could sense you and communicate with you somehow. Do you think God would allow that mom? When do I get to see you again? When will my heart start to heal?
Someone I trust confided in me that when she was going through a very difficult time in her life, she also had trouble feeling God. She said her faith had become "just" an intellectual thing, rather than an emotional connection to God. She said that just believing that God is there and is somehow taking care of everything counts as faith. She talked about how the fear felt cold to her. And that somehow with time she slowly began to trust life again. To trust God again. She was able to verbalize what I have been feeling. I don't trust that life won't keep taking things, taking people from me. Maybe instead of the word Life, the name God could be exchanged. Maybe I don't trust God with my whole heart right now. How do I learn to trust again? I know He is with me, and is taking care of me and was merciful with us during this whole experience, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's going to be next? Who will leave me next? You and Dave were the closest people to me in my whole world. You two were the the most significant people in my life, and now half of you are gone. Dave is all I have left. I am so lucky to have him. My world would be shattered if he wasn't in my life..
I would never abandon my God, my faith.. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take. I know our fragile human hearts can withstand amazing amounts of pain. I know I need to lay my hurt and anger, loneliness and sadness at Jesus' feet and ask Him to take it all away. Do you think God is listening mom? Do you think He has time for my insignificant little broken heart? In the scope of the world's problems, where does my broken heart rank in God's "To Do" list?
I keep telling myself that I'm going to write you a positive letter, that you're probably tired of just hearing about all the pain.. But then one of my best friends told me I didn't have to do that, and gave me permission to spew my pain, loneliness and anger in these letters to you.
I miss you mom. I'm 5 months closer to seeing you again. I know you're right around the corner, just waiting for me. Do you miss me there, or is that not even possible where you are? Do you feel me? Do you see me and my boys? So many questions..and after 5 months, I'm still not any closer to answering them.
Good night mom. Tomorrow is a new day...
All My Love,
Erika
It's been 5 months, mom. You have been free for 5 months now. Free from pain, procedures, doctors, humiliation and fear. And I know that you are in an amazing place now mom. You are young, beautiful, perfectly healthy, and completely happy in the arms of God. For that, I am grateful. However, these have been the worst 5 months of my entire life. I miss our relationship so incredibly much! There are still a billion times a day I want to call you, text you, or see you just to tell you something or hear the love in your voice when you say "Hi Sweetie" when you answer the phone. Sometimes I think I could cry for days without stopping. There are times that I just want to be alone for a week, a month...just to be alone with my grief. I want to escape from all the other demands in my life and be able to concentrate just on my heart. Maybe I'm just fooling myself or wishing too hard, but sometimes I think that if I could just be alone, sitting on the flat rocks in Grand Marais, with nothing and no one around me that I could sense you and communicate with you somehow. Do you think God would allow that mom? When do I get to see you again? When will my heart start to heal?
Someone I trust confided in me that when she was going through a very difficult time in her life, she also had trouble feeling God. She said her faith had become "just" an intellectual thing, rather than an emotional connection to God. She said that just believing that God is there and is somehow taking care of everything counts as faith. She talked about how the fear felt cold to her. And that somehow with time she slowly began to trust life again. To trust God again. She was able to verbalize what I have been feeling. I don't trust that life won't keep taking things, taking people from me. Maybe instead of the word Life, the name God could be exchanged. Maybe I don't trust God with my whole heart right now. How do I learn to trust again? I know He is with me, and is taking care of me and was merciful with us during this whole experience, but I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's going to be next? Who will leave me next? You and Dave were the closest people to me in my whole world. You two were the the most significant people in my life, and now half of you are gone. Dave is all I have left. I am so lucky to have him. My world would be shattered if he wasn't in my life..
I would never abandon my God, my faith.. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take. I know our fragile human hearts can withstand amazing amounts of pain. I know I need to lay my hurt and anger, loneliness and sadness at Jesus' feet and ask Him to take it all away. Do you think God is listening mom? Do you think He has time for my insignificant little broken heart? In the scope of the world's problems, where does my broken heart rank in God's "To Do" list?
I keep telling myself that I'm going to write you a positive letter, that you're probably tired of just hearing about all the pain.. But then one of my best friends told me I didn't have to do that, and gave me permission to spew my pain, loneliness and anger in these letters to you.
I miss you mom. I'm 5 months closer to seeing you again. I know you're right around the corner, just waiting for me. Do you miss me there, or is that not even possible where you are? Do you feel me? Do you see me and my boys? So many questions..and after 5 months, I'm still not any closer to answering them.
Good night mom. Tomorrow is a new day...
All My Love,
Erika
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